Archive for December 2014
You would think I’d know better by now after all of the computer and networking fiasco’s I’ve had in recent months, but oh no, I just keep kicking the hornets nest over and over again.
I’ve written in the past about the robbery that took place here almost two years ago. If you’ve never been victimized by a home break-in it’s hard to explain just how paranoid you instantly become. Every time you leave your home you wonder if the criminals will return to take the rest of your belongings.
I took all of the normal precautions at the time with lock changes, deadbolts, metal doors, and padlocks on just about everything you can think of. It hasn’t made me feel the least bit protected. Today was the day when we purchased a rather sophisticated alarm system that can easily be expanded to include everything. It’s the first step in the creation of a “Smart House” which unfortunately requires a hookup directly into my home network and my internet feed.
Nothing is easy to install no matter what they tell you. It may be easy for the manufacturers but the guys that write their user manuals are idiots. Their one hour installation is now in it’s seventh hour due to faulty video cameras and the lack of a competent translator to read their instructions.
At last I have it in, operating and tested. All except for the two video cameras which were faulty and will soon be replaced. I now have door contacts, motion detectors, thermostats, sirens, and range extenders. All I need now is a wide and deep moat filled with hungry alligators and possibly a machine gun nest on the roof. If any intruders can get over the moat, past the alligators, through my dead bolts, and alarm sirens I guess I’ll just have to shoot them.
I feel safer already.
I know you’ve all been waiting for my next installment of the “Things I Once Hated”. I’m only going through this endless process because I need to show my better-half just how much I’ve mellowed over the years and that living with her has had a serious calming effect on me (sarcasm off). Let’s get this going for numbers 41-55.
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#41 Organic Food – This is one of the biggest scams going. Put organic on the label of anything and you can immediately increase the price by twenty-five percent. In my opinion anything that is grown is organic. Wash off any fertilizer and insecticide and you have clean and organic food. I hate those liars who extort money from all of us under suspicious circumstances or labeling. No improvement here.
#42 Liars – refer back to #41. On a daily basis we have dozens of people who lie to us. I’ve always hated being told things that are less than true and I still do. No improvement here either.
#43 Ear Hair – I was introduced to this issue when my better-half was caught trying to trim the hair in my ears while I was napping. It’s one of her pet peeves and she’s gently forced me into adding it to my original list of one hundred. I’m still being forced to hate it or there’d be hell to pay. No improvement.
#44 Doctors – I’ve had to rethink this item because I finally met a doctor that wasn’t playing God and actually treated me like a thinking human being. I’ll concede to a 50% improvement.
#45 Large Aureoles – As I’ve stated many times before I love boobs. But large aureoles bother me for some unknown reason. I’m forced into not hating them because they’re normally attached to things I love. It’s a conundrum I tell you. No more hate for them results in a 100% improvement.
#46 Overweight Babies – Just writing about this problem pisses me off. Overfeeding a toddler or young kid is about the worst start you can give them in life. I hate the thought of it almost as much as the people responsible. No improvement.
#47 Dirty Toilets – I suppose you think I’m only talking about those disgusting restrooms found in stores and gas stations. I am but I’m also including anyone else who refuses to clean their own bathrooms. I’ve been in a few that still give me nightmares. No improvement.
#48 Stinky Cheese – I just don’t see the point of making or eating some types of stinky cheese. My grandfather was a big fan of Limburger cheese and I suspect it was only because it kept us kids away from him during our visits. No improvement and no thank you.
#49 Opossums – One of the most disgusting animals on the planet. I understand they’re great to have around to clean up road kill but they’re gross, ugly, and disgusting. No possible improvement.
#50 Roadside Death Shrines – I’m reconsidering this item out of sympathy to those people who insist on building them. I think the whole process is a waste of time and effort but I guess if it makes them feel better for all of fifteen minutes. What the hell, since I’m now a much more loving and tolerant person I can let it go (sarcasm off). 100% improvement.
