I stumbled across a rather large collection of really stupid newspaper headlines this week. I just can’t resist throwing a few of them your way. This kind of stuff just boggles the mind. The first one is the classic screw up and must be seen again.
DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO THE POPE
PANDA MATING FAILS, VETERINARION TAKES OVER
CLINTON WINS BUDGET, MORE LIES AHEAD
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
I especially like the Clinton one. I wonder if the editor got reprimanded. That would have been a big NO-NO for a liberal newspaper. Let’s continue.
COUPLE SLAIN, POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
ILLITERATE? WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP
LOW WAGES SAID KEY TO POVERTY
It’s hard to believe just how many of these I’ve collected. I should start posting only the ones that are well written and correct. It’s a much smaller number to deal with.
OVER THE HUMP DAY
I’ve been a lover of baseball since the age of six. I’ve played in the LL Minor Leagues, LL Major Leagues, Pony League, Senior Little League, High School (4 years), and American Legion ball. I figure that gives me the right to have a little fun at the expense of some of my favorite players. I remain respectful of these men, but I still think some of the things they say in front of the microphone are hysterically funny. Here are a few . . .
- “Any pitcher who throws at a batter and deliberately tries to hit him is a Communist” Alvin Dark, NY Giant infielder.
- “If Jesus were on the field, he’d be pitching inside and breaking up double plays. He’d be high-fiving the other guys.” Tim Burke, Montreal Expos pitcher.
- “I am throwing twice as hard as I ever did. It’s just not getting there as fast.” Lefty Gomez, NY Yankee pitcher.
- “I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.” Tug Mcgraw, NL pitcher, when asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf.
- “The doctors x-rayed by head and found nothing.” Dizzy Dean, NL pitcher, after being beaned in the 1934 World Series.
- “I was the worst hitter ever. I never even broke a bat until last year when I was backing out of the garage.” Left Gomez, NY Yankee pitcher.
- “Well, that kind of puts a damper on even a Yankee win.” Phil Rizzuto, Yankee broadcaster, upon hearing that Pope Paul had died.
- “His (Dwight Gooden’s) reputation preceded him before he got here.” Don Mattingly, NY Yankee infielder.
- “It would take some of the lust off the All-Star game.” Pete Rose, REDS infielder when asked about inter-league play.
- “I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.” Andre Dawson, Cubs outfielder on being a role model.
No, I haven’t forgotten about quotes and sayings by Yogi Berra. I would have to write a short novel to include all of his silliness. I’ll post something on Yogi eventually but it’s hard to choose just ten out of the hundreds available. LOL
PLAY BALL!!!
I know I’ve been promising a post of really extreme limericks. I’ve hesitated because of the kids who might read this blog when their parents aren’t paying attention. Some limericks are written just for kids, funny ones for everyone, suggestive ones for others, and then comes the dirty, naughty, extra naughty, and last but not least the downright filthy. I’ve been taking this process slowly until I can find a way to post the really filthy ones but until then I’ll give you a few naughty ones to wet your limerick whistles.
😏😏😏
There was a young man from Dumfries
Who said to his girl “please,
It would give me great bliss
If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these.
😜😜😜
An old archaeologist, Throstle,
Discovered a marvelous fossil.
He knew from its bend
And the knob at the end,
T’was the peter of Paul the Apostle.
🤩🤩🤩
There was a young fellow named Menzies
Whose kissing sent girls into frenzies.
But a virgin, one night,
Crossed her legs in a fright,
And fractured his bi-focal lenzies.
🤣🤣🤣
A gay man who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued a lot
About who should do what,
And quite how and with what and to whom.
HAVE A GREAT WEEK
I’m a huge fan of all things weird and unusual. The odder the better. I do know that many people who read my posts sometimes question the information I provide. I won’t say what I’m thinking but “KMA” immediately comes to mind. Anyone who lives with, near, or is part of the human race should realize that the weirder the facts, the more likely they are true. This is a weird, strange and odd planet and no one should be surprised by anything. Here’s my contribution for today.
- Hippopotamus sweat is pink. It’s a combination of clear sweat and reddish hipposudoric acid secreted by the hippo. It helps protect them from sunburn and harmful bacteria.
- Killer whales eat deer. It’s been reported in Alaska that deer are sometimes snatched by the orca’s when they attempt to take a dip in the water.
- Thousands of human beings travel thousands of miles in the Fall to watch leaves die. Weird? Yes. True? Yes.
- Bananas are technically berries. Strawberries and raspberries are not.
- An average size human being could swim through the veins of a blue whale. The average whale’s heart is the size of a car.
- Although the earth is 70% water, just 1% of it is considered drinkable.
