Archive for the ‘penis’ Tag

04/13/2022 Penis Euphemisms   2 comments

I have to admit that my choice of reading materials is vast. I’ll read just about anything I can get my hands on at any given moment. With that in mind, I stumbled upon a book recently filled with euphemisms of all kinds. I’m going to start posting some of these euphemism lists over the next few months because they are hysterically funny. That being said, me being a man, I thought the first list would contain 45 nicknames for penises. Don’t worry girls the list for women’s vaginas is five times as long as the one for men and I’ll be posting that list as we go forward. Speaking for myself, I’ve never ever named my penis. It amazes me that so many men do. Let’s get started . . .

The Bazooka, A Bit of Hard, A Bit of Stiff, The Bone, A Boner, Captain Standish, The Cockstand, Coleen Bawn, Crack a Fat, The Cunt Stretcher, Fixed Bayonets, A Full, The Golden River, A Hard-on, The Horn, In Ones Best Clothes, In One’s Sunday Best, An Irish Toothache, Jack, A Lance at Rest, The Marquess of Porn, Morning Pride, Old Hornington, Old Horny, Be on the Stand, Be Piss Proud, Be Proud Below the Navel, The Rail, The Ramrod, The Reamer, The Rose in Ones Levi’s, The Roaring Horn, Roaring Jack, The Rock Python, The Spike, The Stalk, The Standard, The Standing Member, Standingware,, Stiff and Stout, A Stiff One, Stiffy, A Toothache, A Wood, A Woody . . . .

I’m pretty sure if I were making this list, it wouldn’t be as lame as these. It’s obvious to me that the guys who contributed to this list weren’t all that proud of their little (no pun intended) friend. One more fact for you. I will not be naming my penis in this post. He already knows who he is and needs no further introduction. I promise that if the day comes when I think it’s necessary to ID him, I’ll post it immediately.


09/04/2021 Get Your Sex Education Here   Leave a comment

I really love spending time on the internet. The amount of information available for viewing is mind-boggling to say the least. I stumbled onto a website recently filled with information on the sexual habits of animals which told me way more than I ever wanted to know about how insects and slimy things have sex. It did make me think, what about people? What kind of strange, dumb, or interesting things could I find out about us?

I began a diligent search to collect well-known, little-known, and quite possibly unknown facts about human sexuality. The amount of that available information was even more incredible than what I was able to find on animals. I accumulated a list of some of the things I thought were truly interesting and not just bizarre and strange. I just thought it might be fun to spice things up a little on this blog and at the same time distribute a little sexual trivia you may not have heard before. Hold your applause it may not be as good as you’re thinking.

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  • During any given period, women who read romance novels have a tendency to have twice as many lovers as those who don’t.
  • -321 degrees Fahrenheit is the temperature at which sperm banks store donor semen. At this temperature, semen can be stored indefinitely,
  • In one hour, the average sperm can swim 7 in.
  • The testes increase in size by 50% when a man is sexually aroused.
  • Hetrosexual anal sex is something 43% of women have experienced.
  • During an average man’s lifetime, he will ejaculate approximately 17 liters of semen, which amounts to about half a trillion sperm.
  • It takes two tablespoons of blood to get the average man’s penis erect.
  • The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
  • 75% of Japanese women own a vibrator. The average worldwide is 47%.
  • 22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens. In Switzerland and Japan, only 2% did so.

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Well there you have a collection of 10 sexual facts collected from here and there and everywhere. I have to admit I did learn a few things I didn’t previously know about our sexual proclivities and I guess that’s a good thing. I also know I would have been beheaded at age 11 if I’d been born in Indonesian. This was only a small portion of the facts I discovered. More to come . . .


03-15-2016 Journal – Sex & Julius Caesar!   2 comments


‘Gaius Julius Caesar’

Today is the day every year that I remember good old Julius Caesar. The Ides of March will forever be known as an evil day  thanks to him and all of his so-called friends. Stabbed twenty-three times upon arriving at his work place at the Curia he was left to die alone on the sidewalk. It just goes to show how far we’ve come as a society because these days we’ve made some major improvements on how to murder someone.  If Caesar was to be murdered today it would be by two hooded gentlemen driving by in a mini-Fiat firing a couple of Tech-9’s at him. He’d still be just as dead but it would have been  done so much quicker and efficiently.   So for today “All Hail Caesar”.

Now let’s move onto something almost as interesting as a dead guy. SEX!  I’ve been on a roll in recent weeks with trivia postings because I love trivial facts.  I also love sex so it only seems right that I offer up some sex related information.  Here goes nothing.