#51 Extra Toes – Too creepy to even discuss and that goes for webs between the toes as well. Go join a carnival but stay away from me. No improvement.
#52 Nose Hair – Again something being pushed on me by my better-half. She’s obsessed with hating this item therefore so must I. No improvement.
#53 Jehovah Witnesses – I can’t begin to tell you how much fun I’ve had over the years messing with these people. I can’t say I actually hate them personally but I do resent anyone who tries to force their belief system on me. These folks are nothing if not persistent making them a huge target for my sometime sick sense of humor. 100% improvement.
#54 Salesmen – I’ll modify this category somewhat. I hate “high pressure” sales people. So I’ll claim a 50% improvement on this one as long as they don’t get in my face.
#55 Hot Tuna Casserole – I’ve done a total 180 on this one. I finally found someone with a recipe that I actually liked and looked forward to eating. No more hating of hot tuna dishes. 100% improvement.
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That should do it for today. Fifty-five items now completed with only forty-five more to go. Just remember all of these items are in no particular order of importance.
The last few days have been fugly and for those of you that don’t know what that means I suggest you call someone. Sleet, freezing rain, ice, snow, regular rain, high winds, and temperatures moving up and down the scale from 9 degrees to 40 degrees. A little bit of everything you could possibly imagine and none of it you would ever ask for.
The ice storm early in the week was responsible not only for icy roads but for falling tree branches covered with ice and snow. We had two small trees down in the back yard but nothing too terrible. Other folks weren’t as lucky with collapsed roofs, damaged vehicles, and damaged shrubbery.
We took a ride around the area earlier today and these photos pretty much explain how Maine feels in the winter. This first shot is of what a prosperous farm looks like in Winter.
A very solemn sight to be sure. I prefer the corn to be green and growing and the machinery in operation. The next photos were taken along the Saco river with the first looking north with the sun at my back and the second facing south with the sun in my eyes.
Regardless of the direction I’m looking that water is frigid, the cold wind was freezing my face, and I ran for my car when I was finished. The parking area near the river was covered in ice and it was purely luck I didn’t fall on my ass like I usually do. Through a bare spot in the ice I saw a reminder of Summer and of all the teenage kids who seem to congregate here. I don’t know who Jake is but an artist he aint!
I look forward to seeing more graffiti in about five months. I sure hope it’s better than this stuff.
I’m feeling particularly lazy today thanks in part to NASA and the pilot of a small boat floating off shore near Cape Canaveral. Both of them were responsible for totally screwing up my sleep schedule for last night and again this morning and unfortunately tomorrow as well.
I’m a bit of a science and space nerd and I was excited enough about the launch of Orion that I set my alarm for 4:15 am, stumbled out of bed to await the launch at 7:04 am. After two and a half hours of the prelaunch show I was ready to see that rocket fly. Too bad the dumb SOB in that boat who wandered into the hazard zone near the launch site caused the first of what ended up being four delays.
At 9:00 am I was still sitting like a zombie on the couch with my fourth cup of coffee, all wound up with no place to go. They missed the launch window and now I’ve got to do all of this again tomorrow morning. Since I’m not altogether alert yet, I thought I’d just post the third installment of "Things I Once Hated". These fifteen items will complete the first forty of my list of one hundred. Here we go.
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#26 Hospitals – I don’t ever see my feelings for hospitals changing. They creep me out just as much now as they did when I was a kid. No improvement and there never will be.
#27 Mimes – I don’t know many people who like mimes except for a few artistic types I attended school with. A major annoyance if you’re trying to sit on a bench and relax for a few minutes but no actual hatred. 100% improvement.
#28 Oprah Winfrey – What more needs to be said. She finally moved on down the road just like Phil Donahue. Goodbye, good luck, and get out! No improvement for Harpo.
#29 Finger Nail Decals – I love well cared for nails on a woman but in my humble opinion decals are tacky. I can’t say I hate people that wear them but the first impression they leave with me isn’t good. No hatred but a 100% of yuck. 100% improvement on the hate scale. I can almost feel myself evolving with all these fantastic improvements.
