Archive for the ‘Celebrities’ Category

12/22/2022 “Christmas Humor”   Leave a comment

It’s important to maintain a sense of humor with all of the anticipated stresses of these holidays. Here are two quotes and a hilarious joke that will hopefully put a smile on your face. Enjoy . . .

***

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal. He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then so she can point out a pair she’d like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys. The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realizing. As a result, the sister gets the gloves, and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.

***

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”

Shirley Temple

***

Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it: “I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she’d been wearing for the last three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

***

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”

Bernard Manning

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There’s no doubt that other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

***

WE ALL NEED A LAUGH – IT’S ABOUT TO GET CRAZY

3 DAYS LEFT

12/20/2022 🎄A Twain Christmas🎄   Leave a comment

I’ve been a fan of Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) since my early teens. His subtle sense of humor and satirical skills captured me immediately. His story telling is as good as it gets which is why after more than sixty-five years, I can still recall passages from his books as well as descriptions of the characters he skillfully created. In 1875, Mark Twain wrote a letter to his daughter Susie, who was three years old at the time. He conveys beautifully the spirit of Christmas and his love for his daughter. Unfortunately, she passed away at the age of twenty-four. Here is a copy of that letter. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

“A Letter From Santa Claus” by Mark Twain

My Dear Susie Clemens,

I have received and read all the letters which you and your little sister have written me. I can read your and your baby sister’s jagged and fantastic marks without any trouble at all. But I had trouble with those letters which you dictated through your mother and the nurses, for I am a foreigner and cannot read English writing well. You will find that I made no mistakes about the things which you and the baby ordered in your own letters – I went down your chimney at midnight when you were asleep and delivered them all myself – and kissed both of you, too. But there were one or two small orders which I could not fill because we ran out of stock …

There was a word or two in your mama’s letter which I took to be “a trunk full of doll’s clothes.” Is that it? I will call at your kitchen door about nine o’clock this morning to inquire. But I must not see anybody, and I must not speak to anybody but you. When the kitchen doorbell rings, George must be blindfolded and sent to the door. You must tell George he must walk on tiptoe and not speak—otherwise he will die someday. Then you must go up to the nursery and stand on a chair or the nurse’s bed and put your ear to the speaking tube that leads down to the kitchen and when I whistle through it you must speak in the tube and say, “Welcome, Santa Claus!” Then I will ask whether it was a trunk you ordered or not. If you say it was, I shall ask you what color you want the trunk to be and then you must tell me every single thing in detail which you want the trunk to contain. Then when I say “Good-by and a merry Christmas to my little Susy Clemens,” you must say “Good-by, good old Santa Claus, I thank you very much.” Then you must go down into the library and make George close all the doors that open into the main hall, and everybody must keep still for a little while.

I will go to the moon and get those things and in a few minutes I will come down the chimney that belongs to the fireplace that is in the hall – if it is a trunk you want – because I couldn’t get such a thing as a trunk down the nursery chimney, you know. If I should leave any snow in the hall, you must tell George to sweep it into the fireplace, for I haven’t time to do such things. George must not use a broom, but a rag – else he will die someday. If my boot should leave a stain on the marble, George must not holystone it away. Leave it there always in memory of my visit; and whenever you look at it or show it to anybody you must let it remind you to be a good little girl. Whenever you are naughty and someone points to that mark which your good old Santa Claus’s boot made on the marble, what will you say, little sweetheart?

Good-by for a few minutes, till I come down to the world and ring the kitchen doorbell.

Your loving Santa Claus
Whom people sometimes call
“The Man in the Moon”

MERRY CHRISTMAS

And thank you Mark.

12/11/2022 “The Young”   Leave a comment

Growing up I always wondered what I might do with my life but nothing every grabbed me and ignited a passion. It took me years of struggling and foolishness before I was able to decide the direction I wanted to take. That being said I never had an all-consuming passion from an early age for anything (except possibly for drawing) like some people have been lucky to find. I see my grandchildren now and I wonder as much as they do in what direction they may go. Through the centuries people at very young ages have done some amazing things. I thought I’d pass along a few of them today. Read these, then look at your kids and grandkids, and try and guess where they’re headed.

At the Age of 2

  • Tenzin Gyatso is declared to be the Dalai Lama.
  • Judy Garland launches her stage career.
  • Husan-t’ung becomes the final emperor of China.
  • Isabella the second ascends to the Spanish throne.

At the Age of 3

  • Tiger Woods shoots a 48 for nine holes on his hometown golf course in Cypress, California.
  • Albert Einstein speaks for the first time.
  • Ivan the Terrible becomes the Grand Prince of Moscow.
  • Alice Lindell first meets Charles Dodgson (pen name of Lewis Carroll) who was the inspiration for the book Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

At the Age of 4

  • Kim Ung-Yong, with an estimated IQ of 200, speaks fluent Korean, English, Japanese, and German.
  • Andre Agassi hits tennis balls for 15 minutes with Jimmy Connors, then the world’s top player.
  • Malcolm Little – who later changes his name to Malcolm X – watches as his family’s home was burned down by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
  • Bob Hope emigrates from England to the United States.

At the Age of 5

  • Debra Wilson, mountain climber, skills a 4000-foot peak.
  • Christopher Robin Milne hears the first “Winnie the Pooh” story, with himself as the main character, made up by his father, A. A.
  • Charlie Chaplin appears with his mother on the vaudeville stage.
  • Christina becomes the Queen-elect of Sweden.

At the Age of 6

  • Shirley Temple receives an honorary Oscar for her contribution to film.
  • Marie Grosholtz – better known later as Mme. Tussaud – first works with wax.
  • Warren Buffett, peerless Wall Street investor-to-be, earns profits by selling Coca-Cola to his friends.
  • Ron Howard stars as Opie in TV’s The Andy Griffith Show.
  • Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart gives keyboard concerts across Europe.
  • Clara Hirschfield, called “Tootsie” by her father, a confectioner, is honored to have his new candy, the “Tootsie Roll”, named for her.

NOW FOR ME

Age 2 – Discovered I liked milk and my first breast.

Age 3 – Discovered my hands and feet.

Age 4 – Learned my first curse word.

Age 5 – Drew my first sketch.

Age 6 – Created my first ridiculous cartoon character.

SLOW BUT STEADY PROGRESS

11/30/2022 “Football Geniuses”   1 comment

These last few weeks I’ve been inundated with football facts, game reviews and a general feeling of unease. That means that I’ve got no dog in the Super Bowl hunt this year. Without a team to support I find almost everything else a little boring. I’m not by any stretch of the imagination an avid sports fan and now I remember why. I’ve always been bored watching games but listening to the hundreds of so-called experts’ blather on and on makes me nauseous. I’ve dug down deep into my trivia files and have found a few interesting quotes from some of our gallant football gladiators. Here they are . . .

  • “If you can’t make the putts and can’t get the man in from second on the bottom of the ninth, you’re not going to win enough football games in this league, and that’s the problem we had today.” Sam Rutigliano – Cleveland Browns coach
  • “He fakes a bluff.” Ron Fairly – New York Giants commentator
  • “I don’t care what the tape says. I didn’t say it.” Ray Malavasi – St. Louis Rams coach
  • “I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.” Terry Bradshaw, player/announcer
  • “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.” Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints general manager
  • “I want to rush for 1000 or 1500 yards, whichever comes first.” George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back
  • “He (his coach) treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver

RAH! RAH! RAH!

11/19/2022 “Weird & Fake”   Leave a comment

I’ve talked about “Fake News” in the past and it seems to be a current buzz word when talking about the politicians and media. What many people don’t realize is that fake news is nothing new. It’s been around forever. For years as I grew up, I accompanied my mother and two ex-wives on food shopping trips. While they were checking out, I had the misfortune of killing time reading some of the cheesy tabloids available at the registers. They were full of impossible news items which were funny as hell but hopefully only a fool would have thought any of them to be true. Here is a small collection of headlines from that era that will bring a smile to your face.

1993

BAT WITH A HUMAN FACE

TOWN ELECTS MIDGET POLICE CHIEF

BABY CATCHES BULLET WITH HIS GUMS

KID WITH 3 ARMS IS BASEBALL SENSATION

JUNK FOOD CAUSES TEENS TO WORSHIP THE DEVIL

MY WIFE’S GOST STILL COOKS, CLEAN & IRONS MY SHIRTS

HUMAN JELLYFISH SAYS RUB MY BELLY

WHALE EATERS UNITE

MAN KILLED BY FALLING BIBLE

SWORD SWALLOWER LAUGHED SO HARD HE SLIT HIS THROAT

GOLIATH’S SKULL FOUND IN HOLY LAND

STADIUM HAS SPECIAL AREA FOR NUDISTS

SECRET INGREDIENT IN NEW SKIN CREAM – GOBS OF HUMAN FAT

CHURCH COMMUNION CAN SPREAD AIDS

MAN GIVES GIRLFRIEND PERFUME MADE FROM HIS OWN SWEAT

THIS IS TRULY FAKE NEWS

11/17/2022 “TV”   Leave a comment

This post will be rather shorter than my usual efforts due in part to a rather unpleasant afternoon ahead of me. I’m two hours away from my seventh colonoscope (that’s right, I said seven) and my mind is wandering elsewhere (like right around my ass). That being said I’d like to quickly entertain you with some interesting quotes concerning our society’s obsession with TV. I’m addicted myself and have a love/hate relationship with my addiction and all of my TV’s. Here’s what some profession media types think.

Anonymous TV Quote

“The electronic device that intersperses gory slaughter with the brushing of teeth.”

Woody Allen

In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.”

Daid Frost

“TV is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home.”

Samuel Goldwyn

“Why should people go out and pay to see bad films when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing?”

T.S. Eliot

Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time and yet remain lonesome.”

Lily Tomlin

“If you read a lot of books, your considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.”

Frank Zappa

I can’t understand why anybody would want to devote their life to a cause like dope. It’s the most boring pastime I can think of. It ranks a close second to television.”

Groucho Marx

“I find television very educating. Every time someone turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book.”