- Algae and plankton produce more oxygen than trees.
- There are more trees on earth than there are stars in the Milky Way. Astronomers estimate that there are approximately 200-400 billion stars in the Milky Way, while scientists say the Earth contains 3 trillion trees.
- Marijuana and the hops in your beer come from the same plant family. The Cannabaceae family also contains plants known as hackberries.
- Samuel L. Jackson once held Martin Luther King Sr. hostage. During his college days, Jackson was part of a group that held the Morehead College Board of Trustees hostage. MLK Sr. was one of them.
WEIRD BUT TRUE
The Egg? Over the years I’ve come to love eggs and eat them as often as I can. Sometimes as an entre and most times added to other dishes. Even though after all these years there’s still certain groups of alleged experts who insist that eggs are unhealthy. To them I give the “one finger salute”. So now we know I love eggs, but I found out recently that eggs have always been the topic of conversations both good and bad for hundreds if not thousands of years. Human beings are superstitious about everything it seems, even the egg. Here are just a few examples.
- In the far past eggs were not only a protein source but a source of all magic. They were the universal symbol of the beginning of life, fertility, and resurrection. To watch a baby robin pecking its way out of an eggshell remains an awesome experience.
- It is bad luck to bring a bird’s egg into the house.
- The yellow yolk of an egg had the power to cast out the evil eye. Egg worshiping cults existed on Easter Island and in numerous places in South America. Ancient Egyptians believed the one supreme life was in the egg. This belief was expressed in their hieroglyphics for their sun god Ra.
- Many superstitions about eggs still exist, especially in rural areas. One such belief is that if you see many broken eggs, you will soon have a lawsuit on your hands.
- If you find a snake’s egg in a hen’s nest, your friends are really your enemies.
- If a woman dreams of eggs, she will quarrel with her friends.
- Two yolks in one egg means good luck for the one who eats them.
- Eggs laid on Fridays will cure stomach-aches.
Eggs were never a superstition for me, but I did have a quirk or two concerning them. I still refuse to hang out in any bar that doesn’t have a large jar of pickled eggs available. I no longer drink beer but there was many a time I topped off a cold Iron City beer with a raw egg. Tasted great and slid right down.
WHO DOESN’T LOVE EGGS?
When I’m writing this blog, I continuously edit myself because I make tons of errors in spelling and grammar. It concerns me only because I don’t care to look like a moron when I’m posting some of my material. I wish I could say the same for everyone, but I can’t. As I read through my research material, I continually find mistakes, obvious mistakes, that have made it through three levels of editors and finally published and released to the public. It boggles my mind some of the things I’ve read in recent weeks and I’m going to share some of them with you now. It still amazes me how people rely on newspapers and their alleged accuracy. It’s time for some really stupid headlines.
- Police Suspicious After Body Found in a Graveyard
- Male infertility Can Be Passed on to Children
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe
- Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Can you believe this stuff? I can’t. Now I want to move on to some other things that I’ve noticed on websites like Craigslist. It’s apparent to me that editing is not permitted on these sites and here’s the results:
- Free Yorkshire Terrier: eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
- Georgia Peaches – California grown -$.89 per pound
- Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer – $300
- Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
- Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
That’s about enough for me. As Ron White always says, “You can’t fix stupid”.
THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE IS GUINESSES, LOL
It’s 7am and I’m sitting here drinking my coffee and staring out the window. It’s a sky full or gray and dark clouds and a light annoying rain. I get to top that off with another annoying doctors visit later in the day. How did I ever manage to stay alive this long before I had all these experts making me pay for the privilege?
I feel better now that I’ve gotten that whine out of the way. I think todays post should consist of a general list of interesting oddities. It’s just what the doctor ordered (no pun intended). Enjoy . . .
- In the 10th century, the Grand Viser of Persia, carried 117,000 books with him as he traveled. It took 400 camels to carry all of the volumes.
- Sportscaster Foster Hewitt is credited with being the first person to say, “He shoots! He scores!” It happened at a hockey game between 1931 and 1935.
- In 1985, 300 people who were alive in 1910 gathered to watch Haley’s Comet make its first return to Earth in 75 years.
- In 1967, the town of St. Paul, Alberta, built the world’s first UFO landing pad as a project to mark Canada’s 100th birthday.
- A typical child laughs 26.67 times more per day than the typical adult.
- Vatican City claims the honor of having both the lowest divorce rate and the lowest birth rate of anywhere in the world.
- The first snowboard was called a “snurfer” and was made with two skis attached together.
- The “Spirit of Ecstasy” is the name of the sculpture on the hood ornament of a Rolls-Royce.
- Each of your nostril’s registers smell differently. Your right nostril detects the more pleasant smells, but your left one is more accurate.