#30 Will Ferrell – To me he is the unfunniest comic I’ve ever seen or heard of. No improvement.
#31 Fake Finger Nails – I really don’t hate them because my better-half has occasionally had them installed. Even if I did I can’t ever say it out loud. 100% improvement.
#32 The Smell of Urine – Yours, mine, or anyone else’s. No improvement.
#33 Corpse’s – Being a former soldier and police officer I’ve seen my fair share of bodies. I always hated being put into a position to personally deal with the dead. It’s very creepy and I hated it then and still do. No improvement.
#34 Women Missing Teeth – I guess I really don’t hate them but they do give me a huge case of the willies when they smile at me. 100% improvement.
#35 Political Correctness – No explanation needed for this. My biggest all time hate. No improvement.
#36 Liberals – This refers to those true dyed-in-the-wool, Kool-Aid drinking, Obama loving, and Clinton worshiping Liberals. Many other Liberals are moderate and I don’t hate them, they just annoy me. 50% improvement.
#37 Drug Users – Just hate’em ! ! ! No improvement.
#38 Boogers – As I’ve matured I’ve come to understand that I don’t hate all boogers. I really can’t hate my own because I’ve spent years learning how to properly handle them. I do hate the boogers of others because they show up in the damnedest places. Now you not only find old gum under table edges but also the occasional moist booger. That’s really rude so please flick it elsewhere like everyone else does. 50% improvement.
#39 Clowns – I once wore a clown costume for Halloween and mistakenly looked into a mirror as I walked by. It freaked me the hell out and I’ve hated them ever since. No improvement.
#40 Corns – Nothing’s worse that being in a darkened room getting romantic with a gorgeous women and as you run your hand slowly down her smoothly shaved legs to her feet. There you run into some crusty and nasty corns. Hate is way too nice a word for those things. Not only do they make the woman limp but me as well. No improvement.
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That takes care of items 1-40. The rest will be posted before years end and then I can get started on my New Year’s resolutions.
P.S. It’s now the next day and I just finished watching another four hours of the Orion flight. Kudos to NASA and all of it’s partners. The takeoff, flight, and landing went without a hitch and they should be congratulated on such a huge accomplishment.
Now I need a nap!
Finally Black November, Black Friday Week, Black Friday, and Cyber Monday are over. Cyber Week will continue for three more days but OMFG. This has been the worst year I’ve ever experienced with the constant drumbeat of commercials, sales, bait and switch schemes, and alleged price drops. I’m beginning to believe that the majority of people in this country are just as stupid as I once suspected.
Working with and for retailers for years gives me an excellent perspective on things and it’s depressing as hell. Not only did retailers start earlier than ever with their push, the sales and price reductions were ridiculous. Did it ever occur to people that if they can sell most of their goods at these Black Friday prices, just how much their actual markup really is. They reduce prices by thirty percent and still seem to be making money. All that tells me is that for 51 weeks every year we are being criminally overcharged for just about everything. Does that stop the crowds from becoming near riots so they can purchase a certain doll or a certain electronic gadget? Hell no! It’s a form of insanity that brings out the absolute worst in some people as well as the constant and unrelenting pandering by the retailers. It’s maddening.
The retailers seem desperate to one-up all of their competitors to grab a little more market share. One of the commercials I can mention is the one that got me thinking along these lines. How bad does it have to be for the Kleenex company to start a competition where consumers are asked to relate an uplifting story of a personal interaction with a Kleenex tissue. Who in their right mind is going to invest their time to write a heart rendering nose-wiping story. Just unbelievable.
I harken back to the Y2K fiasco. That was the tipping point for me. I saw retailers and businesses panic millions of citizens and other businesses into spending billions of dollars for a trumped up emergency that never happened. It appears that we haven’t gotten any smarter in the intervening years.
I needed to rant a little today because this kind of idiocy makes me even crazier than usual. I see no end to it and there seems to be no concern by the buying public about how much they’re being manipulated. What more can I say? Not much that will be listened to for sure. Here’s my last word on the subject for this year so listen closely.
