Author Archive
It’s time for another installment of totally useless information. Normally I supply true facts that are strange, ironic, or unbelievable. Today I’m taking a page from the Main Stream Media who on a regular basis use the jokes told on late night television to gauge certain politicians standing with the American people. I’ve never really understood that type of polling since most of the material used by Leno, Letterman, Kimmel, and O’Brien is written by professional writers hired and directed by their corporate owners. Of course, they’re all totally unbiased politically.
I like a good laugh and joke as much as the next guy so I’ll pass these tidbits along simply as fun "one liners". Since this country thrives on "sound bites" this style of humor is all the rage. I need to enter a disclaimer here because I’m reasonable sure that all of these items are untrue. Enjoy them for what they are, just silly and stupid jokes.
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Einstein estimated that his Theory of Relativity got him laid more than one hundred times.
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The United States border with Mexico is over 2000 miles long but only six inches wide.
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Montana is the only state where "horseplay" is illegal.
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Ninety six percent of all wrong numbers involve a guy saying, "Larry?"
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Scientists who’ve been studying pigeons agree that they’re definitely up to something.
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In Westchester, NY, there is a barber named Tony DeBarber.
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Newton’s Fourth Law states "No fat chicks".
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Christopher Welden of Columbus, OH, is the only person ever to actually "laugh all the way to the bank".
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While their still not allowed to drive cars, as of May 2006, Saudi Arabian women may operate riding lawn mowers.
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During a screening of Neil Simon’s The Goodbye Girl at the Vatican, someone asked the Pope to remove his hat.
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When held by a person more than seven feet tall a ladle is just called a "spoon".
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In response to continued complaints the Campbell’s Soup company has removed the letter "F" from their alphabet soup.
Well there you have it. The first dirty dozen useless tidbits that might just make you smile but there are certainly no guarantees.
I’ve been listening to the political reporting very closely for the last few weeks and I’m seeing a number of things occurring that I warned everyone about more than a year ago. I can go into the specifics but I suspect it will do little or no good and a total waste of my time. Most of the people in this country have gotten too fat and far too comfortable to listen or believe what the Obama administration has been doing. They continue their relentless attack on our civil rights or what rights “We the People” have left.
I won’t get into the abuses of the NSA in the monitoring and collection of information on all of us under the guise of combating terrorists. Or the use of anti-gun rhetoric to collect more private information to add to the federal databases. They know that an attempt to ban or collect guns could create an uprising they couldn’t control and even possibly cause an outright rebellion. So they do the next best thing which is to scare the gun owners and manufacturers into agreeing to more intrusive background checks, gun registration, and other steps. This makes it much easier for Big Brother Obama to then track gun owners, their guns, and to collect as much additional personal information as they can.
I’ve watched Obama and his administration totally ignore and disregard the constitution since stepping into the office of the Presidency. I’ve also watched the Main Stream Media ignore almost every occasion in which attempts were made to violate the Constitution. Even the liberal leaning courts have given up our rights without flinching. Is this the beginning of the end of the United States as we know it? It’s a slippery slope when we allow our civil rights to be steadily worn away by greedy and conniving politicians out to feather their own nests.
The constitution apparently has lost the respect of many of the American people who seem more concerned with what they can leech out of the government rather than respecting how this country was created. I never took the term “nanny state” too seriously until recently. I’m sure our fore-fathers are spinning in their graves with what is occurring in the nation they founded. Listen to our first president and then look at what’s happening in our country now.
“The basis of our political systems is the right of the people to make and alter their constitutions of government. But the constitution which at any time exists, until changed by an explicit and authentic act of the whole people, is sacredly obligatory upon all.”
George Washington (1732-1799) Farewell Address 09/17/1796
When the left tries to influence public opinion it’s always “about the children”. Everyone is willing to give up more tax dollars and their civil rights to protect the children. What will happen to the children in twenty years when the government finally takes complete control of this country and suddenly reminds you, you no longer have any rights. It will too late then.
Just saying again.
I’ve decided to have a quiet and restful day today to catch my breathe and relax a little. My better-half is off to work in my car since her vehicle took a hissy fit this morning and refused to start (allegedly). I was awakened by her at 5:00 am from a wonderfully deep sleep to be brought up to speed about her car. It’s moments like that for me that test the limits of any relationship.
I became just conscious enough to tell her where my car keys were and for her to take my car. I immediately attempted to fall back to sleep but as you all know once your awakened it’s sometimes impossible. I laid in bed for another half hour and finally gave up. I threw on some clothes, had a cup of really awful coffee, and headed to the garage to address her problem.
