Archive for the ‘one liners’ Tag

04/19/2025 😷DOCTORS😷   Leave a comment

For me these last four years have consisted of constant doctor visits, nurses, oncologists, chemotherapy, scans, MRI’s, Cat-Scans, multiple blood tests and surgeries. It’s still causes me to break out in a cold sweat anytime I drive by a hospital or hear an ambulance go by. Even a hospital janitor in a white coat freaks me out a little. My blood pressure soars a minimum of thirty points just by walking into their offices and it takes another 20 minutes for it to lower itself to acceptable limits. With all of that in mind here is my contribution of “one-liners” for all of those outstanding yet truly annoying medical professionals.

  • “Doctor, I’m sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly.” Then try not to get two down.
  • “Doctor, the whole worlds ganging up on me.” “Hold on a minute. Hey lads, he’s in here!”
  • “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to “X”. “I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.”
  • This guy went to his doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his ass. “Ah yes,” said his doctor. “Thats just the tip of the iceberg.”
  • “Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home.” “That sounds a lot like the Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is that common doc?” “It’s not unusual.”

  • “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a German vodka.” “Well, Schnapps out of it.”
  • My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right. I feel ten years older already.
  • So, I went to the doctors to ask if he had anything for excessive wind. He gave me a kite.
  • A guy goes into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only clingy short shorts. The shrink said, “I can clearly see your nuts.”
  • A man went to see an eye doctor. The receptionist asked him what was wrong. He said, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.” She said, “Have you seen a doctor?” He said, “No, just spots.”

💉🩺💉

DROP YOUR PANTS DUMB ASS

11-14-2013 The Basics of Obamacare   Leave a comment

The business of being a one-legged invalid continues.  It’s been two weeks since the accident and I’m going out of my  mind being trapped in this house.  I’m spending a great deal of time surfing the net but even that wears on you after a while.  I’m also sick and tired of hearing about Obama and Obamacare.

It’s always been said that you can tell how a politician or his programs are really doing just by listening to the late night comedians.  For years that’s been a much more accurate way to gauge things than polling.  Why spend hundreds of thousands of dollars a year of our hard earned tax dollars on polling when you all you really need to do is tune in and listen to Jay Leno’s monologues.

I loved Johnny Carson’s ability to slam and ridicule politicians with a grin on his face and his audience laughing their collective asses off.  In some ways Leno and his writers are almost as good.  They never miss an opportunity to cut through the administrations BS and get to the real point in a funny manner. To me and millions of others this Obamacare program isn’t the least bit funny but as a last resort I’ll take the truth anyway I can find it.  Here’s a collection of some recent Jay Leno one-liners that explain Obama and Obamacare perfectly.  They’re funny and sad at the same time.

  • "The Obama White House website still says if you like your health plan, you can keep it. That’s false, of course. The president says they’re trying to correct it, but his website people can’t seem to log on."
  • "President Obama said he is sorry that some Americans have lost their existing health coverage due to Obamacare. I think he’s getting a little desperate. Today he said if you like your complete lack of coverage, you can keep your complete lack of coverage."
  • "President Obama’s approval rating is down to 39 percent. And Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted to smoking crack cocaine, went up to 49 percent. How does this make Obama feel? He’d be better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare."
  • "According to CBS News, only six people enrolled in Obamacare on the first day of the rollout. Six! That means more people have walked on the moon than have signed up for Obamacare."
  • "Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, ‘If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.’ The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful."
  • "There was some good news today for embattled Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. Obamacare will cover all her injuries after the White House throws her under the bus. She is totally covered."
  • "For years President Obama has been saying that no one would lose their healthcare plan. Now the White House has admitted that in fact many people will lose their plans. But there is a way to keep the great coverage you have. Just become a member of Congress. Then the taxpayers pay for the whole thing."
  • "The White House now says the Obamacare website will be fixed by the end of November. So if your doctor has only given you three weeks to live, sorry pal."
  • "Today there were more problems with the Obamacare website. It seems when you type in your age, it’s confusing because it’s not clear if they want the age you are right now, or the age you’ll be when you finally log in."
  • "I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I’m doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold ‘Em."
  • "According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it’s simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to."
  • "We’ve got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick."
  • "Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the ‘Hypocritic Oath.’"
  • "The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?"
  • "The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed you’d be able to keep your doctor, and now they’re saying you ‘might’ be able to. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Perhaps we could try. Can’t promise anything."
  • "President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli was his favorite food, and they believed him. Then he told them Obamacare would reduce the deficit and the kids all busted out laughing."
  • "This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down."
  • "Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare."
  • "If you’re an illegal immigrant in Arizona hoping to become a citizen so you can get free healthcare, this is the greatest week of your life."

You have to admit that hearing about one of the worst political nightmares to hit this country in decades is best done with humor.  It’s way better than listening to me whine and cry and reiterate my feelings for this failed Presidency.

03-22-2013   Leave a comment

It’s time for another installment of totally useless information. Normally I supply true facts that are strange, ironic, or unbelievable.  Today I’m taking a page from the Main Stream Media who on a regular basis use the jokes told on late night television to gauge certain politicians standing with the American people.  I’ve never really understood that type of polling since most of the material used by Leno, Letterman, Kimmel, and O’Brien is written by professional writers hired and directed by their corporate owners. Of course, they’re all totally unbiased politically.

I like a good laugh and joke as much as the next guy so I’ll pass these tidbits along simply as fun "one liners".  Since this country thrives on "sound bites" this style of humor is all the rage.  I need to enter a disclaimer here because I’m reasonable sure that all of these items are untrue. Enjoy them for what they are, just silly and stupid jokes.

  • Einstein estimated that his Theory of Relativity  got him laid more than one hundred times.
  • The United States border with Mexico is over 2000 miles long but only six inches wide.
  • Montana is the only state where "horseplay" is illegal.
  • Ninety six percent of all wrong numbers involve a guy saying, "Larry?"
  • Scientists who’ve been studying pigeons agree that they’re definitely up to something.
  • In Westchester, NY, there is a barber named Tony DeBarber.
  • Newton’s Fourth Law states "No fat chicks".
  • Christopher Welden of Columbus, OH, is the only person ever to actually "laugh all the way to the bank".
  • While their still not allowed to drive cars, as of May 2006, Saudi Arabian women may operate riding lawn mowers.
  • During a screening of Neil Simon’s The Goodbye Girl at the Vatican, someone asked the Pope to remove his hat.
  • When held by a person more than seven feet tall a ladle is just called a "spoon".
  • In response to continued complaints the Campbell’s Soup company  has removed the letter "F" from their alphabet soup.

Well there you have it. The first dirty dozen useless tidbits that might just make you smile but there are certainly no guarantees.