Archive for the ‘blood tests’ Tag
For me these last four years have consisted of constant doctor visits, nurses, oncologists, chemotherapy, scans, MRI’s, Cat-Scans, multiple blood tests and surgeries. It’s still causes me to break out in a cold sweat anytime I drive by a hospital or hear an ambulance go by. Even a hospital janitor in a white coat freaks me out a little. My blood pressure soars a minimum of thirty points just by walking into their offices and it takes another 20 minutes for it to lower itself to acceptable limits. With all of that in mind here is my contribution of “one-liners” for all of those outstanding yet truly annoying medical professionals.
- “Doctor, I’m sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly.” Then try not to get two down.
- “Doctor, the whole worlds ganging up on me.” “Hold on a minute. Hey lads, he’s in here!”
- “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to “X”. “I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.”
- This guy went to his doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his ass. “Ah yes,” said his doctor. “Thats just the tip of the iceberg.”
- “Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home.” “That sounds a lot like the Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is that common doc?” “It’s not unusual.”
- “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a German vodka.” “Well, Schnapps out of it.”
- My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right. I feel ten years older already.
- So, I went to the doctors to ask if he had anything for excessive wind. He gave me a kite.
- A guy goes into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only clingy short shorts. The shrink said, “I can clearly see your nuts.”
- A man went to see an eye doctor. The receptionist asked him what was wrong. He said, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.” She said, “Have you seen a doctor?” He said, “No, just spots.”
💉🩺💉
DROP YOUR PANTS DUMB ASS
Today’s post will be short and sweet. I was drawn back into the arms of medical community this week with blood work and a CT scan. I sure haven’t missed that hospital, that’s for certain. I pissed away my entire day today being passed from one room to another and poked and prodded by a new group of strangers.
This was the beginning of my last (hopefully) quarterly scan. If the cancer remains in remission, I’ll be looking forward to a twelve-month period of being doctor-free as well. Next week’s two visits will tell the tale. The Oncology department will be tearing apart the results of these tests to give me a final determination on the cancer. I’m keeping my fingers crossed as you can imagine. Here’s two appropriate medical limericks to end this lovely effing day.
There was an eccentric old boffin
Who observed, in a fierce fit of coughing:
“It isn’t the cough
That carries you off –
It’s the coffin they carry you off in!”
🍩🍆🍩🍆🍩
An unfortunate fellow named Lestyn
Has fifty-five feet of intestine.
Though a huge success
In the medical press,
It isn’t much good for digesting.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
I have a few least favorite things but two in particular. First, I hate having my teeth drilled. The sound and smell of teeth drilling makes me cringe because it’s been done all to often over the years. Second, I hate doctors, nurses and hospitals. I do realize they’re a necessary evil but I hate them none the less.
My late mother was never a well person. Through all of her illnesses and surgeries there paraded scores of doctors who spent more time spending her money than fixing her problems. Each specialist prescribed different medicines and drugs with little or no thought to the many others doing the same damn thing. They almost killed her a couple of times with their constant insistence that the next drug was the one that would fix everything. She trusted them with her life but I will not.
I’m ranting about doctors because I spent yesterday afternoon being manhandled by the new and improved healthcare system. Obamacare cost me my doctor of fifteen years when he threw up his hands last year, sold his practice, and left the country. I really wish I could have gone with him.
I arrived yesterday to go through an annoying series of blood tests which are required every time I turn around. I arrived early being the obedience dumb ass that I am and then sat for forty minutes while I waited for a computer person to enter my name into a freaking computer. Big surprise, they had no record of my blood test request or my upcoming doctors appointment. My obedient behavior became a thing of the past as I intimidated everyone involved to pull their heads out of their collective asses and get their act together. After another half hour I was advised that my doctors appointment I thought was scheduled for next week had been changed. Oops, no one sent me an email or letter telling me that. After much bitching and complaining on my part they agreed to fast-track my blood work to have it ready for my newly scheduled appointment tomorrow at 10am.
I had a surly and annoying young lady stick me and remove a number of tubes of my beautiful red blood. She was in quite the mood about something but decided to be an asshole toward me. Little did she know that I was once married for a very long time and that my-ex wife made her look like an freaking amateur when it came to pissing me off.
It’s now tomorrow and I’ve just returned from my annual doctors appointment All my numbers were perfect but he insisted on giving me the old one fingered prostate exam while a female assistant looked on. She was hot enough to be one of my hundreds of sexual fantasies but not after today. That ship has sailed. He then announced that he had an early Christmas gift for me this year. He’ll be scheduling me for my fifth colonoscopy in the last 9 years. My ass seemed to be very popular today for some reason.
Just to reiterate, I hate effing doctors, Medicare, Obamacare and Obama as well.
This has been one helluva week. One more fact that will help you understand what I mean by that statement is I hate doctors, hospitals, blood tests, and personal examinations. I can put up with a nurse every once in while but only as potential dating material. If past history tells me anything it’s stay away from nurses. The last nurse I dated (SLEPT WITH) had a tank of nitrous oxide next to her bed and spent every other stroke huffing on it with a face mask.
This week began with my blood tests. Normally it’s just one tube of blood used to check whatever. Because of Obamacare my doctor of ten years has given up his practice and now I’m once again "fresh meat" for the "new guy". He needs four tubes of blood so he knows where I’m coming from. That’s his statement not mine. My previous doctor had a lab as part of his practice where I could easily get blood drawn but not this "new guy". I was forced to get out of bed much earlier than I like, drive forty minutes to the hospital, to stand in line behind thirty other idiots. I felt like a freaking day laborer. A young lady called me into her room, sat me down, stuck me in the arm, sucked out the blood, and walked away shouting "Next!" at the top her lungs. Nothing like personal service.
Four days later I returned to the doctors office for my annual physical. The "new guy" arrived forty minutes late as I sat in this telephone booth sized room in my hospital gown freezing my nuts off. He looks about twenty-five years old and he’s from Peru. His accent was minimal, thank God, and I could understand almost everything he had to say. One handshake and he opens his laptop and begins to take notes. My computer file covers more than twelve years, two surgeries, and four colonoscopies but he has additional questions. I felt like I was on Jeopardy and I’m sure Alex Trebek would have been more fun.
He first tells me that prostate exams are for the most part unnecessary and then bends me over the table and shoves his ever so long latex covered finger right up my ass. No dinner, no chit chat, no wine, just "wham bang, thank you man". For such a little guy he has quite the large digits.
An hour later and we’re still doing paperwork so I can have another colonoscopy in December (MY FIRST XMAS GIFT) and an introduction to my new mandatory diet. I found out in short order that going forward I’m only permitted to eat rabbit food and drink black coffee. Read the labels he tells me, no fat, no calories, no dairy, no candy, no sugar, no soda, no flavored water, and no smoothies. The translation to that line of BS is I will never be permitted to eat anything that tastes good or even has flavor of any kind ever again.
A pat on the head, a "nice to meet ya"’ and he scampers away. A nurse hands me the date for my next appointment and I’m out the door and back on the street. That hour and a half probably will cost me upwards of $500.00 including the blood work up and a hundred of that will be out of pocket. Isn’t life just freaking wonderful?
Now I get to wait six more months for another hour of quality time with the "new guy" which will probably consist of stepping onto a scale to measure my weight loss. Really, can’t I just call it in? That would then only cost $495.00.
Shoot me now!
everyuselessthing.com 