Archive for the ‘h.l. mencken’ Tag

01-10-2014 Silly and Stupid Day   Leave a comment

I’m declaring today as Silly Day. As I’m feeling right now I have no interest in anything important. I don’t want to discuss the problems of our society, questions about the universe or the reason why my legs and butt cheeks hurt when I get up in the morning. None of that is least bit important today.

I have quite the collection of quotes and sayings and adages for every occasion but today Silly and Stupid reign supreme. The following tidbits address just about anything you’d like to think about and do so in a silly and stupid way. These tidbits have been obtained from all sorts of strange and wonderful sources from TV shows, philosophers, and even a comedian or two.

We all need to laugh once in a while.  Enjoy!

  • Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.  – Rita Mae Brown
  • A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.  – Sir Winston Churchill
  • Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.  – Anonymous
  • Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you’re William Hurt. – Phil Dunphy of Modern Family
  • Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.  – Carl Zwanzig
  • Home is heaven and orgies are vile but I like an orgy, once in a while. – Ogden Nash
  • A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.  – Jack Benny
  • I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.  – Fred Allen
  • Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.  – From the movie Naked
  • Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.  – Colin Sautar
  • Who says nothing is impossible.  I’ve been doing nothing for years.  – Anonymous
  • A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge.  – Robert Brault
  • I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.  – Anonymous
  • She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.  – Mae West
  • She was what we used to call a suicide blond – dyed by her own hand.  – Saul Bellow

  • After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.  – P.J. O’Rourke
  • I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.  – Elayne Boosler
  • If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.  – Song title by Jimmy Buffet
  • Man was predestined to have free will.  – Hal Lee Luyah
  • Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.  – Aldous Huxley
  • Murphy was an optimist.  – O’Toole’s Commentary
  • The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.  – Bill Watterson

  • You can’t have everything… where would you put it?  – Steven Wright
  • He’s turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.  Now he’s miserable and depressed.  – Harry Kalas
  • I plan on living forever.  So far, so good.  – Anonymous
  • Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.  – Anonymous
  • Love your enemies.  It makes them so damned mad.  – P.D. East
  • As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed.  Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.  – Robert Brault
  • I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants.  – Dave Beard
  • There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.  – Jerry Seinfeld
  • And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!”  – Anonymous
  • When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.  – Anonymous
  • A great name for a new country song:  If I’d Shot You Sooner, I’d Be Out of Jail by Now.  – Anonymous

    • A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.  – Fred Allen
    • Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.  – H.L. Mencken
    • A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.  – Anonymous
    • A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. – Anonymous
    • All generalizations are bad.  – R.H. Grenier
    • All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific.  – Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe
    • The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.  – Tom Waits
    • Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.  – Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

Did I lie? Silly and Stupid. I just felt like lightening matters up today because if I take a peek into the real world it depresses the hell out of me. Politics sickens me and listening to drug company commercials and the constant stream of advertisements on every bit of media almost every second of every day of every year for the rest of my effing life makes me want to scream out loud.

The weekend is coming, so let this steaming pile of minutia get you in the right frame of mind.

10-28-2013 More Useless Facts   4 comments

uselessinfo

I love the English language.  I jut wanted to put that out there to help readers understand this blog is not TWITTER.  Here at Every Useless Thing we need way more than 140 characters to make a point.  The Twitter language which has been developing for the youngest of the sound bite generations leaves me #effingcold.  If you’re a constant Twitter user then you’ve already begun to think in their terms as well as write that way.  Twitter is in too much of a hurry for me which results in a blog here that’s comfortable to read and comment on.  Relax, enjoy and don’t stress out trying to get all of your thoughts on a complex subject jammed into 140 characters. Let’s begin.

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One of the more interesting things for me in the language are palindromes. For those of you who don’t know, palindromes are words or phrases that spell the same forward and backward.  The palindromic words are cool but the phrases are mind boggling.

Two Words

Dump mud.

Party trap

Stack cats.

Short Phrases

Never odd or even.

Live not on evil.

Pa’s a sap.

Pull up, Bob, pull up.

Crazy Phrases

We panic in a pew.

Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.

Did Mom poop? Mom did.

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I’ve always been a big fan of Harry S. Truman.  A down-to-earth president who had the unique ability to cut right threw the normal political BS and get to the point.  Reporters in those days must have loved covering him.  Here’s one of my favorite Truman quotes:

“Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day”

Another of my favorites was H. L. Mencken.  I’m especially awed by anyone who can become so famous that his words and phrases are quoted endlessly by millions of people.  He was something I’ve aspired to be my whole life.  A genuine “wise ass”.  Here’s a few of his more interesting thoughts:

“Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.”

A statement more true now than ever before in our history.  Here’s another:

“A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.”

I’ve been called a cynic by some and I wear that as a badge of honor. Without we cynics everyone would be an idealist.  Mencken had a thought about them as well.

“An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.”

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Here’s an interesting Star Wars factoid.  The name of R2-D2 came about while George Lucas was filming American Graffiti. During a sound-mixing session, editor Walter Murch asked him for R2, D2 (Reel 2, Dialogue 2) of the film. Lucas liked the name so much  that he made a note of it, and eventually found the right character for it.

* * *

What famous Hollywood comedian said the following": “I learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs.  The most important thing I learned was: Never let go of the girl’s leg no matter how hard she tries to shake you off.

nitraM evetS

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That’s enough of this mind numbing useless crap for today.  There’s much more to come in the future and I’m sure you’re thrilled to death knowing that. Over and out from a cynical wiseass.