Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
Since everyone should be well rested after their Labor Day festivities, I thought I’d reintroduce a Sex Quiz from an unusual joke book published in 1984. It’s a bit difficult but I’m sure all of you will be able to deduce the correct answers (True or False). It’s funny and ridiculous but then so were the 1980’s. Here we go . . . .
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- A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
- A fallopian tube is a part inside a television.
- A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
- Fellatio is an Italian dagger.
- Anus is a Latin word denoting a long period of time.
- Cunnilingus is a person who can speak four languages.
- A condom is an apartment complex.
- Masturbate is something used to catch large fish.
- A wet dream is dangerous if you sleep under an electric blanket.
- A vulva is a Swedish automobile.
- A vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
- A clitoris is a type of flower.
- KOTEX is a radio station in Dallas, Texas.
- Testicles can be found on an octopus.
- A rectum is what you are for doing this test. LOL
For those of you who were stumped by the quiz I’ll add a short joke to make you feel better about yourself. If you don’t understand the joke, call a friend.
John was a seventy-seven-year-old man and decided it was time for one last final fling. So, he went out and hired himself a buxom and luscious prostitute for a last night of pleasure. It was a spectacular and pleasurable night, and he slept like a log upon returning home. Three weeks later he felt a growing pressure and pain in his groin and immediately rushed back to the doctor’s office, insisting on an immediate consultation. The doctor examined him thoroughly, then asked a rather personal question. “Have you been with a woman anytime recently?” John smiled proudly and confessed the truth. “Well, said the doctor, you’d better go find her right away, ’cause you’re about to come!”
HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR WEEKEND
Being a lover of baseball, I enjoy every facet of the game. That includes some of the craziest and outrageous quotes when these superstars and broadcasters step up to the microphone. Yogi Berra was made famous by his confusing and hilarious quips, but he isn’t alone. Here are a few quotes that will make you smile a little and hopefully laugh out loud a lot.
“Well, I see in the game in Minnesota thar Terry Felton has relieved himself on the mound in the second inning.” Fred White, sportscaster for the Kansas City Royals
Folks, this is perfect weather for today’s game. Not a breath of fresh air. Curt Gowdy, sportscaster
All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they took that and blew it all out of proportion. Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher
If Jesus were on the field, he’d be pitching inside and breaking up double plays. He’d be high fiving the other guys. Tim Burke, Montral Expo pitcher
I am throwing twice as hard as I ever did. It’s just not getting there as fast. Lefty Gomez, NY Yankee pitcher
I prefer fast food. Rocky Bridges, infielder, when asked why he wouldn’t eat snails
Always root for the winner. That way you won’t be disappointed. Tug McGraw
Raise the urinals. Darrel Chaney, Braves infielder, on how to keep the team on it’s toes
I lost it in the sun. Billy Loes, Brooklyn pitcher, after fumbling a grounder
Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean. Pedro Guerrero, NL infielder and outfielder
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I NEVER SAID MOST OF THE THINGS I SAID
(Yogi Berra)
Just another gray, cloudy, rainy, miserable, depressing day. I never thought I would wish for snow, but I’m THIS close.
- Until 1796, there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it’s known as Tennessee.
- In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
- The Boston Marathon didn’t allow female runners until 1972.
- Approximately 40% of guests arriving at a party admit to snooping in the hosts medicine cabinet.
- Catnip is ten times more effective repelling mosquitoes than some of the commercial products containing DEET.
- Hawaii’s state flag is the only US state flag to feature the Union Jack.
- The King of Hearts is the only king without a mustache on the deck of standard playing cards.
- In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes.
- Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, dishwashers, and windshield wipers were all invented by women.
- Water is the thing most often choked upon by Americans.
- The first product to have a barcode was Wrigley’s gum.
- The chance that a dollar bill contains remnants of cocaine is approximately 80%.
- The average life span of a major league baseball is 5 to 7 pitches.
- From groundbreaking to opening day, the original Disneyland was built in just 365 days.
- The word Gorilla comes from a Greek word that means a “tribe of hairy women.”
EVERYUSELESSTHING YOU NEEDED TO KNOW
I’m not quite sure how to act today, there’s a huge yellow orb in the sky and I’m not exactly certain what it is. I suspect it has something to do with global warming but unfortunately, I have very few liberal friends to help explain it to me. Let’s move along to today’s post. I recently acquired a small paperback book titled Raunchy Riddles, published in 1984, (Sarcasm On) an era of true sophistication and good humor. (Sarcasm Off) Here’s a small sampling of the fine work of that era.
