Archive for the ‘lists’ Tag

08/10/2021 Women’s Rules for Oral Sex   Leave a comment

On most days I try terribly hard to keep this blog as PG as possible. However I’m occasionally forced to break that rule when I receive information like this. Be warned, I’ll be skimming the surface of an R rating today. If you’re naive, innocent, or virginal you might skip this posting altogether. I wouldn’t want to corrupt any of you or your children.

I’ve known a few women over the years who are impossible to forget. I’ve had gay female friends, prudish female friends, promiscuous female friends, and even cute and naive female friends. This posting concerns one young lady who is memorable because of her overriding obsession with oral sex. We dated for a time but I couldn’t keep up with her no matter how hard I tried (no pun intended). We went our separate ways until she sent me an e-mail recently with these rules attached. You’ve got to remember I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 26 years but it’s somehow comforting to know somethings never change. Here are her 12 rules.

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule number 1 – if you get one, be grateful.

3. No, I DON’T have to swallow.

4. My ears are NOT handles.

5. Having my period does not mean that it’s “HUMMER WEEK”. Get it through your head . . . I’m bloated and I feel like crap so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to service you just because we can’t have sex right now.

6. “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls; If you’re that desperate, go “rub one out” and leave me alone with my Midol.

7. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately after we’re done is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior repeated any time in the future.

8. If you like how I do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of my talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that I’m good at it.

9. No, I don’t care about the protein content.

10. No, I will not do it while you watch TV.

11. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get serviced often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or to brag.

12. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up doesn’t mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.

I really hope this was sent to me as a tongue-in-cheek bit of humor but even now it’s hard for me to tell with this lady. It brought a smile to my face and made me laugh out loud which is always a great way to start my day. She was never too shy back in the day and it appears she hasn’t changed a lick (no pun intended).

Smile and have a great day.

11-23-2014 Things I Once Hated!   Leave a comment

thRRIHWU0H

Four years ago in a galaxy far far away on my first blog I posted a list of 100 Things I Hate.  At the time I challenged myself to compile that list in under ten minutes to make it as spontaneous as possible. I completed it easily and was really proud of my accomplishment.  It was a fun exercise that I found interesting and one I want to revisit today.

I’ll be addressing the first ten items from that list and fully intend to cover the remaining ninety over the next month.  "An unexamined life is not worth living." or so I’ve been told over and over again.  That being said there are certain inevitabilities in life such as the much overused "death and taxes" but there are many others that are just as important.  "Change" effects us all in a myriad of ways and many times we aren’t even aware that it’s happening. I hope this silly little exercise will give me a better understanding of the many changes that are taking place within me and the effect it has on my endless supply of opinions on just about everything.  Here we go.

thKPA41P7O

#1 STUPID PEOPLE – Unfortunately this one hasn’t changed much at all.  Although now I recognize and admit that a large percentage of these people are harmless-stupid which makes them more annoying than anything else. The remainder are bad-stupid and remain on my hate list.  It appears I’m not hating on this as much as I once did and I see a 50% Improvement.

#2 ROSIE O’DONNELL – No change here. No improvement whatsoever. She sucks.

#3 UNIBROW WOMEN – I’ve always had the ability to identify one or two things about any woman I’ve become involved with or thought about getting involved with. I consider them all lovely and fun to be with in their own right. I’m again forced to reconsider this item because I’m sure there are some women out there with unibrows that I’d like to spend a little time with.  50% Improvement.

#4 BUMS – This term along with the term hobo is no longer politically correct and I promise to slap myself on the wrist really hard each and every time I use them.  Again I find myself hating those aggressive and arrogant homeless people who insist on getting in my face and wanting my money.  Some of these others who are mentally challenged are just pitiful but because of all the politically-correct thinking in this country they’ve been dumped onto the streets. 50% Improvement.

#5 DIRTY FINGERNAILS – No change here and no improvement.

#6 CRIMINALS – No change here either. No improvement.

#7 CANADIANS – I’ve moved this item into the annoyance category.  Canadians are are just a mild form of a parasite that continually criticizes it’s host but continues to enjoy the benefits it provides. 100% Improvement.

#8 ROCK STACKERS – Once again, more an annoyance than anything else. It’s something I see no useful purpose in doing but if you feel compelled to do it then just do it.  I can feel myself changing already and I’m getting all tingly with my 100% Improvement.

#9 FUNERALS – I hate them.  I would like to spend the remainder of my life never attending another regardless of who it is.  They freak me out and hopefully the only other one I ever attend will be my own. No improvement here.

#10 BACKWARD BASEBALL CAPS -  This is something I’ve hated since it all started. Grown men and women teaching their children to look as stupid and ridiculous as they do.  This goes hand in hand with saggy pants with underwear sticking out. I’d like to find the person who started these ridiculous trends and just kick their ass. No improvement.

thEVXCVHXK

By my calculations on these ten items I’m showing a 35% improvement overall.  I find that amazing, disturbing, and annoying, all at the same time.  I wish I could get that kind of improvement for my 2014 New Years resolutions but they’ll be reviewed and discussed at a later date.

