I’ve had something unusual happen this year. It appears because of my fractured ankle and my four months rehabilitation that I have a real shot at accomplishing most of my New Year’s resolutions. Now that we’re into October we’re within two months of year-end and I thought a review would be in order. Let’s take a quick look.
Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors). “COMPLETE” I’ve absolutely destroyed this one. Those four months of sitting on my ass while recuperating from my broken ankle made this one easy.
Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.) “FAIL” I only missed the yearly total by a few thousand.
Spend less than $50.00 a week at Dunkin. (That’s just for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.) “COMPLETE” They’ve become as bad as Starbucks and I’m finally free from all of their influences.
Drink less alcohol than last year but more next year. (I’m dreaming!) “MISERABLE FAILURE” No comment is necessary.
Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked) “ANOTHER MISERABLE FAILURE” Again, no comment.
💥💥💥
No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!) “COMPLETE” Due to my fractured ankle my dancing this year has been severely limited.
Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is to TRY.) “MISERABLE FAILURE” There are times when these resolutions are impossible. This is one of those times.
Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (And maybe learn one or two new ones from them.) “COMPLETE” Daycare and school have saved me on this one. Playground education has officially begun. and they’re learning a brand-new vocabulary but not from me.
Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years. “COMPLETE” I’ve seen much less of them this year which makes them miss me all the more.
Stay vertical. “COMPLETE” A term I’ve learned to really appreciate.
I’ve made mention many times that I’m a lover of history. Being an American I’m doubly interested in the history of this country and all of the good things and bad things that it’s done in order to exist in its present form. Today’s post will be a few facts of American history that I am reasonably sure not many of you are aware of. Let’s see if I can surprise you a little.
The name “United States of America” was coined by a man who lived the last years of his life in disrepute and who’s bodily remains eventually were lost. I’m talking about Thomas Payne. Payne lived his first 37 years in London, mostly in poverty, and only a fluke meeting in London with Benjamin Franklin encouraged his move to America. Later, in 1776, he wrote his popular and famous revolutionary tract, Common Sense.
Robert R. Livingston and James Munroe sailed to Paris for the sole purpose of buying a small piece of French held land in the West near New Orleans and for expanding waterway traffic. They ended up buying half a billion acres of wilderness called the Louisiana Purchase.
In the United States only 80 miles separate the highest point of land in the lower forty-eight states and the lowest point. Mount Whitney on the eastern border of Sequoia National Park in California is 14,496 feet high, and a pool called Badwater in Death Valley is 280 feet below sea level.
Morocco was the first country to recognize the United States of America (1789).
Beginning in 1882, immigrants had to pay to enter the United States. A tax of $.50 per person was imposed that year; it was increased to two dollars in 1903 and then again to four dollars in 1907.
The official manual of the Internal Revenue Service of the United States and is an agglomeration of 38,000 pages. It has been appropriately described as ” the world’s most confusing publication.”
When the United States was just 60 years old in 1836, Narciso Prentiss Whitman and Eliza Heart Spalding were perhaps the first women to cross the continent. They reached Oregon that year in a party organized by the American Board of Commissioners for Foreign Missionaries. The success of the expedition stimulated emigration to the territories in the Northwest.
The United States Automobile Association was formed in 1905 for the express purpose of providing “scouts” who could warn motorists of hidden “police traps.”
The population of New Hampshire increased only 8.3% between the start of the War of Independence and the 1970 census. In the same 194 years, the total population of the original 13 states, which included New Hampshire, increased from 2,616,000 (estimated) to just under 75 million – a gain of 2767%.
The first automobile to cross the United States took 52 days in 1903, to go from San Francisco to New York.
Let’s start this post with a statement of obvious fact:
“Organic gardening is a lot of shit.”
Now we can move on to some humor for all of you card playing fanatics out there:
Mr. Jones had come home from a hard day of work and was appalled when his wife reminded him that they had arranged to visit a friend’s house for dinner and bridge. “I’m too tired to budge”, he protested. “It can’t be helped”, said Mrs. Jones, her eyes turning dangerous. So, Jones was forced to shower, change clothes, and drag himself off to the friend’s house. In the bridge game he was paired off with the hostess and then proceeded to play one lousy game after another, so that he and the hostess lost steadily. Finally, he got up and muttered, “I’ve got to go to the bathroom.” He didn’t bother to close the door of the bathroom, and the sound of water trickling into water was clear and distinct. Mrs. Jones, totally embarrassed said, “Please excuse my husband. He’s had a very hard day.” The hostess then said, “No need for excuses. I don’t mind. This is the first moment since we started playing bridge tonight that I knew what he had in his hand.”
