Archive for the ‘karma’ Tag

10/01/2021 Karma Can Be Brutal!   Leave a comment

It seems that everyone finds a great deal of humor in the smells and sounds of human bodily functions. I’m not exactly sure why it’s so damn funny but it really is. Anyone who tells me that they don’t see the humor in it is either lying or absolutely clueless.

It all started for me as a small child. Early on my father taught me the real meaning of the term “smell my finger” and believe me it’s a lesson not soon forgotten. Another of his favorites was “pull my finger” which normally resulted in a loud, disgusting, and eye watering fart. My dad wasn’t the least bit shy and would even pull stunts on my friends who were visiting. At first it was embarrassing but I soon learned to appreciate the humor as long as he was doing his thing to someone else.

Every young boy I knew took pleasure in grossing out their friends at every opportunity. School bus farting contests were our favorite because it involved grossing out the girls as well as the bus driver. We couldn’t pass that up.

Another practice was to burp as loudly as you could during a quiet study hall and then place the blame on someone else. My friend Dick had an almost supernatural ability to burp and throw his voice like a ventriloquist. He’d make a cute girl nearby turn cherry red when everyone thought she was the culprit. I hate to admit it but it was an uncanny talent that he used often and well into adulthood.

Church was the best place to maximize our unusual talents. All those prim and proper parents with their well behaved children being oh so pious. Nothing would crack us up like two rows of God-fearing Catholics smelling an SBD (Silent But Deadly) that was so bad it would curl their nose hairs. You have to realize how much acting talent and restraint it takes to appear shocked and disgusted and still be laughing like crazy on the inside. It actually made church bearable for those of us who were only there for the fun.

The other church related scene was in the confessional during confession. It did my heart good to confess my sins, say an Act of Contrition, and then leave a nasty smelling fart for the next sinner and secondarily grossing out the priest as well. Aren’t old memories the best?

I suppose you’re wondering what prompted this entire conversation. Well I was in Walgreens recently, masked as usual and minding my own business while shopping. As I walked into the rear of the store in a back corner I passed two young ladies who couldn’t have been more than 13 years old. They were laughing and giggling as most young kids do and were just as cute as a button. It was only a few seconds later I discovered why they were laughing so hard. I walked into a cloud of the worst smelling methane in history. I normally have a strong stomach but this was almost more than I can handle. I stood there trying to catch my breath while they stood nearby laughing hysterically. They ran off giggling all the way while I took a moment or two to regain my composure. Karmic paybacks really are a bitch. That damn mask might stop Covid-19 but not farts like these.


09/14/2021 Who Doesn’t Love Sarcasm?   Leave a comment

I’ve been accused by some of being a “sarcastic SOB”. I’ve been accused by others as being sarcastic when there is no need to be. In both of these cases my attitude remains pretty much the same. “I’m sarcastic, it isn’t going to change, so get over it.” I came by my ability honestly to answer almost anything said to me with a reciprocal sarcastic reply with little or no effort. I began developing this superpower at the age of 10 and I discovered early on that I can deflect parents, adults, and bullies, with sarcasm which in turn kept me from being beaten, spanked, and bothered.09/14/2021

At first I tried to get along with my main bully, Ken Daly, but bullies won’t or can’t deal with anyone they perceive as weak. I remember clearly the first time he was introduced to my sarcastic wit. Unfortunately he was too stupid to understand sarcasm and when I told him after taking a few minutes of his abuse, “Aren’t you just the biggest, scariest, and smartest SOB in the school?” I was stunned, he was actually flattered and just couldn’t stop smiling and proceeded to strut his stuff around the schoolyard. That one statement made me his new good buddy and after two years of his kicking me around, stealing my possessions, and smacking me a few times, I was finally free to live the rest of junior high and high school without that a-hole causing me problems.

