I was recently watching an English comedian who had me laughing until I cried. His whole shtick was pointing out how badly people misinterpret lyrics in songs. It was truly ingenious, and I thought today I would pass along a few of those samples to help you to determine how badly you’ve been hearing them. The highlighted quotes are the incorrect lyrics most commonly misheard followed by the performer and the album or song. It’s all just fun and games so enjoy.
“Sleep in heavenly peas.” The Christmas Carol, Silent Night.
“There’s a bathroom on the right.” Creedence Clearwater Revival, Bad Moon Rising
“Excuse me while I kiss this guy.” Jimi Hendrix, Purple Haze
“Dead ants are my friends, they’re blowing in the wind.” Bob Dylan, Blowing in the Wind
“Donuts make my Brown eyes blue.” Crystal Gale, Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue
“Midnight after your wasted.” Maria Muldaur, Midnight at the Oasis
“She’s got a chicken to ride.” The Beatles, Ticket to Ride
“You and me and Leslie.” The Rascals, Groovin’
“Baking carrot biscuits.” Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Taking Care of Business
“Just brush my teeth before you leave me.” Juice Newton, Angel of the Morning
Everyone seems to love weird facts and even weirder trivia. I try to distribute as much of that nonsense as I possibly can, and today will be no different. The following facts you may know, or you may have heard of before but in general they’re a little different.
Pres. Lyndon B. Johnson enjoyed the soft drink Fresca so much that he had a special tap installed in the White House for his use.
The ideal knuckleball should complete less than one single rotation on its way to home plate. Its erratic path is created by the difference in air molecules traveling over the baseball seams and smooth surfaces.
Ice skaters skate on water, not ice. At 32°F, ice has a liquid surface measuring 400 billionths of a meter thick. Below -31°F, the liquid layer becomes so thin that the skater’s blades would stick rather than glide across the ice.
The Puritans founded America’s first college, bookstore, and newspaper.
The percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had to do it all over again is 80%. The percentage of American women who say the same is 50%.
There are 2,598,960 possible hands in Texas Hold’em.
The word salary comes from the Latin “salarium” meaning “payment in salt.” Roman soldiers were paid partially in salt, a highly valuable commodity at the time.
High quality crystal produces a clear ringing sound when struck, hence the phrase “crystal clear.”
To actually see a rainbow, you must have your back to the sun.
Human foreskins discarded after circumcision are sold to biomedical companies for use in artificial skin manufacture. One foreskin contains enough genetic material to grow 250,000 ft.² of new skin. They are also used as a “secret ingredient” in popular anti-wrinkle gels.
I’ve never really understood or cared why the Fourth of July is called Independence Day. I know it’s the celebration of the signing of the Declaration of Independence but in this day and age who really cares? It’s just become another excuse to have a long weekend and a day off and to drink and party and be foolish. It seems to me that only a very small percentage of the country really understands what is being celebrated on the Fourth of July.
Many years ago, while on a long weekend to Cape Cod I purchased a T-shirt in a shop in Provincetown. The minute I saw the shirt I knew I had to have it. I continued to wear it for years until it fell apart. I have since purchased another and wear it proudly. It’s a short statement of fact that I’m proud to wear across my chest, “I love my country and fear our government.” A simple yet true statement and even truer today than when I bought it. Mixing politics with patriotism is a dangerous thing and it still scares the hell out of me. Relying on our current crop of inept politicians to keep this county secure and on the right path is frightening at best. For me the Fourth of July is a bogus holiday. We should celebrate it on February 29 (Leap Year), every four years. Here is sample of how one of the Founding Fathers felt about it.
Did you know? John Adams believed that July 2nd was the correct date on which to celebrate the birth of American independence, and would reportedly turn down invitations to appear at July 4th events in protest.
It apparently wasn’t considered an American Holy Day back then. Those poor politicians hadn’t yet discovered the essentials needed to celebrate properly, charcoal brickettes, gas grills, and an endless supply of alcohol and weed. Mix all of that together with a few idiot politicians and you’ve got a real current-day Independence Day celebration.
I’m really not an educated weatherman but I do know one thing for sure, this rain sucks. I’m so sick of these gray and dreary days that only allow us 15 minutes of sunshine a day before the next downpour begins. It’s no wonder that all those smiling and happy folks in Seattle (sarcasm) are so much fun to be around. They have this kind crap weather on a regular basis and that’s bound to have a derogatory effect on them. With that thought in mind I thought I’d throw some additionalWeird Sh*t your way. It won’t stop the rain from continuing but it might make you smile a little.
Bacon affects the brain in the same way as cocaine and heroin, overloading pleasure centers and requiring increasing amounts to be satisfied.
New York City is estimated to have at least 8 million rats, or one rat per person.
In 2006, William Shatner was paid $25,000 from an online casino for a kidney stone he had recently passed.
Benjamin Franklin almost killed himself while trying to electrocute a turkey.
In 1799 a vigilante mob hunted down killer Micajah Harpe and placed his severed head on a pike at a crossroads in Western Kentucky still known as “Harpe’s Head”.
In South Korea, 11% of school-aged youth are considered at high risk for Internet addiction.
In the winter of 1952-53, Thompson Pass near Valdez, Alaska, got 975 inches of snow.
Women can go topless in public in New York City as long as they are not charging money for it.
In 1976, a 7.5 magnitude earthquake killed 23,000 Guatemalans.
During his 1989 appearance on the TV talk show Larry King Live, Donald Trump asked King, “Do you mind if I sit back a little bit because your breath is very bad. It really is.”
More weirdness from the human race. There seems to be an endless supply and I’m going to eventually post all of it.
The human eye can see only about 3000 stars on the clearest night, even though there are more than 100 billion stars in our galaxy alone.
One medieval theory to explain why a dunked witch would not float was that witches deliberately ate foods that make them fart. The gas would build up in their guts, making them lighter than air, so they could fly.
In Europe in the Middle Ages it was believed that there were over 7 million demons in the air, which could be inhaled or swallowed and would cause disease or make a corpse turned into a vampire.
Thomas Edison filed 1093 patents, including those for the lightbulb, electric railways, and the movie camera. When he died in 1931, he held 34 patents for the telephone, 141 for batteries, 150 for the telegraph, and 389 patents for electric lights and power.
No pain, no gain – in their quest for an hour-glass figure, some of Victorian women wore their corsets so tight that they suffered broken ribs.
During the Middle Ages, mummies became enormously popular as medicine. At first the resin-soaked bandages were thought to be health giving, but eventually the whole mummy, bones, flesh, and all, was ground up and sold to people who would eat it.
Sleepwalking, also known as somnambulism, effects approximately 18% of the world’s population. People are capable of doing all sorts of things while in their sleep, including eating, bathing, and dressing. Some subjects have been recorded driving cars and committing murder while technically asleep.
According to the World Toilet Organization, the average person visits the toilet about 6 to 8 times a day, or 2500 times a year, and spends three years of his or her life sitting on the toilet.
Emetophobia is the fear of vomiting or of being around others who are vomiting. It is the fifth most common phobia according to the International Emetophobia Society.
Diabetes can lead to high levels of sugar in the urine. Before simple test for sugar levels were made available, doctors would taste their patient’s urine to see if it was sweet.
I’ve been promising for some time to post a few bawdy limericks and today’s the day. These four limericks can be rated either “R” or “X” depending on the reader. If you have any children who use your computer, make sure they don’t get to see these. I don’t have much more to say about this post because believe me, it speaks for itself. I hope all of you who requested this posting (and you know who you are) appreciate how uncomfortable it makes me to post this. So here we go.
In keeping with the name of this blog, here are a few tidbits and quotes of totally useless information to help kickstart your Summer.
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Keen on disproving a key point made on an episode of CSI, a 55-year-old South Dakota man was killed in 2007 after shooting himself in the stomach, despite a script that showed otherwise. Sadly, he was absolutely correct
I think more people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. Nancy Reagan
An accident on the north end of Boston on January 15, 1919, flooded the area with 2 1/2 million gallons of molasses in a wave as much as 15 feet high. 21 people were killed, and 150 more were injured.
If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it. Jonathan Winters
Theodore Roosevelt was shot as he campaigned for the presidency in 1912. The bullet hit him in the chest but not before passing through his glasses case and the speech he had folded in his pocket. Roosevelt received a superficial wound and finished his speech before going to the hospital for treatment 90 min. later.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. Timothy Leary
FYI – Egyptian artwork from 3000 years ago reveals Bes, the God of birth and carnal pleasures, wearing a condom type device. The Chinese were said to have worn a silk sheath as a prophylactic 2000 years ago.
Women should be obscene and not heard. Groucho Marx
In the National Basketball Association’s first season, 1946-47, the top paid player was Detroit’s Tom King, who made $16,500. He also acted as the team’s publicity manager and business director. Just like today LOL.
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you’re busy interrupting. Mark Twain
Both William Shakespeare and Miguel D. Cervantes, who is considered by some to be Shakespeare’s literary equivalent, died on the same day, April 23, 1616.
In 1958, a Kansas tornado ripped a woman out of her house and deposited her, unharmed, 60 feet away, next to an LP record of the song Stormy Weather.
In Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Vern describes the Paris skyline dominated by a large metallic structure. The book was written in 1863, years before the Eiffel Tower was conceptualized in 1887.
The bubonic plague was nicknamed the Black Death because of the nasty black sores it left on its victims’ bodies.
