Archive for the ‘Just Saying’ Category
I know that most people have all of their attention with Christmas involved with the buying and wrapping of gifts. While that is important to all of the kids, as an adult I’m in it for the food. For me Christmas is just a second Thanksgiving with gifts and a new list of foods for me to pig out on. Candy canes, cookies, fudges, brownies, pies, little cakes, and SUGAR, SUGAR, SUGAR!! Bring it on Santa, I’m ready to devour it all. So, folks, here are some limericks about food from a serious and chubby “foodie”. Enjoy!
🍷🍷🍷
A cheese that was aged and gray
Was walking and talking one day.
Said the cheese, “Kindly note
My mama was a goat
And I’m made out of curds by the whey.”
🍗🍗🍗
There was an old lady of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To the household’s disgust
She emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, “Where am I?”
🍜🍜🍜
There was an old man from the Rhine
Who was asked at what hour he’d dine.
He replied, “At eleven,
At three, six, and seven,
At eight and a quarter to nine.”
🍦🍦🍦
There was a young man of Calcutta
Who spoke with a terrible stutta.
At breakfast he said,
“Give me some b-b-b-bread
And a pat of b-b-b-b-butta.”
2 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
❤️🎀❤️
With Christmas just a few days away the amount of media cheer has left me wondering. Over the years my disregard for organized religion has been consistent. I just don’t understand that people who consider themselves religious never complain about the bastardization of their holidays. I may not be religious, but the vast majority of Americans apparently are. Why so quiet? Why no outrage? I just don’t understand. I’ve made a point of learning as much as I could about most of the world’s religions and I’ve read all of their sacred documents. I felt it only right that if I were going to criticize a thing, I should know what the hell I’m talking about. I fear that is not the case for most people. As I’ve read my way through volumes of writings, I’ve also stumbled onto a lot of things I never knew and a lot I could have done without knowing. Let’s see how much of the following information you’ve ever heard before. That’s right, it’s a pre-Christmas POP Quiz.
- The name of God is not mentioned in only one book of the Bible. Which one? The Book of Esther
- What kind of wood was used to make Noah’s Ark? Gopher wood, according to Genesis 6:14
- How much time did Jonah spend in the belly of the whale? Three days and three nights.
- What day of the week is the Sabbath for Muslims? Friday
- How old was Moses when he died? 120 years, according to the Bible (Deuteronomy 34:7)
- In the Bible, which of the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse rides a red horse? War (Book of Revelations)
- In the Bible, who did the sun and moon’s stand still before? Joshua. The passages in Joshua 10:12-13
- According to early Christian theologians, how many grades of Angels are there? Nine. The hierarchy of angels, from highest ranked lowest, is seraphim, cherubim, thrones, dominions, virtues, powers, principalities, archangels and angels.
- According to the Bible, what weapons was the Philistine giant Goliath carrying when he was slain by David? A sword and a spear, according to I Samuel 17:45.
- What is the meaning of orbium phonographicorum theca, one of the words the Vatican has added to the Latin language in a bid to keep it up to date? Discotheque.
Well, after reading all of that information I think I’m really ready for Christmas. How many answers did you really and truthfully get correct? I listed most of these questions primarily for a few people that I know who claim knowledge of the Bible and quote it to me often. I’m reasonably sure none of them knew any of the answers to those questions. If they haven’t read this blog posting our next meeting is going to be really interesting when I start asking some of these questions directly to them. That would be pure unadulterated holiday fun.
FOUR SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I’ve been a fan of Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) since my early teens. His subtle sense of humor and satirical skills captured me immediately. His story telling is as good as it gets which is why after more than sixty-five years, I can still recall passages from his books as well as descriptions of the characters he skillfully created. In 1875, Mark Twain wrote a letter to his daughter Susie, who was three years old at the time. He conveys beautifully the spirit of Christmas and his love for his daughter. Unfortunately, she passed away at the age of twenty-four. Here is a copy of that letter. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.
