No matter what day of the week or month of the year, there’s always time for some of Mr. Asimov’s finely crafted limericks. These will tend to be a bit more off-color than the ones I usually post so keep your kids and prudish spouses clear. This is a really good way to kick off your week. Here we go . . .
Breathed a tender young man from Australia,
“My darling, please let me unveilia,
And then, oh, my own,
If you’ll kindly lie prone,
I will endeavor, my sweet, to impalia.”
😄😄😄
Said a certain young girl of Madrid
Who kept her vagina well hid,
“For a lousy peseta,
I am no fornicata,
But I’ll spring for an adequate bid.”
😲😲😲
“Adultery,” said Joseph, “is nice”.
If once is all right, better twice.
This doubling of rations
Improves my sensations
For the plural of spouse, friend, is “spice.”
😎😎😎
At a nudist camp, sweet little Lillian
Was slated to lead the cotillion.
This made her so proud
That to shine in the crowd
She painted Her nipples vermilion.
😈😈😈
ENJOY YOUR WEEK
As most of you already know I am a lover of trivia. I’ve been collecting trivia and books on trivia for as long as I can remember. Most trivia are fun and interesting and humorous but not today. Today’s trivia is a little more scary than usual but trivia, nonetheless. I thought mixing it up a bit might catch your interest quicker than just another ‘trivial trivia list’. Let’s get started . . .
FOODS
- Peanut allergies afflict an estimated 4 million Americans and can be life-threatening. Almost half of annual emergency room visits and two thirds of deaths due to anaphylaxis are the result of peanut allergies.
- A medium fruit-and-yogurt smoothie at Dunkin’ Donuts contains four times as much sugar as a chocolate frosted cake donut.
- One in five office coffee mugs contains fecal bacteria and E. coli, which can cause diarrhea, food poisoning, and infections.
- Almost 99% of imported food is never inspected by the FDA or the USDA, two agencies responsible for protecting Americans from tainted products.
- Long a staple of the American diet and the US economy, corn is a high-carbohydrate, high-glycemic food that fattens up cattle and does the same to humans who consume it in excess.
DRUGS
- The United States has only 4% of the world’s population but consumes 65% of its supply of hard drugs.
- About 14 million Americans fit the criteria for alcoholism or alcohol abuse.
- Smoking causes acute myeloid leukemia, as well as cancer in other areas of the body, including the bladder, mouth, larynx, cervix, kidneys, lungs, esophagus, pancreas, and stomach.
- Among women, cigarette use correlates with level of education. Smoking estimates are highest for women without traditional high school diplomas and lowest for women with college degrees.
- Caffeine is more addictive than marijuana.
CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
- 10% of the U.S. states now spend as much money or more on corrections than on higher education.
- Misidentified eyewitness testimony was a factor in 77% of DNA exoneration cases, making it the leading cause of wrongful convictions in the United States. In 40% of the cases, cross-racial identification was a factor. Studies show that people are less likely to recognize faces of a different race, making race a factor in wrongful convictions.
- By law, all citizens must take a bath at least once a year in Kentucky.
I’ll be following up on this list within the next couple of weeks because I have an abundance of interesting trivia about just any topic you can think of. I promise to pass along as much as I can as soon as I can.
ENJOY YOUR MAYDAY WEEKEND
Today we’ll be introduced to what might be called something less than a romantic love poem. For those of you out there who worship at the steps of classical poetry, I apologize. I like my poetry a little more down to earth and accented with a bit of humor, be it erotic or rude, you decide. This was written some years ago, but it took a long time for me to actually decide to blog it. Anyone who knows me from that time will understand the fun of it, I hope.
❤PUPPY LOVE❤
First love is a thrill you never forget,
It sends a warmth through your heart.
Fifty years later the memory remains,
but the feelings have fallen apart.
How to recall those wonderful days,
when the freshness of things made you wish,
For the love a girl with beautiful hair,
in a field, all alone…
Do you smell fish?