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(Sarcasm on)
Merry Christmas – HO! HO! HO!
Santa has requested that I help him out this year by collecting funds needed for the ever increasing costs for reindeer feed, new uniforms, and elf shoes. Just have all of your friends immediately send $10.00 to me and I’ll make sure you’re all moved directly to the top of his gift giving list. The sooner you act the better because the funds are badly needed to help Santa deal with the many holiday stresses for him and his helpers, of which I am one. I’ll be able to spend a week in Tahiti for Christmas with my family so I can be ready for next years duties. All of this holiday stress has become a dangerous health issue for us and it doesn’t seem to be covered by Obamacare. Help us out, who can’t afford a $10.00 donation for such a good cause. Santa will love you forever and you just might get that special gift you’ve always wanted next year. I should also mention that we have a payment plan in effect where your ten dollar donation can be deducted monthly from your account and delivered DIRECTLY to Santa for his expenses during the off season. Get your kids involved, they love Santa too. Santa stickers are also available for just $7.00 and can be shipped directly to your home. Just add $8.00 for shipping and handling.
HAVE A HAPPY AND GENEROUS HOLIDAY SEASON
(Sarcasm off)
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P.S. I only marked the last paragraph as Sarcasm due to MY fear that certain people would read it, react, and immediately rush to send me their $10.00. I’m just cynical enough to believe that could happen so please, DON’T SEND ANY MONEY.
I thought starting the month of December with part two of my review of “Things I Once Hated” would be appropriate. After working for a toy retailer for thirteen years, I once hated Christmas with a passion, but as you can see I continue to show improvement in some areas. Here are the next fifteen items.
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#11 Pierced Clits – While I think these body decorations can be interesting they also have the ability to be dangerous. I no longer hate them but I do think we males should be forewarned in some fashion as to the possible dangers to our equipment. 100% improvement.
#12 Large Groups of People – I still hate this. You can’t easily get over a phobia like this so there will never be improvement here.
#13 Old Gum Under Tables – No matter how good that old gum might taste I refuse to partake. It also sticks to the knees of my pants and I hate that. No improvement.
#14 Penis Tattooing – Just saying those two words make me cringe. I still hate unnecessary puncturing of the genitals for any reason and can’t be convinced otherwise. No improvement.
#15 Penn & Teller – Over the years my opinion on these two has changed a lot. I still think Penn is a big blowhard but I’ve taken a liking to Teller. He knows when to keep his mouth shut. 50% improvement.
#16 Dumb Cashiers – This problem is even worse now than it was when I initially made my list. No improvement to this everlasting annoyance.
#17 Stinky Feet – Unfortunately I still hate this. To my everlasting embarrassment I’ve become a contributor to this problem. I hate my own feet and how they reek. No improvement.
#18 Decomposition – My feelings about this go hand-in-hand with Funerals. Thank God for cremation because I don’t even like to think about being embalmed and left to rot. Creepy as hell if you ask me so there’s no improvement.
#19 Night Farts – I’ve had to modify my feeling somewhat on night farting. While I don’t mind my own I have some serious issues with my better-half. So I’ll just call that a 50% improvement.
#20 Bugs Crawling On Me – Absolutely no change here. I freaking hate it. No improvement.
#21 Tongue Studs – After giving this category a little more thought and doing a little field research I’m now all for them. See how much I’m growing and improving. 100% improvement.
#22 Hairy Bushes – This is a tough one. In Summer I hate them but in Winter I love them. I’m forced to declare an improvement of 50%. It’s just the right thing to do.
#23 Terrorists – Kill them all. No improvement.
#24 Overweight Pets – This category can’t really change. Owners are mostly responsible for this problem and need to change their ways. No improvement.
#25 Know-It-All’s – No change here either. These people make me want to scream and then kick their collective asses.
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That concludes my revisits to the first twenty five items on my list of one hundred. More to come in the next few weeks.
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