Archive for the ‘Bitch & Complain’ Category
“Welcome to the Company”
During my formative years as a corporate “slug” working my way up the ladder of success, I discovered many helpful tools. Many times we’d get assignments requiring the creation of new programs of one type or another. You’d name, create, and implement the program while being “eyeballed” by the upper-level executives. A group of us young upstarts were always looking for ways to ease tension by messing with the stodgy “suits” who were just so full of themselves and their positions. We used the following table for years to name our new programs and never once had the names of the programs questioned or changed. Here’s how it works:
Name the program by selecting one term from each of the following three columns. If it was a “Personnel” program you could use 5-1-6. Responsive Organizational Time-Phase or “ROT” for short.
If it sounded good the “suits” approved it every time. Our all-time favorite was a program developed to build morale within the Corporation with petty incentives designed to convince the associates that the company cared. We chose 3-1-0. Parallel Organizational Options or “POO”. “POO” was anonymously leaked to the rank-and-file in the company and the name became the actual morale builder. We had associates across the country talking up the “POO” program for weeks at every meeting. I freaking loved it.
Feel free to use it as often as you please because it’s a worth million laughs. Please be careful out there because the “suits” will get you if you’re not paying attention.
1 7 6
TOTAL INCREMENTAL TIME-PHASE
THE ‘TIT’ PROGRAM
While I don’t fully respect most politicians, I do respect the office of the Presidency, regardless of party. It doesn’t change my opinion that most if not all politicians are underprepared for the responsibility of the office. Here are some facts concerning past presidents you might find interesting even if the individuals weren’t.
- Our first president was George Washington. He is portrayed along with three other American presidents carved into Mount Rushmore National Memorial in South Dakota. His birthday is the first federal holiday to honor an American citizen and was implemented by an act of Congress in 1879. He stood 6’2″ tall, weighed 200 pounds, and wore size 13 shoes. He is the only president who didn’t live in Washington during his presidency.
- Eight presidents were born British subjects: Washington, J. Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, J.Q. Adams, Jackson, and W. Harrison.
- Eight presidents never attended college: Washington, Jackson, Van Buren, Taylor, Fillmore, Lincoln, A. Johnson, and Cleveland.
- The college that has the most presidents as alumni (seven in total) is Harvard: J. Adams, J.Q. Adams, T. Roosevelt, F. Roosevelt, Rutherford B. Hayes, John F. Kennedy, and George W. Bush.
- Presidents who would be considered “Washington outsiders” (i.e., the 18 presidents who never served in Congress) are: Adams, Jefferson, Taylor, Grant, Arthur, Cleveland, T. Roosevelt, Taft, Wilson, Coolidge, Hoover, F. Roosevelt, Eisenhower, Carter, Reagan, Clinton, Trump, and G.W. Bush.
- The most common religious affiliation among presidents has been Episcopalian, followed by Presbyterian.
- The ancestry of all 46 presidents is limited to the following heritages, or some combination thereof: Dutch, English, Irish, Scottish, Welsh, Swiss, German, and African.
- The oldest president inaugurated was Joe Biden (age 78); the youngest was Kennedy (age 43). Theodore Roosevelt, however, was the youngest man to become president – he was 42 when he succeeded McKinley, who had been assassinated.
- The tallest president was Abraham Lincoln at 6’4″, Madison was the shortest.
- Fifteen presidents served as vice presidents: J. Adams, Jefferson, Van Buren, Tyler, Fillmore, A. Johnson, Arthur, T. Roosevelt, Coolidge, Truman, Nixon, L.B. Johnson, Ford, George Bush, and Joe Biden.
- For two years the nation was run by a president and a vice president who were not elected by the people. After VP Spiro T. Agnew resigned in 1973, President Nixon appointed Gerald Ford as vice president. Nixon resigned the following year, which left Ford as president, and Ford’s appointed, Nelson Rockefeller, as second in line.
- James Buchanan was the only president never to marry. Five presidents remarried after the death of their first wives – two of whom, Tyler and Wilson, remarried while in the White House. Reagan was the only divorced president. Six presidents had no children. Tyler – father of 15 – had the most.
