Archive for the ‘maine’ Tag
I’d like to lighten things up a bit as we continue to enjoy the January doldrums here in Maine. I don’t know about you but I’ve been a big fan of Jeff Foxworthy for many years. He has a tremendous sense of humor which is wrapped up in all that redneck nonsense but he still makes me laugh out loud on occasion. I came upon this routine of his that I’m sure has been around for a while but it’s worth sharing with all of you. It’ll give you a true picture of what living in Maine is really all about. Here we go.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Maine.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you might live in Maine.
If you had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Maine.
If you measure distance in hours instead of miles, you might live in Maine.
If you know several people who’ve hit a deer more than once, you might live in Maine.
If you’ve switched from heat and AC in the same day and then back again, you might live in Maine.
If you can drive 75 miles through 2 feet of snow during a blizzard without flinching, you might live in Maine.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you might live in Maine.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you might live in Maine.
If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Maine.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Maine.
If you know all four seasons: almost Winter, Winter, still Winter, and road construction, you might live in Maine.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than on your car, you might live in Maine.
If you find 10° a little chilly, you might live in Maine.
I couldn’t explain Maine any better than that if I tried.
Well, my day in the kitchen is over and I’m sitting here labeling approximately 12 quarts of my new salsa recipe. After all of the adjustments were made to the recipe it turned out much better than I anticipated. After it cooled I was able to sample it with some nice and crispy yellow corn chips. I have a grading scale I use when making salsa and I rated this one a 4. That’s means after eating four teaspoons of the salsa the back of my head begins to sweat. This stuff is smoking hot and at the same time filled with great flavor.
I’m sending a pint of the finished product to work with my better-half tomorrow. I often use her fellow employees to test and taste my cooking efforts and their feedback is usually pretty accurate. It really helps me in refining my recipes. This batch is officially called Roasted Corn w/Black Bean & Currants. In another few months the flavor and heat should improve dramatically after sitting in the jar and make for a really great addition to any of my better-half’s Mexican food meals. Mission accomplished.
Now that my cooking job is over I can return to my Harry Potter reading assignment. I finished book #6 late last night and it was the absolute best one so far. I’m already one chapter into #7 and it looks like it will be even better than the last. What a pleasant surprise. I’m going to be very sad to see this story end because after seven books the characters are becoming like old friends. Another series for my eclectic book collection. I suppose I’ll be up late reading again tonight and hopefully get a decent nights sleep after that.
The weather here in Maine is very cold with approximately one and a half feet of snow still on the ground. I’d love to get into the woods but I’m waiting for a warmer day (around 30 degrees) before venturing out. I’m a fanatic about getting great Winter pictures but I’m not crazy. Patience is supposed to be a virtue so I’ll remain virtuous for a few more days.
It’s New Years Eve-Eve. My sneaky scheme to convince my better-half to have a small party for New Years seems to have gone the same route as many of my other sneaky schemes, no where. There was some discussion of our visiting friends for a few hours prior to midnight but I honesty don’t think that’s going to happen. The last word I received yesterday was that we’re going to have a quiet night, just the two of us, for movies, Chinese food, and a marathon Scrabble game. I know, I know, it’s sounds really exciting so just calm down before you have a heart attack.
Most people don’t realize how exciting it is to spend time with us. You think that big party in Times Square and the dropping of the Big Ball is something, your wrong. Justin Bieber, Ryan Seacrest, and all of those other would be celebrities would kill to be sitting here again on our coach watching movies with us. You could cut the excitement with a knife, a really big and sharp knife.
Last year we threw a, New Years Day + 1, party so all of our celebrity friends from the so-so celebration in New Yorks Time Square could come to Maine the day after. We’re known far and wide for our fabulous gift bags that draw in the glitterati from all over the country and bring them up north to Maine. Beautiful imitation diamond earrings in the shape of lobsters for the women and a cool faux diamond incrusted diver’s watch favored by many of our local lobsterman. A magical Maine skin lotion, made from bear fat and moose extract is added to the bag and will keep their skin highly moisturized and baby soft. It’s also good for protection from the cold down to ten below zero. A good Chanel perfume will easily mask the odor of the bear fat.
As a special gift, we woke everyone up the morning after, collected all of their sleeping bags, and made them a hearty Maine breakfast of Moose and scrambled eggs. I can still remember Lady Ga Ga rolling out of one of the sleeping bags after a snuggly night with Justin Bieber. I’m not sure who I felt sorrier for in that circumstance but I think it was Justin. Next we passed out snowshoes for everyone and took a long, brisk walk through the snow covered Maine woods. Everyone immediately became a little sweaty and smelly so we took a quick dip in our local creek, after cutting a hole in the ice, to get their juices flowing again. Later after a few unrehearsed tunes from our guests back at the house, we said our final goodbye to end the celebration.