You must understand that my better-half has super powers never before seen on this planet. She is Anti-Technology Girl and has the ability to just look at a piece of technology or machinery and cause it to not work. I cringe every time she walks by any of my computer equipment because sometimes that’s all it takes. She has the ability to cause any device with virtually no moving parts to malfunction repeatedly but only when she’s using it. It’s freaking scary sometimes.
She can pick up a brand new remote control that was working properly for me five minutes ago and have it fail. I try to humor her but at times it’s just not possible. Her list is endless; computers that make errors that are impossible for them to make, her car that never had a problem starting won’t start, and on and on it goes with no possible explanations from her.
Being the trained observer that I am I’ve come to the conclusion that the problem just might be her. She can’t set the time on a clock, she can’t do anything on a computer without retraining every week, and I’m the guy who gets to spend his life following her around to fix these problems.
All of that being said I just knew that when I arrived in the garage this morning that her car would start. I climbed into the car, turned the key, and it started immediately without any weird sounds or hesitation whatsoever. Oh, did I forget to mention what the first thing she asked me in my groggy half-awake state? "What did you do to my car? That statement alone should tell you the rest of the story.
It’s not often she’s rendered speechless about anything but when I called to tell her the car was fine I received a full five seconds of dead silence. I should call the Guinness World Record people since in my experience that is a world record if there ever was one.
Now I’m free to go about my life knowing I’ve solved another of her hundreds of mysterious problems that seem to fix themselves as soon as I arrive. That’s what every successful relationship is I suppose; give and take, good and bad, and about a ton of BS you both have to ignore to survive together.
Ain’t love grand.
Well, we’re buried under another foot of snow and I’m beginning to hate it. Mother Nature’s taking it upon herself to be annoying and there are a few hundred thousand people here in Maine who are no longer amused. Today was spent sitting in the house and looking longingly out the window for one ray of the ever illusive sunshine. After a few hours of that I was ready to fire up the snowblower and get to work. After clearing the snow I returned to the house to again sit and look out the window until the snow again piled up. Today that is my life.
Around 2 pm I retired to the man-cave for a few hours of computer time and some quality time with the cat. He was no help at all so in frustration I returned to my dry walling project. I set up an area in the garage and began to cut the drywall panels for the room remodel. What a mess. I finished enough panels to do about half of the walls and called it a day when I realized the longer I worked the more mess I was making. Falling back to an always available old saying, "all things in moderation", made it easy for me to clean up the area and walk away. My better-half, that burley female construction worker (sarcasm), assisted me in carrying the panels up to the second floor which was a real backbreaker for both of us. I felt a little better about returning to my snow watching after having accomplished something today. From weather reports it appears the storm will be lasting until sometime tomorrow so I’ll be snowblowing well into the night. Oh joy!
Fortunately my Harry Potter-2 X-box game arrived two days ago (thank you Amazon) and I was able to spend an hour or so creeping around Hogwarts castle looking for trouble. It’s was a great way to clear my head and relax (at least for me) for a little while.
Tomorrow the snow will stop, the roads will be cleared of snow, and I can get back into my spring time mindset. I can’t let this snow ruin my Spring Fever feelings.
I just spent a little quality time with my snowblower this morning. With another huge snowstorm coming our way I thought she might need a little pep talk before I send her out into another nasty old snow storm. I don’t think she was too happy to hear about this storm because she refused to talk to me or even look me in the eye. Snowblowers can be so temperamental if they’re not treated like God’s gift to all snowblowers. I gassed her up, wiped the dirt from her beautiful red body, gently checked her oil, and then rubbed her all over with a clean rag. It’s strange that this entire routine reminds me more than just a little of most of my previous relationships. I baby them, pamper them, feed them, clothe them, make love to them, and then maybe just maybe they’ll do something I request. I did say MAYBE because it’s never ever been a sure thing anyway.
It’s always amazed me just how all things seem to be related in so many ways. There are millions of men out there who love using sports metaphors to explain almost everything but since I’m not a sports fanatic I tend to go my own way. As with women most vehicles and machinery require exactly the same treatment if you expect to get anything in return. Cars, garden tractors, leaf blowers, wood chippers, and even things as small as battery operated face massagers need some TLC occasionally. I’ve found that bathing them regularly and talking softly to them really goes a long way to keeping them happy and working properly. As in all things a few loving caresses here and there won’t hurt either.
