Archive for the ‘limerick’ Tag
I guess I’m feeling a slight tingle of Christmas spirit this week. Being filled with the spirit tends to make me feel a little lazy. So, after my third, forth, and fifth rum soaked eggnogs I decided to dive into some of my older archives for a few Christmas inspired limericks. Here goes nothing . . .
🎅
Santa came home with a reindeer
And Mrs. Claus said with a sneer
‘Did you have to bring
That horny old thing?’
Rudolph said, ‘Madam, he lives here.’
🧑🎄🧑🎄
An elf said to Santa: “Oh Dear,
We’ve not enough presents this year”
That made St. Nick think:
Now he’d given up drink
He could give all the children some beer!
🎁🎁🎁
I saw my mom and Santa having a chat
She told him he was much too fat
She then grabbed his behind
With eyes closed kissed him blind
Then they both fell down on the mat.
🤶🤶🤶🤶
Old Santa got drunk on warm ale
“I’m too old for Christmas” his wail
“But what of the toys
For the good girls and boys?”
“I’ll send all their presents by mail!”
🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲
With the holidays on the horizon,
I placed twenty calls to Verizon.
They stuck me on hold
Til my dinner got cold.
And I still absolutely despise them.
❄️❄️❄️
HO! HO! HO! 14 DAYS TO GO
With the holiday season in full swing I thought I should offer up some of my own holiday-spirit poetry original written in the 1920’s and 1930’s. A few off-color rhymes to help celebrate this holiest of seasons (sarcasm off) in my own special way. These should be rated “PG” so keep the kids away if you can.
1927
There was a young lady named Maud
A terrible society fraud.
In company, I’m told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh My God!
1939
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
but he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but the wrong pew.
1938
There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To – I won’t say a bitch –
But a woman of no reputation.
1940
In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.
💥💥💥
And here’s my favorite, a salute from my birth year (1946) to all my Texas readers.
A girl named Alice, in Dallas,
Had never felt of a phallus.
She remained virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
❤️❤️❤️
I made a bulk purchase recently from an on-line book seller and received a random collection that I thought were interesting. In that pile was a book of limericks obviously written by or for children. I’m a big fan of limericks of all types and found these to be just plain fun. These are rated “G” and should make you grin a little.
💥
Fun loving Steve is quite spunky.
He’s out every night getting funky.
Tonight he’s at Anna’s
with a bunch of bananas.
Did I mention that Steve is a monkey?
💥💥
Early one Mother’s Day, Jake
decided that he liked to bake
a pie for his mother,
but soon he’d discover
it surely was no piece of cake.
💥💥💥
Our little Welsh corgi named Bramley
does not like our mailman, Stanley.
He’ll tear cross the floor,
bark and leap at the door,
and then act like he’s just saved our family.
💥💥💥💥
Our neighbor is nice Mrs. Rands.
She forgets names and faces and plans.
She has such amnesia
that each time she sees ya,
she tells you her name and shakes hands.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
SPECIAL THANKS TO BRIAN CLEARY
I decided that we’ve gone far too many days without a Limerick Alert. Today’s selections are approximately 60 years old. I’ll give you a few examples of how back in the day, people wrote limericks about clothing and dress styles. These are all clean and readable for all ages, and I’d rate them PG.
💥
There was a young man of Bengal,
Who went to a fancy dress ball.
He went just for fun,
Dressed up as a bun,
And the dog ate him up in the hall.
💥💥
There was a young woman of Ayr,
Tried to steal out of church during prayer,
But the squeak of her shoes
So enlivened the pews
That she sat down again in despair.
💥💥💥
There was an old person of Fratton
Who would go to church with his hat on.
“If I wake up”, he said,
With my hat on my head,
I shall know that it hasn’t been sat on.”
💥💥💥💥
There was a young lady of Durban
Who insisted on wearing a turban.
When asked why she wore it,
She said, “I adore it
I’m so weary of fashions suburban.”
