Archive for the ‘football’ Tag

11-08-2015–Useless or Useful Factoids!   Leave a comment

thWDKS8043

Today feels exceptionally uninteresting.  It’s a little blah, a little gray, and a little cold which means I’m suffering from a total lack of interest.  I was just advised by my better-half that I’d be spending the better part of this day being dragged along on her shopping safari.  Thank God I recharged my Kindle last night so I’m now good to go. That means I get to sit in the car and read while she shops.

If I use my head and offer up a little charm I might just convince her to buy me some sort of breakfast.  I have a serious need for bacon and I need it right now.  I swear it’s a worse addiction than cigarettes or coffee.  It’s maybe the only thing that keeps these shopping forays bearable for me.

th81R8YIBY

This blog needs a bit of a breather from stories about my life and times. Today I’ll supply the world with a few really useless but possibly interesting tidbits of information.  It’s been a while since I’ve dished out a dose of these factoids and today’s the day.  Here we go . . .

  • The average American two-car garage is 25 percent bigger than the average Tokyo home.
  • The European Union exports more to Switzerland than to China.
  • During the first year of the Nazi invasion of the Soviet Union, the Red Army issued 800,000 death  sentences to it’s own soldiers.
  • The first year in which there was no recorded lynching of a black American was 1952.
  • There were 658 suicide bombings around the world in 2007 – more than double the number in any of the previous twenty-five years. Afghanistan and Iraq were responsible for 542 of them.

I didn’t say that all of the factoids would be funny or uplifting because life on this planet leaves a lot to be desired at times.

  • In 1976, the United States had 30 percent of the world’s college students. By 2006, that had dropped to 14 percent.
  • Intel employees collectively send or read 3 million emails a day.
  • The Mafia accounts for 7 percent of the Italian GDP, more than any single business.
  • There are as many fake doctors practicing in India as real ones.
  • The average male orgasm lasts eight seconds, the average female orgasm twenty seconds.

I guess that last one explains a lot of things.  Women not only orgasm longer but get to have multiples as well. That’s just unfair.

  • In the United States, adult bookshops outnumber McDonald’s restaurants three to one.
  • Napoleon often masturbated before going into battle.
  • Red Bull is illegal in Norway, Denmark, and Ireland.
  • In 2007, twenty-four people killed themselves jumping under Paris Metro trains. On the New York City Subway the figure was twenty-six, and on the London Underground fifty.
  • Men produce twice as much saliva as women.

I think that’s enough for today. I wouldn’t want you to overdose on all this useless stuff.  It’s Sunday, watch some football, drink a beer or two, eat some nacho’s and belch like you have a pair.   That’s what I call “a day of rest”.

HAPPY SUNDAY

09-01-2013   Leave a comment

Not being a huge football or sports fan has distinct advantages for me.  I can ridicule any team at any time for any reason and I do as often as I can.  It’s difficult because so many people admire, desire, and worship these football heroes (I use the term loosely) that they’ll attack anyone who isn’t awed by the mere sight of them.  My hero worshiping days were short lived after all of the scandals: cheating, lying, steroid use, and criminal activities.  No more sports heroes for me thank you very much.  I’ll stick to the real heroes, our servicemen and women who sacrifice so these hulks can make millions of dollars and be praised by the masses.

Here are a few notable quotes, past and present, by some of those sports heroes.  Thank God all of their colleges found a way to help them graduate.

* * *

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season…"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Joe Theismann

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for four years, not Princeton."

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: "I’ve won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: "We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play."

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’ "

* * *

What more needs to be said?  The more they insist on standing up and talking to the media the more material I’ll have for postings like this.  Keep close tabs on your sports programs for those pregame, half-time, and post game interviews.  They’re almost as entertaining as the games.

08-28-2013   Leave a comment

Football Season is fast approaching and for those of you who are fanatical, you’re probably already in a serious state of FAN (Football Arousal Narcosis).  You find yourself sexually aroused by wide screen HD televisions, satellite NFL packages, and the occasional busty cheerleaders. I must warn you that you’re playing with fire.  Sometime in January when the end of the season is approaching and the withdrawal starts setting in you may find yourself becoming sexually attracted to Terry Bradshaw.  If that happens proceed directly to rehab, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.

I’m not a sports fanatic in any way, shape, or form.  The only sports I watch religiously are as many games of the Little League World Series as I can. Those games seem more real and genuine to me than watching a bunch of grown men spending more than three hours to play nine innings of baseball for a few million dollars a year and all the steroid and drug enhancements they can consume.  This time of the year is when the pregame and postgame analysis programs kidnap prime time TV and fill the airways with an ungodly number of continuous sports metaphors and clichés.  It makes me just a little crazy.

Unfortunately those metaphors have slowly and insidiously made their way into our daily language.  If you didn’t already know that, WAKE UP.  We have "ballpark figures", "drop back and punt", and "going the whole nine yards". It’s also a sprint, a boxing match, even a demolition derby. It has leaders and trailers, boasts knockout punches, and will go down to the wire, the buzzer, or the final whistle.” Check these out:

“I was blind-sided by all the talk about the mortgage and someone else bought the house before me.”

“Critics of President Obama used bump and run tactics to impede the implementation of a Republican directive.”

“When Tom retired Larry carried the ball for the next 9 months and the project was completed.”

“If we get the new machinery, we will be dancing in the zone in September.”

‘”Paul fumbled the sale when he failed to return the client’s call.”

“The Democrats game plan totally revolved around the promise of jobs.”

“The lawyers decided to settle after a brief huddle.”

“After John’s failure to win the building contract, his colleagues only made things worse with their Monday morning quarterbacking.

“President Obama caves in over and over again. He punts on first down.” 

These examples are just the tip of the iceberg.  As we progress through the season begin listening carefully to the everyday newscasters, pundits, and anyone else speaking to you from your television screen.  You’ll be absolutely amazed.

AND FOR MY LATER FATHER’S BENEFIT – GO STEELERS!

%d bloggers like this: