In keeping with the name of this blog, here are a few tidbits and quotes of totally useless information to help kickstart your Summer.
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Keen on disproving a key point made on an episode of CSI, a 55-year-old South Dakota man was killed in 2007 after shooting himself in the stomach, despite a script that showed otherwise. Sadly, he was absolutely correct
I think more people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. Nancy Reagan
An accident on the north end of Boston on January 15, 1919, flooded the area with 2 1/2 million gallons of molasses in a wave as much as 15 feet high. 21 people were killed, and 150 more were injured.
If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it. Jonathan Winters
Theodore Roosevelt was shot as he campaigned for the presidency in 1912. The bullet hit him in the chest but not before passing through his glasses case and the speech he had folded in his pocket. Roosevelt received a superficial wound and finished his speech before going to the hospital for treatment 90 min. later.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. Timothy Leary
FYI – Egyptian artwork from 3000 years ago reveals Bes, the God of birth and carnal pleasures, wearing a condom type device. The Chinese were said to have worn a silk sheath as a prophylactic 2000 years ago.
Women should be obscene and not heard. Groucho Marx
In the National Basketball Association’s first season, 1946-47, the top paid player was Detroit’s Tom King, who made $16,500. He also acted as the team’s publicity manager and business director. Just like today LOL.
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you’re busy interrupting. Mark Twain
As a kid I learned to read the newspapers from my parents. At that time there was very little current event news available except by newspaper due to the fact there was no Internet and in my case no television. You either picked up the local news by radio or from the newspapers. In my later years I occasionally read newspapers on Sunday mornings, and it took a couple of hours because the newspapers were at least 3 inches thick. A few years later I again took to reading the Sunday papers primarily looking for jobs. I never really appreciated the newspapers like I should have and there are times I do miss being able to wake up on a Sunday morning, make a huge mug of hot coffee, and sit and read every word of every page of the New York Times or the Pittsburgh Press. Unfortunately, with the passing of time newspapers are slowly fading away. I can’t let that happen without having a little fun with them before they’re all gone which means today, you’re going to get some more of our more humorous newspaper headlines supplied by many alleged professional editors. Have fun with it.
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Alzheimer’s Center Prepares for an Affair to Remember
Being born and raised in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania requires from an early age that you be a Steeler fan and a Pirates fan. I guess I’m kind of a fair-weather fan and have staunchly followed the Steelers passionately for decades. The Pirates not so much. They’ve had a few good years here and there from the 1960 World Championship to the years with Willie Stargel and his teammates. They’ve attempted over the years to obtain players with high expectations i.e. Dave Parker, with little or no success. Today I’ll tell you a short story about one of their outstanding choices, Dock Ellis.
In June of 1970 the Pirates finished a two-game series in San Francisco and were enroute to San Diego, and it was not Ellise’s turn to pitch. He spent the day prior in Los Angeles with friends, relaxing, and dropping acid. It wasn’t until the morning of the 12th that his friend’s girlfriend told him the Pirates had a doubleheader in San Diego that afternoon and because of the extra game, Ellis was expected to take the mound. He hopped onto a shuttle and made it to the ballpark just in time to start his game. Through the nine innings he pitched, he struck out six batters, walked eight, but gave up no hits and won the game, 2-0. He later stated “I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I was zeroed in on the catcher’s glove, but I didn’t hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters, and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn’t.”
Ellis was known as an “odd duck” when he showed up at pregame warmups wearing hair curlers. It took an order from the Commissioner of Baseball to stop the madness. He had incredible pitching skills with a superhuman and high velocity fastball. In 1974, while pitching against the Cincinnati Reds, he hoped to motivate his team by taking aim at the other teams’ players – literally. In the first inning alone, he beaned three players (including Pete Rose) before throwing the ball behind Hall of Fame catcher Johnny Bench’s head, after which he was promptly removed from the game.
Since the Pirates are having a moderately successful season this year, I can only assume they’ve stopped using the same set of requirements that brought them Dock Ellis. I’m yet to be convinced like so many die-hard fans seem to be. I’ll wait and see like I’ve done for decades with my fingers crossed and my head firmly buried in the sand.
We humans are a superstitious lot. We love things that make us shiver and if we run out of those kinds of things, someone steps forward to think up some new ones. I guess we need a certain level of that superstitious nonsense to make our lives a little more interesting and give us something to chitchat about with our friends. I’m all for bizarre and crazy superstitions but I decided to do a little research to try and determine where they actually originated. I’ve had a little success and I’ll pass that information along to you now.
FOUR LEAF CLOVERS
A lot of things from the ancient world are laid at the feet of the Druids. They seem to be a catchall for anything that no one can identify or explain. Well, it appears that the four-leaf clover superstition actually did originate with the Druids. During many of their rituals several times a year they gathered at Oak tree groves to settle disputes and make other sacrifices. They ended these gatherings by looking for four leaf clovers because they believe it helped the owner to perceive evil spirits and witches so they could avoid them. Sounds good to me but I.ve found a number of them over the years and I have yet to see any evil spirits or witches. All I ever saw were bitches not witches. I guess I’m no Druid.
KNOCKING ON WOOD
Some claim that this superstition came from a religious source during the Middle Ages. I assume it was because Christ was crucified on a wooden cross, but it certainly didn’t bring him much luck. Both Native Americans and the ancient Greeks developed the belief independently that oak trees were the domain of important gods. By knocking on wood, they were communicating with the gods to ask for forgiveness. The Greeks passed the tradition along to the Romans and it became part of European lore. The religious types adopted it for their own use as they are apt to do even now.
Even celebrities, my readers favorite topic, believe in superstitions.
First on my list is John Madden former coach of the Oakland Raiders football team. He wouldn’t let the team leave the locker room until running back Mark Van Egan had belched. I’d love to hear the backstory on how that developed.
Tennis player Jimmy Connors wouldn’t compete in a tennis match without a little note from his grandmother tucked into his sock.
Former Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordan always wore the shorts from his college basketball uniform under his professional uniform. “As long as I have these shorts on… I feel confident,” he said.
Tennis player John McEnroe thinks it’s bad luck to play a match on Thursday the 12th. He is also careful to avoid stepping on the white lines of the tennis court. Strange but true.
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The only superstition in my family was that if we kids made a great deal of noise and commotion, there would be hell to pay. Especially if the head god (my father) happened to be napping. There would be no luck but bad luck then.
Here are a few samples of some silly things that prompt many of the posts I write on current societal changes. Some I’ve personally experienced, and others were reported to me by friends, readers, and co-workers. God help us all.
In a semi-rural area. a new neighbor called the local town hall administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars, and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Once at a local Taco Bell a taco was ordered. I requested “minimal lettuce.” The server said he was sorry, but they only had “Iceberg”.
At the airport check-in an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything into your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”
The stoplight at the intersection buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine (in my opinion), when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”
At a good-bye lunch for a coworker who was leaving the company due to “downsizing” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken.
I once worked with an individual who plugged her computer power strip back into itself and couldn’t understand why her system wouldn’t turn on.
Upon arriving at an automobile dealership to pick up my car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. The service department had a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger’s side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open.” The young man answered, “I already got that side.”
I’m a huge fan of statistics. No matter how you shake them out you can always get them to support your idea. I know because I’ve done it a few times myself and they made me look awfully smart. So, when I see information published and supported by statistics, I can’t wait to see how silly they are and how they might have been manipulated. Here are a few that made me smile.
You’re unlikely to kill yourself by attempting suicide. Fewer than one in twenty-five suicide attempts are successful unless your a senior citizen. They take it more serious with a success rate of one in four.
More than 70% of serious injuries at American colleges and universities are caused by cheerleading.
You have a better chance of being killed by a donkey than of dying in a plane crash.
You’re slightly more likely to die from a cave-in than from contact with tap water.
It’s more likely you will die from your pajamas catching fire than from the bite of a venomous spider.
Mosquitos are the deadliest animal on earth causing human deaths at 600,000 per year.
More people are killed each year by freshwater snails than by salt-water crocodiles.
You’re slightly more likely to drown in a bathtub than to die from electrocution.
More than 100 billion (give or take a few million) people have died in the history of the world.
And last a really stupid death. Cynthia was a topless dancer who died while performing her famous act of jumping out of a cake. Unfortunately, the cake was well constructed and apparently airtight. Cynthia suffocated after waiting 90 minutes to surprise the lucky groom.
I’ve always been a people watcher and loved nothing more than to talk to someone I’ve never met before. People interest me primarily because I made my living talking to them. I was at times surprised and shocked by some of their attempts to communicate with me, either on the phone, in person, or in their writings. I was cleaning out some old files recently and came upon a handwritten resume I received for a job I’d posted for a multi-state investigator position (many years ago). The job had quite a bit of responsibility for multiple locations in a number of surrounding states. Needless to say, I needed someone absolutely trustworthy. I’ll type the body of this resume I received because the handwriting was god-awful. My question to you is: Would you have hired this person to secure your business, home, family or belongings?
Here are excerpts from one of the strangest resumes I’ve ever received. I’ve tried to correct some of the many spelling and grammar errors, or you wouldn’t be able to understand much of this at all. Read on.
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As I answer your advertisement in the newspaper, I would like to tell you something about myself. And of my background. I am not Hispanic! I was married and divorced from a Spaniard and never remarried. I have military and police corrections background. I also have approximately 23 years of retail sales experience, having worked for a number of the larger well-known department stores.
I have traveled extensively over the U.S.A. I grew up in a white ghetto, married a newsman, work in a hospital as a CSR tech. I study law as a hobby but not in the classroom, although I do have two years of college.
I know street language, jail jargon, drug language, petty theft, organized crime and white-collar crime. I do not know much about ballistics.
Because of my background, my Social Security number is being used by four or five people for fraud. That makes it difficult for me to find work. I have never been arrested, charged, or anything similar to it. But the ones using my Social Security numbers have various backgrounds.
I qualify for the for the newly emerging veterans training program, on-the-job training. My salary would be open to negotiations. I look forward to hearing from you.
Thank you,
Sincerely and as always, I’m just a gal named Gus
(I can and will relocate or travel)
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After attempting to read and understand the resume, I contacted the local authorities and much to my surprise she was well known in the area as a questionable individual (and not in a good way). I actually responded to her letter to let her know I was running a background check with local police. It came as no surprise to me that she never responded. The refusal letter came back unclaimed.
I’m feeling especially nostalgic today and I’m not sure exactly why. I do enjoy looking back to times that make me smile or laugh out loud which brings me immediately back to the 1990’s. I’m going to relive a few things concerning the 42nd President, Wild Bill Clinton, and his charming yet annoying pant-suited wife Hilary. I admit that Joe Biden is something of an idiot but not in a good way. Clinton was up front about most of his idiotic proclivities because we all knew he was just a six-foot-tall penis looking for a place to play. Also, being married to Hilary garnered him a great deal of sympathy from both the Right and the Left. As a couple they were the best targets for ridicule in decades. Never let it be said that I didn’t give an appropriate mention of his favorite cigar toting pal, Monica Lewinsky (the human humidifier).
Here are a few interesting quotes that will bring back all of the memories of those disturbing years.
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Bill, referring to an excavated Incan mummy.
“You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That’s a good looking mummy!”
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Bill, after receiving the Romanian flag while visiting there.
“Thanks for the poncho.”
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Bill, on the UN operation in Bosnia.
“It has not worked. No one can say it has worked, so I decided that we’re either going to do what we said we’re going to do with the UN, or we’re going to do something else.”
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Now for a couple pearls of wisdom from his loving yet understanding better-half.
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President.”
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“Give Bill a second term, and Al Gore and I will be turned loose to do what we really want to do.”
I was wondering to myself if the response to this posting will be affected by the unusual title. I guess I’ll have my answer sometime tomorrow, but nothing would really surprise me. It’s just my sneaky way of beginning a post on religion. I’m not a big fan as you would already know if you’ve read this blog in the past. I have a friend or two that are true believers, and this is my subtle way of expressing my thoughts on the subject. Many religious folks enjoy using their religions sacred writings to make their points with me, but I find that a bit ludicrous. To take those documents as the literal word of some god is frightening in its naivete. Here are a few blurbs from various religions to help me make my point once again.
According to the Bible If your wife defends your life in a fight by grabbing your attackers genitals, you should cut off your wife’s hand and have no pity on her.
If robbers came to your house while you were having guests, it’s better to offer up your two virgin daughters to the robbers than for your guests to come to any harm.
The proper way to seal a deal in the Bible is to exchange sandals.
More than 60% of Americans think the story of Noah’s Ark is literal truth.
It is better to dwell alone in the desert than at home with a nagging and complaining wife. (Proverbs 21:19)
More than 46% of Americans believe God created humans in their present form, at one time, within the last 10,000 years.
God has commanded Mormons to avoid coffee and tea.
On the eve of Yom Kippur, some observant Jews swing live chickens over their head three times to atone for their sins. It’s called kaparos.
If you want to sleep with your brother’s wife, it’s better to masturbate – or better yet, to pull out early and ejaculate on the ground, in order to avoid getting her pregnant.
Men should not shave any parts of their head and beards.
May the Lord bless everyone who beats your children against the rocks. (Psalm 137:9)
Mormons believe that the Garden of Eden was located in northern Missouri.
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