Archive for the ‘mailbox’ Tag
Have you ever had something piss you off so bad you felt a sharp, stabbing pain behind your eyes. If you have then the following list will be perfect for you. I love reading lists and I also love writing them from time to time. Over the last few years I’ve experienced almost 60% of the things listed below and it seems to be getting worse each year instead of improving. The pandemic has done nothing to stop these annoyances, it has possibly increased them.
- The person who insists on explaining at length something I have absolutely no interest in.
- People who snore the paint right off the walls and then deny ever snoring.
- People who love to talk over me during a conversation make me want to scream.
- Waiting in my car at the ATM for 15 minutes for some moron on a bicycle making a deposit.
- The guy in the next men’s room stall at Walmart who opens a stolen package of underwear, puts them on, and leaves his old pair on the floor when he departs.
- The attractive woman driving the gorgeous new Lexus who rolls down her window and spits a huge oyster into the passing lane.
- People who will stand quietly in line at a movie theater but can’t shut the hell up once the movie starts.
- Screaming out-of-control children in public places with parents shopping elsewhere.
- The woman chatting on her cell phone as she smashed into my left front fender.
- Loud and obnoxious beer drinking morons at any sporting event.
- People who are “close talkers” with chronic “stench breath” who won’t stop talking to me.
- Finding short and curly hairs in my restaurant food.
- Waiting endlessly in a register line for a customer to be trained in the use of their own debit card by the cashier.
- People who loudly bitch and moan about their meals and the service at a restaurant.
- City workers who insist on destroying my mailbox every year with a 10 ton snowplow.
I feel much better now that I’ve gotten all of those off my chest. It’s a very cathartic experience to say the least. I wrote these items in less than 15 minutes and I’m afraid if I took a bit more time the list would’ve doubled.
HAVE A GREAT UNANNOYING PANDEMIC DAY
It’s the dream of every American to own their own home. Owning a home has always been an important symbol of a person’s independence and financial stability. In these somewhat precarious times home ownership has become something much different. It’s a new pandemic economy.
That being said it’s still better to own a home than to rent. I’ve owned a number of homes over the years and not only were they a financial plus, I just really enjoyed maintaining them and improving them. I’ve always taken a lot of pride in any home that I’ve owned and that’s why I’m so particular about what I allow on my property.
I’ve had good neighbors, bad neighbors, and neighbors who I’ve desperately tried to forget. My father always told me that “good fences make for good neighbors”, and it’s still true to this day. I’m a firm believer in maintaining minimal contact with neighbors except in cases of emergency where they may need help or assistance. I’m a big proponent of the Neighborhood Watch concept which accomplishes important tasks for the protection of the neighborhood and its children. It’s only when you begin to socialize with your neighbors that trouble is sure to begin. Being my neighbor doesn’t make you my best friend, only an accidental acquaintance brought about by my purchase of my home.
So with some humor and a little seriousness here’s my list of ten things I never want to find in my yard. This list has been compiled over the years and includes information about past and present neighbors.
- Phony and disturbing faux-sculptures made by neighbors from a collection of junk.
There’s nothing like waking up every morning to a large pile of lamely connected garbage which has been anointed as “fine art” by my neighbor. Where’s that stick of dynamite when you need it?
- Dogs and their ever-present droppings.
What’s better than taking a walk around your yard after a summer rain and stepping into a pile deposited by the neighbors dog. Don’t you just love the smell of “dog shit” in the morning.
Finding these early on Sunday mornings mean empty beer cans somewhere nearby.
- Salesman and their line of BS.
Invest in a mean and nasty dog or a really fine looking “NO SOLICITING SIGN“.
- Jehovah’s Witnesses, your attitude and literature.
This is a particular favorite of mine. I love inviting them in for some bad language and inappropriate stories.
- Mother Nature’s Little Friends.
Feeding birds and squirrels are one thing but all of the deer, skunks, and other garden eating critters place their lives at risk by entering my garden.
- Nosey neighbors and their endless curiosity.
This is when a fence would come in handy.
- Mailbox crushing snow plows.
This has cost me four mailboxes in six years and the town takes no responsibility. This is called “Government doing it to the people”.
- In-laws and other unfriendly family members.
Keep the bed hard, the food bad, and always be short of beer and liquor.
- Outlaws and other criminal types.