Who wouldn’t want to attend another party like that? I shouldn’t tell you this because it’s a huge secret and I wouldn’t want to alert the paparazzi but the 4:00am game of naked charades last year was incredible. Seacrest’s better-half, Julianne Hough, stopped the show when she was attempting the phrase, “your ass is mine”. I wasn’t quite right for a few hours after that. She eventually lost the game but everyone else was a definite winner. Although we did have a tough time keeping Jessica Simpson under control. Her cravings got out of hand when she viciously attacked a table full of the candied oyster appetizers. Not only can that girl sing, she can really eat too. It took four of us to get her off that table.
Now you know what you’ve been missing. Even Puerto Rico comes in a close second to these fun get-togethers, right Lily! I’ll be forced to blame my better-half for ruining another of our posh celebrity, New Years + 1 Day, parties. I must love her a lot because screwing me out of another exciting game of naked charades is not nice. I ask for so little . . .
Three more shopping days till Christmas. With that in mind I’d like to explain a few unforeseen consequences of living in Maine at this time of the year. This state teems with thousands of great white hunters who like nothing better than combing the woods in an attempt to kill something and eat it. As you can tell, I’m no hunter. I was born and raised in an area much like Maine, western Pennsylvania, where hunting is considered something of a religious experience. Most of my family were hunters and the king of all hunting was my father. Thank God for my nephew who took my place at an early age to accompany my dad on his hunting forays. I could never see the point since the taste of wild game just didn’t appeal to me.
At this time of the year the exchange of gifts is a tradition but in Maine it takes an unusual turn. Some of our more common Christmas gifts are cheese logs, meat logs, and moose logs. Nothing says Christmas like a twenty pound package of moose meat or squirrel filets but it still creeps me out just talking about them. A few weeks ago in an attempt to find other unique and delicious Maine specialties, I instead found these.
Beaver Butt Pie
All that you’ll need to get started with this nutritious and holiday related meal is a big fat beaver willing to give up his paddle and his innards. Simply lay the beaver paddle on the bottom of a pie shell, cover it with the preheated and stinky innards, sprinkle some brown sugar on top, and bake in an preheated oven at 350-degrees for 45 minutes. Add some fragrant pine fronds and a nice red Christmas ribbon and there you go. Ready for the family table.
Teriyaki Marinated Moose Lips
What could be more festive than cooking a bag of moose lips on the grill with a light snow falling in the moonlight. All you need to prepare moose lips are a dozen pair of lips, ordered from Amazon, two quarts of teriyaki sauce, and a hot and ready grill. Roast and season to taste. It’s a Christmassy lip-smacking snack to munch on as you watch the annual showing of “A Christmas Story”.
Coyote Sauce
Imported Maine coyote is a local delicacy but available now through internet sites for a pittance. If your outdoorsy all you need is a .22 rifle, a little patience, and BANG. Add a little gelatin to the broth that you cooked the coyote in and Well-La, the perfect addition to a Christmas turkey dinner as a side dish to replace cranberry sauce.
I know your mouths must be watering after reading and picturing these Maine delicacies but never fear, maybe next year some of our northernmost citizens will make all of these meals available through mail order for you to enjoy with your loved ones. You may not be able to visit Maine but we can bring the true Maine holiday spirit right to your door for a modest price. It’s only right that we share our overabundance of critters with as many people as possible. Also, we can use the money.
Bon Appetite and Merry Christmas
(Sarcasm Off)
Today has been the most excited I’ve been in weeks. All of our Christmas preparations are finally completed. Everything is purchased, wrapped, baked, decorated, and it only took two months. All that work, effort, and thought invested into one 24 hour period after which we get to pack it all up for another year. Are we all that nuts? Don’t answer that, it was rhetorical.
You would think a huge sigh of relief would be in order but Nooooooooooooo! My better-half is what you might call an obsessive planner and her whole life revolves around tasks and their completion. She has a driving need to be working around the clock to feel any sense of accomplishment. Unfortunately some of that craziness often spills over onto me. I’m just the opposite. In my world if my tasks are complete, it’s time for a comfortable chair, a hot toddy, and a few hours of relaxation.
I was advised last evening as we were baby-sitting the new grandson who seemed to be enjoying himself a great deal by crapping his pants, throwing up on my better-half, and screaming at the top of his lungs, that on Saturday night we would be taking a Christmas pilgrimage to Portland, Maine. We could walk along Commercial Street, romantically hand-in-hand, to window shop, people watch, and quite likely stop at Three Dollar Dewey’s for a beer or two. I think she’s trying to establish some new Christmas traditions for just the two of us.
