Archive for the ‘pms’ Tag
With the holidays looming on the horizon, I thought some moderately dirty jokes might put a smile on your face. So, SMILE!
Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS? A. Nothing.
😜😜😜
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny miniskirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of your thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has no underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, “Are you looking at my pussy?” “Yes, I’m sorry,” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. “It’s quite all right,” replies the woman. “It’s very talented. Watch this, I’ll make you blow a kiss to you.” Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.” The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. “I can also make it wink,” says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy cutely winks at him. “Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat. As the man moves over, the woman quietly asks, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in it?” “Good God!” says the man. Can it whistle too?
😛😛😛
A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blowup doll. The woman asks, “Would you like a Christian or a Muslim doll?” Confused the man says, “What’s the difference?” “Well,” replied the woman, “the Muslim doll blows itself up!”
🐸🐸🐸
Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Ms. Piggy? A. Kermit’s finger.
😁😁😁
The kid comes home from school and says, “Mom, I’ve got a problem.” She says, “Tell me.” He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are. He says, “Well, pussy and bitch.” She says, “Oh, that’s no big deal. Pussy is a cat like our little Mittens and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.” He thanks her and goes to visit his dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad, the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom, and I don’t think she told me their exact meanings.” Dad says, “I told you never to go to mom for these kinds of matters, she can’t handle them. “What are the words, son?” He tells him, “Pussy and Bitch.” Dad says, OK, and pulls a Playboy down from the bookshelf. He takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “Everything inside the circle is Pussy.” “Okay, Dad,” so what’s a Bitch?” Dad quickly said, “Everything outside that circle.”
🤩🤩🤩
Q. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore? A. A whore blows everybody at the party, and a bitch blows everyone at the party except for you.
KEEP SMILING
31 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT!
I thought I’d start this post with a word I just made up. The secret word is irkism. It’s not a term any of you women have ever heard but its the perfect description of the effect that many of you have on us men.
Have you ever had an argument that sort of takes on a life of its own and turns into a nightmare? Just wondering is all. I think this list I’m about to write will be the post that initiates one of those arguments for me. I sat quietly for years and listened to; men are this and they do that, and women are better and we’re not emotional humps, you get the idea. They’re permitted to say almost anything they please knowing we men aren’t likely to say much in return if we ever hope to have sex again. It’s time for us men to stand up and be counted. Here’s my top-ten list of women’s traits that have irked me for decades. They’re in no particular order of importance and for testicular safety they are not all about my better-half. That disclaimer should keep me safe for a while.
1. Overuse of lotion, perfumes, and any other liquids that will make them soft, smooth, and seemingly younger. It’s a wonder they don’t slip and slide right out of the bed.
2. The wearing of fake eyelashes, nails, and hair extensions. It makes me afraid to grab hold of anything. It might just come off in my hand.
3. Hogging the blankets and pillows. I have four pillows on my bed as well as a sheet and comforter. I often wake up, especially, in the winter and find I have no pillows, one-half the sheet, and about one-third of the comforter.
4. PMS related temper tantrums. There were times when I turned and scampered away to avoid a potential problem. Thank god those days are over for us.
5. Constant over-talking. I guess their rule is that guys must be good listeners at all times but women, not so much. Not very nice.
6. Forcing us to lie to them. Does my ass look too big in this dress? Is this hair color a good fit for me? Don’t you just love these shoes? OMG
7. TV Hogs. If I have to watch or listen to anymore of Dancing With the Stars, American Idol, The Voice, or any and all romantic comedies, just shoot me now!
8. Cell phone courtesy. If we get a phone call they’ll be sure to stand nearby and talk as loud as possible so we have to shout to be heard. Of course when they get a call we’re forced to shut everything down so as not to interrupt. Everyone knows their calls are more important than ours.
9. Trash in my car. Unfortunately I have door pockets in my car. I made the mistake of cleaning out the passenger side pocket a week ago. It was unbelievable. I found hand lotion, sanitizer, face cream, old receipts, gum wrappers, and three packets of hot sauce and ketchup. There were a few other things but I’m too depressed to go on.
10. Coupons. Don’t even get me started on this subject. I’ll say no more than that.
I feel soooooooooo much better now that I’ve gotten all of these gripes off my chest but only until she reads this post.
I AM MAN, HEAR ME ROAR
I’ve been around for what seems like forever and just through longevity alone I’ve become reasonably well versed in dealing with women in almost any circumstance. Most men would agree, we’re tired of hearing about all the problems of women, girl power, ERA, PMS, men are bad, and women should run the world. BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! It’s time for me to pass on some of my knowledge to the younger generations of men out there to assist them in surviving relationships with their current or future partners. Let me help you “guys” make those “girls” out there a little crazy before they do it to you first. This double standard against men needs to stop and I’m here to do my part in making that happen. Sit back and learn from the master, grasshoppers.
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Develop the ability where you seem to be calmly listening to their every word. If we as men insist on dating, marriage, and all that follows we must be good listeners. Women want to be heard and over the years mine always were. I’m known for being a good listener, ask anyone. I may only hear every other word but that’s still listening, Right? Look interested, nod a lot, and when they’re done just smile.
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Develop the ability to "Zone Out". I seem to be there paying close attention to her every word but in fact my mind tends to wander to other places and other times. Certain of her key words or voice inflections will snap me right back to the current conversation without her noticing. They sometimes develop the ability to recognize when this is happening and that’s when they get really crazy. Spend the extra time to learn to disguise this talent.
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You must learn a number of different ways to check out other women without being obvious. These are basic methods used by men for decades to hide their ogling. Use reflections in windows to check someone out casually. Wear very dark sunglasses so you can look at anyone at any time but without turning your head in their direction. As you should already know this has always been mandatory male eyewear on any beach for years. Lastly, you must develop the ability to look at other women openly enough to make her crazy but not so obvious as to get you in real trouble. I usually use this move for revenge when she’s done something thoughtless and I want her to pay. It’s worth it’s weight in gold if you learn it and use it properly.
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Casually bring up memories of old girl friends or sexual partners. This will drive your woman over the edge especially if you can do it in an innocent manner. If she thinks your doing it just to make her crazy you may reach a whole new level of OMG. Use this ability with care, it can turn ugly and she may attempt to reverse it on you. You have to be prepared to listen to her experiences if your not really careful.
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You must create in your mind a series of answers that you can draw upon instantly when you hear this question, What are you thinking? It’s been my experience that if more than a minute of silence occurs when you’re together that question will almost certainly be asked. They want your every thought to be about them and it makes them crazy when they imagine that’s not the case. Try blurting out, "I was just thinking of our first kiss." or "I was remembering the first time when we made love in the backseat of my old car." The faster you are able to tell her these things the more believable and convincing they become.
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Learn to use compliments to your fullest advantage. Casual meaningless compliments that will send a chill up her spine. Have you lost weight? You really look sexy in that dress. When you walk like that you make me crazy. This can short circuit almost anything she is currently preaching to you about. It can derail her train of thought just long enough for you to change the subject to something you deem important. Use them sparingly because overuse has it’s pitfalls. If you have actual sincere compliments save them for times when sexual activity is eminent. It’ll payoff big time.
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Learn how to Fake Flirt. This is the ability to make it seem like other women are giving you the eye or being overly friendly. This is simple to do but takes some practice. If you’re ever feeling unloved or taken for granted this is the weapon of choice. This skill develops over time but you must be subtle about it. It will drive her completely nuts.
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Make PMS your friend. Most women deny every having PMS but they know when they’re suffering from it and use it against us at every turn. It’s time to turn that around. The better you treat her without ever mentioning the dreaded PMS the more guilty she’ll feel if she begins snapping at you for no reason. She’ll never admit that’s the case but it’s true. Make her crazy. It’s time we defuse the ever present PMS once and for all.
This is just a partial list of things we can defend ourselves with. Women have apparently learned many of these same skills at a much earlier age than we first guessed. It’s time for us to play catch up and level the playing field a little. I’ll be sure to pass other things along to help make all of you out there the excellent lovers and partners your women are looking for. If it makes them a little crazier than usual that’s just a huge plus.
MAN POWER!!!!!
everyuselessthing.com 