Well, it’s New Years Eve once again. This was a fun holiday when I was in my teens and twenties but these days not so much. I never really understood what the big deal was and still don’t. It’s just a day and night made for drinking, carousing, and avoiding sobriety check points. I hope none of you become victims of that stupidity and cause an accident that may harm yourself and others by drinking and driving. In my years as a police officer, I made a point of not working on this holiday. I took the day off and then occasionally drank too much, caroused too much, and got really stupid. I managed to survive but only just.

This year I’m housebound and safe from the fits of holiday stupidity. Please be safe . . . and not too stupid. I wouldn’t want to be reading about any of you on “the day after”. Let me bring a few smiles to your lips before you decide to begin your celebration by taking a little trip to the 1980’s for some occasionally rude and hilarious humor.

• If the shrimps come in on a shrimp boat, how do the crabs come in? On the captain’s dinghy.

• Why did Miss Piggy miss her last concert? She had a frog in her throat.

• What happens when you moon in bumper-to-bumper traffic? You wind up with your ass in a jam.

• What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a skinny girl? The counterfeit bill is a phony buck.

• What’s the definition of a real lady? Someone who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, and only curses if it slips out.

• Why did they name the new feminine hygiene spray SSY? Because it takes the PU out of pussy.

• What happens when a guaranteed condom breaks? The guarantee runs out.

• What’s 138? Dinner for four.

• When do you know you’ve had the world’s best head? You have to pull the sheet out of your ass.

• What’s the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the first time you find out you can’t do it the second time, and panic is the second time you found out you couldn’t do it the first time.

BE CAREFUL OUT THERE