“A Letter From Santa Claus” by Mark Twain
My Dear Susie Clemens,
I have received and read all the letters which you and your little sister have written me. I can read your and your baby sister’s jagged and fantastic marks without any trouble at all. But I had trouble with those letters which you dictated through your mother and the nurses, for I am a foreigner and cannot read English writing well. You will find that I made no mistakes about the things which you and the baby ordered in your own letters – I went down your chimney at midnight when you were asleep and delivered them all myself – and kissed both of you, too. But there were one or two small orders which I could not fill because we ran out of stock …
There was a word or two in your mama’s letter which I took to be “a trunk full of doll’s clothes.” Is that it? I will call at your kitchen door about nine o’clock this morning to inquire. But I must not see anybody, and I must not speak to anybody but you. When the kitchen doorbell rings, George must be blindfolded and sent to the door. You must tell George he must walk on tiptoe and not speak—otherwise he will die someday. Then you must go up to the nursery and stand on a chair or the nurse’s bed and put your ear to the speaking tube that leads down to the kitchen and when I whistle through it you must speak in the tube and say, “Welcome, Santa Claus!” Then I will ask whether it was a trunk you ordered or not. If you say it was, I shall ask you what color you want the trunk to be and then you must tell me every single thing in detail which you want the trunk to contain. Then when I say “Good-by and a merry Christmas to my little Susy Clemens,” you must say “Good-by, good old Santa Claus, I thank you very much.” Then you must go down into the library and make George close all the doors that open into the main hall, and everybody must keep still for a little while.
I will go to the moon and get those things and in a few minutes I will come down the chimney that belongs to the fireplace that is in the hall – if it is a trunk you want – because I couldn’t get such a thing as a trunk down the nursery chimney, you know. If I should leave any snow in the hall, you must tell George to sweep it into the fireplace, for I haven’t time to do such things. George must not use a broom, but a rag – else he will die someday. If my boot should leave a stain on the marble, George must not holystone it away. Leave it there always in memory of my visit; and whenever you look at it or show it to anybody you must let it remind you to be a good little girl. Whenever you are naughty and someone points to that mark which your good old Santa Claus’s boot made on the marble, what will you say, little sweetheart?
Good-by for a few minutes, till I come down to the world and ring the kitchen doorbell.
Your loving Santa Claus
Whom people sometimes call
“The Man in the Moon”
MERRY CHRISTMAS
And thank you Mark.
“The unexamined life is not worth living“
Socrates
With Christmas fast approaching I thought I’d post the third installment of An Examined Life. I found that some of these questions gave me pause. I really had to stop and consider some of my answers. See what you think.
- If you knew there would be a nuclear war in one week, what would you do?
- Would you accept 20 years of extraordinary happiness and fulfillment if it meant you would die at the end of that period.
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Is there anything you hope to do that is even better?
- What was your most enjoyable dream? your worst nightmare?
- Would you give up half of what you now own for a pill that would permanently change you so that one hour of sleep each day would fully refresh you?
*****
- If you knew you could devote yourself to any single occupation – Music, writing, acting, business, politics, medicine, etc. – and be among the best and most successful in the world at it, what would you choose? If you knew you had only a 10% chance of being so successful, would you still put in the effort?
- What was your best experience with drugs or alcohol? your worst experience?
- If you went to a dinner party and were offered a dish you had never tried, would you want to taste it even if it sounded strange and not very appealing?
- To your close friends tend to be older or younger than you?
- If the person you were engaged to marry had an accident and became a paraplegic, would you go through with the marriage or back out?
*****
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire; after saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save one item. What would it be?
- How would you react if you were to learn that your mate had had a lover of the same sex before you knew each other?
- When were you last in a fight? What caused it and who won?
- You are being offered $1 million for the following acts: Before you are ten pistols – only one of which is loaded. You must pick up one of the pistols, point it at your forehead, and pull the trigger. If you walk away, you do so a millionaire. Would you accept the risk?
- Someone very close to you is in pain, paralyzed, and will die within a month He begs you to give him poison so that he can die. Would you? What if it was your father.
*****
5 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
❤️
I’ve never been one to load up the bumpers of my vehicles with the pearls of wisdom contained on bumper stickers. I’ve had more vehicles than I can remember and the only bumper sticker I ever put on one of my cars was in 1975. It read, HONK IF YOUR HORNY, on the back of my beautiful orange Gremlin. That being said I still love reading them on the cars of others. Here are a few that decorated vehicles during the late 20th century.
CAUTION, I DRIVE JUST LIKE YOU
SORRY, I DON’T DATE OUTSIDE MY SPECIES
NOT ALL DUMBS ARE BLOND
I DON’T BRAKE FOR PEDESTRIANS
IF YOU LIVED IN YOUR CAR, YOU’D BE HOME BY NOW
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS’ MISTAKES, USE BIRTH CONT ROL
EAT WELL, STAY FIT, DIE ANYWAY
MY WIFES OTHER CAR IS A BROOM
INSTANT ASSHOLE, JUST ADD ALCOHOL
BEER ISN’T JUST FOR BREAKFAST
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST
BE CAREFUL – 90 PERCENT OF PEOPLE ARE CAUSED BY ACCIDENTS
DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE – YOU MIGHT SPILL SOME
I’M NOT A COMPLETE IDIOT – SOME PARTS ARE MISSING
HONK IF YOU’VE BEEN MARRIED TO ELIZABETH TAYLOR
SEVEN SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
“The unexamined life is not worth living”
Socrates
***
Last’s weeks installments created not only some discussion with my better-half but also with a number of readers. The general feeling was that it was an interesting process but disturbing once everyone started explaining their opinions. That’s a perfect reason to continue with these posts because the questions tend to get even more interesting as we proceed. Here are the next fifteen questions you can share with your spouse or partner. Have fun with it.
