Archive for the ‘masks’ Tag

10/01/2021 Karma Can Be Brutal!   Leave a comment

It seems that everyone finds a great deal of humor in the smells and sounds of human bodily functions. I’m not exactly sure why it’s so damn funny but it really is. Anyone who tells me that they don’t see the humor in it is either lying or absolutely clueless.

It all started for me as a small child. Early on my father taught me the real meaning of the term “smell my finger” and believe me it’s a lesson not soon forgotten. Another of his favorites was “pull my finger” which normally resulted in a loud, disgusting, and eye watering fart. My dad wasn’t the least bit shy and would even pull stunts on my friends who were visiting. At first it was embarrassing but I soon learned to appreciate the humor as long as he was doing his thing to someone else.

Every young boy I knew took pleasure in grossing out their friends at every opportunity. School bus farting contests were our favorite because it involved grossing out the girls as well as the bus driver. We couldn’t pass that up.

Another practice was to burp as loudly as you could during a quiet study hall and then place the blame on someone else. My friend Dick had an almost supernatural ability to burp and throw his voice like a ventriloquist. He’d make a cute girl nearby turn cherry red when everyone thought she was the culprit. I hate to admit it but it was an uncanny talent that he used often and well into adulthood.

Church was the best place to maximize our unusual talents. All those prim and proper parents with their well behaved children being oh so pious. Nothing would crack us up like two rows of God-fearing Catholics smelling an SBD (Silent But Deadly) that was so bad it would curl their nose hairs. You have to realize how much acting talent and restraint it takes to appear shocked and disgusted and still be laughing like crazy on the inside. It actually made church bearable for those of us who were only there for the fun.

The other church related scene was in the confessional during confession. It did my heart good to confess my sins, say an Act of Contrition, and then leave a nasty smelling fart for the next sinner and secondarily grossing out the priest as well. Aren’t old memories the best?

I suppose you’re wondering what prompted this entire conversation. Well I was in Walgreens recently, masked as usual and minding my own business while shopping. As I walked into the rear of the store in a back corner I passed two young ladies who couldn’t have been more than 13 years old. They were laughing and giggling as most young kids do and were just as cute as a button. It was only a few seconds later I discovered why they were laughing so hard. I walked into a cloud of the worst smelling methane in history. I normally have a strong stomach but this was almost more than I can handle. I stood there trying to catch my breath while they stood nearby laughing hysterically. They ran off giggling all the way while I took a moment or two to regain my composure. Karmic paybacks really are a bitch. That damn mask might stop Covid-19 but not farts like these.

KARMA WILL GET YOU IF YOU DON’T WATCH OUT

09/19/2021 Sunday Musings   Leave a comment

Well here we are, another slow, lazy, uninteresting Sunday in Maine. I was hijacked once again to join another shopping safari with my better-half and so I came properly prepared. I have my Kindle, my tablet, and an armload of reference books. She has that evil-eye look that I hate to see when she’s shopping. That means more stores to visit, more parking lots to sit in, and a serious lack of available Wi-Fi.

This appears to be a normal run-of-the-mill pandemic shopping day. The percentage of people wearing masks appears to be increasing every day it seems. I think the state mandate and the recent surge of new cases is starting to have a positive impact on mask compliance. It’s still weirds me out a little bit to see young toddlers wearing masks and being carried around by their mothers who aren’t. As Ron White so often says “You just can’t fix stupid”.

I’m not certain if I mentioned it before but three weeks ago I received my third Pfizer Covid shot. I’m considered an extremely high risk person and Covid-19 would likely end me if I catch it. That leads me right into my next talking point, Millennials.

I’ve been somewhat critical towards Millennial’s in recent months because their attitude toward vaccinations and masks is as stupid as their feelings about senior citizens. They’re concerned only with themselves it seems by shrugging their shoulders on the masking and vaccination requirements. I would  hope they’d realize by now that by complying they would go a long way in helping to protect others who may be at risk. I’ve heard many off-the-cuff derogatory remarks made in recent months concerning the “old folks” and “they just want to live forever”. I’m sure that many of the dead victims of the virus wouldn’t have been reassured by attitudes like that prior to their deaths. Millennials give new meaning to the term the “Me Generation”. That goes to all of you Anti-Vaxers as well.

