“Come the right moment, a pawn can bring you victory.”
Ho Chi Minh
😁😁😁
Joke of the Day #1
Mary was married and had 13 children and unfortunately her husband suddenly died. Soon she married again and had 7 more children. Unbelievably her second husband also died. Once again, she remarried for the third time and had 5 more children. Alas poor exhausted Mary finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “go forth and multiply.” In his eulogy the preacher said, “Lord they’re finally together.” Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The neighbor replied, “I think he means her legs.”
☘️☘️☘️
❤️Limerick of the Day
A young baseball fan named Ms. Glend
Was the home team’s best rooter and friend,
But for her the big league
Never held the intrigue
Of a bat with two balls at the end.
😂😂😂
Joke of the Day #2
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother’s side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather’s death, her grandmother explained, “He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was just asking for trouble. “Oh, no,” her grandmother replied, “We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with church bells – in with the dings and out with the dongs.” She paused and gently wiped away a tear. “If it hadn’t been for that ice cream truck speeding by, he’d still be alive.”
An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the entire two weeks?” The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father. “Congratulations and welcome to the church!” said the priest. The priest then went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?” The middle-aged man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.” “Congratulations and welcome to the church,” said the priest. The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks”? “No Father, we weren’t able to go without sex for the full two weeks,” the young man replied sadly. “What happened?” inquired the priest. “My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,” said the young man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.” “You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcomed in our church,” stated the priest. “We know, “said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.”
Limerick of the Day
A young mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball.
The cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Is his phone number – give him a call!
Wisdom for the Day
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
“The meaning of good and bad . . . is simply helping or hurting.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
😁😁😁
Joke of the Day
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: Man: “What’s up with the jar?” Bartender: “Well you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, then you get all of the money.” Man: “What are the three tests?” Bartender: “Pay first. Those are the rules.” So, the guy gives him the $10 and the bartender adds it to the jar. Bartender: “Okay, here’s what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole fifth of pepper tequila – the WHOLE thing all at once. Second, there’s a pit-bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Thirdly, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You’ve got to make things right for her too.” Man: “Well, I know I’ve paid my ten bucks I’m not an idiot. I won’t do it. You’d have to be nuts to drink a fifth of tequila and then get crazier from there.” Bartender: “Okay. But your money stays in the jar.” Well, as the night goes on and the man drinks a few more, he asks: “Wherez zat teeqeela”? He grabs the tequila with both hands and downs it with one big slurp, tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside the bar here a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps, and growling, then eventual silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. “NOW,” he says, “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?
🍀🍀🍀
Limerick of the Day
For sculpture that’s really first-class,
You need form, composition and mass.
To do a good Venus,
Just leave off the penis,
And concentrate more on the ass!
😂😂😂
Joke of the Day #2
A rather stupid young girl called up her druggist and ask him what she could do to help her boyfriend with his terrible dandruff problem. The druggist recommended Head & Shoulders. A week later the young lady called the druggist in a panic and asked, “How do you give someone shoulders”?
😔😔😔
EXPERIENCE ENABLES YOU TO RECOGNIZE A MISTAKE WHEN YOU MAKE IT AGAIN
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” “Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times”, she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, “Go home and take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it all.” “Will this truly cleanse my soul of all my sins?” “No,” the priest says, “but it’ll wipe that shit-eating grin off your face!”
😇😇😇
Limerick of the Day
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his Madam,
So loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls – and he had ’em.
😎😎😎
Joke of the Day #2
A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.” His wife asks, “How can I do it without surgery?” The husband tells her, “Just rub toilet paper between them.” Startled the lady asks, “How can that possibly make them bigger?” He smiled and said, “I don’t really know, but it worked really well for your ass.”
Two women friends had gone out for a girl’s night out and had been decidedly overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a very expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin them but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a nearby wreath on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman’s husband called the other husband and said, “These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties”. “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station; we’ll never forget you!'”
😳😳😳
Limerick of the Day
Said Miss Farrow, on one of her larks,
“Sex is more fun in bed than in parks.
You feel more at ease,
Your ass doesn’t freeze,
And passers-by don’t make remarks.”
😉😉😉
WOKE Joke of the Day
Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A trans-sister.
Comment: WOKE folks are the real jokes.
😵💫😵💫😵💫
THE MOST WONDERFUL INSPIRATIONS DIE WITH THEIR SUBJECT
“The joints of thy thighs are the jewel, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.”
The Song of Solomon (7:1, King James Version)
😜😜😜
Joke of the Day #1
Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, “My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.” A second guy says, “What’s that?” The first guy says, “That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.” Another one says, “My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.” A girl sitting nearby asks, “What’s that?” He says, “That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.” A lady speaks up and says, “That’s nice enough but my name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.” Larry says, “A WIFE? What’s a WIFE?” She says, “That means, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #2
A guy walks into a bar in sees a sign that reads . . .
