Archive for the ‘Poetry’ Category
I’ve been trying for days to post something but these damn storms are screwing up almost everything. Our power and internet returned today after 24 hours of silence and I wanted to post before the next catastrophe arrives.
*****
It feels good to be back to some semblance of normalcy. My first post-op inspection revealed my poor fractured ankle is on the mend. The doctor assures me that only five more weeks of a walker and wheelchair and I should be good to go. That news eases the pressure a little and makes getting back to this blog a little easier. I’ll be happy to provide a few limericks today to make you smile as little.
❤
A lisping young lady named JoBeth
Was saved from a fate worse than death.
Seven times in a row,
Which unsettled her so
That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth.”
😂😂😂
Therre was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn’t, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood,
The questions not woody, but could he?
😁😁😁
There once was a young lady of Arden,
The tool of whose swain wouldn’t harden.
Said she with a frown,
“I’ve been sadly let down,
By the tool of a fool in a garden.”
😜😜😜
A flatulent nun of Hawaii
One Easter eve supped on papaya,
Then honored the Passover
By turning her ass over
And obliging with Handel’s Messiah.
🤩🤩🤩
LIMERICKS HAVE RETURNED
Born: December 10, 1830, Died: May 15, 1886 (aged 55)
*****
I’m something of a fan of serious poetry and an even bigger fan of those bawdy limericks I post so often. I guess I’m simply a fan of creative people who aren’t afraid to bare their souls to us. I’ve noticed over the years that creative types are a breed all their own. Many are looked upon as being a little strange or weird which has always seemed unfair. Being strange or weird for me is a badge of honor. Let me share the following with you.
Emily Dickinson, whose poetry thrills millions today, fantasized about the earth and sky and heaven itself, but left her home state, Massachusetts, exactly once, and that was to visit her father in Washington DC. She became such a recluse that she would not stay in the same room with her guests but would speak to them from an adjoining room.
Only seven of her poems were published in her lifetime. After her death in 1886, over 1,000 poems were discovered in a bureau. They were subsequently published, but often after word and punctuation changes were made by overzealous editors. A definitive edition of her works did not appear until the 1950’s.
As with all artists and other creative types, you never seem to get the recognition and fame you deserve until you’re dead.
R.I.P.
It’s time for me to try and convince you non-limerick lovers that they can be something other than lewd and bawdy. They’re fun to create and even more fun to read when written by members of the younger generations. Here are a few written by and for children. Enjoy!
There once was a young chap from Eugene.
Who grew so abnormally lean,
And flat and compressed
That his back met his chest,
And, viewed sideways, he couldn’t be seen!
😗😗😗
A sea serpent saw a big tanker.
Bit a hole in its side and then sank her.
He swallowed the crew
In a minute or two,
And then picked his teeth with the anchor.
😊😊😊
There was a young bather from Bewes,
Who reclined on the banks of the Ouse.
His radio blared,
And passers-by stared,
For all he had on was the news!
🙃🙃🙃
There are men in the village of Erith
Whom nobody seeth or heareth.
They spend hours afloat
In a flat-bottomed boat,
Which nobody roweth or steereth.
🤩🤩🤩
And here’s one final extra limerick for a nurse I once knew.
Believe me, this limerick is understating her illness. LOL
❤️
Jo Beth went to the doctor last night,
Rather hoping he’d help with her plight.
What she said, whilst bent double.
“It’s farting that’s the trouble.”
And what did he give her? A kite!
*****
DON’T WORRY, THE WEEKEND IS IN SIGHT
This morning has started off strangely. Fifteen seconds after I sat down at the computer the power went out. I’ve lost all power in the house except for a few limited outlets hooked into the generator. It maintains all of the most important functions of the house like heat and water and thankfully this computer. I’ll be writing this in the dark with no way to upload the content until sometime later today (I hope). Maine has been having a rash of storms in recent weeks and the power grid has been damaged in many areas. I have to admit, this shit is getting really old and all of my bitching and complaining won’t help. Let’s move on to something a little more interesting.
I post a lot of limericks of all types. Some of you like them cute and funny, some like the children’s limericks and some others prefer the more bawdy and suggestive ones. Truthfully, I enjoy them all when the circumstances permit. Today I’ll pass along a few of the milder and sillier ones that won’t scare the children or any adults with delicate sensibilities.
😛😛😛
A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd.
She was frightened and screamed very loud.