- It has been reported in Ripley’s Believe It or Not that the toe tag from the corpse of Lee Harvey Oswald, President Kennedy’s alleged assassin, sold at auction for $9500.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It is an open question whether any behavior
based on fear of eternal punishment can be
regarded as ethical or should be regarded
as merely cowardly.”
Margaret Mead
‘
Recently while watching Facebook, I was entertained by a British comedian whose name I can’t remember, and his whole routine was based on mishearing or misreading music lyrics. He was hysterically funny and motivated me to do a little more research on the subject. Here are few samples of misheard lyrics that I’ve stumbled upon and will share with you.
- “Gladly, the cross-eyed bear” This was taken from an old hymn, “Gladly the Cross I’d Bear”
- “Dead ants are my friends, they’re blowing in the wind” from Bob Dylan, “The answer my friend is blow’in in the wind.”
- “There’s a bathroom on the right.” Creedence Clearwater Revival, “There’s a bad moon on the rise.”
- “Doughnuts make my brown eyes blue.” Crystal Gayle, “Don’t it make my brown eyes blue.”
- “Just brush my teeth before you leave me.” Juice Newton, “Just touch my cheek before you leave me.”
- “Baking carrot biscuits.” Bachman-Turner Overdrive, “Taking care of business.”
- “I am a pool hall ace.” The Police, “My poor heart aches.”
- “The girl with colitis goes by.” The Beatles, “The girl with kaleidoscope eyes.”
- “You and me and Leslie.” The Rascals, “You and me endlessly.”
- “Midnight after you’re wasted.” Maria Muldaur, “Midnight at the oasis.”
I’m sure this has happened to all of us at one time or another as we cruised around in our car with the radio blaring. Traffic noises mixed with loud rock music and garbled lyrics make for some interesting mistakes. One or two of the ones listed above sound very similar to some I’ve made and there are many more but I’m not listing them. It’s a little embarrassing.
REGARDLESS, LUV THE MUSIC
It’s Tuesday but unfortunately it feels a lot like Monday. I have about two hours to kill before a doctor’s appointment and I need to get this posting finished before I go. I thought I’d share with you some truths about people that are a little odd and interesting.
- Tattoos have apparently been around for a very long time. In 1990, the frozen and well-preserved remains of a Bronze Age man was found between Austria and Italy in the Alps. The so-called “Iceman”, as he was dubbed, is believed to be more than 5000 years old, and he clearly had a series of lines tattooed on his lower back, ankles, knees, and foot. Possibly the very first “tramp stamp”.
- The human head is a quarter of our total length at birth but only an eighth of our total length by the time we reach adulthood. It’s too bad this doesn’t apply to other body parts.
- Food typically travels from the mouth, through the esophagus, and into the stomach in just 7 seconds. Just so you know, it works for beer as well.
- At age 77, New Yorker Clarence Kinder won $50,000 on the state lottery on a Thursday night – and died from a heart attack the following day. A 24-hour success story.
- The British royal family changed its name from “Sax-Coburg and Gotha” to “Windsor” in 1917, during World War I, because it sounded too German. My only comment is “Who cares?”.
- The brain requires more than 25% of the oxygen used by the human body. That certainly explains a lot about a few of my friends who I’m sure use a lot less tan 25%.
- On September 13, 1859, California Senator David Broderick established a record that is unlikely to ever be broken or repeated, for that matter. He became the only sitting US senator to be killed in a duel. That’s what I call “term limits.”
- The founder of the Smithsonian Institute, James Smithson, who in 1826 willed $508,318 to the United States to “create an establishment for the increase and diffusion of knowledge’. Strangely enough, he never set foot in the United States. He was apparently smarter than he once looked.
ENJOY YOUR TUESDAY/MONDAY
The limericks for today relate to accidents – more or less fatal. They are basically “G” rated but will certainly help you start your day with a smile. Enjoy . . .
💀💀💀
There was a young fellow named Hall,
Who fell in the spring in the Fall.
T’would have been a sad thing
If he died in the spring,
But he didn’t – he died in the fall.
💀💀💀💀
There was a young man of Herne Bay,
Who was making explosives one day.
But he dropped his cigar
In the gun powder jar.
There was a young man of Herne Bay.
💀💀💀💀
There was a wee girl named Estrella
Who owned an enormous umbrella.
Till one day in a gale
With lightning and hail
The umbrella went up with Estrella
💀💀💀💀
When a jolly young fisher named Fisher
Went fishing for fish in a fissure,
A fish, with a grin,
Pulled the fishermen in.
Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fisher.
💀💀💀💀
IT’S MONDAY, START THE WEEK WITH A LAUGH OR A GIGGLE
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