Let’s start this post with a statement of obvious fact:
“Organic gardening is a lot of shit.”
Now we can move on to some humor for all of you card playing fanatics out there:
Mr. Jones had come home from a hard day of work and was appalled when his wife reminded him that they had arranged to visit a friend’s house for dinner and bridge. “I’m too tired to budge”, he protested. “It can’t be helped”, said Mrs. Jones, her eyes turning dangerous. So, Jones was forced to shower, change clothes, and drag himself off to the friend’s house. In the bridge game he was paired off with the hostess and then proceeded to play one lousy game after another, so that he and the hostess lost steadily. Finally, he got up and muttered, “I’ve got to go to the bathroom.” He didn’t bother to close the door of the bathroom, and the sound of water trickling into water was clear and distinct. Mrs. Jones, totally embarrassed said, “Please excuse my husband. He’s had a very hard day.” The hostess then said, “No need for excuses. I don’t mind. This is the first moment since we started playing bridge tonight that I knew what he had in his hand.”
Since I love history, here is an interesting backstory I thought I’d share with you:
George IV of Great Britain hated his wife with growing intensity, and she returned it with interest. There were prolonged and rather disgusting divorce proceedings between them, and the entire British nation took an emotional part in it. When Napoleon died at St. Helena in 1821, the news was immediately brought to George IV’s attention. “Our greatest enemy is dead”, he was told. “Oh, is she?”, smiled George.
And of course, here is the expected and gratuitous limerick:
I met a lewd nude in Bermuda,
Who thought she was shrewd, but I was shrewder.
She thought it quite crude
To be wooed in the nude.
I was cruder, pursued her, and eventually screwed’er
The internet has become famous for anonymous facts claiming to be true as well and out-and-out fake news and scams of all kinds. Here are ten facts that are surprising and amazingly TRUE.
More tickets were sold to see the movie Gone With the Wind in theaters than people living in America at its release.
John Lennon signed the official paperwork formalizing the split of the Beatles while staying at a Disney World hotel.
Yoda from the movie Star Wars, cookie monster from Sesame Street, and Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show were all voiced by the same person.
The leading role in the movie Forrest Gump was originally offered to John Travolta.
Leonardo DiCaprio didn’t draw the sketch of Kate Winslet in Titanic, but director James Cameron did.
Gene Roddenberry originally wanted Patrick Stewart to wear a wig for his iconic Star Trek role as Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
Stephen Spielberg submitted Schindler’s List as his final project for film school.
Brad Pitt’s first acting gig was dressing up as a giant chicken.
The NFL, NBA, and MLB have all had one player win the championship MVP while playing for the losing team.
Violet Jessop was the one passenger who was aboard both the Titanic and its sister ship the Britannic when they were sunk.
As the title suggests here are a few humorous stories and one gratuitous limerick. They’re all pearls of wisdom and I hope they help make you a little wiser. Here goes . . .
Once Yogi Berra, in his younger days, was in a batting slump. The manager felt this was because he was swinging at too many bad pitches. He therefore called Yogi to one side during a slow day in the schedule and gave him an intensive course in judging incoming baseball to determine whether they were outside the strike zone. Yogi’s batting promptly grew even worse, he said “It’s this judging of balls. I just can’t hit and think at the same time.”
And here’s a limerick for all of you aficionados:
To moralists, sex is a sin
Yet Nature suggests we begin.
She arranged it, no doubt,
That a fellow juts out
In the place where a damsel juts in.
🤣🤣🤣
A friend of mine was on a plane. It had achieved a high and steady flight and was set on autopilot. The pilot stretched, yawned, and said, “What I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job. “What the pilot didn’t know was that the public address system was still on, and his words were heard throughout the plane. A stewardess hurriedly ran forward to the cockpit to tell the pilot to shut off the PA system before he committed any further indiscretions. As she ran by, an elderly female passenger yelled out, “Don’t forget, honey. He wants coffee, too.”
Julius Caesar was once asked what kind of death was the best. He gave the best conceivable answer, for he said, “A sudden one.” Unfortunately for Caesar he was assassinated the next day – suddenly.
