Since my recent post of off-color limericks was so popular I thought I’d offer up a few more cute but nonetheless dirty jokes. I guess I should have figured out by now that I’ve got to “give the people what they want.” A few dirty jokes to help you continue the celebration of this important holiday.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
A woman answers the door to a market researcher. “Good morning, madam, I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?” “Oh yes, all the time. It’s very good for cuts, scrapes, and burns.” “Do you use it for anything else?” “Like what”, she asked. “Ahem. . well, during. . ahem. . sex.” “Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They have sex for hours, and afterward while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation (she is speaking in a cheery voice). “Hello? Oh, hi, I’m so glad you called. Really? Thanks. Okay. Bye.” She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?” Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
Wow, what is it that wonderful smell? I smell NFL football in my immediate future and my Steeler blood lust has taken over. I’m already holding high hopes for a truly successful season this year. I’ve hung my Terrible Towel collection in my man-cave and I’m praying for a gut-busting season similar to the years with Terry Bradshaw, Big Ben Rothlisberger, and the old and hopefully new Steel Curtain. With that in mind, how about some historical football trivia to whet your whistle.
As 1944 opened, the United States was deeply involved in World War II. Of the millions of Americans overseas, many thousands were in North Africa, which had been freed from Axis control during 1943. It happened that several units stationed in North Africa had formed a kind of North African Football Conference. The two top teams in this league wanted to play in an “Arab Bowl.” Other officers and men wanted a game between the Army and the Navy soldiers instead. Finally, a compromise was reached. Why not have a football doubleheader? The first game was to be played by the Casablanca Rab Chasers against the Oman Termites, for the North African Football Conference championship.
On January 1, 1944, it was a very hot day in Oran. In a rugged opening game, that Casablanca Rab Chasers defeated the Oran Termites for the title. And then another problem arose. Neither of these teams would lend their equipment to the teams for the Army-Navy game. Shoulder pads and jerseys were so hard to get at that time and were just too valuable to lend to strangers. It was decided that the second game would be played without equipment, it would be a touch football game between the Army and Navy, and blocking was permitted. Also, they announced the halftime entertainment would be camel and burro races, with members of the Women’s Army Corps and Red Cross nurses mounted on the animals. The selection of the beauty queen was declared a tie between three WAC contestants. Since no one had pads, the ground game was mostly end runs and passes. Nobody was really hurt by the blocking, but the heat caused many substitutions. The Navy scored on a blocked punt and a pass. The kick was good and made the score 7-0. Army tied the game before the half ended. The second half was scoreless until the last minute of the game when Army’s Eddie Herbert intercepted a pass and returned it to the Navy twenty-yard line. With time for one more play the kick split the uprights and Army won the game 10-7.
I’m sure that the men who played in that game remember it more fondly than any Super Bowl they’ve seen since. All that fun without an overpaid celebrity showing boobs or moonwalking during the half-time show.
Well yesterday was when the ever-so-lame Earth Day was celebrated. I’ve never celebrated this day the same way I don’t recognize or celebrate Kwanza. All of you so-called “Greenies” out there can get as excited as you’d like but not me. My concern for the environment is ongoing every day and not just on one day. Many people are truly “Green” but they’re in the minority. The majority of citizens when polled all love Earth Day but ask them again a week later. They aren’t quite that serious about it as they’d like everyone to believe. It’s become a social stigma not to beat the environmental drum.
This is a partial repost from April of 2013 to show that my opinions remain unchanged. Here are a few facts about how Earth Day was started and by the POS who was responsible. Read and learn you “Green” fools about one of your demi-gods who cared more for the planet than the life of an innocent women.
I’ve been around since the inception of Earth Day by Ira Einhorn and his half-assed hippy movement and while some of the initial ideas were valid concerning abuses of the environment it has now evolved into a semi-religious movement with goals and political aims that go way too far and are harming the country. Everything green becomes more important than life itself. The movement has no respect about another person’s property rights, their jobs, or the devastating effect many of the stupid EPA laws have had on unsuspecting citizens and businesses.
As in any political movement you must look at the leader for his ideas and credibility. Einhorn to me is just a stone-cold killer who thinks the laws of society don’t apply to him.
Ira Samuel Einhorn, a.k.a. “The Unicorn Killer” (born May 15, 1940), is a convicted murderer, and American activist of the 1960s and 1970s. He is now serving a life sentence for the 1977 murder of Holly Maddux.
How many Earth Days has “Holly Maddux” missed since she was beaten to death by Einhorn, stuffed into a trunk, and stuck in a closet. It took more than twenty years to find, arrest, return him to this country, and convict him.
To quote the murderer: “Underlying the themes of Earth Day is a call for mankind to align itself with nature, and against itself, enlisting human beings to take part in a battle that seeks to place humanity under the control of an enlightened elite, one that values the interests of nature above that of people.
