Archive for the ‘limerick’ Tag
We’re three days into the new year which naturally demands a fresh batch of cute and bawdy limericks. These might be considered unacceptable for the younger children so DON’T LET THEM READ THEM. I’d rate them as “PG”, so consider yourself warned. Here we go . . .
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There was a young sailor named Bates
Who did the fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
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I lost my arm in the army,
I lost my leg in the navy,
I lost my balls
Over Niagra Falls,
And I lost my cock in a lady.
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A lady both athletic and handsome
Got wedged in her bedrooms transom.
When she offered much gold
For release, she was told
That the view was worth more than the ransom.
💥💥💥💥
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you’d probably think –
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.
💥💥✝️💥💥
And here’s a fav from a long-term recovering Catholic.
❤️❤️❤️
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls – and he had’em.
❤️❤️❤️
HAPPY NEW YEAR
I realize that it may be a little too early to be posting on this subject but what the hell. Every year I tease myself by listing a number of resolutions for the new year. My success rate leaves much to be desired but occasionally I actually DO complete a few. I’m posting early because my rate of success this year has been dismal. I’d blame some of it on my better-half who just completed her first year of retirement. To say she’s been a huge distraction is an understatement – goodbye to my wonderful days of PEACE & QUIET. Here’s my list for 2025 and all my lame excuses.
Read at least 100 books by years end (more if possible). If I finish reading my current book by years-end I will have read only 88 books. FAILED
Complete at least four illustrations for use as gifts for next Christmas. COMPLETED
Complete one sculpture using a technique I haven’t used before. FAILED – Due to my total lack of interest and laziness. Maybe this coming year I can get it done.
Show more patience to my better-half’s retirement adjustments. COMPLETED – I’ve shown more patience than ever before but I have a long way to go to satisfy her.
Attempt to write some serious poetry that’s worth reading. FAILED – Completed a few poems and a couple of limericks but I wasn’t happy with the less than adequate results.
Continued monitoring of the grandsons for new and exciting cuss words. COMPLETED – This may have been the easiest one to complete. It’s official, and thanks to day care, school, and some family adults the “F-Bomb” has been released. I’m so proud!!
Continue to ignore all of the weird and bizarre health tips from the Internet. COMPLETED – Thanks to all you internet experts and your misguided and incorrect medical BS.
My final tally was disappointing – 4 of 7 completed. I still have a few weeks to give a great deal of thought for my resolutions for 2026. It’s good to set goals even if you’re reasonably certain they won’t all be met.
🎊🎊🎊
BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR
I’ve always been a huge fan of westerns especially those starring John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. The western genre has also been exported to the entire planet making it possible to see many fans wearing boots and cowboy hats even in Japan. We’re in the final days leading up to the holiday and what better way to relax from all of the Christmas insanity, than to take a short mental trip to the Old West by way of limericks. These should be considered “PG”. Enjoy . . . Partner!
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While awaiting the Sioux to disband,
Colonel Custer took matters in hand.
Despite his dejection
He achieved an erection.
That was almost Custer’s Last Stand.
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A virgin who came from Durango
Always diddled herself with a mango.
“It’s delightful,” she said,
“To lie on the bed,
And put it where I won’t let a man go.”
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The explorers Lewis and Clark
Found their expedition something of a lark,
For Sacagawea,
Let both of them lay’er
That discovery they kept in the dark.
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The caldrons of Yellowstone Park
Are no place to have sex in the dark.
A young ranger tried –
Now his balls look deep-fried
And his prick like a stick sans its bark.
❤️❤️❤️
ONLY TWO SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I guess I’m feeling a slight tingle of Christmas spirit this week. Being filled with the spirit tends to make me feel a little lazy. So, after my third, forth, and fifth rum soaked eggnogs I decided to dive into some of my older archives for a few Christmas inspired limericks. Here goes nothing . . .
🎅
Santa came home with a reindeer
And Mrs. Claus said with a sneer
‘Did you have to bring
That horny old thing?’
Rudolph said, ‘Madam, he lives here.’
🧑🎄🧑🎄
An elf said to Santa: “Oh Dear,
We’ve not enough presents this year”
That made St. Nick think:
Now he’d given up drink
He could give all the children some beer!
🎁🎁🎁
I saw my mom and Santa having a chat
She told him he was much too fat
She then grabbed his behind
With eyes closed kissed him blind
Then they both fell down on the mat.
🤶🤶🤶🤶
Old Santa got drunk on warm ale
“I’m too old for Christmas” his wail
“But what of the toys
For the good girls and boys?”
“I’ll send all their presents by mail!”
🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲
With the holidays on the horizon,
I placed twenty calls to Verizon.
They stuck me on hold
Til my dinner got cold.
And I still absolutely despise them.
❄️❄️❄️
HO! HO! HO! 14 DAYS TO GO
With the holiday season in full swing I thought I should offer up some of my own holiday-spirit poetry original written in the 1920’s and 1930’s. A few off-color rhymes to help celebrate this holiest of seasons (sarcasm off) in my own special way. These should be rated “PG” so keep the kids away if you can.
1927
There was a young lady named Maud
A terrible society fraud.
In company, I’m told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh My God!
1939
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
but he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but the wrong pew.
1938
There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To – I won’t say a bitch –
But a woman of no reputation.
1940
In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.
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And here’s my favorite, a salute from my birth year (1946) to all my Texas readers.
A girl named Alice, in Dallas,
Had never felt of a phallus.
