Archive for the ‘urine’ Tag

01-26-2015 Journal– A Revised Number List!   Leave a comment

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“This is a courtesy warning for those of you with weak stomachs. What you are about to read was written while under the influence of twenty different cold and flu medications. Proceed at your own risk.”

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As my better-half and I lay here in bed this morning coughing and sniffling, I had a major epiphany.  Basically the human body is a complex, disgusting, and disturbing mess.  Let’s run down the list of my favorites things.  We have farts, body odor, bad breath, smelly feet, and a host other smells that are best forgotten. We are easy infected with every virus imaginable and the medical research community is hard at work (so they say) to come up with answers and remedies for them.  That doesn’t include the common cold of course. Nothing or no one seems to be able to find that super drug that will conquer that sneaky little disease.

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Let’s not forget the biggest two items we first learned about as children, #1 and #2.  Let’s call them what they are, urine and poop.  I’m not sure what genius started the #1 and #2 nonsense but I’d bet it was some goody-two shoes afraid to say those two disgusting words.  While he was standing around being disgusted he made a critical error.  He forgot the all important #3, Phlegm aka mucus aka sputum. While urine and poop are smelly and disgusting phlegm rules. It comes in multiple colors and multiple textures and it never stops being produced. At least with urine and poop, you go once and your good for a while. With phlegm there’s no end.  I could probably fill an Olympic size swimming pool with all of the phlegm my body has produced in my lifetime. In just the last twelve hours my better-half and I have produced at least twenty gallons each without even trying.

I actually prefer the term sputum rather than phlegm or mucus.  It sounds much more sophisticated and medical.  If someone  says the word phlegm to me it immediately brings to mind a pearly little lugie.  Lugies are even more disgusting because you can be targeted accidentally or purposely by one of those mean spirited and accurate lugie spitters.  If someone says "I have a build up of sputum in my throat." It sounds a little less disgusting and more official. 

So, what have we learned so far.  First there should a #3 added to the lexicon to identify Sputum or phlegm or mucus.  I’m really just trying to class things up a little for a change but no one wants to cooperate.

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I see in our future a new national observance for Sputum Day.  This substance has become as big a part of our miserable lives as #1 and #2 and in January and February may even surpass them.  It deserves to be recognized and celebrated with parades and parties not just in the US but across the world. We already have Earth Day and I think it’s time for Sputum Day.  The drink of the day can be green beer (stolen from St. Paddy’s Day) and laced with mayonnaise.  A thick and repugnant drink that can really bring back memories of colds and flu from your childhood. There’s nothing better than a disgusting trip down Memory Lane.

Enough! This post is actually beginning to turn my stomach too. I’ll clean up my act when and only when I start to feel a little better.  Meanwhile I’ll just keep producing all this phlegm and sucking down all these miracle cold and flu remedies that don’t really work.  All they do is create more Sputum.

Don’t even get me started on Smegma.

12-05-2014 Journal – Things I Once Hated III   Leave a comment

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I’m feeling particularly lazy today thanks in part to NASA and the pilot of a small boat floating off shore near Cape Canaveral. Both of them were responsible for totally screwing up my sleep schedule for last night and again this morning and unfortunately tomorrow as well.

I’m a bit of a science and space nerd and I was excited enough about the launch of Orion that I set my alarm for 4:15 am, stumbled out of bed to await the launch at 7:04 am.  After two and a half hours of the prelaunch show I was ready to see that rocket fly.  Too bad the dumb SOB in that boat who wandered into the hazard zone near the launch site caused the first of what ended up being four delays. 

At 9:00 am I was still sitting like a zombie on the couch with my fourth cup of coffee, all wound up with no place to go. They missed the launch window and now I’ve got to do all of this again tomorrow morning. Since I’m not altogether alert yet, I thought I’d just post the third installment of "Things I Once Hated". These fifteen items will complete the first forty of my list of one hundred.  Here we go.

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#26  Hospitals – I don’t ever see my feelings for hospitals changing. They creep me out just as much now as they did when I was a kid.  No improvement and there never will be.

#27  Mimes – I don’t know many people who like mimes except for a few artistic types I attended school with.  A major annoyance if you’re trying to sit on a bench and relax for a few minutes but no actual hatred. 100% improvement.

#28  Oprah Winfrey – What more needs to be said.  She finally moved on down the road just like Phil Donahue.  Goodbye, good luck, and get out! No improvement for Harpo.

#29  Finger Nail Decals – I love well cared for nails on a woman but in my humble opinion decals are tacky.  I can’t say I hate people that wear them but the first impression they leave with me isn’t good.  No hatred but a 100% of yuck. 100% improvement on the hate scale.  I can almost feel myself evolving with all these fantastic improvements.

#30  Will Ferrell – To me he is the unfunniest comic I’ve ever seen or heard of. No improvement.

#31  Fake Finger Nails – I really don’t hate them because my better-half has occasionally had them installed. Even if I did I can’t ever say it out loud. 100% improvement.

#32  The Smell of Urine – Yours, mine, or anyone else’s. No improvement.

#33  Corpse’s – Being a former soldier and police officer I’ve seen my fair share of bodies.  I always hated being put into a position to personally deal with the dead. It’s very creepy and I hated it then and still do. No improvement.

#34  Women Missing Teeth – I guess I really don’t hate them but they do give me a huge case of the willies when they smile at me. 100% improvement.

#35  Political Correctness – No explanation needed for this. My biggest all time hate. No improvement.

#36  Liberals – This refers to those true dyed-in-the-wool, Kool-Aid drinking, Obama loving, and Clinton worshiping Liberals.  Many other Liberals are moderate and I don’t hate them, they just annoy me. 50% improvement.

#37  Drug Users – Just hate’em ! ! ! No improvement.

#38  Boogers – As I’ve matured I’ve come to understand that I don’t hate all boogers. I really can’t hate my own because I’ve spent years learning how to properly handle them.  I do hate the boogers of others because they show up in the damnedest places.  Now you not only find old gum under table edges but also the occasional moist booger.  That’s really rude so please flick it elsewhere like everyone else does. 50% improvement.

#39  Clowns – I once wore a clown costume for Halloween and mistakenly looked into a mirror as I walked by.  It freaked me the hell out and I’ve hated them ever since. No improvement.

#40  Corns – Nothing’s worse that being in a darkened room getting romantic with a gorgeous women and as you run your hand slowly down her smoothly shaved legs to her feet. There you run into some crusty and nasty corns.  Hate is way too nice a word for those things. Not only do they make the woman limp but me as well. No improvement.

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That takes care of items 1-40.  The rest will be posted before years end and then I can get started on my New Year’s resolutions.

P.S.  It’s now the next day and I just finished watching another four hours of the Orion flight.  Kudos to NASA and all of it’s partners.  The takeoff, flight, and landing went without a hitch and they should be congratulated on such a huge accomplishment.

Now I need a nap!

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