  • The average size of an erect penis measures between 5 and 6 inches, while the average size of a flaccid penis is about 3.5 inches.
  • Many of the ingredients in chocolate are proven to cause arousal similar in effect to sexual foreplay. In fact, some experts believe chocolate may be even more effective than foreplay for sexual arousal.
  • Historical records show that even in 1850 B.C., women attempted to practice birth control. The most common method was a mixture of crocodile dung and honey placed in the vagina in the hopes of preventing pregnancy.
  • Although nearly any body part or item of clothing may be an object of sexual fetishism, the shoe and the foot are the two most common fetishes in Western society.
  • Just a decade ago, only 25% of women reported experiencing orgasm as a result of intercourse. In recent years, this number has risen to about 45%. In contrast, over 80% of women report experiencing orgasm though oral sex.

It’s no wonder I’ve been addicted to chocolate my entire life. Instead of foreplay just gobble down a handful of M&M’s and get busy. Also I will verify that feet can be sexually arousing. I’ve been a foot lover since day one and damn proud of it. And last but not least to both men and women I say “Hooray for Oral Sex” and “Boo!” to crocodile dung and honey. Yuck!


  • The vibrator, a common sex toy for women, was originally designed in the nineteenth century as a medication to combat the anxiety-related symptoms of “hysteria” (now known as menstruation).
  • Throughout the United States, approximately 4% of the population self-identifies as gay, lesbian, or bisexual.
  • During 30 minutes of active sex, the average person burns approximately 200 calories.
  • On average, adult men think about sex every seven seconds.
  • Approximately 1% of people worldwide identify as asexual (having no strong sexual attraction to either sex).

I think about sex every seven seconds? I might have to disagree with that fact. I think it’s way more often that that. Ask any guy!  If I recall my basic facts on weight loss it takes a reduction of approximately 2000 calories to lose a pound of weight. If that’s true then having intercourse ten times would also work.  I’m sure you could lose a lot of weight doing it that way but you might miss a few days of work here and there.


  • Statistics suggest that approximately one in every five Americans has indulged in sex with a colleague at work.
  • Approximately 70% of people in the U.S. admit to fantasizing about group sex at some point in their life, and more than 50% of those people actually follow through.
  • One report states that 48% of women have faked an orgasm at least once in their life. Interestingly, an identical 48% of men also report faking an orgasm at least once.
  • Since AIDS was first diagnosed in 1981, more than 25 million people have died as a result of the virus. Two million people died from AIDS in the year 2007 alone.
  • Statistics show that approximately 90% of men and 65% of women masturbate from time to time.

Group sex appears more popular than I thought. The masturbation numbers were surprising. I thought you women out there were keeping up but I guess I was mistaken. Shame on all of you, so get to work ladies.


This is my favorite tidbit and could possibly explain my obsession with wine. After I drink enough of a favorite Chardonnay my behavioral responses can get pretty interesting. Especially if I eat a huge chunk of chocolate along with it. LOOK OUT!

  • Both men and women can be turned on by the aromas of wine. The scents of many wines are believed to replicate human pheromones, the chemical substances that cause behavioral responses in humans.


12-01-2014 Journal – Things I Once Hated II   Leave a comment


I thought starting the month of December with part two of my review of “Things I Once Hated” would be appropriate.  After working for a toy retailer for thirteen years, I once hated Christmas with a passion, but as you can see I continue to show improvement in some areas. Here are the next fifteen items.

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#11 Pierced Clits – While I think these body decorations can be interesting they also have the ability to be dangerous.  I no longer hate them but I do think we males should be forewarned in some fashion as to the possible dangers to our equipment. 100% improvement.

#12  Large Groups of People – I still hate this.  You can’t easily get over a phobia like this so there will never be improvement here.

#13  Old Gum Under Tables – No matter how good that old gum might taste I refuse to partake.  It also sticks to the knees of my pants and I hate that.  No improvement.

#14  Penis Tattooing –  Just saying those two words  make me cringe. I still hate unnecessary puncturing of the genitals for any reason and can’t be convinced otherwise. No improvement.

#15  Penn & Teller – Over the years my opinion on these two has changed a lot.  I still think Penn is a big blowhard but I’ve taken a liking to Teller.  He knows when to keep his mouth shut. 50% improvement.

#16  Dumb Cashiers – This problem is even worse now than it was when I initially made my list.  No improvement to this everlasting annoyance.

#17  Stinky Feet – Unfortunately I still hate this.  To my everlasting embarrassment I’ve become a contributor to this problem.  I hate my own feet and how they reek.  No improvement.

