One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike. The cop says to the young girl, “Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?” “Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.
With a smile on his face, the cop says “Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket. Before the cop rides off, she says “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Playing along the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
“Well, next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”
Many people have asked me why I don’t write about religion very often. Whether it’s Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, or any other, I don’t see the need. I don’t need an organization of millions to tell me; good is good, evil is evil, and bad is bad. Don’t do bad, don’t be evil, and do good. Is there any human being out there that doesn’t get that? I don’t think so. Even evil people know they’re doing evil and that they should be doing good, but they just choose not to. I also don’t see the need to be required to turn over a portion of my hard-earned wages so organizations can build gigantic, extravagant cathedrals, mosques, and temples in which to worship. To me it’s a no-brainer. If there is a God (I’m not a believer) and he’s everywhere, I can speak to him or her anytime I want. No church, no congregation, no donations, no preaching, and no stupid rituals . . . just simple communication.
In my humble opinion “simple” is the way to live your life. Believe what you will, keep it a private matter between you and your God (if’s that what you believe), and live your life. I have one philosophy and that is “Always do the right thing no matter the consequences”. None of this “do onto others as they would do unto you” nonsense. I don’t want to do unto anyone and I don’t want anyone doing unto me.
In the mid-60s I spent two wonderful years in the Republic of South Korea thanks to travel plans from Uncle Sam. I became immersed in their culture, their religions, and their people. I learned a lot. One of my habits on my off time was to travel through the countryside and explore. I’d hike between the minefields to reach the mountains and then just walk for miles.
It was on one of these walks that I had my eyes opened somewhat. I was probably four miles from the nearest hut, in the mountains near a place called Blue Lancer Valley. It was bright and sunny, and I hadn’t seen another human being or animal for most of the day. I was taking pictures and enjoying my time not being in the Army for a few hours. I walked around the bend in the trail along this mountainside and discovered a small statue of Buddha that had been carved into a large boulder a very long time ago. Stuck into the crevice in front of that statue was a bouquet of freshly cut flowers. I was always sorry I never got to meet the person who trekked all that way to place those flowers in that spot. That is a person who I would’ve liked to meet because for me that is religion at its best. Simple, private, heartfelt, and meaningful, at least to the person making the journey.
I’m still an unbeliever in all-things mystical but that day gave some hope. It demanded that I at least look into Buddhism as a simple way of learning how to deal with myself. I’m no Buddhist but many of their practices appeal to me, their simple way of living their life.
With Christmas approaching I’ve been reflecting on things a little. I’ve observed over the last few decades that Fear appears to be winning the war against Courtesy. During this pandemic it’s gotten even worse because of the demands of social distancing. We as a people will need to readjust to our normal life at some point when this pandemic is no longer a critical issue. My only question: Can our society as it currently exists make the necessary adjustments to a “new normal” or just fall back into the same old self-destructive pre-pandemic rut?
It’s been a slow process that has us as a people becoming so paranoid of each other that courtesy and helpfulness between individuals can no longer be expected. I know if I saw someone in distress, I would react immediately but in the back of my mind I’d be thinking and worrying, “Is someone going to sue me or falsely accuse me of wrongdoing” just “to be on the safe side”. It’s a sad and dangerous commentary on what our society is becoming. People stand by and watch as others are raped, stabbed, and murdered, without taking any action as simple as a 911 call.
This kind of behavior is destructive to society, but I understand the reasons for it. If the country continues to permit individuals to rationalize any and all bad behavior up to and including murder, the situation will never improve. All of the psychobabble in the world cannot justify or excuse hard-core criminal behavior. Where there is a carrot there must be a stick. Lack of societal deterrents for crimes is to blame. If there is a crime, there must be swift punishment to send the proper message to the masses.
Soon, the pandemic will pass, and everyone will be scrambling to get back to the ‘old normal‘. I hope it doesn’t happen. The pandemic has shown us just how bad things can get under difficult circumstances, and yet we survived. It’s time for the younger generations to start voicing their beliefs and complaints, getting involved in government at every level, to help create a ‘new normal‘.
There once was a woman named Bess For whom holiday cooking meant stress. Five puddings, ten turkeys And a thousand beef jerkeys – Bess did tend to cook to excess!
Today I was sitting quietly at home thinking seriously about our previous night’s dinner. As a last resort, when my better-half and I disagree on our evening meal, we have hamburgers and fries. We’ve become quite creative with that meal whether it’s cooked on the grill, in the air-fryer, pan fried or on the grill on the deck. I’m not a big red meat eater and under normal circumstances (not birthdays or holidays) I prefer chicken and fish. Burgers are my go-to meal or comfort food if you prefer, and yes, there is no ham in hamburgers . . . Ever!