- If at birth you could select the profession your child would eventually pursue, would you do so?
- Would you be willing to become extremely ugly physically if it meant you would live for 1000 years at any physical age you choose?
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be?
- You have the chance to meet someone with you can have the most satisfying level imaginable – the stuff of dreams. Sadly, you know that in six months the person will die. Knowing the pain that would follow, would you still want to meet the person and fall in love? What if you knew your lover would not die, but instead would betray you?
- If you knew of a way to use your estate, following your death, could greatly benefit humanity, would you do it and leave only a minimal amount to your family?
- Do you prefer being around men or women? Do your closest friends tend to be men or women?
- If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you choose, would you?
- While on a trip to another city, your spouse or lover meets and spend the night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and that you will not otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about? If roles were reversed, would you reveal what you had done?
- Are there people you envy enough to want to trade lives with them? Who are they?
- For an all-expense paid, one-week vacation anywhere in the world, would you be willing to kill a beautiful butterfly by pulling off its wings? What about stepping on a cockroach?
- Would you be willing to murder an innocent person if it would end hunger in the world?
- If God appeared to you in a series of vivid and moving dreams and told you to leave everything behind, travel alone to the Red Sea and become a fisherman, what would you do? What if you were told to sacrifice your child?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- Have you ever hated anyone? If so, why and for how long?
- With you rather be given $10,000 for your own use or $100,000 to give anonymously to strangers. What if you could keep $1 million or giveaway $20 million?
***
Special thanks to Gregory Stock and Socrates.
With the holidays underway I looked far and wide for some holiday related limericks. I found a few but they were absolutely horrible. So, I decided that since every holiday has a feast of one kind or another, today’s collection of limericks will be about food and eating. They are also rated G so the younger readers can enjoy them as well. The juicier limericks will continue after the holidays for all of you poetry connoisseurs. These are circa 1952.
🤶🏻🤶🏻🤶🏻
A diner while dining at Crewe,
Found quite a large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.”
🌲🌲🌲
There once was a pious young priest
Who lived almost wholly on yeast.
“For.” he said “it is plain
We must all rise again,
And I want to get started, at least.
☃️☃️☃️
There was an old person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean.
For he said, “More than that
Would make me too fat,”
That cautious old person of Dean.
🎄🎄🎄
There was an old lady of Brooking,
Who had a great genius for cooking.
She could bake sixty pies
All quite the same size,
And could tell which was which without looking.
🎁🎁🎁🎁
12 MORE SHOPPING DAYS
Growing up I always wondered what I might do with my life but nothing every grabbed me and ignited a passion. It took me years of struggling and foolishness before I was able to decide the direction I wanted to take. That being said I never had an all-consuming passion from an early age for anything (except possibly for drawing) like some people have been lucky to find. I see my grandchildren now and I wonder as much as they do in what direction they may go. Through the centuries people at very young ages have done some amazing things. I thought I’d pass along a few of them today. Read these, then look at your kids and grandkids, and try and guess where they’re headed.
At the Age of 2
- Tenzin Gyatso is declared to be the Dalai Lama.
- Judy Garland launches her stage career.
- Husan-t’ung becomes the final emperor of China.
- Isabella the second ascends to the Spanish throne.
At the Age of 3
- Tiger Woods shoots a 48 for nine holes on his hometown golf course in Cypress, California.
- Albert Einstein speaks for the first time.
- Ivan the Terrible becomes the Grand Prince of Moscow.
- Alice Lindell first meets Charles Dodgson (pen name of Lewis Carroll) who was the inspiration for the book Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.
At the Age of 4
- Kim Ung-Yong, with an estimated IQ of 200, speaks fluent Korean, English, Japanese, and German.
- Andre Agassi hits tennis balls for 15 minutes with Jimmy Connors, then the world’s top player.
- Malcolm Little – who later changes his name to Malcolm X – watches as his family’s home was burned down by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
- Bob Hope emigrates from England to the United States.
At the Age of 5
- Debra Wilson, mountain climber, skills a 4000-foot peak.