I’ve decided to delve into a topic which most people try not to think about. That topic is war. The horrors that are raining down on the Ukraine population are more than terrible. It’s a little surprising to me that Russians would begin a war and immediately repeat many of the atrocities they suffered from in WW II on their former allies. The ironic twist is that the people of the Ukraine fought alongside the Russians in defense against the Germans. Putin is no military genius as we can plainly see but killing one’s former allies sends a scary message to their current allies. The Chinese must be a little nervous as well as some others. Don’t turn your back gentlemen, Putin is apparently losing his effing mind. I decided to dig into my endless supply of quotes from some of our favorite German and Russian leaders with their thoughts on war. They are a little scary as well.
“War is not merely a political act, but also a real political instrument, a continuation of political commerce, carrying out of the same by other means.” Karl von Clausewitz
“War is a part of a whole, that whole is politics.” Lenin
“War is sacred; it is instituted by God; it is one of the divine laws of the world; it upholds in men all the great and noble sentiments – honor, self-sacrifice, virtue and encourage. It is war alone that saves man from falling into the grossest materialism.” Hellmuth von Moltkey
“Wars are inevitable as long as society is divided into classes, so long as the exploitation of man by man exists.” Lenin
“War is a continuation of politics by every means.” Anonymous German Saying
“A great war leaves a country with three armies: an army of cripples, an army of mourners, and an army of thieves.” Anonymous German Saying
And finally, for those of us who served in Southeast Asia who heard this quote so many times.
“WAR IS HELL BUT PEACE TIME IS A MOTHEFUCKER”
Stupid Headline
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Stupid Bumper Sticker
Be Careful-90% of People are Caused by Accidents
Smart Quote
“Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens.”
Aldous Huxley 1959
Stupid Quote
“If you stay here much longer, you’ll be slitty eyed”
Prince Philip to British students in China
Rude Limerick
A hapless young fellow named Schmuck,
Considers himself out of luck.
Though he’s petted and wooed,
When he tries to get screwed,
He finds that virgins don’t give a fuck.
THE WEEKEND IS COMING
I’ve always wondered about certain things that’ve become part of the human experience. But why is the question. Why is the middle finger such a bad thing? Why is breaking a mirror bad luck? Why does anyone pay attention to such nonsense? I suppose that’s the main question for all of these superstitious types of things.
I’ve always been drawn to the number three for some reason, but I haven’t a clue as to why. I honestly could care less why, it’s just something I picked up as a kid and it’s still with me. Just like all these other things. One of them that really confuses me is the number “13”. What causes world famous, highly educated architects to build buildings worth millions of dollars but refuse to post a 13th floor. There really is a 13th floor but they choose to call it the 14th floor. How stupid is that? I decided to check out the number “13” and its history and here are a handful of odd and silly explanations. The number actually began as a good thing with some of the pagan religions but became a bad thing during the Middle Ages.
- Judas, the betrayer, made it 13 at the last supper.
- The Jews murmured 13 times against God during the exodus from Egypt.
- The 13th psalm concerns wickedness and corruption.
- The circumcision of Israel occurred in the 13th year.
- In a twelve-month period, there are 13 full moons, and a woman on a 28-day menstrual cycle will be “unclean” as stated by Leviticus, 13 times a year.
- There are 13 zodiac signs (Gemini is counted as two)
- The Christ child received the three Magi on the thirteenth day of his life.
- And there is also “triskaidekaphobia”.
I read all this ridiculousness (mostly religious claptrap) and just shake my head until occasionally when I’m put in a position where I need to make a decision between options. I look them over carefully, study them carefully, discuss them with trusted friends, and then I almost always choose the third one. I guess I’m as screwed-up as everyone else, but you need to know that I also step on sidewalk cracks and walk under ladders as often as I possibly can to convince myself that superstitions are just plain silly. But you should also know that if there’s a black cat nearby, I still tread carefully.
BE CAREFUL OUT THERE
I was watching Peacock Network last night and made the mistake of tuning in a show where Snoop Dog and three moron friends reviewed videos of stupid people, both criminal and criminally stupid. Between all of the F-Bombs and gratuitous crap about weed, I was bored to tears. So today I’ll give you my written version of that and nary an F-Bomb will be heard. Stream this Doggy boy!
DONT ASK
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver’s license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, “Crook, come forward.” Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
WRONG ALIBI
In Springfield, Mo. Vernon Wayne Richmond, 18, stood up in court to give the details of his crime as part of a plea bargain to cocaine possession. Richmond said he found cocaine, put it in his pocket, and then was arrested by police after a Wal-Mart guard detained him. Unfortunately, Richmond had misunderstood which of his cases the plea was for. Actually, the district attorney was prosecuting him for an earlier arrest for having cocaine in his car and was unaware of the Wal-Mart arrest.
LAY THAT PISTOL DOWN, BABE
In Annapolis, Md., during a celebration of Gregory Johnson’s 32nd birthday, his cousin Darwin Derwood Coates, 21, tucked a .22-caliber handgun into the waistband of his trousers and accidentally shot himself in the groin. As guests tried to assist Coates, Johnson relieved him of the gun and stuck it in the most convenient place he could find, which was the waistband of his own trousers. The gun fired again, striking Johnson in the buttocks. Both men were hospitalized.
TA! DA!
❤Slow Dance❤
Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain slapping the ground?
Ever followed a bird’s erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun as it fades into night?
Do you run through your day on the fly?
When you ask, “How are you?” Do you hear the reply?
When your day is done do you lie in your bed?
With the next hundred chores running through your head?
You’d better slow down don’t dance so fast.
Life is short and the music won’t last.
Ever told your child, we’ll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch and let a good friendship die?
Cause you never had time to call and say “Hi”
When you’re running so fast to get somewhere,
You miss all of the fun in getting there.
When you rush and worry all through your day,
It’s like an unopened gift that’s just thrown away.
Life isn’t a race. Do take it slower,
Listen to the music before the song’s over.
MORE TO COME
Most of you readers enjoy the limericks I post but even more seem to enjoy the limericks created by kids. Here are a few more selections for your amusement.
Violet McDonald – Age 11
Thr wnce ws a grl fr, SX
Who cdnt stp usin hr txt:
She ws gtin a bor,
I cud nt take no mor,
So I fd hr phn 2my dg Rx
😍😍😍
Celia McMaster – Age 12
A hungry old goat name Heather
Was tied up with an old piece of leather.
In a minute or two
She had chewed it right through,
And that was end of her tether!
🤪🤪🤪
David McDermott – Age 13
There is a young boxer named Walter,
Who comes from the island of Malta.
One day in the ring
He stepped on a spring,
And bounced all the way to Gibraltar.
😛😛😛
Brian Bell – Age 5
My brother’s name is Keith.
He hates to clean his teeth.
His dirty face
Is a real disgrace,
But he’s lovely underneath!
💩
I’ve always proclaimed my love for Sci-Fi. It’s been a consistent part of my life since I first watched my mother cover the walls of my bedroom with rocket ships and planets. Next came Sputnik and the space race began, and I was hooked. I read everything I could get my hands on that was sci-fi related and the first real book I devoured was Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. I found the book in a garbage can along the road as I was walking home from school one afternoon. My mind became instantly expanded in 1965 when the novel Dune was released. It was a complicated read for a young kid, but it was mind blowing as well. I read it two additional times with the book in one hand and a dictionary in the other. I wanted to understand it all.
In 1984 I was sent reeling when it was announced that a movie had been made. I loved the movie but as all movies do, they fall well short of the book. I saw that first movie a number of times over the years and still enjoy it to this day. That being said, I’ve read the entire five book series of Dune at least six times in the intervening years and it still blows my mind. Every time I reread it; I find things I missed before. As with J.R.R. Tolkien, J.K. Rowling, and Frank Herbert it staggers my imagination that they could sit down and write such epic works.
There was a TV series in 2000 but it gets no mention here. It sucked! I’ve recently began reading the original series again prompted by the release of the new movie. I’ve just finished The Children of Dune and I can’t wait to get started on the final two novels. I haven’t yet decided whether to see the new movie because I know in my heart it will disappoint me. Here are two quotes from the books I particularly liked. It’s this kind of writing that doesn’t translate well to a movie.
“The one-eyed view of our universe says you must not look far afield for problems. Such problems may never arrive. Instead, tend to the Wolf within your fences. The pacts ranging outside may not even exist.”
“Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.”
IF YOU GET A CHANCE, READ THE BOOK
everyuselessthing.com 