I decided then and there that using wit, sarcasm, and glib remarks were valuable tools and I should refine my use of them to become “all I could be”. If used properly along with smiles and clever conversation it can also get me laid every so often. That in itself justified all of the time and effort I put forth to becoming a virtual “sarcasm machine”.

As always when I write about things I try to research the meanings of the words I’m using. All of the intellectuals who are responsible for compiling dictionaries and encyclopedias describe sarcasm very clinically and for the most part in a negative fashion. I find that disturbingly unintellectual. While I can agree to some extent that sarcasm can be used in a mean and aggressive way, I prefer a different approach.

Sarcasm is a tool and a God-given talent but really gets no respect from academia. Viewing sarcasm only as a negative really doesn’t get to the truth of it. There are some people, highly intelligent and educated, who just don’t get sarcasm. I throw sarcasm into a conversation for good reason. It allows me to gauge who understands my humor and those who don’t. For those who don’t I am forever grateful. I in turn use them to entertain the ones who are understanding me. I try not to be disrespectful during these occasions because I never want to be perceived as mean or rude. I like a lot of laughter in my life and when people around me don’t bring anything to the table, it’s up to me to create some and I do it as often as possible. Life’s too damn short.


( Sarcasm Off)

Posted September 14, 2021 by Every Useless Thing in Bitch & Complain, Education, Humor, Journal, Sarcasm

Tagged with , , , ,

04-12-2013   2 comments

Each morning I try to write the drafts of my blog postings while relaxing in bed and at the same time keeping up with current events on TV. One thing that irritates me even more than the never-ending infomercials for products is the never-ending religious infomercials by a bunch so called preachers. How stupid do you have to be to believe that someone requires a half-hour long infomercial to save your soul.  It’s for the effing money you fools.

Over the years and after a great deal of collecting and reading all types of information I’ve come to the conclusion that organized religion as we know it hasn’t convinced me of anything except to remain totally skeptical.  To quote a comedian with a wicked sense of humor, "I have no problem with a universal deity but I do have a problem believing in one that takes attendance".  It’s nothing more than an attempt to be funny but it’s simple thoughts like that that cause a person like me to think.

I’ve tried for many years to read as much about as many religions as I could and gotten nowhere fast.  The mere fact that there are so many religions bothers me the most.  It’s my opinion and belief that if there is only one God, with one basic message, then there should only be one religion.  Man-made religions with miracles and visions and other assorted nonsense leave me cold.  They continue to be more a source of amusement for me than anything I can take too seriously.  That being said, I am a big believer in the natural order of things.  Science is not a religion to me but scientific studies have convinced me that the natural order of all things will remain as fact long after most religions have crumbled into dust and been forgotten.

One thing that sticks with me throughout all of my attempts to believe in something supernatural or godlike is the term "karma". As stated by Isaac Newton’s Third Law, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction".  It’s simple and basic and believable. You can call it "karma" or use any term you’d like.  The term isn’t important but the facts of the matter will always remain constant. I’d like to believe that in the grand scheme of things there is a power that helps maintain a balance in all things. It just the old and overused biblical quote of "an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth" taken to it’s logical conclusion.  You treat me well and I’ll return the favor. If you do good, it will come back to you ten fold and as a balance if you do evil it will revisit you as well.

Two of my favorite sayings have always been; "what goes around, comes around" and "always do the right thing, no matter the consequences".  To me they seem to say the same basic thing.  It’s not a religion but good old common sense.  Do we really need every common sense thing reiterated and interpreted by human prophets who are no more intelligent than most of us already are? I think not.  As in everything else, when humans get involved things get twisted, misinterpreted, and turned into issues of money, power and control.

I try to live my life with my own self-imposed laws of proper behavior without having things dictated to me by other humans claiming they were chosen to deliver these messages by a higher power.  I find that offensive and I chose to go my own way.  My laws will always be the same, they will never change, or be misinterpreted.  When the day comes when I have to answer for my life and my actions, I’ll be ready. Will they?

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