Due to my idle curiosity, I did some searching to be sure I was correct, here’s what I found:
The popular book The Art of Cookery Made Plain and Easy by Hannah Glasse included a recipe in 1758 as “Hamburgh sausage”, which suggested to serve it “roasted with toasted bread under it”. A similar snack was also popular in Hamburg, Germany, by the name “Rundstück warm” (“bread roll warm”) in 1869 or earlier, and supposedly eaten by many emigrants on their way to America.
There always seems to be a rush by dozens of Americans to claim they invented the “burger” and everything else for that matter. Don’t forget the Russians and French who always insist they’ve invented or created just about anything you can think of. Too bad boys, Germany wins this contest.
My own favorite is a one-half pound well-seasoned burger on a whole grain toasted bun. Medium rare, topped with hot pickled jalapenos, mayo, a layer of mushrooms, a layer of sharp cheddar cheese, a slab of red onion, and hold the lettuce. Old school fries on the side, hot and crispy with Heinz 57. I’ll have that just about any time.
We are deep into the Christmas season now and I’m sure that the great majority of people everywhere are spending and spending and spending. The holidays tend to put a strain on everyone’s purse especially those people with children. I thought I’d like to lighten the mood a little bit and tell you a few facts I happened upon in a book I was reading recently. As you also know I love writing about celebrities and alleged celebrities and all of their quirks and odd behaviors and that’s what I’m going to do today.
For those of us on the not-so-famous list, the following items might seem a bit much. Apparently in Hollywood their personal budgets are a touch higher than ours, and their interests are totally different. I insure my 12-year-old car, my house, my smart phone, and a sizable annual cost to protect all of my computers, tablets, and laptops. Let me now give you a list of some of your favorite celebrities, present and past, and the things they insure, it’s mind-boggling. Here we go . . .
American country and western singer and actress, Dolly Parton, insured her legendary boobs for $600,000.
Rolling Stones guitarist, Keith Richards, insured his right index finger for $1.6 million.
Australian cricket hero, Merv Hughes, insured his mustache for $38,000.
In 2006, soccer player, David Beckham, insured his entire body for $190 million.
German supermodel, actress, and singer, Heidi Klum, insured her legs for $2.2 million.
American actress, Jamie Lee Curtis, insured her legs for $1 million.
Lord of the Dance, Michael Flatley, insured his legs for $47.5 million.
American rockstar, Bruce Springsteen, insured his voice for $6 million.
I hope you don’t think this is anything unusual, because it isn’t. The habit of celebrities insuring body parts goes back many years. The numbers were a little smaller “back in the day” but at the time it was still a great deal of money. Here’s some oldies but goodies . . .
American dancer and film star, Fred Astaire, had his legs insured for $75,000 each.
British stripper, Frankie Jakeman, insured his penis for $1.6 million.
20th Century Fox film star, Betty Grable, insured each of her legs for $1 million. Hence the origin of the phrase, “million-dollar legs”.
German cabaret artist, singer, and film star, Marlene Dietrich, insured her voice for $1 million.
American actress, Bette Davis, took out a $28,000 insurance policy against putting on weight.
American singer and actor, Jimmy Durante, insured his nose for $50,000.
Hungarian food critic, Egon Ronay, insured his taste buds for $400,000.
In 1964, the Beatles, were insured for $1 million on their first US tour.
There you have it folks. Be glad you only have to insure your house, car, children, smartphones, computers, and those pesky life insurance policies for you and your spouse. As you can see it could be a lot worse if you’re one of the famous people. I certainly don’t feel sorry for them and I’m pretty sure you don’t either.
One cold winter morning, during the Christmas season, a mailman was doing his route. As he was delivering all the Christmas cards, he came to a house and realized that they had so much mail that it wouldn’t fit in the box, so he decided to knock on the door. As the door was answered, a beautiful blond woman stood staring at him. The mailman said, “I’m sorry for bothering you, but I couldn’t get all your mail into your box, so here it is.”
The woman looked at him and said, “Why don’t you come in and take a break – it’s cold outside!” The mailman agreed and stepped into the house. A few minutes later, the woman says, “since it’s Christmas, I have an idea. Let’s go upstairs and make love!” The woman was quite beautiful, so the mailman followed her.
After a while, the two came back down the stairs. The mailman said, “Wow, that was great, but I must be getting back to my route.” The lady replied, “Oh, don’t go yet, let’s have some breakfast!” She then opened the door to the dining room and the table was covered with food and Christmas goodies. After the meal, the mailman said, “Okay, I’ve really got to go!” The woman replied, “Well, thank you very much.” and handed him a one-dollar bill.
The mailman was really confused. “What’s going on here? You invite me in, make love to me, cook me a great breakfast, then hand me a dollar!” The woman replied, “Well, I asked my husband the other day what he thought we should give the mailman for Christmas. He said, oh, screw him! Give’em a dollar!’ But breakfast was my idea!”
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