Since I love history, here is an interesting backstory I thought I’d share with you:
George IV of Great Britain hated his wife with growing intensity, and she returned it with interest. There were prolonged and rather disgusting divorce proceedings between them, and the entire British nation took an emotional part in it. When Napoleon died at St. Helena in 1821, the news was immediately brought to George IV’s attention. “Our greatest enemy is dead”, he was told. “Oh, is she?”, smiled George.
And of course, here is the expected and gratuitous limerick:
I met a lewd nude in Bermuda,
Who thought she was shrewd, but I was shrewder.
She thought it quite crude
To be wooed in the nude.
I was cruder, pursued her, and eventually screwed’er
I tend to look for publications containing limericks and I like them funny, silly, bawdy, and outright outrageous. Many of my readers constantly complain that my selections are too tame. They want lots of sexual content and even go so far as to complain about my selections of children’s limericks. I enjoy posting the more innocent lyrics from kids with the hope they will someday grow up and write some truly memorable and bawdy poetry. Someone has to assist the next generation in their endeavors, and I have gladly volunteered. Here are a few you can sample . . .
Once again, it’s time for a small collection of somewhat strange riddles from my favorite raunchy decade the 1980’s. That decade wasn’t near as bad as the 1960’s but it’s a damn close second for raunchiness. Enjoy this short retro trip down mammary lane . . .
Why is a virgin like a balloon? One prick and it’s all over!
Why was the bisexual prizefighter undefeated? He could lick anyone!
Why do girls fart after they pee? They can’t shake it, so they blow it dry!
How can you tell if Dolly Parton forgot to wear her bra? There are no wrinkles in her face!
What did Adam say when he woke up and was missing a rib? “Something smells fishy around here!”
What does the Lone Ranger do in the men’s room after a big meal? Take a dump, take a dump, take a dump dump dump!
What do you call oral sex in a national park? Old faceful!
What’s a prophylactic? A planned parent hood!
What’s the definition of trust? Two cannibals having oral sex!
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to screw it in, and three to discuss how it’s so much more gratifying than with a man!
The internet has become famous for anonymous facts claiming to be true as well and out-and-out fake news and scams of all kinds. Here are ten facts that are surprising and amazingly TRUE.
More tickets were sold to see the movie Gone With the Wind in theaters than people living in America at its release.
John Lennon signed the official paperwork formalizing the split of the Beatles while staying at a Disney World hotel.
Yoda from the movie Star Wars, cookie monster from Sesame Street, and Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show were all voiced by the same person.
The leading role in the movie Forrest Gump was originally offered to John Travolta.
Leonardo DiCaprio didn’t draw the sketch of Kate Winslet in Titanic, but director James Cameron did.
Gene Roddenberry originally wanted Patrick Stewart to wear a wig for his iconic Star Trek role as Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
Stephen Spielberg submitted Schindler’s List as his final project for film school.
Brad Pitt’s first acting gig was dressing up as a giant chicken.
The NFL, NBA, and MLB have all had one player win the championship MVP while playing for the losing team.
Violet Jessop was the one passenger who was aboard both the Titanic and its sister ship the Britannic when they were sunk.
As the title suggests here are a few humorous stories and one gratuitous limerick. They’re all pearls of wisdom and I hope they help make you a little wiser. Here goes . . .
Once Yogi Berra, in his younger days, was in a batting slump. The manager felt this was because he was swinging at too many bad pitches. He therefore called Yogi to one side during a slow day in the schedule and gave him an intensive course in judging incoming baseball to determine whether they were outside the strike zone. Yogi’s batting promptly grew even worse, he said “It’s this judging of balls. I just can’t hit and think at the same time.”
And here’s a limerick for all of you aficionados:
To moralists, sex is a sin
Yet Nature suggests we begin.
She arranged it, no doubt,
That a fellow juts out
In the place where a damsel juts in.
