I rolled out of bed today at about 3:45 AM and the house was dead silent. I poured myself a cup of coffee, crawled back into bed, and watched one of my favorite movies. The movie is “Shooter” and stars Donnie Wahlberg. It’s been one of my favorite movies for quite a long time but today something struck me, and I thought I’d talk about it a bit. In one of the nastier scenes in the movie Wahlberg is trapped on a mountain top and chatting with a corrupt United States Senator. The senator was eloquent in his smartass remarks and stated, “There are no Republicans or Democrats, just the “Have’s” and the “Have Not’s”. And that’s a pretty profound statement, like it or not, and it’s true to a certain point. Certain political entities in this country love nothing better than separating those two groups whenever possible to garner votes.
I’ve been known to take shots at the wealthier class of people in this country only because I felt it was necessary. I recently discovered a book titled The Rich Are Different. I’m a firm believer that statement is true but I’m not sure if it’s a good ‘different’ or a ‘bad different’. Here are a few pearls of wisdom from that book and a few of our richer, upper-class citizens.
When the Duke of Marlborough could no longer afford his valet, who had, among other things, always put the paste on the Duke’s toothbrush, the nobleman’s shock was palpable. “What’s the matter with my tooth brush?” He exclaimed. “The damn thing won’t foam anymore!”
“Until the age of twelve I sincerely believed that everybody had a house on Fifth Avenue, a villa in Newport and a steam driven, oceangoing yacht.” Cornelius Vanderbilt Junior
“I have had no real gratification or enjoyment of any sort more than my neighbor on the next block who is worth only a half million.” William K. Vanderbilt
“Prior to the Reagan era, the newly rich aped the old rich. But that isn’t true any longer. Donald Trump is making no effort to behave like Eleanor Roosevelt as far as I can see.” Fran Leibowitz
“With money in your pocket you are wise, you are handsome, and you sing well, too.” Yiddish Proverb
“No rich man is ugly.” Zsa Zsa Gabor
During the 1887 Saratoga racing season, William Collins Whitney lost $385,000 at the gambling tables while waiting for his wife to finish dressing.
“We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.” Leona Helmsley
“What’s the use of money if you have to earn it?” George Bernard Shaw
HOW COULD ANYONE THINK THE RICH AREN’T JUST LIKE US
I’ve been on a kick of late concerning presidents, being presidential, and making timely and effective decisions. It’s easy for me to sit here in my home and criticize because I’ve never been in a position with that amount of power and the ability to use at will. It doesn’t change the fact that I think Biden is totally useless as a president, and he may even be the nicest guy in the world, but he is not presidential. So rather than criticize Biden and his ilk today I’m going to list a number of statements made by former presidents about the job, the responsibilities, and the difficulties. It certainly cleared my head on some misconceptions after reading them and I hope it will do the same for you.
JOHN QUINCY ADAMS
“I can tell you this: no man who ever held the office of President would congratulate a friend on obtaining it. Make no mistake about it, the four most miserable years of my life where my four years in the Presidency.”
DWIGHT DAVID EISENHOWER
“Oh, That lovely title, ex-President.
ANDREW JACKSON
“I can say with truth mine is a situation of dignified slavery.
LYNDON B. JOHNSON
“The Presidency has made every man who occupied it, no matter how small, bigger than he was; and no matter how big, not big enough for its demands.”
JOHN F. KENNEDY
“A President certainly must have . . . character, judgment, vigor, intellectual curiosity, a sense of history, and a strong sense of the future.”
RICHARD M. NIXON
“When the President does it, that means that it’s not illegal.
FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT
“One thing is sure. We have to do something. We have to do the best we know how at the moment . . . If it doesn’t turn out right, we can modify it as we go along.”
HARRY S. TRUMAN
“Always, if you ever pray, pray for me now. I don’t know if you fellas ever had a load of hay fall on you, but when they told me yesterday what happened, I felt like the moon, the stars and all the planets had fallen on me. I got the most terrible job a man ever had.”
ANYONE OUT THERE CRAZY ENOUGH TO APPLY FOR THAT JOB?
I’ve stated on many occasions that I was done writing about politics and politicians. I’m afraid after watching the Biden administration in recent weeks I can’t remain quiet any longer or I will lose my effing mind.
As we all know the Ides of March can be a dangerous time as can be verified by Julius Caesar. In celebrating that infamous day today, I thought a short discussion on Presidents was in order. With Russia and the Ukraine battling it out and Biden and his socialist vice-president doing absolutely nothing. It made me wonder where Biden will be listed as compared to past presidents. We’ve had some dunces, some fools, and a large number of incompetents. Many American lives have been sacrificed when presidential decisions went sideways. The following information was recently commissioned by C-SPAN to answer that question definitively and the results are fascinating. They ranked each president according to a number of different factors such as public persuasion, crisis leadership, international relations, and vision while in office. Here are their top ten.
