Archive for the ‘relationships’ Tag

07-11-2014 My Relationship Rules for Women!   Leave a comment

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Every guy loves ogling beautiful women and that includes me.   It’s been that way forever and I don’t see it changing any time soon.  Woman claim to dislike being stared at but do they really mean it?  Victoria Secret’s success has made that claim a little less believable. I’ve had them try to tell me that they wear makeup, revealing clothing, and expensive hair styling just to look good for other women.  Do you buy that? Not a chance.  They want to be stared at, whistled at, and ogled just as much as the men enjoy doing it.  It’s that famous “dance” that the sexes do in a age old mating ritual.  If you look good then your choice of mates increases exponentially.

I must say that it’s a fine line for a woman to walk.  If you get too revealing you look like a slut.  Most guys looking for a serious relationship wouldn’t be drawn to the slutty woman but also wouldn’t hesitate making the occasional booty call to one after a night of drinking and increasing horniness. What most women don’t seem to get is the desire by many men for an attractive, well behaved, and friendly woman who sheds those attributes upon entering the bedroom and turns into a sex crazed slut.  I know it isn’t rally fair to all of you women but unfortunately it remains true.

There’s a rule of thumb you’ve probably heard, KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid”.  Over the years I’ve developed five simple and easy rules for women to help them have a modicum of success in attracting a possible long term mate.

Rule 1 – Look good but not too good. Just slutty enough to make his mouth water and to keep his fantasies percolating.

Rule 2 – Be flirty but not too dirty or off color.  Just a hint of the “bad girl” is usually enough to drive most men over the edge.

Rule 3 – Drink enough but don’t get sloppy drunk.  No one wants to have the woman they’re hoping to have sex with throwing up on them.  Don’t laugh, it’s happened to me.

Rule 4 – Lay off that constant stream of foul language except in the bedroom. Be coy at first and then turn into that bedroom slut he’s been hoping and searching and wishing for.

Rule 5 – You may be more sexually experienced than he is but don’t show off.  Save some of your better moves for later when he’ll thinks he’s the reason you’ve decided to do them.

I’ve always been partial to women who look good but not too good.  I love a woman who wears her hair long because I find long hair very sexy. It’s an old Victorian fantasy of mine where you spend a great deal of time peeling off layers of clothing and after all that work she  lets down her hair down and you’re good to go. Gives me the shivers just thinking about it. 

“With the narrower silhouette, emphasis was placed on the bust, waist and hips. A corset was used to help mold the body to the desired shape.

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“Skirts were supported by a hybrid of the bustle and crinoline or hooped petticoat sometimes called a “crinolette”. The crinolette itself was quickly superseded by the true bustle, which was sufficient for supporting the drapery and train at the back of the skirt.”

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“The Victorian Version of the J-LO look.”

Well back to topic. I’ve had dealings with a few women in my life and they’ve fallen into any number of different categories.  Beautiful, fugly, and all points in between.  Each one was a totally different experience, some good and some really effing bad.  They can try and deny their innate desire to attract men but down deep in their hearts they know its the truth.  They want a good man in a good relationship with kids, a dog, and the white picket fence.  After all of that they also want to be the biggest slut they can be in the bedroom and have a man who’ll appreciate it.

SURPRISE LADIES . . . THAT’S WHAT WE WANT TOO

04-11-2014 Cellular Love & Marriage   1 comment

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I consistently ask myself questions about the things I see.  It’s not that I’m seeing these things that bothers me, it’s that I don’t entirely understand what I’m seeing.  One of the things that confuses me the most are the situations I see developing these days between people and their cell phones.

I’ll try to explain clearly where I’m coming from in order to keep any confusion to a minimum. After being held hostage by Verizon Wireless for the last seven years I made the bold move of dumping their service and stepping back three or four technological paces to something far simpler and inexpensive. I won’t get into the particulars except to say I’ve cut my monthly costs by 70%.  I don’t want you to think I hate cell phones because I don’t.  What I do hate is the unhealthy hold those devices seem to have on such a large portion of our population.

Next, I need to state emphatically my total and complete support for both heterosexual and homosexual marriages.  No, my mind isn’t wandering but hang in there a moment or two until I explain.  I object strongly to the new wave of intimate relationships I’m observing between humans and cellphones. It’s becoming a little embarrassing to see these phones being cuddled and stroked by both men and women in public places. It’s a bit disgusting. 

People buying their phones cutesy little bejeweled outfits in a variety of colored covers to keep things from getting too boring.  Even the kids are getting into the act with little or no parental oversight.  Sitting along in their rooms at night talking quietly on the phone, roaming the Internet until all  hours of the morning, and posting "selfies" to the world that would in some cases make a porn star blush.

