Archive for the ‘anal’ Tag
Using all of my past years of people watching as reference material I’ve come to the conclusion there must be one helluva lot of people in this world who are neat-freaks and germaphobes. There must be hundreds of thousands of us out there because we seem to be mentioned in every TV show and movie there is. Someone’s always mentioned as being "so anal" or “too anal”. It irritates me only because I’m one of them. I’m a certifiable neat-freak and proud of it and have been for years. I’m also reasonably sure that we neat-freaks aren’t nearly as crazy as those damn germaphobes.
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If you aren’t either a neat-freak or germaphobe you may become one after reading the following tidbits of information. More useless and somewhat disgusting information you probably don’t really want to know. Enjoy it anyway.
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Bottled water is rarely tested for purity. An Environmental Working Group study found that ten popular brands were riddled with chemicals and pollutants, some as high as regular tap water.
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About 99% of imported food is never inspected by the FDA or USDA, the two agencies responsible for protecting Americans from tainted products.
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One pound of peanut butter can contain up to 150 bug fragments and five rodent hairs.
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One in five coffee mugs contains fecal bacteria and E.coli, which can cause diarrhea, food poisoning, and infections.
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Vegetarians beware: many low-fat and non-fat yogurts and sweets contain gelatin, which is made from animal tendons, ligaments, and bones.
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Peaches, apples, nectarines, and strawberries are among the top six "dirtiest" foods, according to investigations by the Environmental Working Group. More than 90 percent of samples of these fruits tested positive for detectable pesticides, even after being rinsed or peeled.
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Red-colored grocery items like fruit punch and strawberry yogurt are often dyed with carmine, which is made from ground up cochineal beetles. For some, carmine can cause severe allergic reactions and even lead to anaphylactic shock.
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A diet high in processed meats like sausage, hot dogs, and luncheon meats increases the risk of pancreatic cancer. Chemical reactions that occur during the preparation of these meats yield carcinogens, which could be responsible for the association.
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The well know poison arsenic is approved by the FDA as an additive to poultry feed and given to at least 70 percent of chickens raised for consumption in the United States.
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A medium fruit-and-yogurt smoothie at Dunkin’ Donuts contains four times as much sugar as a chocolate frosted cake donut.
In 2008, a Nebraska policeman was awarded $40,000.00 after he sued Taco Bell/KFC restaurant that served his family food containing an employee’s urine and spit.
That’s about enough information for me. Ugh………. Gag me with a spoon.
This week begins the warm-up for one of my least favorite experiences I’ve been cursed with over the years. It’s a special gift passed on to me through the genes of my late parents and one I wish I could have refused. The secret word for today is COLONOSCOPY. I begin my preparations tomorrow for my seventh anal adventure and hopefully my last. Over the next few postings I’ll document as best I can within the limits of good taste the wonders of medical science I’m about to experience. Lucky you!
My introduction to colonoscopies began many, many, years ago in a galaxy far, far, away. After an annual checkup I was referred to a specialist for further exams and a possible bout with rectal and anal surgery for hemorrhoids and polyps. Trust me, it wasn’t as great as I’m making it sound. My very first meeting with the specialist lasted only ten minutes. I was given an armload of laxatives and and a large bottle of Citrate of Magnesia. I was handed a sheet of instructions on how to go about emptying my body of just about everything and a future date for my return visit was also confirmed. All of a sudden I found myself back on the street with a real desire to find out exactly what the hell a colonoscopy actually was. I needed to do some research quickly.
Two weeks later I seemed twenty pounds lighter after spending 48 hours within running distance of the nearest bathroom. It was a humbling experience as I did everything possible to expel my entire insides down the drain. I arrived at the doctor’s office and checked in at the desk trying not to make eye contact with anyone. It was a lot like going to a fertilization specialist to ejaculate into a plastic cup or buying tampons at Rite-Aid for my better-half. Totally embarrassing.