Abraham Lincoln
George Washington
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Teddy Roosevelt
Dwight David Eisenhower
Harry S. Truman
Thomas Jefferson
John F. Kennedy
Ronald Reagan
Lyndon B. Johnson
Obviously, I don’t see the name Trump, Obama, Bush, or Carter listed in the top ten. After observing Biden since he took office, I would rank him around #40. He’s had a number of opportunities to make life a bit more difficult for the Russians but hasn’t done it. Either he’s an old fool or his advisors are incompetent. It seems their more concerned with party politics than international affairs. Maybe if gas reaches $6.00 a gallon someone will begin paying attention. This situation is getting out of hand and could turn dangerous at any time. Keep sitting on your hands Joe.
For many years after moving to New England, I spent a great deal of time in dozens of local cemeteries in southern Maine, checking out epithets, and anything else interesting that I could find. There was a time when I would stretch T-shirts over old tombstones and do rubbings of family names and places which I then sold in a local gift shop. Business became so brisk I was able to take requests from certain families to memorialize their long dead relatives. It was a little weird at times but very interesting. I also got to meet a few of the local law enforcement officers who repeatedly stopped to check me out. The epithets were remarkable since most of the early deaths were colonists from England, the home of the limerick. What follows are not the ones I discovered back then but discoveries made by other morbid folks who were also fascinated by them. Here are a few priceless ones I think you might enjoy.
Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness’ sake.
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’,
So, he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.
For those of you limerick lovers, I thought I’d give you a small selection from a category called “Oral Irregularities”. No further explanation is necessary, just enjoy them.
If you’re a regular reader of this blog, then you know I enjoy bawdy limericks as well as really dirty and funny jokes. With the last dregs of winter upon us I thought we could all use a few really good dirty jokes to start our day. As I was surfing the net, I discovered these three quite by accident and I absolutely loved them. I’m sure they will get a chuckle out of just about everyone. Here they are . . .
NUNS
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time that I kinda-sorta touched one with the tip of my pinky finger” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well, there was this one time that I held one for just a moment”. Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you will be admitted” and she does so. Now at this time, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There’s no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
LITTLE BILLY
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in, and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his dad came home Billy said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?” His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.” “Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!” “What do you mean?” said Dad. “Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down, we’d have lost her for sure!”
THE FACELIFT
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the salesclerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,”he replied. “I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald’s for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, “Oh, you look about 29.” “I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop, she asked an old man the same question. He replied, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt, I’ll be able to tell your exact age.” There was no one around, so the woman said, “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, you are 47.” Stunned, the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?” The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
I hope you got a good laugh out of these three jokes. What a better way to start your day with some good filthy humor. More to come in the future.
Normally, I find that posts concerning anything remotely related to sex seem to catch everyone’s eye. I’ve found one other subject that draws as much attention (almost) and that’s death. Here are a few obscure facts on celebrities during their final days and hours. It’s a bit morbid but informative.
Errol Flynn (1909 – 1959) was buried at Forest lawn Memorial Park Cemetery in Glendale, California, with a half-dozen friends, six bottles of whiskey, and farewell gifts from his boozing buddies.
It happened one night, the death of Oscar-winning legend Claudette Colbert (1903 – 1996), after she suffered a series of strokes. But when she was alive, the actor made a promise: “I must never think about death. People who think about death are mentally sick.”
John Belushi (1949 – 1982) His final resting place is at Abel’s Hill Cemetery, Martha’s Vineyard but Belushi ain’t where you think he is. The huge boulder marked BELUSHI is just a deterrent, a place where fans can leave their liquor bottles, cigarette packs and other sundry “souvenirs”. His real grave lies several yards from the boulder, and nobody’s telling exactly where that may be.
Trivia Footnote: The three longest obituaries to run in the New York Times were, Pope John Paul II at 13870 words, Richard Nixon at 13155 words, and Ronald Reagan at 11,411.
Humphrey Bogart (1899 – 1957) His last words were to his wife Lauren Bacall as she left his bedside to run a quick errand, “Hurry back”. He was buried with a small gold whistle that he had given to Bacall before they were married. It referred to their first movie together and was inscribed with “If you want anything, just whistle.”
Joan Crawford (1905 – 1977) She died in her New York apartment from a heart attack and was also suffering from breast and pancreatic cancer. Her last words were directed to her housekeeper that had begun to pray out loud. She emphatically stated “Damn it! Don’t you dare ask God to help me!”
I certainly hope that when my time comes, I’ll have something a little more interesting to say. Maybe I’ll make a crib sheet to keep in my pocket with three or four really interesting comments and just before I go, I’ll choose the one I like the best. I don’t need a cutesy epithet either because hopefully my ashes will be floating somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean.
“The unborn work in the psyche of the artist is a force of nature that achieves its end either with tyrannical might or with the subtle cunning of nature herself, quite regardless of the personal fate of the man who is its vehicle.”
Carl Gustav Jung (26 July 1875 – 6 June 1961) was a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who founded analytical psychology. During that time, he came to the attention of Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis. Jung was also an artist, craftsman, builder and a prolific writer. Many of his works were not published until after his death and some are still awaiting publication.
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