Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
As a young child my parents made every attempt to make Christmas as memorable as possible for my sister and for me. I was almost 6 years old when this incident took place back when I still firmly believed the tales of Santa and his elves and all that good stuff. But in the back of my young mind, I secretly was beginning to have doubts. A lot of what I was being told by the family wasn’t what I was hearing on the playground. My friends had almost convinced me there was no Santa and that my parents were actually the real gift givers.
My parents apparently began to suspect that was wavering and that their propaganda was falling on deaf ears. In a conspiracy involving my mother’s sister, Annamae, they decided drastic action was going to be needed. I’d been acting out and being a little disrespectful so it was time for Santa to straighten me out.
It was about a week before Christmas and we were visiting my grandparents. I was being a huge pain in the butt like a lot of six-year-olds can be. It was just after dark and I was walking through the house to the kitchen. As I passed by a window I glanced over and almost crapped my pants. There was Santa standing there staring at me and smiling. I was terrified and quickly ran upstairs and hid under the bed and refused to come out until the coast was clear. My parents let me know in no uncertain terms that Santa was out looking for those children who were being good and visiting those that weren’t.
For the next day or so I was a perfect little angel but after dark I was afraid to look out the windows or to enter a dark room. Santa the terrorist had accomplished his mission. I saw him on two or three other occasions during the next few years, once at our home, and again in the cellar of my grandparents’ house. Unfortunately, I was already a nonbeliever by that time but went along with the charade to keep peace in the family and not to scare my little sister. By then I knew my parents were the ones I needed to suck up to and I did it in grand fashion.
Many years later while I was digging through a trunk in my aunt’s bedroom I discovered where Santa had been hiding. His retirement consisted of being hidden under a pile of sheets and pillowcases in an old trunk. My aunt laughed like crazy when I confronted her, and we both enjoyed the moment very much while I modeled the hat and beard. It was a real Hallmark moment for both of us.
What I never told her or my parents was that there was some lingering collateral damage from their actions. To this day during the Christmas season, I’m careful in dark rooms and try never look out the windows. In the malls or stores where Santas is holding court, I walk on by without making eye contact. The guy still scares the bejesus out of me. LOL
HO, HO, HO – It’s Santa Ben Laden
8 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
A remarkable race are the Persians:
They embrace such peculiar diversions;
They make love all day
In the usual way,
And save, till the nights, their perversions.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike. The cop says to the young girl, “Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?” “Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.
With a smile on his face, the cop says “Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket. Before the cop rides off, she says “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Playing along the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
“Well, next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”
10 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Santa’s sleigh and GPS were upgraded this year,
With Alexa in charge of all eight reindeer.
Rudolph rudely told Santa, this change really blows,
As Santa screamed loudly, “Alexa, turn on his freaking nose!”
HO! HO! HO!
CNN ‘Reliable Sources’ Panel Blames Americans for Biden’s Sagging Approval Rating
There once was a woman named Bess
For whom holiday cooking meant stress.
Five puddings, ten turkeys
And a thousand beef jerkeys –
Bess did tend to cook to excess!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
We are deep into the Christmas season now and I’m sure that the great majority of people everywhere are spending and spending and spending. The holidays tend to put a strain on everyone’s purse especially those people with children. I thought I’d like to lighten the mood a little bit and tell you a few facts I happened upon in a book I was reading recently. As you also know I love writing about celebrities and alleged celebrities and all of their quirks and odd behaviors and that’s what I’m going to do today.
For those of us on the not-so-famous list, the following items might seem a bit much. Apparently in Hollywood their personal budgets are a touch higher than ours, and their interests are totally different. I insure my 12-year-old car, my house, my smart phone, and a sizable annual cost to protect all of my computers, tablets, and laptops. Let me now give you a list of some of your favorite celebrities, present and past, and the things they insure, it’s mind-boggling. Here we go . . .
- American country and western singer and actress, Dolly Parton, insured her legendary boobs for $600,000.
- Rolling Stones guitarist, Keith Richards, insured his right index finger for $1.6 million.
- Australian cricket hero, Merv Hughes, insured his mustache for $38,000.
- In 2006, soccer player, David Beckham, insured his entire body for $190 million.
- German supermodel, actress, and singer, Heidi Klum, insured her legs for $2.2 million.
- American actress, Jamie Lee Curtis, insured her legs for $1 million.
- Lord of the Dance, Michael Flatley, insured his legs for $47.5 million.
- American rockstar, Bruce Springsteen, insured his voice for $6 million.
I hope you don’t think this is anything unusual, because it isn’t. The habit of celebrities insuring body parts goes back many years. The numbers were a little smaller “back in the day” but at the time it was still a great deal of money. Here’s some oldies but goodies . . .
- American dancer and film star, Fred Astaire, had his legs insured for $75,000 each.
- British stripper, Frankie Jakeman, insured his penis for $1.6 million.
- 20th Century Fox film star, Betty Grable, insured each of her legs for $1 million. Hence the origin of the phrase, “million-dollar legs”.
- German cabaret artist, singer, and film star, Marlene Dietrich, insured her voice for $1 million.
- American actress, Bette Davis, took out a $28,000 insurance policy against putting on weight.
- American singer and actor, Jimmy Durante, insured his nose for $50,000.
- Hungarian food critic, Egon Ronay, insured his taste buds for $400,000.
- In 1964, the Beatles, were insured for $1 million on their first US tour.
There you have it folks. Be glad you only have to insure your house, car, children, smartphones, computers, and those pesky life insurance policies for you and your spouse. As you can see it could be a lot worse if you’re one of the famous people. I certainly don’t feel sorry for them and I’m pretty sure you don’t either.
14 Shopping Days Left
With the holidays on the horizon,
I placed 20 calls to Verizon.
They stuck me on hold
Til my dinner got cold.
And I still absolutely despise them.
