“Come the right moment, a pawn can bring you victory.”
Ho Chi Minh
😁😁😁
Joke of the Day #1
Mary was married and had 13 children and unfortunately her husband suddenly died. Soon she married again and had 7 more children. Unbelievably her second husband also died. Once again, she remarried for the third time and had 5 more children. Alas poor exhausted Mary finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “go forth and multiply.” In his eulogy the preacher said, “Lord they’re finally together.” Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The neighbor replied, “I think he means her legs.”
☘️☘️☘️
❤️Limerick of the Day
A young baseball fan named Ms. Glend
Was the home team’s best rooter and friend,
But for her the big league
Never held the intrigue
Of a bat with two balls at the end.
😂😂😂
Joke of the Day #2
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother’s side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather’s death, her grandmother explained, “He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was just asking for trouble. “Oh, no,” her grandmother replied, “We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with church bells – in with the dings and out with the dongs.” She paused and gently wiped away a tear. “If it hadn’t been for that ice cream truck speeding by, he’d still be alive.”
An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the entire two weeks?” The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father. “Congratulations and welcome to the church!” said the priest. The priest then went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?” The middle-aged man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.” “Congratulations and welcome to the church,” said the priest. The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks”? “No Father, we weren’t able to go without sex for the full two weeks,” the young man replied sadly. “What happened?” inquired the priest. “My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,” said the young man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.” “You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcomed in our church,” stated the priest. “We know, “said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.”
Limerick of the Day
A young mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball.
The cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Is his phone number – give him a call!
Wisdom for the Day
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” “Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times”, she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, “Go home and take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it all.” “Will this truly cleanse my soul of all my sins?” “No,” the priest says, “but it’ll wipe that shit-eating grin off your face!”
😇😇😇
Limerick of the Day
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his Madam,
So loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls – and he had ’em.
😎😎😎
Joke of the Day #2
A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.” His wife asks, “How can I do it without surgery?” The husband tells her, “Just rub toilet paper between them.” Startled the lady asks, “How can that possibly make them bigger?” He smiled and said, “I don’t really know, but it worked really well for your ass.”
“The joints of thy thighs are the jewel, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.”
The Song of Solomon (7:1, King James Version)
😜😜😜
Joke of the Day #1
Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, “My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.” A second guy says, “What’s that?” The first guy says, “That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.” Another one says, “My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.” A girl sitting nearby asks, “What’s that?” He says, “That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.” A lady speaks up and says, “That’s nice enough but my name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.” Larry says, “A WIFE? What’s a WIFE?” She says, “That means, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #2
A guy walks into a bar in sees a sign that reads . . .
HAMBURGERS $1.
CHEESEBURGER $2.
HAND JOB $3.
He immediately spots the attractive large breasted blonde behind the counter. “Can I help you?” She asks with a smile.“I was wondering,” whispered the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Why yes I am,” she purrs, “Well if you don’t mind, please wash your hands, I really want a cheeseburger.
😇😇😇
Limerick of the Day
A girl named Alice, in Dallas,
Had never felt of a phallus.
She remained virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas would fit Alice.
😳😳😳
BETTER A FRIENDLY REFUSAL THAN AN UNWILLING ACCOMPLICE
There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual pleasantries she began to undress for the day’s work. He told her not to bother because he was feeling pretty bad with the flu he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home, he only wanted some hot tea and then to get some rest in bed. The model said, “Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It’s the least I can do.” He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup, too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. “Oh my God!” he whispered loudly. “It’s my wife. Quick, take all your clothes off.”
Joke of the Day #2
A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical examination. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow-up visit the doctor talked to the old man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” The old man replied, “Just doing what you said, doctor: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you’ve got a heart murmur and be careful.”
🤣🤣🤣
Limerick of the Day
A worried young man from Istanbul
Discovered large red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
“Get out of my clinic!
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool”
😙😙😙
What’s Grosser Than Gross
When a cheerleader jumps high into the air and lands in a split.
“Women complain about sex more often than men. Their gripes
fall into two major categories: (1) Not enough, (2) Too much.”
Ann Landers 1968
Joke of the Day
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh, my God, hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” “I can’t jump out of the window. It’s raining out there!” “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” She replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!” So, the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the other runners, about 300 of them. Being naked with his clothes under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could, but after a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity jogged a bit closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked. “Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air. “It feels so wonderfully free!” Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?” “Oh, yes,” our friend answered thinking quickly.” That way I can get dressed right of the end of the race and get in my car to go home!” Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?” “Nope . . . only when it’s raining.”