They all require constant attention and if they don’t get it then problems will almost certainly ensue. So men, always remember that all of your mechanical devices require all of your time and effort to keep them happy. God help you if they think they’re being ignored, there will be hell to pay.
All of my former vehicles demanded on occasion a nice warm bath as well as a vigorous rubdown with scented cleaners. I recommend that you make that part of your maintenance regime, you won’t be sorry. Spending a little time, effort, and gentleness will pay off in a big way if you play your cards right.
Talk to your vehicles as much as you can and never walk by without a gentle touch and a kind word. Snuggle up in those nice soft seats and don’t be afraid to gently stroke her every so often.
Give it a try and you won’t believe the results. Buy her a sweet smelling air freshener and maybe a cute set of floor mats and she’ll follow you anywhere. Gas her up regularly and maybe she’ll let you take her out on the expressway and blow the carbon out of her pipes and yours as well.
Just saying.
More good news today. After an entire week of forty-five degree sunny days, we have another effing snow storm working it’s way here from wherever the hell they come from. Once again we’re to be buried in more than a foot of snow. There goes that good old Spring Fever feeling right out the bloody window.
Today is sunny and wickedly cold but I’ll deal with the cold to have this much sunshine. It’s amazing what energy a little sunshine can create to help motivate me. I’m doing a small amount of work on the remodel this morning but nothing too strenuous. After all it’s Sunday and that supposed to be a day of rest, right?
Since it’s a lazy day for me I’m determined to do a few things that I’ve been procrastinating about for weeks. I spent some time cleaning my camera and lenses. Removing the silicon skin used for protection against my clumsiness is a pain but the camera needs a thorough cleaning. It’s something I should be doing on a regular basis but for some reason I never seem to make the time to do it.
Next is my work shop. It’s a freaking disaster area and while I might make some progress in cleaning it today, it’s going to take many more days before it’s anywhere near clean and functional enough. What I really need is a huge dump truck, a five gallon can of gas, and a pack of matches. Nothing says cleanup like a raging bonfire. I’ve promised myself that fifteen minutes after the last of the snow has melted there’ll be a huge bonfire and I’ll be feeding it until the workshop is emptied of trash and old wood scraps.
This snow storm is really screwing not only with my head but my Spring schedule. Mother Nature truly is a "heartless bitch". Our Spring and Summer seasons here in Maine aren’t very long as it is but these late snow storms are just salt in the wounds. I guess I’m becoming something of a whiny little bitch so I’ll shut and get on with things. Thank God It’s only a few stupid chores that are irritating me. I mean it could be much much worse. I could be returning to the workforce, right Lily?
It’s time for me to get to moving, stop complaining, and become a useful citizen once again. I hate that.
Finally a day out of the house. I’ve been granted a day without thinking of the on going remodel or anything house related thanks to a few of my better-half’s relatives. They’ve decided because of their enjoyable visit to see us last summer that spending a week here this year is just the ticket. I’m assisting them in their endeavors in finding a home or cottage rental somewhere near the Scarborough or Old Orchard beach areas.
They’ve apparently been looking on-line but haven’t had much luck. I’m on my way this morning to check out a place located at Camp Ellis, Maine. This is an area along the coast just north of the city of Saco and has been a harbor for small boats and lobsterman for years. There’s a large breakwater protecting the harbor and a small beach nearby for sunning and swimming. My job today is to find the building at the address they’ve given me, evaluate the area, and report back. The renter is asking $1800.00 a week which to me is ridiculous but what the hell do I know. I’m told it can be as much as $3000.00 a week just a few short miles further north in the Old Orchard Beach area which in my opinion is again highway robbery.
Before any investigation can begin I’ll be forced to stop at Dunkin Donuts for a jolt of fresh coffee and something sweet to make me extra happy. I want to be as alert and clear headed as possible as I make this evaluation so an extra turbo shot of espresso will be required.
I should mention that this winter has been difficult in certain areas of Maine with terrible wind storms and heavy snow falls. The Camp Ellis area was hit pretty hard in the last storm which I was made aware of as I attempted to reach the address I’m supposed to be checking out. It’s located on a short little street a short distance from the beach but not only is the road closed and a detour in place but the small beach is only half the size it once was. I’m told that the beach was partially washed away in the last storm as well as a few yards of the shore road. Scratch one potential vacation spot.