If you’re interested and want more information about Einhorn and Earth Day, just click here to learn more about the case:
I’m feeling quite miscellaneous today. This last week has been a huge pain in the ass with two days of no electric or internet, and the never-ending smartphone interruptions. Add to that an ice storm and finally a visit to my least favorite doctor, my dentist. Things are now back in to normal (whatever the hell that means). Here is a Mish Mosh of trivia items that caught my interest earlier today, so let’s get this started with a list of ten actual pornographic movie titles that were takeoffs of real Hollywood movies.
Tiger’s Wood
Edward Penishands
Beverley Hills 9021-Ho!
Pulp Friction
Shaving Ryan’s Privates
Forest Hump
Raiders of the Lost Arse
Titty Titty Gang Bang
May the Foreskin Be With You
Girth, Wind, and Fire
Here are a few tidbits of mostly obscure information on a few of Hollywood’s endless supply of alleged celebrities.
Sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer of TV fame is a trained rifle sniper.
One of the few celebrities I like is Mel Brooks. Most people don’t realize that he fought in the Battle of the Bulge during World War II.
Many of you will remember the late James Doohan (Scotty from Star Trek) who was shot six times during the D-Day landings in World War II.
The word “fuck” appears more than 265 times in the 1994 film Pulp Fiction.
As a follow-up here are a few facts from the 1998 movie The Big Lebowski. The word “fuck” is spoken 292 times, the word dude is spoken 161 times, and the word man 147 times.
The male lead in The Terminator was initially offered to O.J. Simpson and Mel Gibson. They both turned it down and Schwarzenegger stepped in.
Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger earned roughly $21,490 per word in the movie The Terminator. He received $15 million for the role and spoke only 700 words.
Here’s a collection of facts concerning some of the history of the battle for women’s rights. Some good ones, some bad ones, but all are certainly interesting.
Epicurus (341-241 BC), to whom good and pleasure were synonymous, was the first important philosopher to accept women as students.
In 17th and 18th century America, women were employed in all of the same occupations that men worked, and men and women earned equal pay. A female blacksmith charged the same as a man to shoe a horse. Women sextons and printers were paid at the same rate as men. Women were also silversmiths, gunsmiths, shipwrights, and undertakers.
The first woman governor in U.S. history was Mrs. Nelly Taylor Ross. She was elected governor of Wyoming in 1925.
$10,000 was offered by Marion Hovey, of Boston, to the Harvard Medical School, to be used to educate women on equal terms with men. A committee approved the proposal, but the Hovey offer was rejected by the board of overseers. The year was 1878.
Though she was a Nobel Prize winner (and soon would become the first person to win two), Marie Curie (1867-1934) was denied membership in the august French Academy simply because she was a woman.
A woman agreed in 1952 to play in organized baseball, with the Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, Senators of the Interstate League. However, minor league commissioner George Trautman, with the support of major league baseball commissioner Ford Frick, unilaterally voided Mrs. Eleanor Angles contract.
During the American Revolution, many brides did not wear white wedding gowns; instead, they wore red as a symbol of the rebellion.
She was 87 years old when she became the first woman U.S. Senator, and she served for only one day, November 21, 1922. Rebecca Lattimer Felton, a Democrat and the widow of a Georgia representative who had opposed reactionary machine politics, had long worked for women’s suffrage, which became national law in 1920. She was appointed for a day to the Senate in a token gesture by the governor of Georgia, who had opposed the suffrage movement. “The word ‘sex’ has been obliterated from the Constitution,” Mrs. Felton said on excepting her appointment. There are now no limitations upon the ambitions of women.
There are 15 nations that had given women the right to vote before the U.S. did in 1920. The earliest were New Zealand, in 1893, Australia, in 1902, and Finland, in 1906.
Abigail Adams wrote to her husband, John, in 1776: “If particular care and attention is not paid to the ladies, we are determined to foment a rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any laws in which we have no voice or representation.”
A few weeks ago, I posted a number of limericks written in the World War II era. Your response was much better than I anticipated so I thought I’d dig up a few more from that same era to make you laugh and smile all these years later.
As I was preparing this post, I decided midsentence to step away from poetry for a day or two and to return to one of my favorite things which are limericks. I have quite the collection of limericks of all types and unfortunately, I have hundreds that I really can’t post on this blog, no matter how much readers continue to request them. I’ve picked out a few random samples from different historical periods and I’ll post them over the next few weeks. Here is my history by limerick . . .
I’ve made mention many times that I’m a lover of history. Being an American I’m doubly interested in the history of this country and all of the good things and bad things that it’s done in order to exist in its present form. Today’s post will be a few facts of American history that I am reasonably sure not many of you are aware of. Let’s see if I can surprise you a little.
The name “United States of America” was coined by a man who lived the last years of his life in disrepute and who’s bodily remains eventually were lost. I’m talking about Thomas Payne. Payne lived his first 37 years in London, mostly in poverty, and only a fluke meeting in London with Benjamin Franklin encouraged his move to America. Later, in 1776, he wrote his popular and famous revolutionary tract, Common Sense.