✍🏻✍🏻✍🏻
NOTHING BETTER THAN CLEAN LIMERICKS
Today I’m going to make this post quick and simple. Here are five moderately bawdy limericks from our recent past. They’re rated PG-13 due to some of the sexual content but I edited some of the harsher foul language so as not to have it too disgusting. Enjoy.
💥
There was a young man from Perdue,
Who was only just learning to screw.
But he hadn’t the knack,
And got too far back-
In the right church, but in the wrong pew!
💥💥
There was an old fellow named Hewing
Whose poor heart stopped while he was screwing.
He gasped: “Really, Miss,
Don’t feel bad about this-
There is nothing I’d rather die doing!”
💥💥💥
There was a young fellow named Menzies
Who’s kissing sent girls into frenzies.
But a virgin, one night,
Crossed her legs in a fright,
And fractured his bifocal lenzies.
💥💥💥💥
A pretty young lady named Flo
Said:” I hate to be had in the snow.
While I’m normally hot,
In this spot I am not-
So, as soon as you come Joe, let’s go!”
💥💥💥💥💥
There was an old fellow named Bill,
Who swallowed an atomic pill.
His naval corroded,
His asshole exploded,
And they found both his nuts in Brazil.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I LOVE THIS POETRY!
I’ve stated many times as to my love for limericks especially those written by Isaac Asimov. Along with Isaac you must give a shout out to John Ciardi as well. He and Asimov had great fun trying to outdo each other with their written limericks. They even jointly published a book about their limerick feud which is a classic. These four limericks were written by John Ciardi for that book in response to a few that Asimov had written. I’ve read their book many times and still enjoy their bawdy humor. I hope you will enjoy it as well.
💥
The Times tells the world what is doing;
Who’s winning, who’s losing, who’s suing,
Whose striking, who’s stealing,
Who’s dying, whose healing,
But won’t say a word on who’s screwing.
💥💥
The girl who is really unbeatable
Is the one with whom sex is repeatable.
Who’s eternally screwable
And always renewable,
And who, most of all, is found eatable.
💥💥💥
There was a young woman named Cora Lee
Who said, “I will do it immorally
On top and bottom,
Any way that I’ve got them,
Vaginally, anally, and orally”.
💥💥💥💥
There once was a wicked old squire
Who burned with libidinous desire.
After screwing a nun
And the minister son,
He took all the girls in the choir.
📕📕📕
THE BOOK IS TITLED – ISAAC ASIMOV & JOHN CIARDI – A WAR OF WORDS
As most of you are well aware, I love limericks. And I don’t discriminate, I like them dirty, sexy, sassy, and any other way you can think of. With that in mind I recently discovered a book, a very small little book of limericks that were written more than 25 years ago. They’re not dirty, sexy, or sassy, but they are cute. These are silly limericks that will make you grin just a little and were almost certainly written for children. So if your let loose your inner child for just a bit you should enjoy these immensely.
💥
A ghost in the town of Khartoum
Asked a skeleton up to his room.
They spent the whole night
In the eeriest fight
As to who should be frightened of whom.
💥💥
A glutton who lived on the Rhine
When asked what time he would dine,
Replied, “At eleven,
Four, six, three and seven,
And eight and a quarter to nine.”
💥💥💥
A cheerful old bear at the zoo
Could always find something to do.
When it bored him to go
On a walk to and fro,
He reversed it, and walks fro and to.
💥💥💥💥
There was an old fellow named Green
Who grew so abnormally lean,
And flat, and compressed,
His back touched his chest,
And sideways he couldn’t be seen.
💥💥💥💥💥
There was the man from the city
Who met what he thought was a kitty.
He gave it a pat
And said, “Nice little cat.”
Just look at him now – what a pity!
****
ONE OF MY FAVORITE SILLY LIMERICKS
There once was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket!
😍😍😍
I want introduce you today to a few limericks which have been laundered. I guess laundered means a lot of the truly vulgar language has been cleaned out and made more readable to entertain a larger group of people. I discovered these limericks in a very small little book published in 1960. They were newly written at the time but they’re still just as enjoyable as they were then.