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed.
😏😏😏
A young man dining out in Peru
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout
And wave it about
Or the rest will be wanting one too!”
😊😊😊
There were three little birds in the wood
Who sang hymns anytime that they could.
What the words were about
They could never make out,
But they felt it was doing them good.
🙃🙃🙃
A glutton who lived on the Rhine
When asked at what time he would dine,
He replied, “At eleven,
Four, six, three and seven,
And eight and a quarter to nine.”
😎😎😎
Well finally some good news. The power has been turned on (for how long I couldn’t guess) and I’ll get this posted as quickly as possible.
BROWNCOATS RULE!!
I thought I’d introduce you to something new today. I’ve posted hundreds of limericks over the years, and they were all basically the five-line standard. Another style of limerick is the extended limerick which are a bit longer than you normally see and more challenging to write. Here are two samples:
By Anonymous
There once were two cats of Kilkenny.
Each thought there was one too many,
So, they quarreled and fit,
They scratched and they bit,
Till, excepting their nails
And the tips of their tails,
Instead of two cats, there weren’t any!
😛😛😛
By Anonymous
There was a strange student from Yale.
Who put himself outside the pale.
Said the judge:” Please refrain,
When passing through Maine,
From exposing yourself in in the train,
Or you’ll just have to do it in jail!”
😗😗😗
In my opinion they aren’t as exciting as a normal limerick, but many people disagree. Now let’s take a look at what’s called a prose limerick. It’s a totally different style but I enjoy these very much because of the narrative way they are written.
By Anonymous
When cars are left here for repair, our charges are modest and fair. And
owners may rest quite content that we test all work that is done with great care.
😊😊😊
In the shed at the end of the mews there’s a bucket of old bolts and screws, and
right at the back you will see a large stack of old junk that perhaps you can use.
🤩🤩🤩
The train that was due to depart at 8:10 is not likely to start. We’re
working to rule, you’d best get a mule or a bike or a horse and a cart.
***
TRY WRITING A FEW OF YOUR OWN
In my younger days I spent a great deal of time wandering through the graveyards of Southern Massachusetts. I’ve always liked cemeteries and some of the oldest graves in the country can be found in and around the Plymouth area. Say what you want about the Pilgrims, but they brought their love of catchy epithets from the old country, and they are some of the best. I spent many hours sketching cemeteries and painting a number of interesting oil paintings which allowed me to sit for hours in a quiet and serene place. Here is a small collection of epithets from this country and others.
From Church Stretton, Shropshire, England
On Thursday she was born,
On a Thursday she made a bride,
On a Thursday put to bed,
On a Thursday broke her leg, and
On a Thursday died.
💀💀💀
From a churchyard in Oxfordshire, England
Here lies the body of John Eldred,
At least, he will be when he’s dead.
But now at this time he is alive,
The 14th of August, Sixty-five.
💀💀💀
From Middlefield, Massachusetts
Old Thomas Mulvaney lies here.
His mouth ran from ear to ear.
Reader, tread lightly on this wonder,
For if he yawns, you’re gone to thunder.
💀💀💀
From Keeseville, New York
Here lies a man of good repute.
Who wore a No. 16 boot.
Tis not recorded how he died,
But sure, it is, that open wide,
The gates of heaven must have been,
To let such monstrous feet within.
💀💀💀
From Chelmsford, Essex, England
Here lies the man Richard,
And Mary his wife.
Their surname was Pritchard,
They lived without strife.
And the reason was plain,
They abounded in riches,
They had no care or pain,
And his wife wore the breeches.
💀💀💀
Here’s a favorite from a grave in Winslow, Maine and proves that short and sweet is always the best.
Here lies the body of John Mound
Lost at sea and never found.
*****
NOW, SIT DOWN AND WRITE YOUR OWN
I realize that many of you out there are avid music fans. I’m addicted to oldies from 1958 through 1974 and have thousands of songs from that era. I like a lot of the new stuff too but I’m able to pick and choose the ones that really get me going. While we are all music lovers, my second passion is limericks and interesting poetry. So, with that in mind I decided that today my limerick selections would be G rated and concern music and musicians. I hope you enjoy them as much as you enjoy your music.
🎵🎵🎵
By Anonymous
There was a composer named Liszt
Who from writing could seldom desiszt.
He made Polonaise.
Quite worthy of praise,
And now that he’s gone, he is miszt.