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Those phones are coddled and babied and remain all snuggly in a pocket or purse held tightly next to the heart (or other body parts) of their owners.  I know many women and even a few men who would like nothing better than to have a large device vibrating in their pocket.  People just can’t seem to keep their hands off their phones and don’t even try. What’s next?  The formation of political special interest groups to promote our freedom to marry our cellphones?  Don’t laugh, as weird as things are these days,  it could happen. 

Cell phone ownership is becoming almost as intimate as a marriage.  First you need to find that “soulmate” or should I say “cell-mate”.  It must be attractive and shapely and have all of those attributes you’re looking for.  Once you’ve found that perfect match then your required to enter into a contract for a two year period.  Very similar to a marriage license if you ask me but with one additional advantage.  When your cell-mate gets a little older, all scratched up, and the battery starts to fail you can dump it and sign up for an upgrade. If you dare decide to end the relationship before the contract is up your forced to pay and pay dearly for that right.  Sounds just like a divorce I managed to survive twenty years ago.

I guess I just haven’t met my true "cell-mate" yet.  I suppose it will happen all of a sudden like a lightning bolt and I’ll be lost forever in that wonderful haze of first love, sexting something juicy for the first time, or sending an HD photo of some of my body parts to people who don’t want to see them.

You just gotta love those cell-phones.  Right Lovey.

01-12-2014 Relationship Wants   4 comments

I’ve been racking my brain for the last few days trying to come up with some ideas for my least favorite holiday that’s approaching. Everyone on the planet knows it’s a made-up holiday supported primarily by greeting card companies but it doesn’t change the fact that we men are required to do the proper thing regardless for Valentine’s Day. The proper thing being candy, flowers, and an emotional and over the top “love” card. If you really want to get lucky it also may require an expensive dinner and a crazy night on the town.  It’s kind of like Christmas.  You get one big gift that’s meant to last the whole year.

I really don’t mean to sound  like a man but unfortunately that’s what I am. I decided to do a little net surfing in an attempt to identify those things that men want from women in  a relationship and vice versa.  It seems that everyone is an expert on this subject and in order for me to be thorough I would’ve been forced to read through hundreds of websites. My laziness resulted in these two lists with 10 items each listing the primary “wants” from both genders. This first list is what men are looking for in the women they date in the hopes of finding their soulmate.

What Men Want in Women

Physical Intimacy

Confident

Attractiveness

Love

Security

Trust

Sense of Humor

Supportive

As you can see there are no surprises in that list.  This next list is things wanted by women in their men to qualify them for “soulmate” status.

What Women Want in Men

Love

Sense of Humor

Confident

Respectful

Sexual Passion

Trustworthy

Chivalrous

Attractive

Ambitious

Imaginative

Again no real surprises at all.  Some minor differences but nothing too shocking.  Let me make a statement that in my humble opinion will sum up the main wants and needs of both sexes in one simple  sentence.

“I want an attractive, confident, trustworthy, and sexy person.”

For me that says it all.  Those characteristics were common to both lists and I suspect haven’t changed much since the first man met the first women.  Thousands of years, millions of people, trillions of dollars, and I figured it all out in an hour. So if you have all of these qualities you should be in demand as a single person and a major catch for marriage seekers.  If you think  that that sentence describes you and you aren’t in demand it can only mean one thing.  I got it all wrong.  If I’m wrong then I’d advise you to get your ass in gear and buy some candy, some flowers, a mushy card, a fancy dinner, and then pray for the sex your hoping to get on Valentine’s Day night.

For a few extra thrills throw in some jewelry. Also I find it a little interesting that Valentine’s Day is represented by the initials VD. I don’t think it means anything, I’m just saying.

07-01-2013   2 comments

I find women interesting and the older I get the more interesting they become.  Highly emotional with all of the accompanying maternal instincts that pretty much control their lives.  The consequences of being the child bearing gender are many but in small doses they aren’t too bad.  As with everything else, too much of a good thing can end up being a real problem.

It’s been my observation that certain women have children, love them, raise them, and send them on their way.  You’d think they’d be happy to have accomplished such a difficult task as having and then raising a child or two or three or even four.  I guess it all depends on the individual woman.

Normally what occurs after the nest has been emptied is their subtle and sometimes subconscious need to try and refill it.  Who’s the only logical candidate to help them accomplish that? The poor spouse or partner. He becomes the target of all those wonderful traits that attracted him to her in the first place. It’s a totally different situation when she begins treating her spouse or partner like he’s a prepubescent child.  The hovering and constant nit-picking can drive a person over the edge.

