These limericks were published in New York in 1965. They made their way into my hands via the Northside School Library in Rogers, Arkansas. The last date the book was signed out was on April Fool’s Day in 1967. From reading them I would guess many of them were written in Great Britain, but I’ll note the authors when I can. Enjoy!
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There was a young man of Calcutta
Who spoke with a terrible stutta,
At breakfast he said,
“Get me some b-b-b-bread
And b-b-b-b-b-b-butta.”
😯😯😯
By Robert Louis Stevenson
There once was an old man of the Cape,
Who made himself garments of crepe.
When asked, “Do they tear?”
He replied, “Here and there,
But they’re perfectly splendid for shape!”
😊😊😊
A small boy when asked to spell “yacht,”
Most saucily said, “I will nacht.”
So, his teacher in wrath,
Took a section of lathe,
And warmed him up well on the spacht.
😬😬😬
There was a young bard of Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When they said it was so,
He replied “Yes I know,
But I make a rule of always trying to get just as many words into the last line as I possibly can.”
I’ve never really understood or cared why the Fourth of July is called Independence Day. I know it’s the celebration of the signing of the Declaration of Independence but in this day and age who really cares? It’s just become another excuse to have a long weekend and a day off and to drink and party and be foolish. It seems to me that only a very small percentage of the country really understands what is being celebrated on the Fourth of July.
Many years ago, while on a long weekend to Cape Cod I purchased a T-shirt in a shop in Provincetown. The minute I saw the shirt I knew I had to have it. I continued to wear it for years until it fell apart. I have since purchased another and wear it proudly. It’s a short statement of fact that I’m proud to wear across my chest, “I love my country and fear our government.” A simple yet true statement and even truer today than when I bought it. Mixing politics with patriotism is a dangerous thing and it still scares the hell out of me. Relying on our current crop of inept politicians to keep this county secure and on the right path is frightening at best. For me the Fourth of July is a bogus holiday. We should celebrate it on February 29 (Leap Year), every four years. Here is sample of how one of the Founding Fathers felt about it.
Did you know? John Adams believed that July 2nd was the correct date on which to celebrate the birth of American independence, and would reportedly turn down invitations to appear at July 4th events in protest.
It apparently wasn’t considered an American Holy Day back then. Those poor politicians hadn’t yet discovered the essentials needed to celebrate properly, charcoal brickettes, gas grills, and an endless supply of alcohol and weed. Mix all of that together with a few idiot politicians and you’ve got a real current-day Independence Day celebration.
Being a lover of baseball for most of my life I try to find unusual stories in a game that has been around forever. In most sports you see some games that are considered “tied” with overtime then ordered and special rules making it rather annoying at times. I decided to find out if there ever was truly a tied game in professional baseball. Believe it or not I found that game and coincidentally it involves my home team the Pittsburgh Pirates. Here’s the story.
On August 13, 1910, the Pittsburgh Pirates played the Brooklyn Dodgers. After nine innings the game was tied, but darkness stopped play. The nine inning statistics showed that each team had scored eight runs on 13 hits and committed two errors. Both clubs had sent 38 men to the plate, both sets of fielders were credited with 27 putouts and 12 assists. There were five strikeouts recorded against each team, and each side had given up three walks. It was the evenest game ever played.
Many things occurred in the early years of baseball and were funny and ridiculous at times. Sometimes the players were funny and just as many times the managers were even funnier. Here’s a story from the 1880’s concerning the antics of Brooklyn club president Charles R Byrnes.
What happens when the team doesn’t like one of their own players? Pitcher Johnny “Phenomenal” Smith of Brooklyn found out that it doesn’t pay to be too cocky. Smith was a rookie, and he boasted about his skills at every opportunity. On June 17, 1885, when Smith was pitching, his teammates decided to teach him a valuable lesson. They committed 20 errors, and the Brooklyn team was defeated, 18-5. Phenomenal Smith was angry, but Brooklyn club president Charles Byrnes was even angrier. He threatened to fire every player on the team if they tried such a stunt again. The following day Brooklyn won the game and committed no errors. That’s what I call a serious pep talk.
I’m really not an educated weatherman but I do know one thing for sure, this rain sucks. I’m so sick of these gray and dreary days that only allow us 15 minutes of sunshine a day before the next downpour begins. It’s no wonder that all those smiling and happy folks in Seattle (sarcasm) are so much fun to be around. They have this kind crap weather on a regular basis and that’s bound to have a derogatory effect on them. With that thought in mind I thought I’d throw some additionalWeird Sh*t your way. It won’t stop the rain from continuing but it might make you smile a little.
Bacon affects the brain in the same way as cocaine and heroin, overloading pleasure centers and requiring increasing amounts to be satisfied.
New York City is estimated to have at least 8 million rats, or one rat per person.
In 2006, William Shatner was paid $25,000 from an online casino for a kidney stone he had recently passed.
Benjamin Franklin almost killed himself while trying to electrocute a turkey.
In 1799 a vigilante mob hunted down killer Micajah Harpe and placed his severed head on a pike at a crossroads in Western Kentucky still known as “Harpe’s Head”.
In South Korea, 11% of school-aged youth are considered at high risk for Internet addiction.
In the winter of 1952-53, Thompson Pass near Valdez, Alaska, got 975 inches of snow.
Women can go topless in public in New York City as long as they are not charging money for it.
In 1976, a 7.5 magnitude earthquake killed 23,000 Guatemalans.
During his 1989 appearance on the TV talk show Larry King Live, Donald Trump asked King, “Do you mind if I sit back a little bit because your breath is very bad. It really is.”
“The great poet is always a seer, seeing less with the eyes of the body
than he does with the eyes of the mind.”
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
I’ve been consistently nagged in recent months to post some of my own poetry. It’s not something I do or will do until the poetry gods speak to me. In recent months they’ve been oddly quiet. As with anyone writing poetry a person has to be moved by emotions. Love and hatred are two huge motivators that are fueled by a host of other lesser emotions like a few weeks or months of depression or celebration. Once I’m moved to write poetry it’s to either express a low and morbid mood or I’m flying high with love or joy over something important only to me. Let’s let some experts in on this conversation.
“Poetry should surprise by a fine excess, and not by Singularity – it should strike the Reader as a wording of his own highest thoughts and appear almost a Remembrance.” John Keats (1795-1821)
“Poetry begins . . . when we look from the center outward.” Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
“A poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom.” Robert Frost (1874-1963)
“The world is never the same once a good poem has been added to it.” Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)
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And here is the quote that makes and explains my initial point from the first paragraph.
‘All good poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings: it takes its origin from emotions recollected in tranquility.”
More weirdness from the human race. There seems to be an endless supply and I’m going to eventually post all of it.
The human eye can see only about 3000 stars on the clearest night, even though there are more than 100 billion stars in our galaxy alone.
One medieval theory to explain why a dunked witch would not float was that witches deliberately ate foods that make them fart. The gas would build up in their guts, making them lighter than air, so they could fly.
In Europe in the Middle Ages it was believed that there were over 7 million demons in the air, which could be inhaled or swallowed and would cause disease or make a corpse turned into a vampire.
Thomas Edison filed 1093 patents, including those for the lightbulb, electric railways, and the movie camera. When he died in 1931, he held 34 patents for the telephone, 141 for batteries, 150 for the telegraph, and 389 patents for electric lights and power.
No pain, no gain – in their quest for an hour-glass figure, some of Victorian women wore their corsets so tight that they suffered broken ribs.
During the Middle Ages, mummies became enormously popular as medicine. At first the resin-soaked bandages were thought to be health giving, but eventually the whole mummy, bones, flesh, and all, was ground up and sold to people who would eat it.
Sleepwalking, also known as somnambulism, effects approximately 18% of the world’s population. People are capable of doing all sorts of things while in their sleep, including eating, bathing, and dressing. Some subjects have been recorded driving cars and committing murder while technically asleep.
According to the World Toilet Organization, the average person visits the toilet about 6 to 8 times a day, or 2500 times a year, and spends three years of his or her life sitting on the toilet.
Emetophobia is the fear of vomiting or of being around others who are vomiting. It is the fifth most common phobia according to the International Emetophobia Society.
Diabetes can lead to high levels of sugar in the urine. Before simple test for sugar levels were made available, doctors would taste their patient’s urine to see if it was sweet.