💥
A herder who hailed from Terre Haute
Fell in love with a young nanny goat.
The daughter he sired
Was greatly admired
For her beautiful angora coat.
💥💥
There was the young laundress named Singer
Whose bust was a round pink humdinger.
But flat, black and blue
It emerged into view
The day it got caught in the wringer.
💥💥💥
A merchant addressing a debtor
Remarked in the course of his letter.
That he chose to suppose
A man knows what he owes
And the sooner he pays it the better.
💥💥💥💥
The bashful young bachelor Cleary
Of girls was exceedingly leery.
Then a lady named Lou
Showed him how and with who
He could render his evenings more cheery.
😍😍😍😍😍
And here’s a tongue twister for you.
Drew drew Lulu in a tutu,
Lulu in a tutu Drew drew,
Lulu drew Drew, too,
Drew drew a few anew,
Till who knew who in the hell drew who.
😍😍😍😍😍
LIMERICKS RULE
It’s another gray and rainy day here in Maine which always gives me a terrible case of the blahs. So, this is the perfect day for me to return to my easel and complete some art projects that I’ve had going on for some weeks now. I can just relax and get into “the zone” while working on these projects which helps me forget what a really crappy day it is. With that thought in mind, I dug into my archives of old limericks for a selection dated in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s. Maybe one or more of them will make you smile a bit, who knows? For the most part they are rated PG.
💥
A virgin emerged from her bath
In a state of righteous wrath,
For she had been deflowered
When she bent as she showered,
And the handle was right in the path.
💥💥
A born again Christian named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with prayer.”
💥💥💥
A penny-less colleague named Cy,
Remark to a lass passing by,
“I’ve never adjusted
To being flat busted.”
Said she, with a sigh, “Nor have I.”
💥💥💥💥
There was a young fellow named Dice
Who remarked, ‘They say bigamy’s nice.
Even two is a bore
I prefer three or four,
For the plural of spouse, it is spice.”
One of my Fav’s.
An organic chemist soon found,
While pushing aminos around,
He’d no sense of smell,
And couldn’t quite tell
His acids from holes in the ground.
🤪🤪🤪
Todays post contains a modest collection of ethnic Irish humor. The jokes are quite lame and unfortunately the limericks are quite tame. Since I have a few Irish ancestors hiding in my family tree, I feel obligated to share some of their humor with you. And not to ignore the obvious Irish traits and traditions, I’ll be drinking a glass of excellent Irish whiskey as I type this post. And before anyone asks . . . no, I don’t have red hair.
Lets start with a few one liners.
🍀
- He was a terrible wreck and his trembling hands told the whole story. “Tell me,” asked his doctor, “do you drink much?” “Deed I don’t. Sure I spill most of it.”
- “That will be five pounds or a month in jail,” the judge said sharply. “Very well, sir,” said Flaherty, “I’ll take the five pounds.”
- Then there was the Irish shopkeeper who said his eggs were so fresh the hens hadn’t missed them.
Here a a couple of true Irish limericks.
🍀
A lovely young maiden of Kilglass,
Who wore intimate garments of brass.
Pat, one night on the porch,
With an acetylene torch,
Just melted her resistance, at last!
🍀
A western young lady named Flynn,
Would tell of her plans with a grin,
“I intend to be bold,
In manner untold,
For there’s need of original sin.”
And last but not least, some pithy Irish sayings for your pleasure.
☘️
Then there was the Irishman who was asked the difference between an explosion and a collision. “In a collision,” he replied, “there you are but in an explosion where are you?“
☘️
She was only a whiskey maker’s daughter but he loved her still.
☘️
A notice in a Galway newspaper some years ago is worthy of preservation: “Because of a lack of space a number of births have been held over until next week.”
☘️
The police department magazine in Dayton, Ohio, once carried the following ad: For sale, second-hand tombstone, excellent buy for someone name Murphy.
🍺🍺🍺
SLEEP IS THE FIRST SIGN OF RECOVERY
everyuselessthing.com 