- Presidents Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, and Kennedy were assassinated in office.
- Assassination attempts were made on the lives of Jackson, T. Roosevelt, F. Roosevelt, Truman, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, G.H.W. Bush, Clinton, and G.W. Bush.
- Eight presidents died in office: W. Harrison (after having served only one month), Taylor, Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, Harding, F. Roosevelt, and Kennedy.
- Presidents Adams, Jefferson, and Monroe all died on the Fourth of July; Coolidge was born on that day.
- Kennedy and Taft are the only presidents buried in Arlington National Cemetery.
There you have todays trivia. Can’t wait to see what odd facts Joe Biden will leave for us. For sure he won’t be a candidate for Mt. Rushmore. Hollywood has the Walk of Fame with hundreds of gold stars on their sidewalks. We should institute a Walk of Shame around Bill Clintons presidential library with gold 🚽’s instead of stars. The first three recipients could and should be Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, and Donald Trump. Coming up fast on the outside is Joe Biden looking for his spot. Actually I think I’ll just nominate him right now to avoid the rush later.
HAIL TO THE CHIEF
“Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian.
Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.”
George Burns
As promised, here are the answers to the questions posted a few days ago. I certainly hope someone out there was able to answer them all correctly. It’s been a long time since I found someone who did.
Answers
26 = Letters of the Alphabet
7 = Wonders of the World
1001 = Arabian Nights
12 = Signs of the Zodiac
54 = Cards in a Deck (with the Joker)
9 = Planets in the Solar System
88 = Piano Keys
18 = Holes on a Golf Course
32 = Degrees Fahrenheit at which Water Freezes
90 = Degrees in a Right Angle
200 = Dollars for Passing GO in Monopoly
8 = Sides on a Stop Sign
3 = Blind Mice (See How They Run)
4 = Quarts in a Gallon
24 = Hours in a Day
1 = Wheel on a Unicycle
5 = Digits in a Zip Code
57 = Heinz Varieties
11 = Players on a Football Team
1000 = Words that a Picture is Worth
29 = Days in February in a Leap Year
40 = Days and Nights of the Great Flood
64 = Squares on a Checkerboard
13 = Donuts in a Bakers Dozen
52 = Weeks in a Year
“Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wings, those who cheer
today will curse tomorrow; only one thing endures – character.”
Horace Greeley (1811-1872)
Today is DUMB day here in Maine. No, that doesn’t mean I’m going to be DUMB today but all things being considered I might be DUMB tomorrow. This word is used almost as heavily as “shit” and “fuck”. One bad move and you are immediately labeled a “DUMB shit” or a “DUMB fuck”. You may have only made a minor mistake but you’re still painted with a broad brush that identifies you as someone who screwed up in a big way. Our language is not fair and not for the faint of heart. Have you ever heard the term “dumbassary” or how about “shitheadedness”? You can build your own words and introduce them into the lexicon and pray that someone repeats them, that they then catch on, and all of a sudden you’ve been immortalized. People everywhere use the word DUMB and some even attempt to make money from its use. Here are few examples . . .
- A 1998 song by the group “Garbage” was named DUMB.
- Another group of fine upstanding musicians called “The 411” used it as a song title way back in 2004.
- And probably one of the more famous weird bands, “Nirvana”, sang their hearts out in their 1993 In Utero album to the song DUMB. Later found to be highly prophetic when Kurt Cobain, the lead singer, offed himself with a shotgun. And lucky us because of that incident the magical title of celebrity was passed onto the band “Hole” and introduced us to Courtney Love. Really, how DUMB was that?
As flexible as the word DUMB is, the language has also supplied us with dozens of words with DUMB as the underlying meaning. If you hear any of the following words used in describing you in any fashion, the speaker is in fact, calling you a DUMB ass.
cretinous, feebleminded, simpleminded; boobish, foolish, idiotic, imbecile, moronic; ignorant, illiterate, lowbrow, uneducated, uninformed, unintellectual, and untaught, unthinking; absurd, asinine, balmy, cockeyed, crackpot, crazy, cuckoo, daffy, daft, dippy, fool, half-baked, harebrained, insane, kooky, loony, lunatic, mad, nonsensical, nutty, preposterous, sappy, screwball, silly, unwise, wacky, zany; fallacious, illogical, invalid, irrational, unreasonable, and last but not least, STUPID.