Robert R. Livingston and James Munroe sailed to Paris for the sole purpose of buying a small piece of French held land in the West near New Orleans and for expanding waterway traffic. They ended up buying half a billion acres of wilderness called the Louisiana Purchase.
In the United States only 80 miles separate the highest point of land in the lower forty-eight states and the lowest point. Mount Whitney on the eastern border of Sequoia National Park in California is 14,496 feet high, and a pool called Badwater in Death Valley is 280 feet below sea level.
Morocco was the first country to recognize the United States of America (1789).
Beginning in 1882, immigrants had to pay to enter the United States. A tax of $.50 per person was imposed that year; it was increased to two dollars in 1903 and then again to four dollars in 1907.
The official manual of the Internal Revenue Service of the United States and is an agglomeration of 38,000 pages. It has been appropriately described as ” the world’s most confusing publication.”
When the United States was just 60 years old in 1836, Narciso Prentiss Whitman and Eliza Heart Spalding were perhaps the first women to cross the continent. They reached Oregon that year in a party organized by the American Board of Commissioners for Foreign Missionaries. The success of the expedition stimulated emigration to the territories in the Northwest.
The United States Automobile Association was formed in 1905 for the express purpose of providing “scouts” who could warn motorists of hidden “police traps.”
The population of New Hampshire increased only 8.3% between the start of the War of Independence and the 1970 census. In the same 194 years, the total population of the original 13 states, which included New Hampshire, increased from 2,616,000 (estimated) to just under 75 million – a gain of 2767%.
The first automobile to cross the United States took 52 days in 1903, to go from San Francisco to New York.
Since everyone should be well rested after their Labor Day festivities, I thought I’d reintroduce a Sex Quiz from an unusual joke book published in 1984. It’s a bit difficult but I’m sure all of you will be able to deduce the correct answers (True or False). It’s funny and ridiculous but then so were the 1980’s. Here we go . . . .
🍩🍆🍩
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
A fallopian tube is a part inside a television.
A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
Fellatio is an Italian dagger.
Anus is a Latin word denoting a long period of time.
Cunnilingus is a person who can speak four languages.
A condom is an apartment complex.
Masturbate is something used to catch large fish.
A wet dream is dangerous if you sleep under an electric blanket.
A vulva is a Swedish automobile.
A vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
A clitoris is a type of flower.
KOTEX is a radio station in Dallas, Texas.
Testicles can be found on an octopus.
A rectum is what you are for doing this test. LOL
For those of you who were stumped by the quiz I’ll add a short joke to make you feel better about yourself. If you don’t understand the joke, call a friend.
John was a seventy-seven-year-old man and decided it was time for one last final fling. So, he went out and hired himself a buxom and luscious prostitute for a last night of pleasure. It was a spectacular and pleasurable night, and he slept like a log upon returning home. Three weeks later he felt a growing pressure and pain in his groin and immediately rushed back to the doctor’s office, insisting on an immediate consultation. The doctor examined him thoroughly, then asked a rather personal question. “Have you been with a woman anytime recently?” John smiled proudly and confessed the truth. “Well, said the doctor, you’d better go find her right away, ’cause you’re about to come!”
I’m feeling a bit feisty today, so I’ll post this rather lengthy rant. I also understand that asking many of our so-called concerned citizens to read something longer than two paragraphs is asking a lot. There are somethings I can choose to forget but not forgive. There are other things that I will never forget or forgive. Unfortunately, the attention span of a great many Americans is quite short except when they’re inconvenienced by a TSA screening. The following test will remind our brilliant lawmakers and most casual citizens that there are things that should never be forgotten. Unfortunately, many casual citizens and politicians who see a wrong perpetrated against this country just shrug their shoulders, make a lame speech, wipe a tear from their eye, and then immediately return to the business of politics and feathering their own nest. Let’s have a quick memory test to determine who is actually paying attention these days.
USA History Exam
(For the chronically uninformed)
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by: a. Olga Korbitt b. Sitting Bull c. Arnold Schwartzeneger d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by: a. Lost Norwegians b. Elvis c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
3. During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by: a. John Dillinger b. The King of Sweden c. The Boy Scouts d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by: a. A pizza delivery boy b. Pee Wee Herman c. Geraldo Rivera d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70-year-old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by: a. The Smurfs b. Davy Jones c. The Little Mermaid d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by: a. Captain Kid b. Charles Lindberg c. Mother Teresa d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by: a. Scooby Doo b. The Tooth Fairy c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by! : a. Richard Simmons b. Grandma Moses c. Michael Jordan d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by: a. Mr. Rogers b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill’s women problems. c. The World Wrestling Federation d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted to a crash by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by: a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd b. The Supreme Court of Florida c. Mr. Bean d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against: a. Enron b. The Lutheran Church c. The NFL d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by: a. Bonny and Clyde b. Captain Kangaroo c. Billy Graham d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
As the writer of the award-winning story Forrest Gump so aptly put it, “Stupid is as stupid does! But an even better quote comes from comedian Ron White:
everyuselessthing.com 