#18  Decomposition – My feelings about this go hand-in-hand with Funerals.  Thank God for cremation because I don’t even like to think about being embalmed and left to rot. Creepy as hell if you ask me so there’s no improvement.

#19  Night Farts – I’ve had to modify my feeling somewhat on night farting. While I don’t mind my own I have some serious issues with my better-half. So I’ll just call that a 50% improvement.

#20  Bugs Crawling On Me – Absolutely no change here.  I freaking hate it. No improvement.

#21  Tongue Studs – After giving this category a little more thought and doing a little field research I’m now all for them.  See how much I’m growing  and improving.  100% improvement.

#22  Hairy Bushes – This is a tough one. In Summer I hate them but in Winter I love them.  I’m forced to declare an improvement of 50%. It’s just the right thing to do.

#23  Terrorists – Kill them all.  No improvement.

#24  Overweight Pets – This category can’t really change.  Owners are mostly responsible for this problem and need to change their ways. No improvement.

#25  Know-It-All’s – No change here either.  These people make me want to scream and then kick their collective asses.

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That concludes my revisits to the first twenty five items on my list of one hundred.  More to come in the next few weeks.

08-29-2013   Leave a comment


It’s time for two more lessons from those super dedicated and intelligent teachers from Every Useless Thing University.  The source of endless supplies of knowledge mostly forgotten by the every-day citizen.  Take detailed notes because our tests are tough and the failure rate has been climbing in recent years. 

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Lesson #9 – What is Snot and Why is it Sometimes Green?

Snot is a slang term for mucus, a thin and slippery material comprising musins and inorganic salts suspended in water that’s produced by the mucous membranes inside the nose. It serves to moisten and protect the nose and throat while also trapping inhaled foreign matter, keeping it in the nose and thus preventing dangerous particles and germs from reaching the lungs, where they could cause damage. Mucus surrounds any foreign matter that is trapped and dries around it, producing a hardened piece of snot.

Mucus production is normal and healthy, but increased production in the respiratory tract is often a sign of a disease, such as the common cold.

When snot appears green or yellow, this is usually because the body has a bacterial infection, causing it to produce thick mucus containing pus excreted by the bacteria. When the body’s immune system detects the infection, it produces an enzyme called myeloperoxidase, which kills the bacteria in the mucus and expels it through the nose.

The nose produces almost a cupful of snot every day.

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Lesson #10 – Does Penis Size Vary by Race?

The penis sizes of men are frequently discussed and joked about. A large penis is coveted by many, considered a symbol of masculinity and thought to be an attractive quality to women. The size of a man’s penis is influenced by a number of factors, such as cold temperatures, which generally reduce the size of the flaccid penis to a lack of blood flow causing it to shrink.

One study found that the average length of the stretched, flaccid penis was 5.2 inches for White men, 5.7 inches Black men, and 4.2 inches for Asian men. Another study, meanwhile, found the average length of the unstretched, flaccid penis is 4 inches for White men and 4.3 for Black men. Black men’s penises were also found to be longer when erect, but only by 1 inch, while their circumferences were found to be in average 0.1 inch larger.

On the basis of these studies it is evident that the average black man’s penis is larger than the average white man’s which is in turn is larger than the average Asian man’s. Corroborating the latter part of this conclusion is a further finding that American condoms are 7.1 inches long, whereas Japanese condoms are 6.3 inches long. For this reason, at one time travel-guides recommended that male travelers should take their own condoms when visiting Asia.

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What have we learned today?  First, snotty noses serve a useful purpose but wiping them is still mandatory so as not to gross out others.

Second, for you female students who overly concern  themselves with penis size, the information contained in Lesson #10 should be helpful.  You should always remember this important and useful adage to further assist you when choosing a possible boyfriend or mate,  “It’s not the size of the club but how it’s wielded.”


08-17-2013   Leave a comment


Class is now in session, so please take your seats, pay close attention, and prepare to become a little smarter.  Our lessons for today are as follows:

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Lesson #7 – Why Does Alcohol Cause People to Urinate?

The reason why people urinate so frequently while drinking alcohol is because it is a diuretic i.e., a drug that increases the amount of urine produced by the kidneys. Caffeine, too, is a diuretic.

Alcohols diuretic effect works by preventing the blood regulation function of vasopressin, and antidiuretic hormone that acts on the kidneys, compelling them to concentrate urine by increasing the resorption of water. Decrease in vasopressin therefore reduces the amount of water reabsorbed by the kidneys, resulting in the production of larger amounts of urine. This diuretic effect draws water from the body and causes a person to urinate more fluid than they imbibe.