So when I state that I am anti-stupid you can see just how busy I’ve really become. It’s an endless battle identifying and pointing out all of the stupid, dumb, and idiotic citizens roaming our streets right under our noses. Fortunately for all of you, I grudgingly volunteered years ago to lead the charge against DUMB and STUPID.
YOUR WELCOME
I needed a break from writing today and decided to offer something a little different than the usual.
I posted this quiz for the first time in 2008. No one was able to answer all of the questions then, not even me. Some are very easy and some are very difficult, hence the name. My best response back in the day was 21 out of 25 correct answers. Have a go at it and see how you do. I’ll post all of the answers in a few days. That will give you a little time to work on it. Have fun . . .
Each number corresponds to a common phrase.
Example: 12 = I. in a F. Answer: 12 = INCHES in a FOOT.
26 = L. of the A.
7 = W. of the W.
1001 = A.N.
12 = S. of the Z.
54 = C. in a D. (with the J.)
9 = P. in the S.S.
88 = P.K.
18 = H. on a G.C.
32 = D.F. at which W.F.
90 = D. in a R.A.
200 = D. for P.G. in M.
8 = S. on a S.S.
3 = B.M. (S.H.T.R.)
4 = Q. in a G.
24 = H. in a D.
1 = W. on a U.
5 = D. in a Z.C.
57 = H.V. 11 = P. on a F.T.
1000 = W. that a P. is W.
29 = D. in F. in a L.Y.
40 =D. and N. of the G.F.
64 = S. on a C.
13 = D. in a B.D.
52 = W. in a Y.
POST YOUR NUMBER IN THE COMMENT LINE
I’ve been trying to write a memorial for Amy for some time now. To say I miss her would be an understatement. What I miss more would be all the music she would have written and performed if she would have lived. She was a powerful voice for her music and her generation. The photographs here are how I wish to remember her. Not the photo’s of a dying drug addict. I think she was young and naïve and running with a questionable crowd of so-called musicians and hangers-on. She had no self-control and hurried towards her death with open arms. I loved her voice and her songs and I hate her for robbing me of what could have been many years of listening to her sing to me. I carry her music with me always. She’s the first thing I see each morning when I turn on my phone and computer. I talk with her every day. Sounds really stupid I know, but I loved the girl pictured here.
You’re missed young lady.
RIP JADE
Today is Sunday, a day to relax and enjoy some trivia. It’s also necessary for me to help celebrate a family birthday, so I too can relax and enjoy this little bit of sunshine we’re having. It won’t be long before the snow flies. Enjoy . . .
- A Crocodiles tongue is attached to the roof of its mouth.
- A group of larks is called an exaltation.
- A kangaroo can’t jump unless its tail is touching the ground.
- A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away.
- A man had the hiccups for 69 years.
- A millipede has 4 legs on each segment of it’s body.
- A mole can dig over 250 feet of tunnel in a single night.
- A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
- A noisy restaurant is 100,000 times as loud as a watch ticking. Rock Concert 1,000,000,000 times as loud. Loud headphones 10,000,000,000. Shotgun blast 1,000,000,000,000
- A person at rest generates as much heat as a 100watt light bulb
- A group of owls is called a parliament.
- A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
- A quarter of Russia is covered by forest.
- A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
- A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
- A rhinoceros’ horn is made of compacted hair.
- A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn’t give her coffee
- A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.
- A group of ravens is called a murder.
- A shark can grow a new set of teeth in a week
- A silicon chip a quarter inch square has the capacity of the orignal 1949 ENIAC computer, which occupied a city block.
- A sizable oak tree, during the typical growing season, gives off 28,000 gallons of moisture.
- A snail can have about 25,000 teeth
- A group of toads is called a knot.
- About 300 million cells die in your body every minute.