01-14-2014 Hater’s Are Alive and Well   Leave a comment

A long time ago in a blog that is now far, far, away I posted a four part list of the one hundred things I hated the most.  I spent a lot of time compiling that list and after posting it I went on about my life.  I never thought much more about it until yesterday when I spotted a few websites indicating everyone is hating something these days.  After reading through almost a hundred lists I had an epiphany.  All of a sudden I seemed like the calm, reserved, and thoughtful person and the rest of the world appears populated by a new generation of haters.  Some how I’d been dropped very far down the list of haters and that pissed me off a little.

I took a sampling of a few things that seem to show up on many of the lists including my own.  I’ll list a few to give you an idea exactly what I’m talking about.

Know-It-All’s
People Who talk Over You
Google Obsessed People
People Who Don’t Get Sarcasm
Tyra Banks
STD’s
Back Seat Drivers
Web Page Ads
Discourteous Public Bathroom Users
Liars
Loud People
Politicians
Commercials
Procrastinators
Drama Queens
Evangelists
Bad Drivers
OBX Stickers
Global Warming Idiots
Mimes

Some of those items are funny, some seem to make good sense but most are just ho-hum or so it seems to me.  Since “I HATE” being left behind I thought it would be cool if I brought my list back from the archives, updated it a bit, and send it your way.  After going through that process I discovered that I’ve  mellowed a great deal in the intervening years and my list has shrunk to only 52 items.  I was forced to revaluate the old list with the eye of a retired person.  Many things that used to piss me off no longer bother me at all.  It’s all just slightly amusing to me at this point in time.

So, here’s my newly revised list.  It’s a very cathartic process doing a large list like this, you should try it yourself.  Don’t be afraid, no one will really HATE you for doing it.  Just don’t use any real names and your good to go.  So here I go.

Stupid People
Rosie O’Donnell
Unibrow Women
Homeless People
Dirty Finger Nails
Criminals
Funerals
Backward Baseball Caps
Large Groups of People
Penn & Teller
Dumb Cashiers
Stinky Feet
Hairy Bushes
Terrorists
Know-It-All’s
Hospitals
Oprah Winfrey
Will Ferrell
The Smell of Urine
Women Missing Teeth
Political Correctness
Liberals
Boogers
Clowns
Liars
Ear Hair
Doctors
Large Aureoles
Dirty Toilets
Roadside Death Shrines.
Extra Toes
Nose Hair
Jehovah Witnesses
Salesmen
Vegans
Ass Kissers
Autopsy’s
Stinky Breath
Illegal Aliens
Democrats
Wet  Farts
Performing Artists
Ugly Feet
Sean Penn
Stinky Garbage
Arrogant People
Inverted Nipples
Noisy Radios
The French
Hairy Nipples (On Women)
Yellow Nail Polish
Gossips
Baby Pageants
Texting While Driving
Granny Panties
Penis Caught in Zipper
Tail Gater’s, Stinky Arm Pits

You’ve been the recipient of the Official Every Useless Thing Hate List for 2014.  Make up your own list.  Once you get start listing it becomes almost a living thing.  You just keep on going and going and going and you have to force yourself to stop.

01-12-2014 Relationship Wants   4 comments

I’ve been racking my brain for the last few days trying to come up with some ideas for my least favorite holiday that’s approaching. Everyone on the planet knows it’s a made-up holiday supported primarily by greeting card companies but it doesn’t change the fact that we men are required to do the proper thing regardless for Valentine’s Day. The proper thing being candy, flowers, and an emotional and over the top “love” card. If you really want to get lucky it also may require an expensive dinner and a crazy night on the town.  It’s kind of like Christmas.  You get one big gift that’s meant to last the whole year.

I really don’t mean to sound  like a man but unfortunately that’s what I am. I decided to do a little net surfing in an attempt to identify those things that men want from women in  a relationship and vice versa.  It seems that everyone is an expert on this subject and in order for me to be thorough I would’ve been forced to read through hundreds of websites. My laziness resulted in these two lists with 10 items each listing the primary “wants” from both genders. This first list is what men are looking for in the women they date in the hopes of finding their soulmate.

What Men Want in Women

Physical Intimacy

Confident

Attractiveness

Love

Security

Trust

Sense of Humor

Supportive

As you can see there are no surprises in that list.  This next list is things wanted by women in their men to qualify them for “soulmate” status.

What Women Want in Men

Love

Sense of Humor

Confident

Respectful

Sexual Passion

Trustworthy

Chivalrous

Attractive

Ambitious

Imaginative

Again no real surprises at all.  Some minor differences but nothing too shocking.  Let me make a statement that in my humble opinion will sum up the main wants and needs of both sexes in one simple  sentence.

“I want an attractive, confident, trustworthy, and sexy person.”

For me that says it all.  Those characteristics were common to both lists and I suspect haven’t changed much since the first man met the first women.  Thousands of years, millions of people, trillions of dollars, and I figured it all out in an hour. So if you have all of these qualities you should be in demand as a single person and a major catch for marriage seekers.  If you think  that that sentence describes you and you aren’t in demand it can only mean one thing.  I got it all wrong.  If I’m wrong then I’d advise you to get your ass in gear and buy some candy, some flowers, a mushy card, a fancy dinner, and then pray for the sex your hoping to get on Valentine’s Day night.

For a few extra thrills throw in some jewelry. Also I find it a little interesting that Valentine’s Day is represented by the initials VD. I don’t think it means anything, I’m just saying.

%d bloggers like this: