Archive for the ‘writing’ Category

01/03/2026 💥2026 1ST LIMERICK ALERT💥   Leave a comment

We’re three days into the new year which naturally demands a fresh batch of cute and bawdy limericks. These might be considered unacceptable for the younger children so DON’T LET THEM READ THEM. I’d rate them as “PG”, so consider yourself warned. Here we go . . .

💥

There was a young sailor named Bates

Who did the fandango on skates.

He fell on his cutlass

Which rendered him nutless

And practically useless on dates.

💥💥

I lost my arm in the army,

I lost my leg in the navy,

I lost my balls

Over Niagra Falls,

And I lost my cock in a lady.

💥💥💥

A lady both athletic and handsome

Got wedged in her bedrooms transom.

When she offered much gold

For release, she was told

That the view was worth more than the ransom.

💥💥💥💥

There was a young maid from Madras

Who had a magnificent ass;

Not rounded and pink,

As you’d probably think –

It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.

💥💥✝️💥💥

And here’s a fav from a long-term recovering Catholic.

❤️❤️❤️

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,

Complacently stroking his madam,

And loud was his mirth

For on all of the earth

There were only two balls – and he had’em.

❤️❤️❤️

HAPPY NEW YEAR

12/30/2025 🎉NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS 2025🎉   Leave a comment

I realize that it may be a little too early to be posting on this subject but what the hell. Every year I tease myself by listing a number of resolutions for the new year. My success rate leaves much to be desired but occasionally I actually DO complete a few. I’m posting early because my rate of success this year has been dismal. I’d blame some of it on my better-half who just completed her first year of retirement. To say she’s been a huge distraction is an understatement – goodbye to my wonderful days of PEACE & QUIET. Here’s my list for 2025 and all my lame excuses.

Read at least 100 books by years end (more if possible). If I finish reading my current book by years-end I will have read only 88 books. FAILED

Complete at least four illustrations for use as gifts for next Christmas. COMPLETED

Complete one sculpture using a technique I haven’t used before. FAILED – Due to my total lack of interest and laziness. Maybe this coming year I can get it done.

Show more patience to my better-half’s retirement adjustments. COMPLETED – I’ve shown more patience than ever before but I have a long way to go to satisfy her.

Attempt to write some serious poetry that’s worth reading. FAILED – Completed a few poems and a couple of limericks but I wasn’t happy with the less than adequate results.

Continued monitoring of the grandsons for new and exciting cuss words. COMPLETED – This may have been the easiest one to complete. It’s official, and thanks to day care, school, and some family adults the “F-Bomb” has been released. I’m so proud!!

Continue to ignore all of the weird and bizarre health tips from the Internet. COMPLETED – Thanks to all you internet experts and your misguided and incorrect medical BS.

My final tally was disappointing – 4 of 7 completed. I still have a few weeks to give a great deal of thought for my resolutions for 2026. It’s good to set goals even if you’re reasonably certain they won’t all be met.

🎊🎊🎊

BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR

12/23/2025 💥💥Old West Limerick Alert💥💥💥   Leave a comment

I’ve always been a huge fan of westerns especially those starring John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. The western genre has also been exported to the entire planet making it possible to see many fans wearing boots and cowboy hats even in Japan. We’re in the final days leading up to the holiday and what better way to relax from all of the Christmas insanity, than to take a short mental trip to the Old West by way of limericks. These should be considered “PG”. Enjoy . . . Partner!

💥

While awaiting the Sioux to disband,

Colonel Custer took matters in hand.

Despite his dejection

He achieved an erection.

That was almost Custer’s Last Stand.

💥💥

A virgin who came from Durango

Always diddled herself with a mango.

“It’s delightful,” she said,

“To lie on the bed,

And put it where I won’t let a man go.”

💥💥💥

The explorers Lewis and Clark

Found their expedition something of a lark,

For Sacagawea,

Let both of them lay’er

That discovery they kept in the dark.

💥💥💥💥

The caldrons of Yellowstone Park

Are no place to have sex in the dark.

A young ranger tried –

Now his balls look deep-fried

And his prick like a stick sans its bark.

❤️❤️❤️

ONLY TWO SHOPPING DAYS LEFT

12/13/2025 🌲”USELESS XMAS INFO”🌲   2 comments

Once reported from the Danbury, Connecticut Mall: Santa Claus advised that a woman who sat on his lap had been more naughty than nice. She had openly groped him after waiting patiently in line. Police reported that “A security officer did notified them that Santa had been sexually assaulted.” The 33 year old suspect in question was charged with sexual assault and breach of the peace. She was released on her own recognizance and promised to appear in court in January.

(Sounds like “lump of coal” time to me.)

🧑‍🎄

Now, here’s a short list of the many and varied ways you can say Merry Christmas around the world. It may not interest some of you and that’s okay, enjoy them anyway.

Glaedelig Jul – Danish

Vrolijike Kerst – Dutch

Hyvvaa Joulua – Finnish

Kala Christouyenna – Greek

Gledileg Jol – Icelandic

Buon Natale – Italian

God Jul – Norwegian

Feliz Natal – Portuguese

God Jul – Swedish

Iyi Noeller – Turkish

🎁

There’s always room for more Christmas trivia. It’s a good thing to learn and understand just how this holiday has developed and been interpreted around the world for so many different cultures.

  • Christmas Eve in Japan is a good day to eat fried chicken and strawberry shortcake.
  • Michigan has no official state song, but one, ‘Michigan, My Michigan,’ is frequently used. The words were written in 1863, and the melody used is that of the Christmas song “O Tannenbaum”.
  • Electric Christmas lights were first used in 1854.
  • America’s official national Christmas tree is located in King’s Canyon National Park in California. The tree, a giant sequoia called the “General Grant Tree”, is over 90 meters (300 feet) high, and was made the official Christmas tree in 1925.
  • The first department store to feature a visit with Santa was the J. W. Parkinson’s store in Philadelphia in 1841. Astonishingly, no other department stores copied this event until 1890 when a store in Boston repeated it. Before long lines of children formed at stores across America to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him their Christmas wish list. The department store Santa has been immortalized in films such as Miracle on 34th Street and Christmas Story.
  • “Jingle Bells” was originally written for a Thanksgiving celebration, in 1857.

❄️

WHO DOESN’T LUV THE X-MAS CAT?

❤️❤️❤️

Well, there you have it. Another short collection of useless Christmas trivia to help you get holly and jolly before the big day gets here.

HO! HO! HO!

(13 Days Left)

12/11/2025 💥💥HOLIDAY LIMERICK ALERT💥💥   Leave a comment

I guess I’m feeling a slight tingle of Christmas spirit this week. Being filled with the spirit tends to make me feel a little lazy. So, after my third, forth, and fifth rum soaked eggnogs I decided to dive into some of my older archives for a few Christmas inspired limericks. Here goes nothing . . .

🎅

Santa came home with a reindeer

And Mrs. Claus said with a sneer

‘Did you have to bring

That horny old thing?’

Rudolph said, ‘Madam, he lives here.’

🧑‍🎄🧑‍🎄

An elf said to Santa: “Oh Dear,

We’ve not enough presents this year”

That made St. Nick think:

Now he’d given up drink

He could give all the children some beer!

🎁🎁🎁

I saw my mom and Santa having a chat

She told him he was much too fat

She then grabbed his behind

With eyes closed kissed him blind

Then they both fell down on the mat.

🤶🤶🤶🤶

Old Santa got drunk on warm ale

“I’m too old for Christmas” his wail

“But what of the toys

For the good girls and boys?”

“I’ll send all their presents by mail!”

🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲

With the holidays on the horizon,

I placed twenty calls to Verizon.

They stuck me on hold

Til my dinner got cold.

And I still absolutely despise them.

❄️❄️❄️

HO! HO! HO! 14 DAYS TO GO

12/09/2025 💥💥RETRO LIMERICK ALERT💥💥   Leave a comment

With the holiday season in full swing I thought I should offer up some of my own holiday-spirit poetry original written in the 1920’s and 1930’s. A few off-color rhymes to help celebrate this holiest of seasons (sarcasm off) in my own special way. These should be rated “PG” so keep the kids away if you can.

1927

There was a young lady named Maud
A terrible society fraud.
In company, I’m told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh My God!

1939

There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
but he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but the wrong pew.

1938

There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To – I won’t say a bitch –
But a woman of no reputation.

1940

In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.

💥💥💥

And here’s my favorite, a salute from my birth year (1946) to all my Texas readers.

A girl named Alice, in Dallas,

Had never felt of a phallus.

She remained virgo intacto,

Because, ipso facto,

No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.

❤️❤️❤️

12/06/2025 “THANKS ISAAC”   Leave a comment

I’ve spent a few nights recently getting reacquainted with Isaac Azimov’s Foundation series. It’s a classic creation that I’ve read a number of times over the years and it’s still a great read. Being a huge fan of Azimov I still read the story in absolute amazement much like I get when I read the writings of J.R.R. Tolkien. How their minds work to write these amazing stories puzzles me but I still enjoy every minute spent reading them. Todays post will contain a group of unrelated facts collected by Azimov over the years and I thought you might enjoy them.

  • After the most recent North American glacier ended its southward advance about 11,000 years ago, it took more than 4,000 years for the mile-deep ice mass to melt from the present site of Hartford, Connecticut to that of St. John’s, Vermont, a distance of 190 miles.
  • The Earth receives only one-half of one-billionth of the sun’s radiant energy. But in just a few days it gets as much heat and light as could be produced by burning all of the oil, coal, and wood on this planet.
  • The first English settlement in what became New England was founded 13 years before the arrival of the Pilgrim’s. In 1607, a settlement was established at Popham Beach, Maine. After a year, its inhabitants found the climate too harsh, and departed.
  • During most of the Middle Ages, few people, including kings and emperors, were able to read or write. The clergy were virtually the only ones who possessed those skills.

  • Blue Laws became known as such because of the color of the paper on which they were printed. In 1665, Theophilus Eaton, governor of the New Haven Colony, and a friend, clergyman John Davenport, drew up the strict legal code regulating personal conduct that subsequently became known as the Blue Laws.
  • Dr. Samuel A. Mudd, was sentenced to life in prison for splinting the fractured leg of Abraham Lincoln’s assassin, John Wilkes Booth, became a hero to guards and inmates of his island prison when he stopped a yellow-fever epidemic there, in 1868, after all of the Army doctors had died. President. Johnson, Lincoln’s successor, pardoned Mudd in early 1869.
  • Until the “pooper-scooper law” was passed in 1978, the 500,000 dogs in New York City deposited 175 pounds of fecal matter on the streets each day. The law requires dog owners to clean up after their dogs, on penalty of fines up to $100. Most dog owners comply, and New York City is much cleaner.
  • President Lincoln’s only son to live to manhood – Robert Todd Lincoln – was at hand at the assassinations of three Presidents: his father’s, Garfield’s, and McKinley. He was called to the house where his father was dying; arrived only moments after Garfield was shot in the capital and McKinley was shot in Buffalo.
THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND

12/02/2025 “HOLY ROLLER QUIZ”   Leave a comment

Well, with Thanksgiving behind us we’re on our way to the Christmas Holiday that once was primarily religious but has since morphed into nothing but SALES, SALES, SALES. It’s more like an Amazonian celebration where money is God, porch piracy rules all during this holiest Black Friday month. I understand that I’m being a touch facetious but who really cares. I’m a non-religious person who harkens back to a childhood that was as religious as it could get. Fond memories of my crazy Catholic mother and her truckload of religious statues and paraphernalia of all things Catholic.

Todays post is my way of reintroducing religion to the holiday narrative in 2025, tongue-in-cheek all the way. I hope some of the Bible thumpers out there know at least some of the answers because I didn’t. As always the correct answers will be listed below.

THE THIEVES

Who stole idols from her father?

What robber was released from prison at the time of the Passover?

According to Malachi, what were the people of Judah stealing from God?

Who was stoned for stealing booty during the battle for Ai?

Which epistles say that the day of the Lord will come like a thief?

What disciple stole from the treasury?

BONUS QUESTION
(To help you get at least one answer correct)

Who committed the first murder?

✝️✡️☪️🕎☯️

Answers
Rachel (Genesis 31:19), Barabbas (John 18:40), The tithes they owed (Malachi 3:8), Achan (Joshua 7:10-26),1 Thessalonians (5:2) and 2 Peter (3:10), Judas Iscariot (John 12:4-6), Cain, who murdered his brother (Genesis 4:8).

(I scored a measly 3 of 7)

11/25/2025 💥💥LIMERICK ALERT💥💥   Leave a comment

I made a bulk purchase recently from an on-line book seller and received a random collection that I thought were interesting. In that pile was a book of limericks obviously written by or for children. I’m a big fan of limericks of all types and found these to be just plain fun. These are rated “G” and should make you grin a little.

💥

Fun loving Steve is quite spunky.

He’s out every night getting funky.

Tonight he’s at Anna’s

with a bunch of bananas.

Did I mention that Steve is a monkey?

💥💥

Early one Mother’s Day, Jake

decided that he liked to bake

a pie for his mother,

but soon he’d discover

it surely was no piece of cake.

💥💥💥

Our little Welsh corgi named Bramley

does not like our mailman, Stanley.

He’ll tear cross the floor,

bark and leap at the door,

and then act like he’s just saved our family.

💥💥💥💥

Our neighbor is nice Mrs. Rands.

She forgets names and faces and plans.

She has such amnesia

that each time she sees ya,

she tells you her name and shakes hands.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

SPECIAL THANKS TO BRIAN CLEARY

11/15/2025 💥💥Limerick Alert💥💥   Leave a comment

I thought a little sampling of limericks was in order for today. I’m normally cautious when posting limericks but today I’ll throw caution to the wind and just give you a taste of limericks from the 1920’s. It’s always fun to reminisce about the good old days and some of their limericks were outrageous and unpostable. I rate these PG-13 but you decide. I hope you enjoy them.

💥

There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born.
And he wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
At the end of the condom was torn.

💥💥

There was a young lady named Flo
Whose lover had pulled out to slow.
So they tried it all night
Tilley got it just right
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.

💥💥💥

There was a young lady of Lout
Who suddenly grew very stout.
Her mother said, “Nellie,
There’s more in your belly
Then ever went in through your mouth.”

💥💥💥💥

My wife Myrtle’s womb has a habit
Of expanding whenever I stab it.
What’s more, my wife Myrtle
Is so wondrously fertile,
That she’s giving me kids like a rabbit.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

OLDIES BUT GOODIES