HAVE A RELAXING SUNDAY
I’m sitting here today and enjoying my weekend. With winter bearing down on us and those delicious cold winter nights in my immediate future, I’m excited. Today I want to talk about sleeping naked. Sleeping naked is something that I’ve done my entire life except for a couple of years in the Army and a month here and there while in training as a police officer. I absolutely love it but I’ve been unable to do it for the last 18 months. Following my many issues with my cancer diagnosis I’ve been forced to sleep in a pair of shorts. I don’t think I need to explain why. Since most of my medical nightmares are ending my body is finally returning to normal and I’m about to give up the shorts and really enjoy this winter and the cold nights the way they ought to be enjoyed.
Over the years I’ve wasted many hours attempting to explain to certain individuals that sleeping naked is the only way to go. Why is it that most people become so set in their ways they can’t change no matter how good the argument might be for them to do so. Sleeping naked just seems to me to be the most natural and comfortable way to become completely rested. I’ve known some people who came to bed dressed for battle. One in particular loves wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt, full-length sweatpants, and usually a pair of totally unfashionable and ugly socks. Who in God’s name could possibly relax and get a good nights sleep dressed in an outfit like that? It’s even more of an issue if you’re coming to bed expecting a sexual encounter. It would take 20 minutes to find everything you’re looking for.
Nudity is the main issue I suppose. Why are people so repressed sexually and consumed with body image? I’ve known drop-dead gorgeous women who were so attractive they could’ve have any man they wanted for a sexual partner. They still choose to hide under the covers and are fearful of being seen naked. The old saying “if you’ve got it, flaunt it.” apparently doesn’t apply to everyone. On the reverse side of this issue I’ve known a few women who were anything but runway models and they spent more time naked than I did. Don’t even get me started about the arguments I’ve had about whether the lights in the bedroom should be on or off. It’s just nuts!
There’ve been famous people throughout history who loved being naked and weren’t afraid to admit it. Even one of our illustrious forefathers, Benjamin Franklin, when ambassador to France, was known to take on a daily basis what he called an “air bath”. He once wrote to the French physician, Jacques Barbeu-Duborg, describing it: “I rise early almost every morning and sit in my chamber, without any clothes whatever, half an hour or an hour, according to the season, either reading or writing.” On more than one occasion over the years I’ve tested his theory and I’m here to tell you he was absolutely right. It’s just a simple fact that doing things naked is way better than doing it clothed.
Let me throw a few quotes into the mix just to make things interesting:
- “What spirit is so empty and blind, that it cannot recognize the fact that the foot is more noble than the shoe, and skin more beautiful than the garment with which it is clothed?” Michelangelo
- “I come from a country where you don’t wear clothes most of the year. Nudity is the most natural state. I was born nude and I hope to be buried nude.” Elle MacPherson
- “Government, like dress, is the badge of lost innocence.” Thomas Paine, ‘Common Sense
- “I get it, man, I do. Sleeping next to a naked woman is one of the best things about being a man, if not the best. But as a woman I don’t want to do it. I need a barrier of pajamas. When I woke up this morning naked, I just felt gross. Men sleep naked, I think, because they are sweaty human beings who perspire like a Tour de France cyclist through the night. Have you ever smelled a guys sweaty sheets?” Anonymous
I suppose that last quote embodies everything I disagree with in one paragraph. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but OMG could that opinion reflect any more inaccuracies and biases? I’m willing to stand up and say “Men are not sweatier or grosser than women .”Have you ever smelled a guys sweaty sheets?” What arrogance. Women smell the same as men and if they’re the least bit concerned with their partner’s body odor, tell them to get up and take a shower. Join them if you must and have a little fun while you’re at it. If everyone takes a bath or shower and then “stinky” is no longer an issue. You make love, roll your butt out of bed and take another shower if you must. Common courtesy is the most important thing when sharing your bed and a bit of bodily fluid whether clothed or unclothed.
GET NAKED, SLEEP NAKED, PLAY NAKED
WHO COULD AS FOR ANYTHING MORE?
everyuselessthing.com 