Archive for the ‘joan rivers’ Tag
I’m not much of a follower of all things Hollywood but like it or not some information makes its way to me regardless. Only a few days ago I made the mistake of roaming around on Facebook. To my surprise there was a lengthy posting about female celebrities without makeup. If you think horror flicks are the scariest thing ever, you’d be wrong. There were more than a few rather famous female stars that I’ve lusted over in the past, but Facebook has ruined that forever. It still gives me cold chills if I think about it for too long. I’m not an innocent and naive blushing bride by any means. I realize that Hollywood takes its job seriously when recreating a regular human being into a “STAR”. That process requires many stars to change their names. Here are a few interesting samples which are self-explanatory.
Elton John -Reginald Dwight
Joan Rivers – Joan Molinsky
James Garner – James Baumgarner
Barry Manilow – Barry Pincus
Spike Lee – Shelton Lee
Snoop Dogg – Cordozar Broadus
Tina Turner -Annie Mae Bullock
Winona Ryder – Winona Horowitz
Sting – Gordon Summer
Stevie Wonder – Steveland Judkins
I’m now seriously thinking about changing my name. I’ve always felt that my name was as boring as it gets but picking a new one is really difficult. If I were to be a porn-star I’d probably go for I.M Lancelot, but since I’m just a normal boring person I would need something spectacular to catch everyone’s attention.
I’M CONSIDERING “ELVIS MONROE”
Christmas is almost upon us and New Years is quickly approaching. I thought a little more Christmas humor was in order and also a healthy dose of New Year’s ridiculousness. Todays posting is a series of quotation’s from the rich and famous, the poor and unfamous, and from our favorite person of all time, Anonymous.
Christmas
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his presents remembered. Phyllis Diller
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
Anonymous
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. Bernard Manning
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. Anonymous
Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.
John Cleese, “Monty Python”
The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. Joan Rivers
There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. P.J. O’Rourke
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. Dave Barry
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple
Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. Anonymous
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. Johnny Carson
I know some of these quotes are corny and stupid but never forget, so are we all at times. Now let’s hop, skip and jump onto the New Year’s bandwagon with a few more potentially humorous adages.
New Year’s
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. Bill Vaughn
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to. P.J. O’Rourke
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution. Jay Leno
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Anonymous
It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets. William Thomas
The only way to spend New Year’s Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears. W.H. Auden
Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.
Judith Crist
New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. James Agee
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. Anonymous
Be at war with your vices; at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man. Benjamin Franklin
I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. Robert Paul
Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right. Oprah Winfrey
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. Oscar Wilde
I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. Anais Nin
THREE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I love supplying all of you with tons of useless trivia but today I think I’ll change things up a little. I’ll be asking the questions and hopefully some of you will supply the correct answers.
We’ve all been raised sitting in front of the television and I don’t see that lessening any time soon. With the addition of smartphones and tablets it should increase every year for the foreseeable future.
With that in mind I’m supply you with twenty trivia questions concerning television over the last fifty years. Let’s see just how well you can do with them. I’ll supply the answers tomorrow and you can see just how well or how badly you’ve done. Lets begin.
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What are the names of the two old codgers who wisecrack from their box seats on the Muppet Show?
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What was Johnny Carson’s famous reply when a reporter asked what he would his epithet to be?
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What 1949 television program was the very first coast-to-coast network show?
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Who played Beau Maverick on the TV western comedy series Maverick?
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What were the only words spoken by Clarabell the clown on the Howdy Doody Show?
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What was the address of Big Birds nest on TV’s Sesame Street?
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What popular stand-up comic turned down the role of Trapper John McIntyre in the TV sitcom M*A*S*H before Wayne Rogers signed on for the part?
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How many opening monologues did Johnny Carson deliver during his 30 years as host of the Tonight Show?
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What role did Art Carney play in Jackie Gleason’s very first Honeymooners sketch?
10. Who was the first mystery guest to appear on the TV quiz show What’s My Line in 1950?
11. What TV sitcom family lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane?
12. What was the theme song Jack Benny played off-key on his violin?
13. What character actress provides the voice of mother Marge on TVs animated sitcom The Simpsons?
14. What car did TVs Archie Bunker recall fondly in “Those Were the Days”, the theme song of the sitcom All in the Family?
15. On what TV show did Robert Guillaume first portray the sharp-witted, sharp-tongued butler Benson?
16. Who played Kato, the faithful Philippine valet-chauffeur, on the TV show The Green Hornet?
17. Who portrayed Arnold Ziffel on Green Acres, the late 1960s TV sitcom that starred Eddie Albert and Eva Gabor?
18. How many cases did Perry Mason lose in the nine seasons Raymond Burr appeared on TV as the ace defensive lawyer?
19. What were the names of the three sons in the TV sitcom My Three Sons, which featured Fred Mc Murray as widower Steve Douglas?
20. What is the meaning of kemo sabe the words Tonto used to address the Lone Ranger?
Bonus Question (Worth 2 Points): What actress’s unpublished home telephone number did comedienne Joan Rivers give out on national TV in 1986 when she was hosting The Late Show Starring Joan Rivers?
So how do you think you did? I won’t tell you my score because it sucked. I thought I knew a lot but once again I may have been mistaken. The answers will follow tomorrow.
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