An airplane flying from Houston to Chicago had a very close call. For a while it seemed they were doomed to crash to fiery destruction, but at the last minute the pilot got it under control and landed safely. Out of the plane came 200 midgets. An onlooker said, “I never saw so many midgets in my life.” Said another, “Those aren’t midgets. Those are Texans with the shit scared out of them.
In Hollywood, it is not enough for you to succeed; your friends must fail.
As per Yogi, “You can observe a great deal just by watching.”
Who doesn’t like stereotypes? A Texan had just had a baby son, and he was passing out enormous cigars. “Likeliest little varmint you ever saw,” he said proudly. “He weighs twenty-seven pounds.” Two weeks later, the friend met him and said, “How’s the kid?” “Fine,” said the Texan. “The little tyke weighs sixteen pounds.” The friend looked puzzled. “Why, when he was born you said he weighed twenty-seven pounds.” “I know.” said the Texan, “but we had him circumcised.”
There once was a young plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said the maid, “Cease your plumbing,
I think someone’s coming.”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me!”
At the zoo, a curious woman said to one of those who tended the animals, “How do you tell a male hippopotamus from a female hippopotamus?” The keeper said, “We don’t really have to, ma’am. The hippopotamuses figure it out for themselves.”
There is a story that Mussolini was once stranded in a small town in Italy when his car broke down, To pass the time, he visited a local movie house. Came the newsreel, and, of course, his own face flashed on the screen.
Everyone in the movie house stood up, but Mussolini, feeling tired and feeling no compulsion to stand up in his own honor, remained seated. Whereupon the man next to him whispered, “I feel exactly as you do, but take my advice and stand up. It’s safer.”
He was an American writer and professor of biochemistry at Boston University. A prolific writer, he wrote or edited more than 500 books. He also wrote an estimated 90,000 letters and postcards. Best known for his hard science fiction, Asimov also wrote mysteries and fantasy, as well as a great deal of non-fiction.
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I’ve been a fan of Isaac Asimov, for as long as I can remember. I’ve tried to read everything of his that I could find and have never regretted it. He’s one of the most prolific writers who’ve ever lived and is well-versed in virtually any topic someone would like to talk about. Over the years I’ve also discovered that he was one of the funniest writers as well and has written books of limericks and stories that were outrageously funny. I recently acquired a book of his from 1992 (the year of his death) titled Azimov Laughs Again. It’s a volume of funny stories from his life as well as some of his favorite jokes and limericks. Here are a couple jokes to help get your day started.
Mr. Ginsberg, age 83, went to the doctor for a complete examination head to toe. About halfway through, the doctor was called to the telephone. He said, “Mr. Ginsberg, this will not take more than a few minutes. Here’s a jar. While I am gone, go to the bathroom and place a semen sample in it for examination. Then we’ll continue. “A few minutes later, the doctor indeed returned, and there stood Mr. Ginsberg with the jar- totally empty. “Doctor,” said Mr. Ginsberg. “I did my best. I tried with my right hand, and I tried with my left hand. I even tried with both hands, but nothing happened. The doctor said soothingly, “Now, Mr. Ginsberg, don’t feel embarrassed. At the age of 83, it is quite common to be impotent.” Whereupon Ginsberg said, with towering indignation, “What do you mean, impotent? I couldn’t open the jar.”
Old Mr. Anderson and his equally aged wife were filing for divorce. The judge, eyeing them with astonishment, said, “How old are you, Mr. Anderson?” “Ninety-three”, Your Honor. “And your wife?” “Ninety-one”, Your Honor.” “And how long have you been married?” “Sixty-six years.” “Then why do you want to get a divorce now?” “Well, you know how it is, Your Honor.” We were waiting for the children to die.”
He has an interesting sense of humor and I freaking love it. Here’s a small add-on which is one of his favorite limericks.
I’m not entirely sure why being “first” is so important to so many of us. Everyone wants to be “first” not just in sporting events, but damn near everything. I was the “first” kid in my family to go to college, and it gave my parents something they used to impress their friends. I was also the “first” in the family to drop out of college and join the Army. I sure didn’t get any kudos for that move. Today I decided to research some “firsts” not just from the United States but worldwide. This is also the “first” time I’ve written about “firsts” on this blog. Let me be the “first” to congratulate myself for that.