How can a man deal with these problems without getting angry and hurting her feelings?  Not an easy proposition but unless you find a solution there could be big trouble in River City.

Fortunately if the woman is reasonably aware of what she’s doing and after a period of time (hopefully short) and with the man’s help this phase will pass and life can return to normal (whatever that is).  As a man your lucky if this Empty-Nest Syndrome passes quickly and the one thing that can make that happen is the arrival of that first grandchild.  All of those pent up motherly feelings can now be targeted to the new baby which in turn makes the man’s life a little easier (but not for long).

Just when you think your life will finally calm down without any more unneeded drama the scariest thing you could ever imagine arrives, “THE CHANGE”.  Night sweats, hot flashes, temper tantrums, and a really unfriendly alter-ego that turns your soulmate and life partner into Mrs. Hyde.  It could take years for this to come and go and it is one helluva a rough ride for all involved.

I found out the hard way just how bad it can be but after much experimentation I discovered a simple way to short circuit the Change a little.  You can’t cure the physical side effects of the Change but you can lessen the impact of the other symptoms with a healthy dose of humor.  It’s almost impossible for her to be totally crazy if you can keep her laughing.  Mix in healthy doses of hugging, touching, and other dangerous activities and you may just survive to reach the promised land.  The promised land is that wonderful place where you can have all the sex you want without fear of pregnancy.  It’s weird that Mother Nature makes you wait until old age for this to occur.  It would have been nicer to have that luxury back in my thirties.

There you have it.  You’re now in your sixties, retired, and have all the time in the world for all that sex you’ve always complained you never had time for.  Unfortunately you also no longer have the kind of stamina that’s necessary to fulfill all of your insane sex fantasies.  On top of that you have aches and pains in odd places making things even more interesting and difficult.

Mother Nature is one ironic and totally unfunny woman.

04-14-2013   2 comments

There are a few things that are unavoidable in life.  Death and taxes come to mind but a few others are almost as unavoidable especially if you’re a man. I’ve been around longer than I care to admit and that in itself has inevitably forced me to closely study and attempt to understand the human female.  As hard as it is to believe, I’ve made very little progress.  On any given day I’m confronted with comments from women about guys “leaving the seat up” or “being difficult to talk to” and a host of other broad-brush criticisms. All I can do is smile a little, say nothing, and be amused by the fact they really don’t understand us either. 

Today was a perfect example.  I was asked along on one of her famous shopping excursions so I prepared as I always do.  I packed my e-reader, one book, and my camera.  This is the basic survival equipment required for these short local shopping trips.  I also have several other necessities I require for extended shopping trips that last more than three hours including but not limited to binoculars, a back scratcher, a pillow, and a a warm fuzzy blanket.  Being a former Boy Scout I’m still a big believer in the motto, “Be Prepared”. I need these things to keep me comfortable as I wait in the car in front of every Kohl’s, Target, Michael’s, and Wal-Mart. The alternative is go in and push a cart around for a mile or two and idiot watch. Do I get any credit for just keeping her company?  A big no. It’s always something like “you men, you never want to be with us. You just sit in the car and play with your toys”.  How’s that for gratitude?  I’ll have you know anything I own that cost me more than $400.00 is no freaking toy.  Sorry, it just had to be said but unfortunately only the men are listening.

I have a few other issues with women but no one seems to pay much attention to my thoughts and conclusions.  Simple stuff, like why does it take fifteen minutes to pull a car into the garage and get out.  I’ve timed my better-half many times and it’s never takes her less than ten minutes.  Gotta check the hair and the makeup (for some reason), then she goes through her bags (always carrying at least two), checks the back seat, glove compartment , and possibly her pulse and blood pressure as well.  Do I loudly criticize her for these things?  Not anymore.  I gave up even mentioning them years ago because it was a waste of time.  It goes in one ear and directly out the other.

What are my conclusions.  I have none.  But as a human male who is a long standing member of the Men’s union and a continuing target for female criticisms (valid or otherwise), I’ll keep trying to make sense of it all. 

A few juicy wisecracks immediately come to mind but today I’ll ne nice.  I won’t use them except in my own defense if she starts getting feisty when she can’t find clothes that will fit. I’ll do my best to convince her it’s not the fault of all the men in the world that she can’t fit her ass into a pair of jeans.  I guarantee you she won’t believe a word of it.

