Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category

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CNN ‘Reliable Sources’ Panel Blames Americans for Biden’s Sagging Approval Rating

🌲Christmas Limerick🌲   4 comments

There once was a woman named Bess
For whom holiday cooking meant stress.
Five puddings, ten turkeys
And a thousand beef jerkeys –
Bess did tend to cook to excess!

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

12/10/2021 What Should I Insure ??   Leave a comment

We are deep into the Christmas season now and I’m sure that the great majority of people everywhere are spending and spending and spending. The holidays tend to put a strain on everyone’s purse especially those people with children. I thought I’d like to lighten the mood a little bit and tell you a few facts I happened upon in a book I was reading recently. As you also know I love writing about celebrities and alleged celebrities and all of their quirks and odd behaviors and that’s what I’m going to do today.

For those of us on the not-so-famous list, the following items might seem a bit much. Apparently in Hollywood their personal budgets are a touch higher than ours, and their interests are totally different. I insure my 12-year-old car, my house, my smart phone, and a sizable annual cost to protect all of my computers, tablets, and laptops. Let me now give you a list of some of your favorite celebrities, present and past, and the things they insure, it’s mind-boggling. Here we go . . .

  • American country and western singer and actress, Dolly Parton, insured her legendary boobs for $600,000.
  • Rolling Stones guitarist, Keith Richards, insured his right index finger for $1.6 million.
  • Australian cricket hero, Merv Hughes, insured his mustache for $38,000.
  • In 2006, soccer player, David Beckham, insured his entire body for $190 million.
  • German supermodel, actress, and singer, Heidi Klum, insured her legs for $2.2 million.
  • American actress, Jamie Lee Curtis, insured her legs for $1 million.
  • Lord of the Dance, Michael Flatley, insured his legs for $47.5 million.
  • American rockstar, Bruce Springsteen, insured his voice for $6 million.

I hope you don’t think this is anything unusual, because it isn’t. The habit of celebrities insuring body parts goes back many years. The numbers were a little smaller “back in the day” but at the time it was still a great deal of money. Here’s some oldies but goodies . . .

  • American dancer and film star, Fred Astaire, had his legs insured for $75,000 each.
  • British stripper, Frankie Jakeman, insured his penis for $1.6 million.
  • 20th Century Fox film star, Betty Grable, insured each of her legs for $1 million. Hence the origin of the phrase, “million-dollar legs”.
  • German cabaret artist, singer, and film star, Marlene Dietrich, insured her voice for $1 million.
  • American actress, Bette Davis, took out a $28,000 insurance policy against putting on weight.
  • American singer and actor, Jimmy Durante, insured his nose for $50,000.
  • Hungarian food critic, Egon Ronay, insured his taste buds for $400,000.
  • In 1964, the Beatles, were insured for $1 million on their first US tour.

There you have it folks. Be glad you only have to insure your house, car, children, smartphones, computers, and those pesky life insurance policies for you and your spouse. As you can see it could be a lot worse if you’re one of the famous people. I certainly don’t feel sorry for them and I’m pretty sure you don’t either.

14 Shopping Days Left

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With the holidays on the horizon,

I placed 20 calls to Verizon.

They stuck me on hold

Til my dinner got cold.

And I still absolutely despise them.

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London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

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When Rudolph got hurt in a fight
He couldn’t lead Santa that night
Too much Christmas cheer
And eggnog, and beer,
His red nose was shiny, all right!

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House Passes Gas Tax on to Senate

12/05/2021 Suffering Fools   Leave a comment

I thought I would get this semi-political post on its way before the drumbeat of Christmas and New Year’s drowns out almost everything until January. I’ve consistently had very few nice things to say about the government and its politicians. I once leaned to the political right but in truth it’s gotten to the point where you really can’t tell the political parties apart. Most people would rather be known as Independents rather than Republican or Democrat. As I’m a fan of the English language I decided that maybe I should make an attempt to soften my rhetoric a little. So, in the future my new term for these people will be “fools”, who are being “foolish”, and accomplishing nothing but “foolishness”.

Dictionary Definition

fool’ish

Resulting from poor showing a lack of sense; ill considered; unwise: a foolish action, a foolish speech.

Lacking forethought or caution. Trifling, insignificant, or paltry.

It sounds pretty tame to me and maybe it’s too tame. I’m afraid that at times I won’t be able to control my anger and an F-bomb or two may make an appearance. Oh well, I’m only human and “to err is human, to forgive divine” after all. I’m still working hard on reaching the “divine” stage. Every expert or intellectual feels a certain responsibility to make some grand quote on the term “foolish” and one or two are actually worth repeating. Here are few I’ve found but I make no guarantees as to their worth.

  • “A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.”
  • “You may fool all the people some of the time, you can even fool some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.” Abraham Lincoln
  • “You can educate a fool, but you cannot make him think “. The Talmad

And my all-time favorite:

  • “He who is born a fool is never cured.” Proverbs
  • “Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind.” Henry David Thoreau
  • “When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.” Cynthia Heimel
  • “By the time the fool has learned the game, the players have dispersed.” African Proverb
  • “A fool may be known by six things: anger, without cause; speech, without profit; change, without progress; inquiry, without object; putting trust in a stranger, and mistaking foes for friends.” Arabian Proverb

IT IS BETTER TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED AND LET PEOPLE THINK YOU A FOOL

THAN TO OPEN IT AND REMOVE ALL DOUBT

12/04/2021 Christmas Party Time   Leave a comment

Here’s a little holiday humor for you:

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas party. He didn’t even remember how he’d gotten home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he’d done anything wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.

He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!” He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, “Son, what happened last night?” “Well Dad, you came home after 3 A.M from the Christmas party, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a fresh red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me. What the hell?”

His son replied, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up last night, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone bitch, I’m married!'”

20 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT