My formative years back in the day made it possible for many people in my family and others to call me a smartass. At the time I was a little insulted by the name calling but I soon discovered something very important. A properly educated elementary school smartass is just a hairs breath away from being a well-spoken adult sarcastic SOB. It takes many years of study to finally earn your wings as a lover of sarcasm but it’s well worth it. Sarcasm has served me well for decades and I have no regrets. I actually have books in my wonderful library that helped me to fine tune my skills as a glib wiseass. I’m going to give you a few samples of sarcasm which might also offer help to those sarcasm-deniers who need a little education. I’m also told that there are people out there who claim to not understand or recognize sarcasm and they have my deepest sympathies. I truthfully believe these people are in a serious state of denial and really have a badly developed sense of humor. Let’s get busy . . .
HAT
A hat is a simple protective covering that God never meant to feature mouse ears, antlers, or an opportunity to drink two beers simultaneously from a single plastic hose.
HATE
Hate is a strong, intense dislike or feeling of animosity. It is therefore the opposite of love, although if you are patient, you’ll get to the hate eventually.
HEART BROKEN
This is a state of overwhelming sadness: most commonly experienced by adolescents who do not yet have the emotional distance to grasp just how many more times they are going to get screwed over like this by the time they’re twenty-five.
FLOWERS
Flowers are a hollow gesture of apology made all the more hollow by the fact that you ordered them online.
GIVING THE FINGER
It’s something you give to another human being when you cannot find the right words to say exactly how much their very existence is so deeply impacted your life.
BEING FEMININE
This is a characteristic of women. Called to mind by such items as potpourri, fine lace, toilet paper cozies, and the ability to stick the knife in you just when you’re at your most vulnerable, sometimes even in front of your damn friends.
These are just simple examples of sarcasm which are totally harmless. To most people these are just humorous statements not taken all that seriously except by a few people dealing with serious issues of insecurity and self-esteem. Most of the time sarcasm is just plain funny if you let it be and if you don’t that’s your loss.
Is it just me or is the media using the term “genius” way too often. It seems that if your successful at anything you’re a genius until the novelty wears off and then your back to being a regular schmuck like everyone else. Real geniuses are a rarity, and they bring their own baggage along with them. They are usually a genius in a specific area but in other areas not so much. I went to college with a guy who could pick up a #2 pencil and in mere minutes, completely copy works by Michaelangelo. It was effortless and left many of us absolutely amazed. What most people didn’t know was that he was something of a recluse. He hated groups of people and was barely able to attend classes. Many times, he would complete wonderful projects at his apartment and then contact his fellow students to deliver them to the teacher. He was unable to speak before groups of more than 2 or 3 without panicking. Was he a genius? Yes! Was he happy? I don’t honestly know.
I decided to checkout a few well know geniuses to get a better feel about how they handled their gift. Here are a few facts.
The eccentric English chemist and physicist Henry Cavendish (1731-1810) had no appropriate instruments for that purpose, so he measured the strength of an electrical current in a direct way. He shocked himself with the electrical current and estimated the pain. He still managed to live to be nearly 80 years old.
The first person to work out the manner in which a telescope handled light according to strict scientific principles was the German astronomer Johann Kepler. His eyesight was so bad, however, that it was useless for him to try to use a telescope himself.
Thomas Edison, who bordered on being totally deaf, do not think of the phonograph in terms of music and entertainment. He was interested in the business and educational potential of the invention.
Henry Ford in 1921 proposed that milk be made synthetically. His disregard for dairy cows as being inefficient and unsanitary stemmed from unpleasant experiences on his father’s farm. Milking had been an exasperating and disagreeable labor.
Charles Dickens believed that a good night’s sleep was possible only if the bed was aligned from north to south. In this manner, he thought, the magnetic currents of the earth would flow straight through the resting body.
Geniuses require powers of concentration. But even that can be carried too far. In 1807, the mathematician Johann Karl Frederich Gaus was caught up in a problem while his wife lay sick upstairs. When the doctor told him his wife was dying, Gaus waved him away and never looking up from his problem, muttered, “Tell her to wait a moment till I’m through.”
Louis Pasteur, whose work on wine, vinegar, and beer led to pasteurization, had an excessive fear of dirt and infection. He refused to shake hands, and he carefully whipped his plate and glass before dining.