HAMBURGERS $1.
CHEESEBURGER $2.
HAND JOB $3.
He immediately spots the attractive large breasted blonde behind the counter. “Can I help you?” She asks with a smile.“I was wondering,” whispered the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Why yes I am,” she purrs, “Well if you don’t mind, please wash your hands, I really want a cheeseburger.
😇😇😇
Limerick of the Day
A girl named Alice, in Dallas,
Had never felt of a phallus.
She remained virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas would fit Alice.
😳😳😳
BETTER A FRIENDLY REFUSAL THAN AN UNWILLING ACCOMPLICE
“Women complain about sex more often than men. Their gripes
fall into two major categories: (1) Not enough, (2) Too much.”
Ann Landers 1968
Joke of the Day
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh, my God, hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” “I can’t jump out of the window. It’s raining out there!” “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” She replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!” So, the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the other runners, about 300 of them. Being naked with his clothes under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could, but after a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity jogged a bit closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked. “Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air. “It feels so wonderfully free!” Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?” “Oh, yes,” our friend answered thinking quickly.” That way I can get dressed right of the end of the race and get in my car to go home!” Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?” “Nope . . . only when it’s raining.”
Limerick of the Day
There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she’d a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view.
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he’d lain.
Daily Wisdom
Q. What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. You push them both aside and keep on eating.
An Anonymous Non-PETA Contributor
&
“The right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing.”
I have always been proud of my sense of humor, and I look for that trait in people I associate with. It was always one of the first things I looked for when dating as well and it never failed me. I think in the future this blog will contain much more humor meaning of course a bit of “off color” funniness. Humor that isn’t tweaked by double entendres is “boring funny” and I find that totally unacceptable. I fully intend to load this blog with non-boring humor as often as possible starting today. Here goes nothing . . .
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks into his shirt pocket and then asks for second beer. After drinking that one he again looks in his shirt pocket and asks for a third beer. This happens about seven more times before the bartender finally asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?” “The man replies, I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts looking good enough, I’ll be heading on home.”
Little Johnny is walking past his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out loudly, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket next to her. “Hello, sir,” she said. “Do you like movies?” “Yes, I do, “he responded, then returned to his book. Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?” The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Goldie asked, “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man thought for moment and replied, “How did you know my name was Katz.?”
While many of my postings contain humor, I also feel required to add a few additional lines of beautiful poetry better known as a limerick. I always prefer ones that are a bit off-color whenever possible.
Let’s start this post with a statement of obvious fact:
“Organic gardening is a lot of shit.”
Now we can move on to some humor for all of you card playing fanatics out there:
Mr. Jones had come home from a hard day of work and was appalled when his wife reminded him that they had arranged to visit a friend’s house for dinner and bridge. “I’m too tired to budge”, he protested. “It can’t be helped”, said Mrs. Jones, her eyes turning dangerous. So, Jones was forced to shower, change clothes, and drag himself off to the friend’s house. In the bridge game he was paired off with the hostess and then proceeded to play one lousy game after another, so that he and the hostess lost steadily. Finally, he got up and muttered, “I’ve got to go to the bathroom.” He didn’t bother to close the door of the bathroom, and the sound of water trickling into water was clear and distinct. Mrs. Jones, totally embarrassed said, “Please excuse my husband. He’s had a very hard day.” The hostess then said, “No need for excuses. I don’t mind. This is the first moment since we started playing bridge tonight that I knew what he had in his hand.”
Since I love history, here is an interesting backstory I thought I’d share with you:
George IV of Great Britain hated his wife with growing intensity, and she returned it with interest. There were prolonged and rather disgusting divorce proceedings between them, and the entire British nation took an emotional part in it. When Napoleon died at St. Helena in 1821, the news was immediately brought to George IV’s attention. “Our greatest enemy is dead”, he was told. “Oh, is she?”, smiled George.
And of course, here is the expected and gratuitous limerick:
I met a lewd nude in Bermuda,
Who thought she was shrewd, but I was shrewder.
She thought it quite crude
To be wooed in the nude.
I was cruder, pursued her, and eventually screwed’er
I tend to look for publications containing limericks and I like them funny, silly, bawdy, and outright outrageous. Many of my readers constantly complain that my selections are too tame. They want lots of sexual content and even go so far as to complain about my selections of children’s limericks. I enjoy posting the more innocent lyrics from kids with the hope they will someday grow up and write some truly memorable and bawdy poetry. Someone has to assist the next generation in their endeavors, and I have gladly volunteered. Here are a few you can sample . . .