I’m now forced to cruise north along the shore road to Old Orchard Beach and Scarborough, a trip of approximately four miles. It’s a chilly but sunny day making the ride a real pleasure and a perfect opportunity for a little photography. I hadn’t driven more than a mile when I came on a huge flock of geese that stopped for rest and food in a nearby protected wildlife area. In just a few minutes I was able to take a few terrific pictures and for a change I had my telephoto lens with me and it worked out perfectly.
I began writing down telephone numbers and the names of local realty companies as I rode along. I then dropped a voice mail to her relatives with all the information I’d collected. I hope they find what their looking for at a reasonable price because I’m really looking forward to their visit later in the summer. Spending a week on the beach with them would really kick-start the summers festivities.
I’m celebrating today because yesterday I received a letter from my doctor. Truthfully, it’s not the kind of letter I like receiving but it is what it is and unfortunately for me it’s colonoscopy time again. Before I go much further I like to throw out a huge thank you to my late mother Janet. It’s her medical history and genetic inheritance that requires me to have these procedures. Her history of colon cancer and cancerous polyps has placed me at the head of the line for frequent colonoscopies. Thanks a lot Mom.
It all started for me in 2004 when my new doctor at that time was reviewing my medical history and gave me the bad news that colonoscopies were about to become a huge part of my life. I had no knowledge of what colonoscopies were at that time but I was to find out rather quickly how much fun they weren’t. As the first colonoscopy approached I was directed to pick up a “Colonoscopy Preparation Kit” at my doctors office. It contained a gallon of liquid and a couple of pouches of powder that were to be mixed together and consumed the night before the procedure. I actually laughed when he told me that I had to drink that entire gallon in one sitting (no pun intended). He also warned me not to wander too far from a bathroom which I failed to take all that seriously. Big gigantic mistake number one.
Being the obedient person that I am I followed his instructions to the letter and discovered very quickly that his warnings were not to be taken lightly. I was sitting quietly on my deck when I felt a rumble. It felt like a very small earthquake tremor at first but immediately I realized I might be more than a few steps too far from the closest bathroom. I became a cross between Mt. Vesuvius and a high pressure fire hose. I almost made to the bathroom but not quite. Big gigantic mistake number two.
After a hour of sitting, then an hour of cleanup I was cleansed inside and out and ready to go. I was very nervous about the procedure but after receiving some really excellent drugs I was ready for anything. I remember vaguely my ass hanging out in the wind and a number of people back there talking and looking around. The next thing I remember I was in the recovery room, a much more humble person to be sure.
The good news was that my first colonoscopy experience was over and the bad news was given to me later by the doctor. I’d be required to do this every three years for the rest of my effing life. I wasn’t thrilled about that fact but I understand how important these procedures are to extending my life.
Since that first experience I’ve had three additional colonoscopies and I hate to admit it but I think I’m getting used to them. The first one they knocked me out with drugs, the second one I took a lighter drug dose and was able to remain semi awake and able to listen to the doctors and nurses as they reamed me out. The third one I took an even smaller dose of drugs and was able to talk with the doctor while he was doing the procedure and they even brought in a small television so I could see exactly what the camera stuck up my butt was showing the doctor. I don’t think I’ll do that again because that was a little weird. It was like looking down a long pink and disgusting tunnel. That’s one TV show I think I’ll pass on the next time around. I’ll just stick to the good drugs, take a short nap, and deal with my sore butt later.
I should gladly note that these procedures failed to find any major problems for which I’m exceedingly grateful. They’re actually a very efficient way for early detection and treatment of what could be a life threatening situation. When your told for the first time that you need to have a colonoscopy, just smile, drink your laxatives, and enjoy the drugs. It could save your life.
It’s another day I’ll spend washing joint compound dust from my hair. My better-half and I are quite the drywalling team it would seem. We worked like a well oiled machine today which helped keep the remodel ahead of schedule. The construction has really accelerated with the completion of the hardwood flooring. I always knew that installing a drywall ceiling was going to be a real bitch and I wasn’t far wrong. We were able with the minimum amount of difficulty to get the ceiling installed without a major incident or loss of blood on my part.
As I’ve said many times before I’m really clumsy and every job I’ve ever done requires a quantity of my blood to be sacrificed. Today is the first time in many years where my sacrifice wasn’t required. I’ll be putting the finishing touches to the ceiling tomorrow with the taping of joints and final application of the joint compound. Over the next week I should be able to complete the walls and then prepare for primer and paint. Hooray!