- Christopher Robin Milne hears the first “Winnie the Pooh” story, with himself as the main character, made up by his father, A. A.
- Charlie Chaplin appears with his mother on the vaudeville stage.
- Christina becomes the Queen-elect of Sweden.
At the Age of 6
- Shirley Temple receives an honorary Oscar for her contribution to film.
- Marie Grosholtz – better known later as Mme. Tussaud – first works with wax.
- Warren Buffett, peerless Wall Street investor-to-be, earns profits by selling Coca-Cola to his friends.
- Ron Howard stars as Opie in TV’s The Andy Griffith Show.
- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart gives keyboard concerts across Europe.
- Clara Hirschfield, called “Tootsie” by her father, a confectioner, is honored to have his new candy, the “Tootsie Roll”, named for her.
NOW FOR ME
Age 2 – Discovered I liked milk and my first breast.
Age 3 – Discovered my hands and feet.
Age 4 – Learned my first curse word.
Age 5 – Drew my first sketch.
Age 6 – Created my first ridiculous cartoon character.
SLOW BUT STEADY PROGRESS
My post yesterday turned into something unexpected for me. I sat with my better-half last night and went through the fifteen questions. I had fairly reasonable answers for most of the questions and the discussion was fun and informative. I was surprised by some of her answers, and she was just as surprised about some of mine. One question in particular I had a difficult time answering because I had to give it some serious thought. The question was “What person do you admire most?” I finally came up with my answer later in the evening, the individual that I admired most was my maternal grandfather.
Most of my early life from ages five through twelve required me to spend a great deal of time with my grandfather and he was a great role model. He worked an absolutely horrible job for US Steel in a Pittsburgh area steel mill which eventually was responsible for his death. He spent more than thirty years being lowered into recently emptied hot steel molds. He had no safety equipment for the most part and was lowered into hundred plus degree molds on a bosun’s chair. He then used a grinder to clear slag from the mold so it could be reused. He worked hard his whole life, took care of his family, was brutally honest in his dealings with everyone, and he passed all of his work ethic and honesty directly to me. That’s a gift that I’ve been using for more than sixty-five years, and I wish he was still around so I could thank him for it.
Here’s a picture taken of him in the early 1940’s.
I certainly hope some of you take the time for some self-reflection and that these lists I’ll be posting over the next few months are the perfect tool to help get the conversations started. Not only will you get to know your partner or spouse better, but they will also get to know you as well.
R.I.P. GRANDPA
It is better to make a mistake with full force of your being than to carefully avoid mistakes with a trembling spirit. Socrates
I really want to break away from all of the Christmas hoopla for a few days. This post will not be about trivia but questions to help determine your values, your beliefs, and your life; love, money, sex, integrity, generosity, pride and death are all included. I’m going to supply you with fifteen questions (the first of thirteen installments) and these questions could help you to understand yourself a little better. I honestly think that doing it with a spouse or partner would be particularly interesting because of the conversations that would follow. Let’s get started . . .
- For a person you love deeply, would you be willing to move to a distant country knowing there would be little chance of seeing your family or friends again?
- Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend the night alone in a remote house that is supposedly haunted?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having called someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
- If you could spend one year in perfect happiness but afterword would remember nothing of the experience, would you do so? If not, why not?
- If a new medicine were developed that would cure arthritis but cause a fatal reaction in 1% of those who took it, would you want it to be released to the public?
Falling down is not a failure. Failure comes when you stay where you have fallen. Socrates
- You discover your wonderful one-year-old child is, because of a mix-up at the hospital, not yours. Would you want to exchange the child to try to correct the mistake?
- Do you think that the world will be a better place or a worse place 100 years from now?
- Would you rather be a member of a world championship sports team or be the champion of an individual sport? Which sport would you choose?
- Would you accept $1 million to leave the country and never set foot in it again?
- Which sex do you think has it easier in our culture? Have you ever wished you were of the opposite sex?
The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less. Socrates
- You are given the power to kill people simply by thinking of their deaths and twice repeating the word “goodbye”. People would die a natural death, and no one would suspect you. Are there any situations in which you would use this power?
- If you are able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the body or the mind of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- What would constitute a “perfect” evening for you?
- Would you rather be extremely successful professionally and have a tolerable yet unexciting private life, or have an extremely happy private life and only a tolerable and uninspiring professional life?
- Whom do you admire most? In what way does that person inspire you?
***
More installments will follow. Pour some wine and enjoy the discussion.
Special thanks to Gregory Stock and Socrates.
“The unexamined life is not worth living”
Socrates
everyuselessthing.com 