I was led into an examination room wearing one of those backless paper gowns with my butt sticking out. I was laid face down on the table which was then elevated high enough to put my head near the floor and my ass in the air. If that wasn’t humiliating enough there was a knock on the door and in marched ten student nurses who were permitted one at a time to take a peek at my butt, inside and out. They oooed and awwed as they passed by, took a few notes and marched from the room. Here’s a reminder for you. Never schedule a rectal exam at a teaching hospital. You’ve been warned.
Another twenty minutes passed by and my adventure began in earnest when a probe on the end of a cable with a flashlight, torch, and camera were slowly inserted further and further into my backside. They lightly drugged me and I was able to look up my own ass on a nearby television screen. It looked like a gigantic pink Holland Tunnel without the cars. I then fell asleep and awoke twenty minutes later feeling rather odd. My wife picked me up after I recovered a bit and took me home where I was able to get a few hours of drug induced sleep. It wasn’t much fun but unfortunately for me it was necessary. My surgery was successful and I received my second colonoscopy just two months later. The doctor apparently wanted to go back in to check his work. I just love thorough doctors.
Fifteen years later my family doctor gave me more bad news during my annual visit. Because of two colon surgeries on my late mother for cancerous polyps he felt I needed to be checked again. Colonoscopy number three came and went and I breathed another sign of relief. I was good to go for a while I thought.
Within a few years my mother had another cancerous piece of her colon removed and that triggered regularly scheduled colonoscopies for me for the foreseeable future. It’s now 2015 and I’m ready for number seven. The technology has improved dramatically over the years and the drugs are much better. Getting colonoscopies stopped bothering me years ago because the alternative is too ugly to think about. Over the years I’ve had upwards of ten to twelve very small polyps burned from my colon and fortunately none were cancerous. I plan on living a long and full life and these god awful procedures make that possible. No matter what anyone tells you, fear is an excellent motivator.
More to follow.
I’d like to welcome you to the planet Mars, since I’m told that’s where men are from. This must be Mars and I’ll tell you why. As part of my never ending search for information to assist me in understanding the female animal I stumbled into the incredibly confusing world of women’s sexual fantasies. To say I was surprised at what I found would be an understatement. It seems that almost everyone has their opinions of what those fantasies are and aren’t shy about putting them out there.
I’m going to show you two top ten lists that claim to have the inside scoop on what women fantasize about. Both I suspect were written by men and they seem a little too good to be true. Here’s list number one:
1. Private Dancer (Striptease)
2. Exhibitionism
3. Force Fantasies
4. Voyeurism
5. Threesome With Two Men
6. Threesome With Another Woman
7. Sex With A Stranger
8. Teacher/Student (Spanking)
9. Domination (You Dominating Her)
10.Domination (Her Dominating You)
Now you understand why I thought I was on Mars. These sound all too familiar to what a list of men’s fantasies would be. I’ve dated a lot of women over the years and been involved in a few serious relationships but never was I made privy to the things on this list. I’ll admit I was made aware of a few of these items but no single women ever claimed ownership of them all. Some of those women were borderline crazy (in a good way) but at best they only rang the bell on six of these items. Now lets look at the second list.
1. Oh my virgin ears (Rape Fantasy)
2. Strap me on, I’m going in (Strap-on Penis)
3. Three-way w/Two Men.
4. Leave a Good Tip (Stripper)
5. I taw, I taw a putty tat (Sex w/woman and a Man Watching)
6. Being Sexually Dominated
7. Lay Me Out on Display (Exhibitionism)
8. Who’s Your Daddy? (Domination of a Man)
9. The More the Merrier (Group Sex)
10.Sex With a Stranger
This is very similar to the first list but in a slightly different order of importance. I’d like any of you women out there to confirm for me that this is even close to the truth. I’ve hoped and prayed that I’d find a women with a list like this my whole life. If most women feel this way then I may have just discovered how little I really knew for all these years. I could become clinically depressed and be forced into therapy if this is all true. Finding out that most women had better fantasies than I did would be devastating.
I’m going to stop writing now because I can feel the depression coming on.
everyuselessthing.com 