Buy a gun or two and lots of ammo. Once you enter my home uninvited it becomes what us former military men call “a free fire zone”. Don’t even think about it.
* * *
I’ve had a menagerie of neighbors over the years and could tell you stories you wouldn’t believe. I’ve had some I’ve liked, some I have loved (literally and figuratively), some that I’ve hated, and many others I’ve never gotten to know at all. Overall I was always considered by most of them to be a better-than-average neighbor.
JUST FOLLOW THE RULES
I went to bed last night with expectations of a light snow fall and awoke this morning with almost five inches of the white stuff clogging my driveway. And a special thanks goes out to the Saco snowplow driver for missing my mailbox and then filling my driveway with eight inches of snow. So instead of a quiet morning lounging in bed I was forced to brave the cold and snow to clear the damn driveway. How could my better-half possibly survive if she couldn’t get out to shop sometime today?
This was my morning wake up call.
The snow made for interesting pictures as it stuck to each and every tree branch we could see. I snapped a few photos with my point-and-shoot camera but by the time I got around to getting my Nikon ready the snow was already dropping from the trees. Here are a few substandard pics to give you some idea of what I’m talking about.
The rest of the day was spent running errands and generally just screwing around. She enjoyed her day off and I enjoyed getting out of the house for a while. More snow in the forecast for the weekend so we’ve got to enjoy the time out when we can.
I’m sorry for the short post but other responsibilities need tending to. More to follow soon.
The snow has finally stopped with the final amount totaling close to 17 inches. My back, legs, and arms were telling me it was more like 100 inches but what do they know. I rolled out of bed early this morning and knew in my heart the driveway wasn’t finished with me yet. I didn’t realize just how right I was.
As a last gift from our town’s snow plow I found the bottom of my driveway completely blocked from their last visit sometime during the night. This is an annual bitch of mine that I need to tell someone about but believe me, no ones listening. I grabbed my shovel and out into the cold I went once again.
Let me set the scene for you. I’m standing at the end of my driveway with wet feet and sore limbs after shoveling for at least a half hour to clear the mess. I finally finished (or so I thought) and I looked up the road and what did I see but the towns frigging snow plow heading my way. I swear that damn driver was grinning as he reloaded my driveway with a ton of now slushy and dirty snow. He should thank whatever God he believes in that I wasn’t armed. I start shoveling again and still grumbling about it when ten minutes later I hear the plow making it’s return trip going in the other direction. The snow had stopped, the road was empty of traffic, it was just me and the snowplow, and the towns incompetent driver.
I was standing directly across the road from my (new this year) mailbox when the plow swooped through, hit my mailbox, spinning it completely around, and left the door hanging by a thread. This is the third effing mailbox in the last five years that I’ll be forced to replace. As I’m sure you know, I was no longer smiling. That was how my day started.
I finished the shoveling and decided I needed to get the hell out of the house for a few hours. I was suffering from a mild case of cabin-fever. I ran a few errands, bought a few books, and took a few photographs. My blood pressure finally returned to normal and the day once again became calmer and more enjoyable.
Upon the return of my better-half from work I was made aware that we would be meeting some friends a a local restaurant later in the day for a few drinks and appetizers. I actually was looking forward to that so after a quick hour on the X-Box, I showered, shaved, dressed, and was ready to go.
We met up with our friends, had a few drinks, and got caught up the latest gossip and had a great time. Being the law abiding citizen that I am I stopped after three glasses of wine and went to drinking coffee. It turned out to be my best move of the night.
As we headed home the night was clear and cold and we were chatting a little. Just a few minutes from our house all of a sudden two white tailed deer jumped from an embankment on our right landing directly in front of us. Lucky for us and them I was driving slowly enough to get stopped and to let them pass. Even so that still got the old heart racing for a few minutes.
I pull into our driveway and I could see that the town’s garbage men finally emptied our trash container. As I walked down the driveway to retrieve it I noticed how icy it had become. I yelled out to my better-half to be careful and as I did I slipped and fell on my ass and twisted my already damaged knee It was a little stiff last night but right now as I’m lying in bed writing this, it hurts too much to get up. Looks like a few more weeks of hobbling around until it heals again. I’m never all that surprised by my clumsiness but it’s getting really tiresome. I guess I can celebrate my first fall for 2012 and look forward to the first one that’s sure to come in 2013.
everyuselessthing.com 