The diuretic effect (or diuresis) is caused not by the volume of liquid drunk but by the alcohol content of the drink itself. A shot of spirits will generally cause a person to generate as much urine as they would if they drink a pint of beer.

Now you know the reason for the consistently long lines at restrooms during sporting events.  The next time your at a party and you hear the phrase “I could piss like a race horse”, get out of the way and let that person pass.  You certainly don’t want any back splash on your shoes.

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Lesson #8 – Why Does the Penis Shrink When It’s Cold?

In cold weather or water, a man’s penis will often retract and reduce considerably in size. This phenomenon sometimes referred to as “shrinkage”, and it occurs for a number of reasons, primarily that of temperature regulation. The testicles are contained in the scrotum and suspended away from the body, owing to the fact that sperm can be produced only when conditions are slightly cooler than the core temperature of the body. The temperature range in which sperm can be produced is very narrow, varying by only a couple of degrees, and when the environment gets too cold the scrotum retracts, drawing the testicles closer to the body to increase the temperature. As the penis is attached to the scrotum, this retraction pulls up the penis along with it.

A sufficient steep drop in temperature will also prompt the body to reduce the amount of blood circulating to the extremities and appendages, and concentrate blood flow in the core of the body in order to check the vital organs. As the size of the penis is affected greatly by the amount of blood that it receives, when a drop in temperature causes a reduction in the amount of blood reaches it, the penis shrivels and decreases in size.

Penis can also reduce in size when a man is startled or frighten, again because the body retracts the scrotum to the body for maximum protection, following the penis and with it.

* * *

Now all of you ladies out there have the inside scoop.  You should no longer take it personally if a man fails to respond to your many charms since he’s either cold, wet, startled or even  frightened.  If he is none of those things then you have a serious problem that can only be solved by kicking him to the curb and moving on.


08-12-2013   Leave a comment

I love lists of all kinds but I apparently haven’t listed some subjects that certain people have been waiting for.  In response to a "tongue in cheek" request for odd or record setting information on sex I visited more web sites than usual to find a few interesting sexual facts. I can’t personally verify these tidbits but the majority have been reported through numerous sources and appear legitimate.  Read on and and try hard not to laugh too much, shudder too much or retch too much.

  • Most Children Fathered: The king of Morocco (in the 17th century), Moulay Ismail Ibn Sharif, is a proud owner of this sex record. He had a harem with 500 wives and 1042 recorded offspring’s.
  • Oldest Father: Indian farmer, Nanu Ram Jogi already held the record for world’s oldest father when he fathered his 21st child at 90-years-old. Jogi is married to his fourth wife and has no plans of slowing down his baby production.
  • Most Births: The modern world record for giving birth is held by Leontina Albina from San Antonio, Chile. Now in her mid-sixties, she claims to be the mother of 64 children. Of these, 55 are documented.
  • The mother with the greatest number of kids that are not twins is Livia Ionce. This Romanian woman, 44, gave birth to her 18th child in Canada in 2008.
  • The woman to give birth to the most children was a peasant’s wife from Shuya (east of Moscow) . She gave birth 27 times. 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets and four sets of quadruplets.
  • Most Ejaculations: For a man in one hour is 16.
  • Semen Swallowed: Michelle Monahan swallowed 1.7 pints (almost 1 liter) of semen and had to get her stomach pumped.
  • Most female orgasms in an hour: 134.
  • Most male orgasms in an hour: 16.
  • Longest Ejaculation: American man Horst Schultz was recorded ejaculating 18 feet 9 inches. He also holds the records for height (12 ft. 4in) and speed (42.7mph). A woman has been recorded ejaculating 10 feet.
  • Strongest Vagina: 42 year-old Russian woman, Tatiata Kozhevnikova, broke her own record by hefting a glass ball attached to 31 pounds of weight with her vagina muscles. Kozhenikova’s success didn’t happen overnight, but through fifteen years of rigorously training.
  • Oldest Prostitute: An 82 -year-old woman called "Grandma" in Tai Pei is believed to be the oldest living and working prostitute. She began 40 years ago after a man she had lived with for two decades died. She stays in business by charging ten to twenty times less than other working girls in the area.
  • Largest Female Gangbang: Pornstar Lisa Sparxxx nailed 919 guys in 24 hours. This defeated previous records of 646 in 2002 and 759 in 2003.
  • Largest Male Gangbang: Porn star Jon Dough had sex with over 55 women in one day, having 5 to 6 orgasms.
  • Largest Orgy: In Japan 250 couples had sex at the same time and in the same place while camera crews recorded the event. Despite all testing negative for STDs, the couples only had sex with their partners.
  • Youngest Parents: Shaun Steard of England was 12 when he became a father. 5-year-old, Peruvian Lina Medina gave birth in 1933 after starting to menstruate at 3. Her father was jailed on suspicion of incest but released due to a lack of evidence. The child was delivered through cesarean because Lina’s hips were too narrow.
  • The smallest human penis: 0.39 inches.
  • Largest Non-Human Penis: Rorqual whales have penises that average 10 feet, and as much as a 1 foot in diameter.
  • Largest Human Penis: The record for the largest living penis belongs to Jonah Falcon who has a 13.5 inch penis.
  • Largest Human Clitoris: In The Sexual Anatomy, W. Francis Benedict mentions a 12 inch clitoris.
  • Largest Human Vagina: Scottish giant, Anna Swan, and her giant husband had a giant baby that’s head was 19 inches, all of which fit through her vagina.

