Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
It’s time for me to switch from my Christmas preparations since it’s almost here, to my annual prep for New Year’s. Since I’m planning to abandon the blog for a few days over each holiday, (24-26 Dec & 31-02 Jan), I thought getting my New Year’s resolutions posted early made a lot of sense. I enjoy making them every year but almost never live up to my own expectations. The important thing is to keep trying. There’s the challenge for you.
“New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” —Mark Twain
- Read a minimum of 50 books this year.
- Spend more quality time with the grandchildren.
- For the third year in a row (failed three times), I won’t walk naked near the front picture window. It freaks out the bicyclists, joggers and neighbors.
- Drink less than last year but more than next year.
- Complete the Recipe/Photo book I’ve been working on for years.
“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” —Bill Vaughn
- Keep the F-bombs to less than ten per day.
- Spend less than $50.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts.
- Lose 20 pounds of ugly fat.
- Complete at least five new paintings.
- Be a kinder and gentler pet owner. The cat requested this one.
“New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” —James Agate
Those are my ten official resolutions for 2022. Although as I was surfing the net earlier today, I discovered two more which I’m unofficially adding to my list.
11. I will not act my age.
12. I will not sit in my living room all day in my pajamas. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
“I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.” —Robert Paul
WISH ME LUCK
2 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Christmas Eve the night of all nights.
Flying around delivering toys a delight.
It certainly helps when the flask from the elves,
Helps Santa sleep better at night.
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Three garbage men were doing their Christmas rounds and collecting their well-earned Xmas tips and gifts from the grateful householders when they arrived at a pleasant house at the end of a cul-de-sac.
The first garbage collector went up to the door to be met by the lady of the house in very revealing attire, who said, “Oh yes, I know what you want!” as she dragged him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him.
A short while later he returned bedraggled to the garbage truck and told his colleague what had happened.
His mate like the idea of some of that so he went to the house where once again the lady appeared, this time in even more revealing attire. “Oh yes, I know what you want!” she said as she dragged him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him as well.
Afterwards, he also returned bedraggled to the lorry and told the driver what had happened.
“Hmmm, I’ll have a bit of that!” thought the driver and walked up to the house. The lady opened the door and gave him $5. “Hey!” said the driver, “What about the fun and games you gave my colleagues?” Oh that,” said the woman “You can blame my husband for that.” “What’s he got to do with it?” asked the driver.
The lady answered, “Well, he said to give $5 to the driver and screw the other two.”
4 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
HO! HO! HO!
There was a farmer named Gary
Whose mule was getting contrary.
Gary painted him red,
A green hat on his head.
Sold him as a huge Christmas fairy.
Santa comes down a chimney one Christmas Eve and to his surprise finds a gorgeous brunette waiting for him, wearing the sexiest lingerie imaginable. “Santa,” she purrs, “Can you stay for a while?” Santa says, “Ho, Ho, Ho, I’ve gotta go! Have to deliver toys to children, you know!”
She comes close, starts playing with his beard, whispers in his ear, “Santa, don’t you have a gift you would like to give me?” Santa says, “Ho, Ho, Ho, I’ve gotta go! Have to spread Christmas cheer, you know!”
The brunette takes off her straps, giving Santa a view of her breasts and says, “Santa, are you sure there’s no gift you’d like to leave?” Santa says, “Hey, Hey, Hey, might as well stay. I can’t shimmy up the chimney looking this way!”
7 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Cold Wave Link to Temperatures
If You lived in Your Car, You’d be Home by Now
As a young child my parents made every attempt to make Christmas as memorable as possible for my sister and for me. I was almost 6 years old when this incident took place back when I still firmly believed the tales of Santa and his elves and all that good stuff. But in the back of my young mind, I secretly was beginning to have doubts. A lot of what I was being told by the family wasn’t what I was hearing on the playground. My friends had almost convinced me there was no Santa and that my parents were actually the real gift givers.
My parents apparently began to suspect that was wavering and that their propaganda was falling on deaf ears. In a conspiracy involving my mother’s sister, Annamae, they decided drastic action was going to be needed. I’d been acting out and being a little disrespectful so it was time for Santa to straighten me out.
It was about a week before Christmas and we were visiting my grandparents. I was being a huge pain in the butt like a lot of six-year-olds can be. It was just after dark and I was walking through the house to the kitchen. As I passed by a window I glanced over and almost crapped my pants. There was Santa standing there staring at me and smiling. I was terrified and quickly ran upstairs and hid under the bed and refused to come out until the coast was clear. My parents let me know in no uncertain terms that Santa was out looking for those children who were being good and visiting those that weren’t.
For the next day or so I was a perfect little angel but after dark I was afraid to look out the windows or to enter a dark room. Santa the terrorist had accomplished his mission. I saw him on two or three other occasions during the next few years, once at our home, and again in the cellar of my grandparents’ house. Unfortunately, I was already a nonbeliever by that time but went along with the charade to keep peace in the family and not to scare my little sister. By then I knew my parents were the ones I needed to suck up to and I did it in grand fashion.
Many years later while I was digging through a trunk in my aunt’s bedroom I discovered where Santa had been hiding. His retirement consisted of being hidden under a pile of sheets and pillowcases in an old trunk. My aunt laughed like crazy when I confronted her, and we both enjoyed the moment very much while I modeled the hat and beard. It was a real Hallmark moment for both of us.
What I never told her or my parents was that there was some lingering collateral damage from their actions. To this day during the Christmas season, I’m careful in dark rooms and try never look out the windows. In the malls or stores where Santas is holding court, I walk on by without making eye contact. The guy still scares the bejesus out of me. LOL
HO, HO, HO – It’s Santa Ben Laden
8 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
A remarkable race are the Persians:
They embrace such peculiar diversions;
They make love all day
In the usual way,
And save, till the nights, their perversions.
everyuselessthing.com 