I really have to agree with most of these critics and at the same time I feel I’ve just been royally chastised for enjoying my addiction. Although, I shouldn’t be too surprised. I’ve had a number of addictions over the years and there were always plenty of so-called experts around to offer their opinions. So, to remain consistent I’ll ignore these experts like I’ve ignored all the others. They have their nerve!

TV SUCKS, AND I STILL LOVE IT.

11/15/2022 “Female Wisdom”   Leave a comment

I collect many books of odd and interesting information but a few weeks ago I found something in a box that surprised me. Stuck between two other stacks of papers was a small paperback book of only 63 pages. It is titled Womens Wit and Wisdom and was published in 2000. One chapter caught my eye concerning quotations from various women from various years with their thoughts on Life. Here are a few.

  • “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard there’s nothing you can do.” Golda Meir 1973
  • “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” Lucille Ball 1989
  • “I was thirty-seven when I went to work writing my column. I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security, and too tired for an affair.” Erma Bombeck 1979
  • “Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.” Coco Chanel 1956
  • “It is better to be looked over than overlooked.” Mae West 1967

  • “Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.” Lillian Hellman 1939
  • “At the end of your life you will never regret not having passed one more test, winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. You will regret the time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend or parent.” Barbara Bush 1990
  • “Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.” Carol Burnett 1986
  • “Suddenly you find at the age of fifty, that a whole new life has opened before you, as if a fresh sap of ideas and thoughts was rising in you.” Agatha Christie 1977″
  • “My friends have made the story of my life. In a thousand ways they have turned my limitations into beautiful privileges and enabled me to walk serene and happy in a shadow cast by my deprivation.” Helen Keller 1903

I’M GLAD I FOUND THIS BOOK

11/11/2022 “Samuel Clemens”   2 comments

Samuel Langhorne Clemens (November 30, 1835 – April 21, 1910)

I first became a fan of Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain as a youngster. I was quite the reader at a very young age and was instantly captivated by the story of Tom Sawyer and his adventures along and on the Mississippi river. That’s when I discovered one of my first “Happy Places”, my ability to get totally consumed by a book. That ability has served me well for more than seventy years and it still makes me happy. He lived an adventurous life and is famous for his biting sense of humor. Here’s why.

  • “Always do right. This greatly gratifies some people and astonish the rest.”
  • “When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”
  • “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
  • “It takes your enemy and your friend working together to hurt you to the heart: one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.”
  • “Man is the only animal that blushes – or needs to.”

  • “Familiarity breeds contempt . . . and children.”
  • “Confession may be good for my soul, but it sure plays hell with my reputation.”
  • “Good breeding exists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”
  • “It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.”
  • “I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.”

And finally, one of my all-time favorite quotes from Mr. Clemens which could apply to so many things.

“Noise prevents nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.”

PICK UP A GOOD BOOK AND LOSE YOURSELF

11/09/2022 Losing Your Virginity   Leave a comment

What’s a day without a load of trivial and useless information. If you want to know everything about celebrity’s losing their virginities this is the place to be today. In no particular order.

Jimi Hendrix – age 12

Johnny Depp – age 13

Clint Eastwood – age 14

David Duchovny – age 14

Bruce Willis – age 14

Michael Caine age 15

Charlie Sheen age 15

Madonna age 15

Victoria Beckham – age 17

Brad Pitt age 18

Leonardo DiCaprio – age 18

Brooke Shields – age 18

Mira Sorvino – age 20

Mariah Carey – age 23

Lisa Kudrow – age 31

I LOST MINE AT AGE 14 WITH SANDRA

11/05/2022 “Sports Experts”   Leave a comment

I can’t tell you how many times in my life that I’ve been assured by so-called experts that things were good and ten minutes later another so-called expert is screaming “doom and gloom”, it’s damn confusing. It’s amazes me how many experts or so-called experts exist especially when discussing sports. Let’s look into sports a little and listen to the real experts.

BASEBALL

  • “If Jesus were on the field he’d be pitching inside and breaking up double plays. He’d be giving high fives to the other guys.” Tim Burke, Montréal Expos pitcher
  • “They shouldn’t throw at me. I’m the father of five or six kids.” Tito Fuentes, National League infielder
  • “I am a four-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife.” Mike Greenwell, Boston Red Sox outfielder

FOOTBALL

  • “Man, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.” Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
  • “I don’t care what the tape says. I didn’t say it.” Ray Malavasi, St. Louis Rams coach
  • “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” Joe Theismann, player/commentator

BASKETBALL

  • “Left-hand, right-hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.” Charles Shackleford, North Carolina State player
  • “I have won at every level, except college and pro.” Shaquille O’Neal, former Los Angeles Laker player
  • “A lot is said about defense, but at the end of the game, the team with the most points wins- the other team loses.” Isaiah Thomas

SOCCER

  • “If we play like that every week, we wouldn’t be so inconsistent.” Bryan Robeson
  • “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” Unnamed senior, University of Pittsburgh
  • “What I said to them at halftime would be unprintable on the radio.” Gerry Francis
  • “He’s one of those footballers whose brains are in his head.” Derek Johnstone

YOU KNOW, I THINK I’M AN EXPERT TOO!