I’ve been blogging for almost 15 years and have written thousands of words. Also, I’ve been addicted to crossword puzzles for my whole life and know thousands of other words. That being said, I recently stumbled across some trivia concerning words and languages and I like to pass them along. I know a lot of words, but I found out I didn’t know as much as I thought I did.
Egyptians, Indians, and Turk’s search for “sex” on Google more than any other nationality. “Hitler” is the most popular in Germany, Austria, and Mexico. The word Nazi is a favorite in Chile, Australia, and Britain. “David Beckham” gets the most hits in Venezuela.
In the Eskimo language Inuktitut, there is a single word meaning “I should try not to become an alcoholic”: Iminngernaveersaartunngortussaavunga.
The words “tomato”, “coyote”, “avocado”, and “chocolate” all come from the Aztec language Nahuatl.
The word “boredom” did not exist in the English language until after 1750.
The “zip” in “zip code” stands for “zone improvement plan”.
An 18-year-old knows approximately 60,000 words, which represents a learning rate of one word per 90 walking minutes from the age of one.
By the age of five, children will have acquired 85% of the language they will have as adults.
The Finnish language has no future tense.
Over just six days in the month of August 1998, The Washington Post devoted 80,289 words to the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
The condition of being unable to release a dart from one’s hand when throwing is known as dartitus.
I like many other people collect quotations from both the living and the dead, famous or not so famous, and at times from the infamous. There are only a few holidays such as Father’s Day and Mother’s Day that strike a melancholy chord with me because for most of my early life, they were the main focus of my love and caring. After my recent posting for Father’s Day, I needed a little pick me up and that’s what these quotations do for me. When I find one that strikes a note with me, I write it down and save it for future use. Here are a few that I’ve saved for years, and I thought I’d share them with you. It’ll make me feel better and I’m sure they will make some of you feel better as well.
“Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.” – Voltaire
“Wisdom isn’t taught; it’s not a science. Wisdom is a tattoo carved into the mind after a lifetime of failures and achievements.” – Jason Bacchetta
“The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Great thoughts speak only to the thoughtful mind, but great actions speak to all mankind.” – Emily P. Bissell
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.” – Bill Vaughan
“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” – Oscar Wilde
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” – Mark Twain
“There’s nothing like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway.” – Mark Burnett
Well, it’s 2023 and time for another Father’s Day. I’m not about to write a lot of sloppy and maudlin feelings about this day but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have special meaning for me. My father and I had an up-and-down relationship for decades but once he accepted my independence and I accepted his role in my life, we became friends. It took 40 years and a triple bypass surgery for him and a whole lot of growing up by me. We had our difficulties and arguments and I miss not having them with him every day, not just on Father’s Day. I’m also a father and a stepfather and a grandfather with relationships with all of these people. The fact that I’m not much of a people-person makes its hard work for me but the end result is rewarding whether I want to admit it or not. With all of that in mind I thought I’d do what I always do and find opinions and thoughts of other people on the same subject and here they are.
“It is much easier to become a father than to be one.” Kent Nerburn (1946)
“What a father kept silent the son speaks out.” Frederick Nietzsche (1844-1900)
“There must always be a struggle between father and son, while one aims at power and the other at independence.” Samuel Johnson 1790-1784
“I learned as a youth that when I defended my rights by open rebellion my father relented, but when I remained meek and submissive, he only cursed and beat me the more.” Mao Tse-tung (1893-1976)
“As long as I have been in the White House, I can’t help waking up at 5 AM and hearing the old man at the foot of the stairs calling and telling me to get out and milk the cows.” Harry S Truman (1884 to 1972)
As you can plainly see, everyone has a different approach to describing their relationship with their father. It’s always complicated and sometimes difficult but everybody seems to work out the problems eventually. It’s after those problems are resolved that a true and deep friendship can blossom. Here’s one of my favorite quotes on the subject by one of my favorite writers, Mark Twain (1835-1910).
“Always obey your parents, when they are present.”
I’ve been promising for some time to post a few bawdy limericks and today’s the day. These four limericks can be rated either “R” or “X” depending on the reader. If you have any children who use your computer, make sure they don’t get to see these. I don’t have much more to say about this post because believe me, it speaks for itself. I hope all of you who requested this posting (and you know who you are) appreciate how uncomfortable it makes me to post this. So here we go.
everyuselessthing.com 