In January 2008, the Dunkinfield Crematorium in Manchester, England, asked local residents and clergymen to support its plan for heating and powering its chapel and boiler using the heat created by burning bodies.
John Lennon’s killer, Mark David Chapman, was a church group leader. It is said that he would lead sing-alongs to the tune of Lennon’s song “Imagine”, during which he would change the lyrics to “Imagine there is no John Lennon”.
If 13 people sit down to eat at a table together, one of them will die within the year.
A grilled cheese sandwich bearing the image of the Virgin Mary was sold in 2004 for $28,000.
Novelist Ernest Hemingway and poet Hart Crane were both born on July 21, 1899. Both struggled with alcoholism and depression, and both committed suicide.
American author Norman Mailer once stabbed his wife and then wrote a novel about it (An American Dream).
These 10 items are just a mishmash of oddities. Fortunately for me the more I research the more of them I stumble upon. Like it or not I’ll be passing them on to you for your enjoyment. I’d like to finish this post with a quote from John Lennon which I found interesting:
“Everybody loves you when you’re six foot in the ground,”
As a kid I learned to read the newspapers from my parents. At that time there was very little current event news available except by newspaper due to the fact there was no Internet and in my case no television. You either picked up the local news by radio or from the newspapers. In my later years I occasionally read newspapers on Sunday mornings, and it took a couple of hours because the newspapers were at least 3 inches thick. A few years later I again took to reading the Sunday papers primarily looking for jobs. I never really appreciated the newspapers like I should have and there are times I do miss being able to wake up on a Sunday morning, make a huge mug of hot coffee, and sit and read every word of every page of the New York Times or the Pittsburgh Press. Unfortunately, with the passing of time newspapers are slowly fading away. I can’t let that happen without having a little fun with them before they’re all gone which means today, you’re going to get some more of our more humorous newspaper headlines supplied by many alleged professional editors. Have fun with it.
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Alzheimer’s Center Prepares for an Affair to Remember
I realize that many people who have never played golf, dislike the game immensely. I harken back to the days when George Carlin complained constantly about all the acreage wasted on the game of golf across the country. I started golfing at the age of 12 with my father and played consistently for 30 years until he was unable to play any longer. We had quite a competition during those years, and I remember a day of grand celebration when I was in my early 20s and I won my first dime from him. I still have that dime framed and hanging in my man cave to this day and every time I look at it makes me smile. I sure do miss him. Some of the funniest sports stories I’ve ever heard involved golfers and I’m going to share a few of them with you today. Let’s get started.
One day Bob Hope was playing golf with Sam Goldwyn, the movie producer. On one hole Goldwyn missed an easy 2-foot putt. He became so angry that he threw his putter away in disgust and walked away. When nobody was looking, Hope picked up the club and stuck it in his own golf bag.
On the next hole, Hope, who was a fine golfer, used the putter Goldwyn had thrown away, and sank a 20-footer. “That’s very good,” Goldwyn said. “Let me see that putter for a minute.”
Goldwyn closely examined the club, took a few practice putts with it and said, “I like this club very much. Will you sell it to me?” “Sure,” Hope replied. “It’ll cost you $50.” Many years later Sam Goldwyn found out that he had paid $50 for a club he had just thrown away.
Bobby Jones was one of the greatest golfers ever, winning dozens of tournaments before he retired in 1930. One day in 1920, playing in the Southern Amateur Tournament at New Orleans, Jones found himself with an unexpected problem.
One of his drives landed inside an old shoe that lay on top of the workman’s wheelbarrow. After deciding not to take a penalty for dropping the ball out of the chute, he found a novel solution. He played the shoe.
The immortal Bobby walloped the shoe, which assumed off the wheelbarrow. The ball flew out of the shoe and kept rolling, finally stopping only a few feet from the green. Jones chipped up to the green and holed out for a par.
Now it’s my turn to add one of my personal stories. My father was quite a good golfer, but he had quite a bad temper as well. We were five holes into our round of golf one afternoon and he was having serious problems with his tee shots. He had a favorite driver that he loved, and that love affair ended that day. As he teed off on the fifth hole he sliced directly into the woods to the right of the fairway. I won’t repeat the string of obscenities I heard as he threw that damn club high up into the trees. It was tangled and mangled forty feet off the ground and remained there for 20 years. As we frequently played that course, we never failed to mention his bad temper and that terrible slice each time we passed that hole. Always lots of laughter and additional curse words of course. He was forced by his physical problems to stop golfing as his retirement neared. My closest friend and I went to the golf course one dark night, climbed that stupid tree and retrieved his mangled club. I had it cleaned and mounted on a lovely walnut plaque which was presented to him at his retirement party. A great night for all concerned and that damn club still hangs in my sister’s house to this day.
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