Barbra Streisand’s first performance was as a chocolate chip cookie.
The first song Bruce Springsteen ever learned to play on the guitar was The Rolling Stones, “It’s All Over Now.”
The first ready to eat breakfast cereal was Shredded Wheat in 1893 (it beat Kellogg’s Corn Flakes by just five years).
The first scientifically planned slimming diet was devised in 1862 by Dr. Harvey, an ear specialist, for an overweight undertaker. At that time dieting was initially something that only men did, and women didn’t start to do it until they stopped wearing figure-altering corsets.
The first dry cleaning was done in 1849 by a Monsieur Jolly-Bellin of France, who discovered the process by mistake when he upset a lamp over a newly laundered tablecloth and found that the part that was covered with alcohol from the lamp was cleaner than the rest.
Peter Sellers was the first male to ever be featured on the cover of Playboy.
Cuba Gooding Jr’s first job was as a dancer for Lionel Richie at the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics.
The world’s first traffic island was installed – at his own expense – by Colonel Pierrepoint outside his London club. It’s also ironic that he was later killed crossing over to it.
Courtney Cox was the first person on U.S. TV ever to use the word period in an ad for Tampax.
Gustav Mahler composed his first piece of music at the age of four, Sergei Prokofiev composed his first piece of music at age five, and Wolfgang Mozart was just eight when he composed his first symphony.
I for one dislike the media as much as anyone. Not that they’ve ever had anything bad to say about me personally but I hate how they consistently mislead the public by slanting their stories either to the left or to the right. I think the leftwing as it currently exists is pitiful and vicious. What gets ratings pleases their corporate owners and their promotion of inhouse biases. The right wing is just as bad, and they never hesitate to pull the same lame stunts that the left wing uses. The victims in all of this are “We the People”. I thought I’d do a little research and look back through the records to see how other people thought and felt about the media in years past. Some of these posted opinions remain anonymous and with good reason. Many of the others are opinions about the media by some of their other victims, primarily celebrities and people of wealth. Let’s see what you think.
“The mission of the modern newspaper is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” Anonymous
“I always said that when we don’t have to go through you bastards, we can really get our story over to the American people.” John Fitzgerald Kennedy – 1962
“The press is like the peculiar uncle you keep in the attic – just one of those unfortunate things.” G. Gordon Liddy
“Tabloids are fast reading for the slow thinking.” Anonymous
“The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.” Samuel Butler
“An editor should have a pimp for a brother, so he’d have someone to look up to.” Gene Fowler
“The freedom of the press works in such a way that there is not much freedom from it.” Princess Grace of Monaco
“The most truthful part of a newspaper is the advertisements.” Thomas Jefferson
“The most guileful among the reporters are those who appear friendly and smile and seem to be supportive. They are the ones who seek to gut you on every occasion.” Mayor Ed Koch – 1984
“Mother (Bess Truman) considered a press conference on a par with a visit to a cage of cobras.” Margaret Truman
And here’s one of my all-time favorite quotes about the media. This is from the man who received the ultimate media related colonoscopy and deserved every minute and inch of it.
“People in the media say they must look at the president with
a microscope. Now I don’t mind a microscope, but boy, when
It’s been said too many times that everyone is constantly looking for their fifteen minutes of fame. It probably explains the popularity of much of social media and especially Tik Tok. I’m not saying that it’s a good thing or a bad thing because who really cares what I think. True fame is achieved in other ways after you’ve proven yourself over a number of years or decades and the then almost certainly after your death. Here are a number of examples of delayed fame, for what it’s worth.
Jonas Bronck, a Swedish settler, lends his name to a section of New York City called the Bronx.
The dance called the Lindy Hop was named after famous American aviator Charles Lindbergh.
One of Florida’s most populous cities, Jacksonville, was named for its former territorial governor, Andrew Jackson.
Block Island in the state of Rhode Island was named for Dutch explorer Adrien Block.
The Metrodome in Minneapolis is named for Hubert Humphrey, a famous Minnesota senator and presidential candidate.