Limerick of the Day
There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she’d a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view.
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he’d lain.
Daily Wisdom
Q. What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. You push them both aside and keep on eating.
An Anonymous Non-PETA Contributor
&
“The right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing.”
I’ve been blogging now for more than fourteen years, and I’ve tried to be as interesting as possible as I spread as much useless informationthat I could find to as many readers as possible. Initially I spent my first four years writing a political blog that was interesting, but all of the lame and badly written death threats from either side of the aisle convinced that I was wasting my time. Since the changeover to a more easy-going and friendly blog, blogging has returned to being fun. Now it’s time for another sidestep from my normal routine to an even friendlier and more fun format. “HUMOR”. It’s probably one of the few areas that almost everyone can enjoy whether it’s from jokes (both clean or dirty), limericks (both clean or dirty), humorous trivia, or any other means to help you grin, smile, laugh, and lighten your day. I’ll give it a go for the remainder of this year with the hope it will keep you coming back for more.
“Joke of the Day”
A farmer sent his 15-year-old son into town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck. “See if you can get a girl in exchange for this,” he said. The lad met a prostitute along the way and said, “It’s my birthday and all I’ve got is this duck. Would you be willing to fuck? “Sure,” she said, “I’m sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I’ve never owned a duck.” Afterwards, she said, “Do you know for a 15-year-old boy, you’re quite a good lay. If you’d like to do it again, I’ll give you back your duck.” “Sure,” said the boy. When his pleasurable work was through, he left the village to return home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt so sorry for the boy and gave him two dollars. When he got home, his father asked, “How did you make out?” The son said, “I got a duck, a fuck, a duck for a fuck, and two dollars for a duck.”
In keeping with the new format here is the “Limerick of the Day” which should pay homage to a former lecherous President and his BFF:
I have always been proud of my sense of humor, and I look for that trait in people I associate with. It was always one of the first things I looked for when dating as well and it never failed me. I think in the future this blog will contain much more humor meaning of course a bit of “off color” funniness. Humor that isn’t tweaked by double entendres is “boring funny” and I find that totally unacceptable. I fully intend to load this blog with non-boring humor as often as possible starting today. Here goes nothing . . .
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks into his shirt pocket and then asks for second beer. After drinking that one he again looks in his shirt pocket and asks for a third beer. This happens about seven more times before the bartender finally asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?” “The man replies, I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts looking good enough, I’ll be heading on home.”
Little Johnny is walking past his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out loudly, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket next to her. “Hello, sir,” she said. “Do you like movies?” “Yes, I do, “he responded, then returned to his book. Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?” The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Goldie asked, “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man thought for moment and replied, “How did you know my name was Katz.?”
While many of my postings contain humor, I also feel required to add a few additional lines of beautiful poetry better known as a limerick. I always prefer ones that are a bit off-color whenever possible.
Once again, it’s time for a small collection of somewhat strange riddles from my favorite raunchy decade the 1980’s. That decade wasn’t near as bad as the 1960’s but it’s a damn close second for raunchiness. Enjoy this short retro trip down mammary lane . . .
Why is a virgin like a balloon? One prick and it’s all over!
Why was the bisexual prizefighter undefeated? He could lick anyone!
Why do girls fart after they pee? They can’t shake it, so they blow it dry!
How can you tell if Dolly Parton forgot to wear her bra? There are no wrinkles in her face!
What did Adam say when he woke up and was missing a rib? “Something smells fishy around here!”
What does the Lone Ranger do in the men’s room after a big meal? Take a dump, take a dump, take a dump dump dump!
What do you call oral sex in a national park? Old faceful!
What’s a prophylactic? A planned parent hood!
What’s the definition of trust? Two cannibals having oral sex!
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to screw it in, and three to discuss how it’s so much more gratifying than with a man!
As anyone who reads this blog knows I love limericks. I love the mild ones written by kids and for kids, the medium ones for many of the limerick loving adults who shy away from many of the naughtier limericks, and occasionally I get in the mood to post something a little raunchier. My favorite limerick writer has always been Isaac Azimov but one of his close friends deserved an honorable mention today. That friend was John Ciardi who for 16 years was the poetry editor for the Saturday Review and his translation of The Divine Comedy is still considered a classic. Sadly, he passed away in 1986 but his works and love of limericks lives on. Enjoy.
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