🎹🎹🎹
By Ogden Nash
A bugler named Dougal MacDougal
Found ingenious ways to be frugal.
He learned how to sneeze
In various keys,
Thus, saving the price of a bugle.
🎸🎸🎸
By Paul West
All of a sudden, the great prima-donna
Cried, “Heavens! My voice is a goner!”
But a cat in the wings
Cried, “I know how she sings,”
And finished the solo with honor.
🎼🎼🎼
By Anonymous
There was a composer named Bong
Who composed a new popular song.
It was simply the croon
Of a lovesick baboon,
With occasional thumps on the gong.
🎷🎷🎷
YOUR TURN TO HUM A FEW BARS
I’ thought I’d start the new year with a small collection of limericks. This collection should be rated “PG”, so keep the youngsters away. Happy New Year to all of you limerick aficionados. Today’s collection concerns:
Sexual Misfortunes
Two middle-aged ladies from Fordham,
Went out for a walk but it bored ’em.
As they made their way back,
A crazed sex maniac
Leapt out of a bush and ignored ’em.
🍷🍷🍷
An unfortunate sailor name Bates,
Had performed the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Had rendered him nutless
And, well – virtually useless on dates!
🍆🍆🍆
A nudist, named Roger McPeet,
Loved to dance in the snow and the sleet.
Till, one chilly December,
He froze his poor member,
And retired to a monkish retreat.
🍩🍩🍩
Ancient octogenarian, Hugh,
To his wife remained steadfastly true.
This was not from compunction,
But more the dysfunction
Of his spermatic glands – nuts to you.
🍆🍩🍆
What better way to kick off a new year. Here’s one final limerick with a religious bent for an oh-so inclined friend.
❤️
When Lazarus came back from the dead,
He still couldn’t function in bed.
“What good’s Resurrection
Without an erection?”
Old Lazarus testily said.
AMEN TO THAT
I know that most people have all of their attention with Christmas involved with the buying and wrapping of gifts. While that is important to all of the kids, as an adult I’m in it for the food. For me Christmas is just a second Thanksgiving with gifts and a new list of foods for me to pig out on. Candy canes, cookies, fudges, brownies, pies, little cakes, and SUGAR, SUGAR, SUGAR!! Bring it on Santa, I’m ready to devour it all. So, folks, here are some limericks about food from a serious and chubby “foodie”. Enjoy!
🍷🍷🍷
A cheese that was aged and gray
Was walking and talking one day.
Said the cheese, “Kindly note
My mama was a goat
And I’m made out of curds by the whey.”
🍗🍗🍗
There was an old lady of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To the household’s disgust
She emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, “Where am I?”
🍜🍜🍜
There was an old man from the Rhine
Who was asked at what hour he’d dine.
He replied, “At eleven,
At three, six, and seven,
At eight and a quarter to nine.”
🍦🍦🍦
There was a young man of Calcutta
Who spoke with a terrible stutta.
At breakfast he said,
“Give me some b-b-b-bread
And a pat of b-b-b-b-butta.”
2 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
❤️
I’ve never been one to load up the bumpers of my vehicles with the pearls of wisdom contained on bumper stickers. I’ve had more vehicles than I can remember and the only bumper sticker I ever put on one of my cars was in 1975. It read, HONK IF YOUR HORNY, on the back of my beautiful orange Gremlin. That being said I still love reading them on the cars of others. Here are a few that decorated vehicles during the late 20th century.
CAUTION, I DRIVE JUST LIKE YOU
SORRY, I DON’T DATE OUTSIDE MY SPECIES
NOT ALL DUMBS ARE BLOND
I DON’T BRAKE FOR PEDESTRIANS
IF YOU LIVED IN YOUR CAR, YOU’D BE HOME BY NOW
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS’ MISTAKES, USE BIRTH CONT ROL
EAT WELL, STAY FIT, DIE ANYWAY
MY WIFES OTHER CAR IS A BROOM
INSTANT ASSHOLE, JUST ADD ALCOHOL
BEER ISN’T JUST FOR BREAKFAST
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST
BE CAREFUL – 90 PERCENT OF PEOPLE ARE CAUSED BY ACCIDENTS
DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE – YOU MIGHT SPILL SOME
I’M NOT A COMPLETE IDIOT – SOME PARTS ARE MISSING
HONK IF YOU’VE BEEN MARRIED TO ELIZABETH TAYLOR
SEVEN SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
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