Sigmund Freud never learned to read a railway timetable. It was necessary that he be accompanied on any journey.
I thought today’s posting should reflect the thoughts and feelings of someone other than myself concerning the New Year and the accompanying celebrations. I’d normally throw in a few celebrity quotes about New Year’s but I’m not going to do that this year. I’ve learned over the years that the best common sense quotations are written by only one person, Anonymous.
The following collection of thoughts were collected from and written by people who wish to remain anonymous. Being anonymous gives a person a certain amount of freedom to say what they really think and to be as sarcastic and humorous as necessary. This is the stuff I love and I think you will too.
Almost everything I could think of saying about New Year’s, the celebrations, and the big party in the Big Apple, are reflected in these anonymous thoughts. It never ceases to amaze me just how funny and insightful we humans can be. See if you agree.
* * *
I do not make new year’s resolutions. The only thing I do in excess is be awesome, I’m not going to stop that in 2014.
I probably shouldn’t be making any new resolutions this year…mainly because I’m still working on the ones from last year.
Let’s kiss on New Year’s Eve 2013 as if we might have a future together in 2014.
Let’s resolve to repeat last year’s mistakes.
Here’s to ending the New Year still having a job that you still wish you didn’t have.
This year let’s resolve to make better bad decisions.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes.
I hope the world ends in 2014 so I can’t be held accountable for my New Year’s resolutions.
Thanks for inviting me to a New Year’s party I’ll have no recollection of attending.
My excuses for already failing my New Year’s resolution are more complicated than the fiscal cliff deal.
Let’s never speak of 2013 again.
May the New Year bring you significantly more joy than the holidays did.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
Let’s put significant pressure on ourselves to have a fun New Year’s Eve.
Let’s pencil each other in for a New Year’s Eve kiss, with the understanding we’ll drop each other if someone better comes along.
I resolve to stop having meaningless sex in 2014, so I suggest you pay me a compliment or get me liquored up ASAP.
My resolution is to spend more time avoiding friends and family.
I want to kiss you at midnight and pork you at dawn.
It may be the antidepressants talking, but I’m feeling somewhat optimistic about 2014.
Now that the holiday blues are over, let’s resume our everyday melancholy.
Here’s to drinking enough that we’ll need Ryan Seacrest to help us count backwards from ten.
Here’s to having a fresh start at binge eating, boozing, and slacking off.
Lets attend an opulent New Year’s Eve party so we can briefly ignore the horror of our impending poverty.
Wishing you even a minuscule percentage of the wealth and attention that has been showered upon the Kardashian fetus in 2013.
My resolution is to get healthier while still destroying myself with alcohol and drugs.
I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.
Gaining 20 lbs over the holidays makes your New Year’s resolution of losing 10 less impressive.
Let’s decide which champagne we’re going to barf.
I always thought by 2013 we would have flying cars. Instead, we have blankets with sleeves.
The only thing I gained from 2013 was weight.
Dear God, my prayer for 2014 is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don’t mix these up like you did this year.
This year, I’m just making one New Year’s resolution: Stop making resolutions. My only other resolution is to quit breaking my resolutions.
* * *
I enjoyed more than a few chuckles reading through this list and I can’t think of a thing I’d want to add. I hope your New Year’s celebration remains somewhat sane and that you return safely home in one piece. You wouldn’t want to start 2014 with any broken bones, wrecked vehicles, or DUI’s.
Here’s a few poems and stray thoughts on this Thanksgiving Eve:
“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Our rural ancestors, with little blest, Patient of labour when the end was rest, Indulged the day that housed their annual grain, With feasts, and off’rings, and a thankful strain. ~Alexander Pope
For each new morning with its light, For rest and shelter of the night, For health and food, for love and friends, For everything Thy goodness sends. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” ~Irv Kupcinet
Ah! on Thanksgiving day…. When the care-wearied man seeks his mother once more, And the worn matron smiles where the girl smiled before. What moistens the lips and what brightens the eye? What calls back the past, like the rich pumpkin pie? ~John Greenleaf Whittier
“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” ~Thornton Wilder
“On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment – halftime.” ~Author Unknown
“Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.” ~Seneca
May your stuffing be tasty May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs! ~Author Unknown
everyuselessthing.com 