🤣🤣🤣
A friend of mine was on a plane. It had achieved a high and steady flight and was set on autopilot. The pilot stretched, yawned, and said, “What I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job. “What the pilot didn’t know was that the public address system was still on, and his words were heard throughout the plane. A stewardess hurriedly ran forward to the cockpit to tell the pilot to shut off the PA system before he committed any further indiscretions. As she ran by, an elderly female passenger yelled out, “Don’t forget, honey. He wants coffee, too.”
Julius Caesar was once asked what kind of death was the best. He gave the best conceivable answer, for he said, “A sudden one.” Unfortunately for Caesar he was assassinated the next day – suddenly.
An irate woman once told Winston Churchill, when he was a young man and temporarily sporting a small mustache, “Young man, I like neither your politics nor your mustache.” To which Churchill replied, “Madam, you are not likely to come into contact with either.”
Since we’re celebrating “Hump Day”, here are a few truly twisted limericks to test your reading skills. Pick any one of these three and try to read it as fast as possible without tying your tongue in a knot. Doing that is probably just as difficult as it was for me trying to type these damn things. Have fun with it.
😉😉😉
Two witchy witches in a Wichita ditch,
One witch with a twitch caused the witches to switch,
The spell they were under,
Caused people to wonder,
Which Wichita witch switched was which?
😤😤😤
Frankly, Frank Fankley felt cranky,
Inside Frank Fankley’s frank was Hank’s hanky.
Hank’s hanky Frank got,
Filled with Hank’s hanky snot,
“It ain’t frankly swanky,” said Fankley, “NO THANK-Y!”
I’m a bit of a tech junkie and joined the computer revolution with full time internet in 1995. I love gadgets and computers and have spent a great deal of money attempting to keep up with tech companies and their constant upgrades. I started out with Windows 2.01, and it was all downhill from there. Every time I thought I was up-to-date Microsoft would introduce a new operating system that wasn’t quite compatible with all of my expensive software products. It’s been a vicious cycle for more than 25 years. Thanks a lot Microsoft for giving me day-long headaches when dealing with your manuals and Customer Service experts. Every time an upgrade was announced I lost a little more respect for those companies who didn’t seem to give a good shit about their consumers. But as with every retail company the users are ignored, the money is collected, and the BS continues to this day. Let me be a little disrespectful to all of those billionaire nerds and their sucky attitudes. Let’s start at the beginning . . .
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” Thomas Watson, chairman of the board, IBM, 1943
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” Popular mechanics, 1949
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” An engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corporation, 1972
“640K ought to be enough computer memory for anybody”. Bill Gates, Microsoft founder, 1981
“$100 million is way too much to pay for Microsoft.” Unidentified IBM executive, 1982
And these are the people and companies that have been making billions of dollars at our expense. It just goes to show, you needn’t be too smart to befuddle the citizenry in this country or any other.
Strange but true stories have always fascinated me. Some people call them coincidences and others call them serendipitous or synchronicity, but who really knows for sure. I certainly don’t. I’ve had a few weird things happen to me over the years which gave me pause since I’m really not a believer of things supernatural or coincidental. So, I thought I’d share three such stories that I stumbled upon a few years ago in a book entitled The Book of the Bizarre and I hope you enjoy them.
According to the Detroit Free Press, in February of 2007, in the Paw Paw Township of Michigan, two brothers were killed in a head-on collision with each other. The brothers, ages 24 and 33, shared a home. The elder brother lost control of his vehicle and crossed into the path of his brother’s oncoming car. They were both pronounced dead at the scene.
” Coincidence is Gods Way of Remaining Anonymous.” Albert Einstein
This second story also concerns a double fatality, but one taken to a whole new level.
In Germany in the late 1970’s, a story hit all the newspapers, television and radio stations – a story that contained one of the most tragic examples of synchronicity to date. A man was walking along a country road at night when a car struck him from behind and killed him. One year from the day he died, the man’s twin brother went for a walk at that same spot, in memory of his departed brother. As it turned out, the driver of the car that hit and killed the first man also had a twin brother. That twin brother decided to drive along that same road, in memory of his own departed brother. He hit and killed the second twin brother, re-creating a scene that has shocked everyone who has heard the story.
” In the magical universe there are no coincidences and there are no accidents.
Nothing happens unless someone wills it to happen.” William S. Burroughs
A man attempting to rob a convenience store in Cherry Hill, North Carolina, thwarted his own plans when he dropped the pistol he was brandishing. It hit the ground, went off, and the bullet stuck the robber in the foot.
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