This is what I would call a text book example of what a women would consider a normal relationship.  They talk and we listen, just perfect.

03-20-2013   2 comments

I’ve decided to have a quiet and restful day today to catch my breathe and relax a little. My better-half is off to work in my car since her vehicle took a hissy fit this morning and refused to start (allegedly).  I was awakened by her at 5:00 am from a wonderfully deep sleep to be brought up to speed about her car. It’s moments like that for me that test the limits of any relationship.

I became just conscious enough to tell her where my car keys were and for her to take my car.  I immediately attempted to fall back to sleep but as you all know once your awakened it’s sometimes impossible. I laid in bed for another half hour and finally gave up.  I threw on some clothes, had a cup of really awful coffee, and headed to the garage to address her problem.

You must understand that my better-half has super powers never before seen on this planet.  She is Anti-Technology Girl and has the ability to just look at a piece of technology or machinery and cause it to not work.  I cringe every time she walks by any of my computer equipment because sometimes that’s all it takes.  She has the ability to cause any device with virtually no moving parts to malfunction repeatedly but only when she’s using it.  It’s freaking scary sometimes.

She can pick up a brand new remote control that was working properly for me five minutes ago and have it fail.  I try to humor her but at times it’s just not possible. Her list is endless; computers that make errors that are impossible for them to make, her car that never had a problem starting  won’t start, and on and on it goes with no possible explanations from her.

Being the trained observer that I am I’ve come to the conclusion that the problem just might be her.  She can’t set the time on a clock, she can’t do anything on a computer without retraining every week, and I’m the guy who gets to spend his life following her around to fix these problems.

All of that being said I just knew that when I arrived in the garage this morning that her car would start.  I climbed into the car, turned the key, and it started immediately without any weird sounds or hesitation whatsoever. Oh, did I forget to mention what the first thing she asked me in my groggy half-awake state?  "What did you do to my car?  That statement alone should tell you the rest of the story.

It’s not often she’s rendered speechless about anything but when I called to tell her the car was fine I received a full five seconds of dead silence.  I should call the Guinness World Record people since in my experience that is a world record if there ever was one.

Now I’m free to go about my life knowing I’ve solved another of her hundreds of mysterious problems that seem to fix themselves as soon as I arrive.  That’s what every successful relationship is I suppose; give and take, good and bad, and about a ton of BS you both have to ignore to survive together. 

Ain’t love grand.

03-18-2013   Leave a comment

I just spent a little quality time with my snowblower this morning.  With another huge snowstorm coming our way I thought she might need a little pep talk before I send her out into another nasty old snow storm.  I don’t think she was too happy to hear about this storm because she refused to talk to me or even look me in the eye. Snowblowers can be so temperamental if they’re not treated like God’s gift to all snowblowers.  I gassed her up, wiped the dirt from her beautiful red body, gently checked her oil, and then rubbed her all over with a clean rag.  It’s strange that this entire routine reminds me more than just a little of most of my previous relationships.  I baby them, pamper them, feed them, clothe them, make love to them, and then maybe just maybe they’ll do something I request.  I did say MAYBE because it’s never ever been a sure thing anyway.

It’s always amazed me just how all things seem to be related in so many ways. There are millions of men out there who love using sports metaphors to explain almost everything but since I’m not a sports fanatic I tend to go my own way. As with women most vehicles and machinery require exactly the same treatment if you expect to get anything in return.  Cars, garden tractors, leaf blowers, wood chippers, and even things as small as battery operated face massagers need some TLC occasionally.  I’ve found that bathing them regularly and talking softly to them really goes a long way to keeping them happy and working properly.  As in all things a few loving caresses here and there won’t hurt either.

They all require constant attention and if they don’t get it then problems will almost certainly ensue.  So men, always remember that all of your mechanical devices require all of your time and effort to keep them happy. God help you if they think they’re being ignored, there will be hell to pay.

All of my former vehicles demanded on occasion a nice warm bath as well as a vigorous rubdown with scented cleaners.  I recommend that you make that part of your maintenance regime, you won’t be sorry.  Spending a little time, effort, and gentleness will pay off in a big way if you play your cards right. 
Talk to your vehicles as much as you can and never walk by without a gentle touch and a kind word.  Snuggle up in those nice soft seats and don’t be afraid to gently stroke her every so often.

Give it a try and you won’t believe the results.  Buy her a sweet smelling air freshener and maybe a cute set of floor mats and she’ll follow you anywhere. Gas her up regularly and maybe she’ll let you take her out on the expressway and blow the carbon out of her pipes and yours as well. 

Just saying.