Archive for the ‘wit’ Tag
I have upon occasion been called a sarcastic smartass. Truth be told, I’ve been called that on many occasions by many people and I wear that mantle with pride. It probably will explain this post that concerns two of my all-time favorite people, Oscar Wilde and Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain), two of the most famous smartasses in the world. History calls them humorists, rascals, and intellectuals but that’s just history being kind. They took biting humor and sarcasm to new levels and did it in such a way as to make people love and respect them. Fortunately, I don’t have to worry about that. Here’s a little personal information on Oscar with a collection of his quotes.
Oscar Fingal O’Flaherty Wills Wilde (16 October 1854 – 30 November 1900) was an Irish poet and playwright. After writing in different forms throughout the 1880s, he became one of the most popular playwrights in London in the early 1890s.
- “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
- “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
- “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”
- “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”
- “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
- “If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.”
- “It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it.”
- “The truth is rarely pure and never simple.”
- “You can never be overdressed or overeducated.”
- “Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”
Now for a little taste of Mark Twain. He was a good old down-home boy who had the ability to make politicians shiver in their boots and the rest of us to laugh at his humorous way of seeing things.
Samuel Langhorne Clemens (November 30, 1835 – April 21, 1910), best known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American writer, humorist, entrepreneur, publisher, and lecturer. He was praised as the “greatest humorist the United States has produced”. Here a a few pearls of wisdom from Mark.
- “The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”
- “A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.”
- “Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”
- “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
- “The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”
- “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”
- “Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.”
- “Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.”
Back in my college days when I thought I knew everything but really didn’t, I had a professor once ask me what person living or dead would I like to sit down and have a meaningful conversation with. I can’t remember my answer but I’m sure it was stupid and meaningless because at that time I was totally clueless. If I could communicate with him now these two gentlemen would be my first and second choices. Better yet, I’d love to have them both sitting with me in a corner of a dark quiet pub sharing a bottle of brandy or bourbon and puffing on a cigar to discuss the state of the world or anything else they’d like to tell me.
As Always
SMARTASSES RULE!
For many years after moving to New England, I spent a great deal of time in dozens of local cemeteries in southern Maine, checking out epithets, and anything else interesting that I could find. There was a time when I would stretch T-shirts over old tombstones and do rubbings of family names and places which I then sold in a local gift shop. Business became so brisk I was able to take requests from certain families to memorialize their long dead relatives. It was a little weird at times but very interesting. I also got to meet a few of the local law enforcement officers who repeatedly stopped to check me out. The epithets were remarkable since most of the early deaths were colonists from England, the home of the limerick. What follows are not the ones I discovered back then but discoveries made by other morbid folks who were also fascinated by them. Here are a few priceless ones I think you might enjoy.
Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness’ sake.
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’,
So, he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.
Burlington Massachusetts
🎇🎇🎇
Here lies Ann Mann;
She lived an old maid and
She died an old Mann.
Bath Abbey, England
🎇🎇🎇
Sacred to the memory of
Elisha Philbrook and his wife Sarah
Beneath these stones do lie,
Back-to-back, my wife and I!
When the last trumpet the air shall fill,
If she gets up, I’ll just lie still.
Sargentville, Maine
🎇🎇🎇
Sacred to the memory of
Jared Bates
who died August 6, 1800.
His widow, age 24, lives at 7 Elm
Street, has every qualification for a
good wife and yearns to be comforted.
Lincoln, Maine
🎇🎇🎇
THINK UP A GOOD ONE FOR YOURSELF
AND LEAVE IT WITH A FRIEND
Most people consider themselves to have a great sense of humor and so do I. I’m sarcastic to a fault with an extremely dry sense of humor. Some people like it, some people don’t, as in all things.
One of the first things I look for when I meet someone new is their sense of humor. Do they like to laugh? Are they quick witted and enjoy being kidded? That’s the difference between being my friend or just being an acquaintance. I’ve been told that making a decision on someone based solely on humor just isn’t fair. That’s probably true but that’s the way I do it. I’ve met really intelligent people who have no sense of humor at all. Is that how you would like to spend your time, with them? Not me.
Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor. That really smart guy who I just met and accused of having no sense of humor thinks he’s the funniest guy on the planet. That’s one of the reasons attending a comedy club amateur night can be so much fun. That smart guy will stand up, say a few so-called funny stories, and bomb terribly. While some drunken schmuck will get up and have the entire place in stitches almost immediately. As with beauty, humor is in the eye of the beholder.
Here’s a collection of so-called humorous quotations by so-called celebrities. You be the judge on who’s funny and who’s not.
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“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock
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“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
― Woody Allen
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“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”
― Stephen King
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“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
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“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”
― Dr. Seuss
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“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
― Winston Churchill
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“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
― George Burns
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“Mom says it’s because she has PMS.
Do you even know what that means?
"I’m not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
― Nicholas Sparks
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“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright
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“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin
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“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein
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“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen
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“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx
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“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields
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“Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?”
― Marilyn Monroe
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“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
― Albert Einstein
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“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
― Oscar Levant
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“Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.”
― John Wayne
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“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
― Albert Einstein
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“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”
― Groucho Marx
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“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday
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“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
― Mark Twain
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“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
― Jane Austen
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“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”
― Mae West
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“Happiness is a warm puppy.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Are all of these quotations funny, not really, but the person making them thinks they are. It just goes to show that a well developed sense of humor can change people’s perception of you one way or another. Good, bad, indifferent, what does it matter, at least they’ve noticed you and you’ve made an impression. That’s the first step to a possible life long friendship.
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