It’s been another weird weather day in Maine and it starting to get old. The morning started out after a night of rain as gray and dismal and typical for March. Just a few hours later the clouds parted and the sun peaked out for an entire fifteen minutes. It appeared we would have a really beautiful day but I was wrong again. As we were working I walked past the window and looked outside a few minutes later and it was snowing a freaking blizzard. It wasn’t quite white-out conditions but it was snowing hard and fast and beginning to accumulate. I got back to work and forgot about the weather for a few minutes and an hour later, no snow. We’d come full circle back to cloudy, dismal, and gray.
This Spring Fever is starting to work on my head and I’m getting the urge to do things I shouldn’t even be thinking about this early in the year. We were shopping in a couple of local stores yesterday and it was all I could do to stay out of the garden centers looking for plants, seeds, and everything Spring. I’ve got it really bad and I fear it’s only going to get worse.
Local retailers are not helping to be certain. There are beginning to receive and display their Spring product lines which is going to force me to stay out of the stores for at least four more weeks. I’ve been fooled in years past when I started buying seeds and plants early which all later died a horrible death. I learned a lesson but the Spring Fever craziness won’t get out of my head. Thank God I have this remodeling project to keep me busy for a few more weeks and it should carry me through into the beginnings of Spring.
My better-half has been on a work-related shopping spree today in between times of helping me with the drywall. She’s in charge of an MDA breakfast tomorrow and she’ll be preparing sausage, eggs, and french toast for fifty or more people. I love that she never hesitates to offer her time and efforts to charities but I just don’t know where she gets the energy. Her energy level has always been amazing and much higher than mine could ever be. I’m sure the event will be a huge success.
I have a few more things to do this afternoon then a nice long hot shower and and some good comfort food to round out my day. I started rereading a series of five ebooks that I purchased some time ago and I’m looking forward to an hour or so of reading. I should sleep well tonight and be ready in the morning to do it all over again. Spring is coming and I need to get these winter projects finished.
OK everyone, let’s all stand up and cheer for the ever so popular ACLU who has again come to the rescue of Americans who have little or no respect for their county or their fellow citizens. It seems that I’m reading a steady stream of ACLU involvement defending indefensible positions much more than in the past. It seems that the Obama administration takes many of the same politically correct positions giving the ACLU the courage to increase their politically active agenda.
Over the years the ACLU has morphed from defending the constitution in many important decisions to an organization more concerned with political activism than the law. It’s an organization comprised of a fanatically driven group of attorneys and liberals desperate to destroy anything that doesn’t fit their concept of what American life should be. The United States was doing fine before this organization came along and in my opinion would be doing much better without it. For most of my adult life I’ve consistently spoken out against the ACLU and it’s policies. Their recent forays into political correctness will speak for themselves:
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In an effort to help Sen. Larry Craig, the American Civil Liberties Union is arguing that people who have sex in public bathrooms have an expectation of privacy. Craig, of Idaho, is asking the Minnesota Court of Appeals to let him withdraw his guilty plea to disorderly conduct stemming from a bathroom sex sting at the Minneapolis airport.
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Did you know that the ACLU has filed a suit to have all military cross-shaped headstones removed and another suit to end prayer from the military completely. They’re making great progress with the help of the Obama administration by banning Navy Chaplains from using the name of Jesus in prayers.
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The Ku Klux Klan has a right to adopt a highway, the American Civil Liberties Union said yesterday, announcing that it would accept the white supremacist group’s request for representation in its dispute with the Georgia Department of Transportation. The ACLU has previously said it views the case as a free speech issue, but its state executive director wouldn’t elaborate further.
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A 12-year-old girl in Minnesota is suing her school with the help of the ACLU because she says administrators made her hand over her Facebook password and poured over her account, reports CNN. The move came after the girl got into trouble for some posts: In one, she wrote that she hated one of the school’s adult hall monitors; in another, a mother complained to the school that the girl was talking about sex on the site with her son, notes Courthouse News Service.
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Genuine death threats don’t tend to come with "LOL" and a smiley face attached, notes the ACLU, which has filed a lawsuit on behalf of three expelled eighth-graders in Indiana. The 14-year-old girls were kicked out of school for a Facebook conversation in which they talked about which classmates they would most like to kill, reports the Wall Street Journal. The ACLU says the girls were just engaged in "teenage banter," and their use of emoticons shows that they were joking.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. The ACLU started out as an organization with high ideals but has turned into more of a subversive group determined to undermine this country. Watch what you say or they’ll be suing you next. They have assumed the role of the PC Police with a little pat on the head from Barack Obama.
everyuselessthing.com 