The city of Chicago has a natural history museum and a department store chain named for Marshall Field. It is the Field Museum of Natural History and the retail chain, Marshalls.
Kentucky’s favorite son, Davy Crockett, has a national forest appropriately named for the legendary frontiersman.
The city of Santa Anna, California, named their airport to honor the “Duke”, John Wayne.
Cleveland Ohio’s best-known city park was named for one of the city’s best-known and richest residents, John D. Rockefeller.
The Harvard School of Government in Boston was named for John Fitzgerald Kennedy, a Massachusetts-born president.
I’ve already established my fame hundreds and thousands of times all across this country and the world. Every time you say the words, “I’m going to the john”, you’ll be carrying on my legacy and fame forever.
It seems that sports are on everyone’s mind currently between basketball finals, the NFL draft, and the newly published NFL season schedules for 2024. I thought I’d participate a little myself. I like some sports but not all, but I like humorous and odd stories regardless of the sport even more. Today I’m going to touch on golf and baseball for some interesting trivia and a few smiles and laughs.
Harpo Marx
George Burns
Hillcrest Country Club in California has long been a favorite of Hollywood entertainers. One August day comedians George Burns and Harpo Marx came to the club to play a round of golf. The thermometer registered over 100° and the two decided to play without their shirts. But then the course officials heard about the shirtless golfers and rushed out to find them. “Rules are rules, you can’t play without a shirt and there are no exceptions.” they exclaimed. The comedians put their shirts back on and started to play. The officials made their way back to the clubhouse. A few minutes later, someone came rushing in with the news, “Burns and Marx are playing without their pants!” Again, the committee raced out to the course and sure enough Burns and Marx had their shirts on, but they had removed her pants were playing in their undershorts. Harpo Marx reminded the committee of the rulebook. It says we can’t play without shirts. But show me the rule that says we can’t play without pants. The officials were licked, and they knew it. There and then a new rule was made: All-male players could take off their shirts, but they had to wear pants at all times. I love it when a plan comes together.
Henry Heitman
If there is a record for the shortest major league career by a pitcher, it belongs to a right-handed pitcher named Henry Heitman. On July 27, 1918, Heitmann started a game for the Brooklyn Dodgers against the St. Louis Cardinals. The first four batters all hit safely and Heitmann was sent to the showers immediately. A few days later he enlisted in the United States Navy and never played major-league baseball again. That’s what I call a short career.
Bobby Jones
Bobby Jones was one of the greatest golfers ever, winning dozens of tournaments before he retired in 1930. One day in 1920, playing in the Southern Amateur Tournament at New Orleans, Jones found himself with an unexpected problem. One of his drives landed inside an old shoe that was resting on top of a workman’s wheelbarrow. After deciding not to take a penalty for dropping the ball out of the shoe, he found a novel solution to his problem. He played the shoe. The immortal Bobby smacked the shoe which flew off the wheelbarrow and the ball flew out of the shoe and kept rolling, finally stopping only a few feet from the green. Jones chipped onto the green and holed out for a par. Professionals always find a way.
I’m feeling especially nostalgic today and I’m not sure exactly why. I do enjoy looking back to times that make me smile or laugh out loud which brings me immediately back to the 1990’s. I’m going to relive a few things concerning the 42nd President, Wild Bill Clinton, and his charming yet annoying pant-suited wife Hilary. I admit that Joe Biden is something of an idiot but not in a good way. Clinton was up front about most of his idiotic proclivities because we all knew he was just a six-foot-tall penis looking for a place to play. Also, being married to Hilary garnered him a great deal of sympathy from both the Right and the Left. As a couple they were the best targets for ridicule in decades. Never let it be said that I didn’t give an appropriate mention of his favorite cigar toting pal, Monica Lewinsky (the human humidifier).
Here are a few interesting quotes that will bring back all of the memories of those disturbing years.
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Bill, referring to an excavated Incan mummy.
“You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That’s a good looking mummy!”
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Bill, after receiving the Romanian flag while visiting there.
“Thanks for the poncho.”
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Bill, on the UN operation in Bosnia.
“It has not worked. No one can say it has worked, so I decided that we’re either going to do what we said we’re going to do with the UN, or we’re going to do something else.”
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Now for a couple pearls of wisdom from his loving yet understanding better-half.
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President.”
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“Give Bill a second term, and Al Gore and I will be turned loose to do what we really want to do.”
Actual geniuses are rare. While most people hold them in awe after their deaths, they’re lives are sometimes difficult and a little strange. They are usually so involved with their projects and inventions, that everything else is no longer something that interests them. Many are anti-social and virtual recluses. There always seems to be a balance of sorts. Super intelligence balanced with a lack of social graces or concerns with others. It’s a terrible price to pay. Here are a few trivia tidbits of some of our better-known geniuses.
Thomas Edison established an “invention factory” with the hope of producing one new invention every ten days. In one four year period he obtained 300 patents, or one every five days. In all he patented nearly 1300 inventions.
Alexander Graham Bell was working to improve the telegraph when he invented the telephone.
Charles Dickens believed that to get a really good night’s sleep the bed must be aligned north to south. In this manner, he thought, the magnetic currents would flow straight through the recumbent body.
The botanist, George Washington Carver, who is best known for his pioneering work with peanuts, developed 536 dyes when experimenting with plant leaves, fruits, stems, and roots.
Ben Franklin
Margaret Mead’s first foray into the observation of human behavior occurred before she was a teenager. As a young person of eight or nine years, she recorded the patterns of speech of her younger sisters.
Ben Franklin was cautious in performing his famous kite experiment in which he charged a Leyden jar with electricity drawn from the clouds. The first two men who tried to duplicate his experiment were electrocuted.
Lewis Carroll, by his own account, wrote 98,721 letters in the last thirty-seven years of his life.
There was an intention in 1912 of giving a Nobel Prize jointly to Nickola Tesla and Thomas Edison. Both were deserving of the honor but Tesla refused because of his intense dislike of Edison. The Nobel Prize was instead given to a Swedish inventor of lesser merit.
Born: December 10, 1830, Died: May 15, 1886 (aged 55)
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I’m something of a fan of serious poetry and an even bigger fan of those bawdy limericks I post so often. I guess I’m simply a fan of creative people who aren’t afraid to bare their souls to us. I’ve noticed over the years that creative types are a breed all their own. Many are looked upon as being a little strange or weird which has always seemed unfair. Being strange or weird for me is a badge of honor. Let me share the following with you.
Emily Dickinson, whose poetry thrills millions today, fantasized about the earth and sky and heaven itself, but left her home state, Massachusetts, exactly once, and that was to visit her father in Washington DC. She became such a recluse that she would not stay in the same room with her guests but would speak to them from an adjoining room.
Only seven of her poems were published in her lifetime. After her death in 1886, over 1,000 poems were discovered in a bureau. They were subsequently published, but often after word and punctuation changes were made by overzealous editors. A definitive edition of her works did not appear until the 1950’s.
As with all artists and other creative types, you never seem to get the recognition and fame you deserve until you’re dead.
I’m fairly certain that most women in this county at one time or another have drooled over Brad Pitt. He’s been the epitome of male sexuality for many years and many women. I’ve even heard a large number of female celebrities gushing over him on the endless talk shows that fill the TV air. I’m also willing to bet he’s had his fill of the notoriety as reflected by some of his statements over the years. Thanks to Uncle John for supplying me with the following quotes of a few male celebrities who’ve stated, “I’m no Brad Pitt”.
“I’m certainly not Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt.” Jason Stratham
“The real challenge is if you don’t look super sexy, like Brad Pitt, you’re going to have to try harder.” Jack Black
“If I could be anyone, it would be Brad Pitt.” David Fincher
“I’m clearly not Brad Pitt, and I’m never going to be Brad Pitt.” Paul Giamatti
“Unless you look like Brad Pitt, it’s really hard to have full control of your character.” Vincent Donofrio
“No matter what heights you achieve, even if you are Brad Pitt, the slide is coming, sure as death and taxes.” James Caan
“In this business, you’re either Brad Pitt right away, or you’re already going down the ladder.” Skeet Ulrich
“For me, personally, I’m a 5’5″ leading man. I’m no Brad Pitt or anything.” Jeremy Luke
And last but not least a quote from the famous and handsome Brad Pitt.
everyuselessthing.com 