I don’t know about you but that’s just about all the trivia and facts about sex I’ll ever need.  It’s scary to think that most of what you just read is factual and many of these people are still alive, well, and active. This should take care of any future requests for odd sexual facts for a very long time.

06-12-2013   Leave a comment

Today I intended to further explore the use of the English language where names are concerned by talking about nicknames we humans insist on giving to our private parts.  The list of nicknames is endless but the main body parts targeted  normally for nicknames are the vagina, penis, and occasionally the breasts.  As a kid (age 7-11) and before my sex life truly existed my friends and I had already named our penises.  I have no idea why we did but it could have been as simple a reason as "because it was there".  Our fascination with our penises was intense at that age because if you must know it was the center of our young universe.  Unfortunately it still is.

Our little group of five perverts constantly discussed those things that were most important to us; our penises, girls, and that greatest mystery of all, sexual intercourse. We almost declared a national holiday when our buddy Frank reported at one of our private meetings in our secret hidden club house that he had what we later found out was his first orgasm.  He explained in great detail just what he’d done and how it felt.  We were all astounded by his description of the feelings he had but were somewhat confused by his report that nothing came out of his penis when he came.  We’d been told by the experts (our older friends) that there would be sperm. That discussion went on for another six months as were tried to figure out what Frank had done wrong. 

Eventually we were called to an emergency meeting at the clubhouse when Frank finally reported that some “white stuff” had finally appeared after he masturbated.  We did everything but declare him king of the effing world. We put him through the third degree until we were all satisfied he was giving us the absolute truth.

You should also know that during the next few months we were  all diligently practicing in the privacy of our homes trying to duplicate what Frank was reporting. Shortly after his report on the "white stuff" we as a group demanded he show us specifically how he did it.  We retired to his house and the five of us squeezed into his little bathroom where he began his demonstration.  He used a little soap on his hands and began to furiously masturbate.  He kept saying he was almost there as we waited patiently.  The mood was immediately broken when his mother threw the door open and caught him in the act and all of us watching.  Many of you can talk about your most awkward moments but this one was by far my worst.  My second worst moment was when I got home to find out that Frank’s mom had ratted us all out.  My mother was not happy.

Frank practically tore his penis off trying to put it away.  His poor mother was probably never quite the same again either.  Needless to say it took years before any of us could look her in the eye without turning a bright crimson.  We all learned two valuable lessons that fateful day. One, soap is our friend and two, lock the freaking door.

We learned never to do anymore sexual exploring at anyone’s home.  We confined our discussions and demonstrations to our club house where all of the best reading material (skin mags) was available for our use.  Later on as we grew more curious we invited one or two of the neighborhood girls to the club house for a few games of "show and tell".  There was no sexual activity just a very clinical study of their genitals and their study of ours.  It was around that time that my penis received his first nickname, I called him "Charlie".

I have to admit that years later after my sex life had been firmly established Charlie’s nicknames became much more interesting.  Charlie became confused at times because he was forced to suffer through a long list of really tacky names that he really didn’t care for. I never told any of my female sex partners that all of those silly name they insisted on calling him meant nothing to him or to me.  His real name was and always will be Charlie and all the sexual attention in the world from them and their vaginas could never change that.

I was thinking about listing a number of the more common genital nicknames in this posting but I thought this story would be more poignant and informative than a cold and unemotional list. Besides you men out there already know the most common nicknames currently in use. Unfortunately you women out there only think you know your man’s  actual name for his penis. 

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