YOU CANT FIX STUPID OR SELFISHNESS

08/02/2021 August Already !   Leave a comment

This has been a rather hectic month for me and mine which hasn’t really happened too often since the Pandemic reared its ugly head so many months ago. With the Delta Variant coming into it’s own it appears that masks will be coming back as a fashion statement once again. It just seems that this virus and it’s many faces refuses to fade away. I guess it’ll be here to stay for much longer than we all anticipated. Fortunately for me there isn’t anything I did before that I can’t do now with a mask on.

This will have to do!

Being a senior citizen makes looking back at my life a little nostalgic at times. I wonder what my sex life might have been all those years ago if I’d been forced to comply with the restrictions that the pandemic requires. I feel really bad for the young and sexually active today. It would be well neigh impossible to maintain a reasonable love life if a six foot separation is mandated as well as the ever so attractive masks. It will take a very inventive person or couple to take the steps necessary to have sex and still comply with all the pandemic safeguards.

My Place or Yours?

Truthfully, I’m being sarcastic and a bit facetious as I hope you realize. There isn’t any pandemic that I could think of that will slow anyone down who has sex on his/her mind. For years we couldn’t get people (men) to regularly wear condoms to prevent pregnancies. Then the HIV/AIDS epidemic struck and condoms immediately became the norm rather than just a circular indentation on the back of a wallet. If AIDS didn’t slow everyone down who cares about silly old Covid-19. Where there’s a will there’s always a way.

Where are all the up and coming entrepreneurs when you need them. How about a one size fits all body condom. Maybe a mask with an adjustable opening allowing for the occasional French kiss. We need to find the next Steve Jobs to help us get the ball rolling on some ingenious new devices to assist our lovemaking efforts during these trying times. He could start his own new company and become a zillionaire overnight selling pandemic related sexual devices. He could call the company, CHERRY, just to give Apple something to worry about.

Just a thought or two while I’m sitting here on the deck relaxing. Now it’s time for a Jack and Pepsi to keep my creative juices flowing.

C’mon August.

09/11/2020 Face Masks, Sex, and Co-Vid   1 comment

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If your reading this then my sneaky use of buzz words in the title worked perfectly and welcome to my blog.

As I’ve stated so many time before I love people-watching. In these day of the pandemic people-watching has taken a weird turn. Let me explain a bit.

Back in the day when crowds of people were everywhere people-watching was easy. Go to a Mall, a retail store, or anywhere alcoholic beverages were served, sit down and watch. These days it’s a real chore to people-watch unless your really committed like me. After months of watching thousands of masked people going about their lives I discovered a number of things.

While I was in the hospital and doctors offices everyone was masked as you would expect. I had tests, scans, and hours of conversations with women whose faces I couldn’t see. One in particular was especially eye- catching due to her lovely figure, beautiful hair, and killer eyes. I see now why most Muslim men prefer their women wearing head coverings. So after weeks of becoming friends with her I couldn’t take it any longer and finally asked her to pull down the mask so I could see her face. I now understand what that old saying about “being careful what you ask for” really means. To me she was beautiful because of her wonderful personality not her looks.

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Mean or Nice?

During that same time period I made that same request to another young lady who I didn’t consider all that striking but who was such a nice person I really just wanted to be able to recognize her in the future if I saw her again. She dropped her mask and my jaw dropped as well. She was absolutely beautiful. I was speechless and felt a little guilty about making unjustified judgements about her.

Masks make it possible for everyone to hide. Not only can’t our faces be seen neither can most of our facial expressions. I find myself making funny faces, sticking out my tongue, and muttering curse words muffled by my mask. If I’m doing it I’ll just know everyone else is doing it as well.

Here are my conclusions:

Beautiful Women and Handsome Men can’t be recognized just for their good looks anymore and are now forced to rely on their personalities to impress people they’re dealing with.

Everyone else can now show you how beautiful they really are without worrying about their looks and using their personalities as they always have.

We should make wearing masks mandatory for everyone. Imagine political debates with all of the candidates being masked and forced to rely on facts instead of bad puns and fake smiles. A masked JFK might never have been elected if all of the women in the country weren’t going GA-GA over his looks. Who knows?

Here’s my Public Service Announcement . Just so you know I’m not wearing my mask right now so please sanitize your hands and wipe down your computer. You can’t be too careful. The media might announce tomorrow that the virus can be spread through computer use.

DUMB ASSES!!

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