She remained virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
❤️❤️❤️
I made a bulk purchase recently from an on-line book seller and received a random collection that I thought were interesting. In that pile was a book of limericks obviously written by or for children. I’m a big fan of limericks of all types and found these to be just plain fun. These are rated “G” and should make you grin a little.
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Fun loving Steve is quite spunky.
He’s out every night getting funky.
Tonight he’s at Anna’s
with a bunch of bananas.
Did I mention that Steve is a monkey?
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Early one Mother’s Day, Jake
decided that he liked to bake
a pie for his mother,
but soon he’d discover
it surely was no piece of cake.
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Our little Welsh corgi named Bramley
does not like our mailman, Stanley.
He’ll tear cross the floor,
bark and leap at the door,
and then act like he’s just saved our family.
💥💥💥💥
Our neighbor is nice Mrs. Rands.
She forgets names and faces and plans.
She has such amnesia
that each time she sees ya,
she tells you her name and shakes hands.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
SPECIAL THANKS TO BRIAN CLEARY
I decided that we’ve gone far too many days without a Limerick Alert. Today’s selections are approximately 60 years old. I’ll give you a few examples of how back in the day, people wrote limericks about clothing and dress styles. These are all clean and readable for all ages, and I’d rate them PG.
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There was a young man of Bengal,
Who went to a fancy dress ball.
He went just for fun,
Dressed up as a bun,
And the dog ate him up in the hall.
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There was a young woman of Ayr,
Tried to steal out of church during prayer,
But the squeak of her shoes
So enlivened the pews
That she sat down again in despair.
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There was an old person of Fratton
Who would go to church with his hat on.
“If I wake up”, he said,
With my hat on my head,
I shall know that it hasn’t been sat on.”
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There was a young lady of Durban
Who insisted on wearing a turban.
When asked why she wore it,
She said, “I adore it
I’m so weary of fashions suburban.”
✍🏻✍🏻✍🏻
NOTHING BETTER THAN CLEAN LIMERICKS
Today I’m going to make this post quick and simple. Here are five moderately bawdy limericks from our recent past. They’re rated PG-13 due to some of the sexual content but I edited some of the harsher foul language so as not to have it too disgusting. Enjoy.
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There was a young man from Perdue,
Who was only just learning to screw.
But he hadn’t the knack,
And got too far back-
In the right church, but in the wrong pew!
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There was an old fellow named Hewing
Whose poor heart stopped while he was screwing.
He gasped: “Really, Miss,
Don’t feel bad about this-
There is nothing I’d rather die doing!”
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There was a young fellow named Menzies
Who’s kissing sent girls into frenzies.
But a virgin, one night,
Crossed her legs in a fright,
And fractured his bifocal lenzies.
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A pretty young lady named Flo
Said:” I hate to be had in the snow.
While I’m normally hot,
In this spot I am not-
So, as soon as you come Joe, let’s go!”
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There was an old fellow named Bill,
Who swallowed an atomic pill.
His naval corroded,
His asshole exploded,
And they found both his nuts in Brazil.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I LOVE THIS POETRY!
I’ve stated many times as to my love for limericks especially those written by Isaac Asimov. Along with Isaac you must give a shout out to John Ciardi as well. He and Asimov had great fun trying to outdo each other with their written limericks. They even jointly published a book about their limerick feud which is a classic. These four limericks were written by John Ciardi for that book in response to a few that Asimov had written. I’ve read their book many times and still enjoy their bawdy humor. I hope you will enjoy it as well.
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The Times tells the world what is doing;
Who’s winning, who’s losing, who’s suing,
Whose striking, who’s stealing,
Who’s dying, whose healing,
But won’t say a word on who’s screwing.
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The girl who is really unbeatable
Is the one with whom sex is repeatable.
Who’s eternally screwable
And always renewable,
And who, most of all, is found eatable.
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There was a young woman named Cora Lee
Who said, “I will do it immorally
On top and bottom,
Any way that I’ve got them,
Vaginally, anally, and orally”.
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There once was a wicked old squire
Who burned with libidinous desire.
After screwing a nun
And the minister son,
He took all the girls in the choir.
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THE BOOK IS TITLED – ISAAC ASIMOV & JOHN CIARDI – A WAR OF WORDS
As most of you are well aware, I love limericks. And I don’t discriminate, I like them dirty, sexy, sassy, and any other way you can think of. With that in mind I recently discovered a book, a very small little book of limericks that were written more than 25 years ago. They’re not dirty, sexy, or sassy, but they are cute. These are silly limericks that will make you grin just a little and were almost certainly written for children. So if your let loose your inner child for just a bit you should enjoy these immensely.
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A ghost in the town of Khartoum
Asked a skeleton up to his room.
They spent the whole night
In the eeriest fight
As to who should be frightened of whom.
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A glutton who lived on the Rhine
When asked what time he would dine,
Replied, “At eleven,
Four, six, three and seven,
And eight and a quarter to nine.”
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A cheerful old bear at the zoo
Could always find something to do.
When it bored him to go
On a walk to and fro,
He reversed it, and walks fro and to.
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There was an old fellow named Green
Who grew so abnormally lean,
And flat, and compressed,
His back touched his chest,
And sideways he couldn’t be seen.
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There was the man from the city
Who met what he thought was a kitty.
He gave it a pat
And said, “Nice little cat.”
Just look at him now – what a pity!
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ONE OF MY FAVORITE SILLY LIMERICKS
There once was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket!
😍😍😍
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