It’s important for her for some reason that we make a mandatory stop at Mexicali Blues (again with her Mexican fixation), a shop full of incense, do-dads, and New Age thing-a-ma-bobs. I normally prefer walking along Commercial street when the weather’s warm and I’m wearing a T-shirt and shorts. Not so much in winter clothing with piles of snow and slush everywhere. You should also be aware that since Commercial street is located along the water adjacent to Portland harbor that nothing says Christmas like the harbor smell during low tide.
After an hour or two of hoofing it up and down the street, we’ll be in and out of stores that I would never visit on my own. When we’re finished with the grand tour we can return to our car and hopefully not find a gift from the Portland PD meter maids, a $25.00 dollar parking ticket.
Next we’re scheduled to take a short ten minute ride to her favorite place in Maine and the world. The Great Lost Bear, a tavern and restaurant, located on Congress street in Portland. She requires quarterly pilgrimages to this bar because of their massive collection of beers from all over the world. They’ll stuff us with some of the hottest chicken wings you could ever possibly eat, a few needed drinks, and then send us on our way. Hopefully we make it home without hitting any sobriety checkpoints, being arrested for a DUI, or having our car towed.
If we complete all of that without incident we’ll have had a wonderful time and finally be able to settle in and wait for Christmas Day to arrive. I’ll then be patiently waiting for the next twelve months so we can do it all over again now that it’s an official family tradition. After all it’s freaking Christmas.
Today has been a relaxing and nice day. I accomplished more than I was anticipating which is always a pleasant surprise. I attempted to take a short walk earlier but good sense prevailed. I’ve never seen so many hunters in our area before. Cars are parked along the roads and the poor hunters must be having a terrible time of it. I haven’t heard a single gun shot all day which isn’t a good sign for them.
I’ve never been much of a hunter but I come from a family who celebrated deer hunting season like it was a religious holiday. In western Pennsylvania the schools are virtually empty on the first day of deer season and students aren’t even penalized for missing classes.
My father made his pilgrimage to the wilds of northern PA every year for a week of male bonding with his buddies, some good camp chili, a keg of beer, and if they were lucky a couple of deer corpses. I was invited once when I was a teenager but declined for ever after. I just never saw the point. From that day forward I was officially an outcast from all hunting discussions and related war stories at our family gatherings. Thank God my nephew Mike loved hunting and was able to join my father and the boys on their annual safari and I was forever off the hook.
I was reintroduced to the lifestyle of the hunter about five minutes after I arrived in Maine with my moving van. I stopped to gas up the U-Haul and when I walked into the gas station the first thing I saw were hundreds of photo’s tacked to the walls of customers with their deer kill. The owner saw me looking and I had to smile nicely and listen to his favorite deer killing saga with him directing me to the appropriate photo of him in his camo outfit.
This indoctrination continued nonstop for quite a few years until I finally gave up the fight. I still refuse to hunt but I can now talk about it up with best of them. My dad would have been so proud.
It’s about 10:30 am and I’m still on my third cup of coffee. I just sent my better-half on her way for a day of shopping with her daughter and new grandson. I don’t have to tell you how important “alone time” can be for a person’s overall mental health and I cherish every minute of mine. It’s just me and my shadow, my cat Stormy, sitting in my man-cave and trying to decide what we’ll be doing today.
It’s another dreary day but fortunately all of my outside work is almost completed and I’m ready to settle in for the winter. I think I’m in a minority but I’m hoping for lots of snow this year. Last year was a mild winter here in Maine and I missed not having that beautiful white snow-cover for the entire winter. On top of it all without proper snow-cover many of the plants in my herb garden won’t survive. Anyone who knows anything about herbs knows that many are almost impossible to kill and they’ll run rampant through your garden. But with a mild winter and not much snow-cover they won’t likely survive the winter here in Maine. Last Spring I was forced to replace many herbs transplanted from my late mother’s herb garden which had a great deal of sentimental value to me. Such is life, replant and move on.
Today I’ll be be returning to work on a small sculpture that I’ve been working on for almost a year. I seem to do a few things on it then stare at it for about a month and then do a few more things. I’m trying to picture in my mind the finished piece and where I want the project to go. It’s finally coming together for me as I hoped it would and as it usually does.
Not to give too much away but it’s a somewhat bizarre and outrageous sculpture of my better half’s bust. That’s a “head and shoulders” bust not a “boobs” bust. The hair will consist of twelve tubes of white caulking compound applied in a manner I’ve never tried before. Today I’ll have a few hours where I can properly focus on my project and maybe make a little headway. I really wanted to have it completed by Christmas but I just can’t rush it. It moves at it’s own speed and when it’s done, I’ll know.
More coffee to get started and if I’m a good boy, a brandy later in the day. Hoorah!
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