What would a country girl do for birth control? If she can, she crosses her legs . . . If she can’t, she crosses her fingers!
Why are anchovies like telephones? They’re the next best thing to being there!
What should a girl do if she’s looking for a passionate husband? Try a few on for sighs!
What’s brown and smells like a bell? Dung!
How can you tell the novice at a nudist colony? He sticks out like a sore thumb!
What’s a “vagrancy brassiere”? No visible means of support!
What happens when people tease you too much about masturbating? You grow callous!
What’s the greatest thing about masturbation? It’s sex with someone you love!
What does a cautious gynecologist do? Tries not to stirrup any trouble!
Why should you guard your rear when you’re in a hospital? You’re in enema territory!
WHO DOESN’T LOVE THE EIGHTIES??
Well, as I said in the past so many times it’s a gray and rainy and crappy day here in Maine. The state is overrun with tourists from Canada and from Massachusetts zero making any kind of trip even to just shop is a pain. Least touristy summer days totally destroy what sense of humor I normally have, and I need something to make me smile at least. So, with that in mind about some jokes.
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The terrible tempered Mr. Anderson, having missed an easy putt, shouted, “Oh Fuck!” A young lady in the party said, “You needn’t use such vile language. “Anderson stared at her angrily and said, “Oh, come on. I’m sure you’ve heard that word many times before. “I have, said the young lady, but never in anger.”
A woman who was having a one-night stand with the man she had casually picked up said rather contemptuously, “You have a very small organ.” To which the man immediately replied, “It merely seems small because it has been asked to play in a cathedral.”
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus. “It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway”, he said. “Actually,” said his guide, it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.” The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?” “Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”
“Worry is the first time you find you can’t do it the second time; panic is the second time you find you can’t do it the first time.”
There was a young woman named Sally
Who loved an occasional dally.
She sat on the lap
of a well-endowed chap,
And said, “Ooh, you’re right up my alley.”
A woman said proudly, “Before I married my husband, I told him quite frankly of the various different love affairs I had had. I did not want to marry under false pretenses. “What honesty,” said one of those who was listening to her. “And what courage,” said another. “And what a memory,” said a third.
(A TRUISM)
ORGANIC FARMING IS A LOT OF SHIT
I’m feeling a bit feisty today, so I’ll post this rather lengthy rant. I also understand that asking many of our so-called concerned citizens to read something longer than two paragraphs is asking a lot. There are somethings I can choose to forget but not forgive. There are other things that I will never forget or forgive. Unfortunately, the attention span of a great many Americans is quite short except when they’re inconvenienced by a TSA screening. The following test will remind our brilliant lawmakers and most casual citizens that there are things that should never be forgotten. Unfortunately, many casual citizens and politicians who see a wrong perpetrated against this country just shrug their shoulders, make a lame speech, wipe a tear from their eye, and then immediately return to the business of politics and feathering their own nest. Let’s have a quick memory test to determine who is actually paying attention these days.
USA History Exam
(For the chronically uninformed)
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Korbitt
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwartzeneger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
3. During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70-year-old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kid
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by! :
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill’s women problems.
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted to a crash by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonny and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
As the writer of the award-winning story Forrest Gump so aptly put it, “Stupid is as stupid does! But an even better quote comes from comedian Ron White:
YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID
“Malaprop“
The mistaken use of a word in place of a similar sounding one, often with unintentionally
amusing effect, as in, for example, “dance a flamingo” (instead of flamenco).
Today’s posting will be a shout out to all of those educators that spend so much of their time attempting to teach our younger generations anything. It’s a difficult job on the good days and it’s even worse on the bad days. I thought I’d list a selection of what are called malaprops taken from actual test papers and essays from some grade schoolers, high schoolers, and selected college examinations. These are things of beauty.
- Women like to do things in circles, where they sew, talk, and do their meddling.
- “Don’t” is a contraption.
- Italics are what Italians write in.
- The government of Athens was Democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
- Antarctica is like the regular Arctic, but ritzier.
- He worked in the government as a civil serpent.
- You purify water by filtering it and then forcing it through an aviator.
- The doctor felt the man’s purse and said there was no hope.
- The government of England is a limited mockery.
- The first book of the Bible is a book of Guinness’s.
“IT IS BEYOND MY APPREHENSION.”
Everyone seems to love weird facts and even weirder trivia. I try to distribute as much of that nonsense as I possibly can, and today will be no different. The following facts you may know, or you may have heard of before but in general they’re a little different.
- Pres. Lyndon B. Johnson enjoyed the soft drink Fresca so much that he had a special tap installed in the White House for his use.
- The ideal knuckleball should complete less than one single rotation on its way to home plate. Its erratic path is created by the difference in air molecules traveling over the baseball seams and smooth surfaces.
- Ice skaters skate on water, not ice. At 32°F, ice has a liquid surface measuring 400 billionths of a meter thick. Below -31°F, the liquid layer becomes so thin that the skater’s blades would stick rather than glide across the ice.
- The Puritans founded America’s first college, bookstore, and newspaper.
- The percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had to do it all over again is 80%. The percentage of American women who say the same is 50%.
- There are 2,598,960 possible hands in Texas Hold’em.
- The word salary comes from the Latin “salarium” meaning “payment in salt.” Roman soldiers were paid partially in salt, a highly valuable commodity at the time.
- High quality crystal produces a clear ringing sound when struck, hence the phrase “crystal clear.”
- To actually see a rainbow, you must have your back to the sun.
- Human foreskins discarded after circumcision are sold to biomedical companies for use in artificial skin manufacture. One foreskin contains enough genetic material to grow 250,000 ft.² of new skin. They are also used as a “secret ingredient” in popular anti-wrinkle gels.
NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING
More weirdness from the human race. There seems to be an endless supply and I’m going to eventually post all of it.
- The human eye can see only about 3000 stars on the clearest night, even though there are more than 100 billion stars in our galaxy alone.
- One medieval theory to explain why a dunked witch would not float was that witches deliberately ate foods that make them fart. The gas would build up in their guts, making them lighter than air, so they could fly.
- In Europe in the Middle Ages it was believed that there were over 7 million demons in the air, which could be inhaled or swallowed and would cause disease or make a corpse turned into a vampire.
- Thomas Edison filed 1093 patents, including those for the lightbulb, electric railways, and the movie camera. When he died in 1931, he held 34 patents for the telephone, 141 for batteries, 150 for the telegraph, and 389 patents for electric lights and power.
- No pain, no gain – in their quest for an hour-glass figure, some of Victorian women wore their corsets so tight that they suffered broken ribs.
- During the Middle Ages, mummies became enormously popular as medicine. At first the resin-soaked bandages were thought to be health giving, but eventually the whole mummy, bones, flesh, and all, was ground up and sold to people who would eat it.
- Sleepwalking, also known as somnambulism, effects approximately 18% of the world’s population. People are capable of doing all sorts of things while in their sleep, including eating, bathing, and dressing. Some subjects have been recorded driving cars and committing murder while technically asleep.
- According to the World Toilet Organization, the average person visits the toilet about 6 to 8 times a day, or 2500 times a year, and spends three years of his or her life sitting on the toilet.
- Emetophobia is the fear of vomiting or of being around others who are vomiting. It is the fifth most common phobia according to the International Emetophobia Society.
- Diabetes can lead to high levels of sugar in the urine. Before simple test for sugar levels were made available, doctors would taste their patient’s urine to see if it was sweet.
I LOVE WEIRD SH**T
I’ve been promising for some time to post a few bawdy limericks and today’s the day. These four limericks can be rated either “R” or “X” depending on the reader. If you have any children who use your computer, make sure they don’t get to see these. I don’t have much more to say about this post because believe me, it speaks for itself. I hope all of you who requested this posting (and you know who you are) appreciate how uncomfortable it makes me to post this. So here we go.
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There was a young man of Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
“If my ear were a pussy, I’d fuck it.”
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There was a young fellow named Meek
Who invented a lingual technique.
It drove women frantic
And made them romantic,
And wore all the hair off his cheek.
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There once was a handsome young seaman
Who with ladies was really a demon.
In peace or in war,
At sea or on shore,
He could certainly dish out the semen.
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There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went for a walk with a builder.
He knew that he could,
And he should, and he would –
And he did – and he goddamn near killed her.
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I HOPE YOU ENJOY THEM
everyuselessthing.com 