An irate woman once told Winston Churchill, when he was a young man and temporarily sporting a small mustache, “Young man, I like neither your politics nor your mustache.” To which Churchill replied, “Madam, you are not likely to come into contact with either.”
Since we’re celebrating “Hump Day”, here are a few truly twisted limericks to test your reading skills. Pick any one of these three and try to read it as fast as possible without tying your tongue in a knot. Doing that is probably just as difficult as it was for me trying to type these damn things. Have fun with it.
😉😉😉
Two witchy witches in a Wichita ditch,
One witch with a twitch caused the witches to switch,
The spell they were under,
Caused people to wonder,
Which Wichita witch switched was which?
😤😤😤
Frankly, Frank Fankley felt cranky,
Inside Frank Fankley’s frank was Hank’s hanky.
Hank’s hanky Frank got,
Filled with Hank’s hanky snot,
“It ain’t frankly swanky,” said Fankley, “NO THANK-Y!”
I’m a bit of a tech junkie and joined the computer revolution with full time internet in 1995. I love gadgets and computers and have spent a great deal of money attempting to keep up with tech companies and their constant upgrades. I started out with Windows 2.01, and it was all downhill from there. Every time I thought I was up-to-date Microsoft would introduce a new operating system that wasn’t quite compatible with all of my expensive software products. It’s been a vicious cycle for more than 25 years. Thanks a lot Microsoft for giving me day-long headaches when dealing with your manuals and Customer Service experts. Every time an upgrade was announced I lost a little more respect for those companies who didn’t seem to give a good shit about their consumers. But as with every retail company the users are ignored, the money is collected, and the BS continues to this day. Let me be a little disrespectful to all of those billionaire nerds and their sucky attitudes. Let’s start at the beginning . . .
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” Thomas Watson, chairman of the board, IBM, 1943
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” Popular mechanics, 1949
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” An engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corporation, 1972
“640K ought to be enough computer memory for anybody”. Bill Gates, Microsoft founder, 1981
“$100 million is way too much to pay for Microsoft.” Unidentified IBM executive, 1982
And these are the people and companies that have been making billions of dollars at our expense. It just goes to show, you needn’t be too smart to befuddle the citizenry in this country or any other.
Strange but true stories have always fascinated me. Some people call them coincidences and others call them serendipitous or synchronicity, but who really knows for sure. I certainly don’t. I’ve had a few weird things happen to me over the years which gave me pause since I’m really not a believer of things supernatural or coincidental. So, I thought I’d share three such stories that I stumbled upon a few years ago in a book entitled The Book of the Bizarre and I hope you enjoy them.
According to the Detroit Free Press, in February of 2007, in the Paw Paw Township of Michigan, two brothers were killed in a head-on collision with each other. The brothers, ages 24 and 33, shared a home. The elder brother lost control of his vehicle and crossed into the path of his brother’s oncoming car. They were both pronounced dead at the scene.
” Coincidence is Gods Way of Remaining Anonymous.” Albert Einstein
This second story also concerns a double fatality, but one taken to a whole new level.
In Germany in the late 1970’s, a story hit all the newspapers, television and radio stations – a story that contained one of the most tragic examples of synchronicity to date. A man was walking along a country road at night when a car struck him from behind and killed him. One year from the day he died, the man’s twin brother went for a walk at that same spot, in memory of his departed brother. As it turned out, the driver of the car that hit and killed the first man also had a twin brother. That twin brother decided to drive along that same road, in memory of his own departed brother. He hit and killed the second twin brother, re-creating a scene that has shocked everyone who has heard the story.
” In the magical universe there are no coincidences and there are no accidents.
Nothing happens unless someone wills it to happen.” William S. Burroughs
A man attempting to rob a convenience store in Cherry Hill, North Carolina, thwarted his own plans when he dropped the pistol he was brandishing. It hit the ground, went off, and the bullet stuck the robber in the foot.
I thought it was only right and necessary to congratulate the Jack Daniels company for their release of a new and excellent single malt, Jack Daniels American Whiskey. They’ve always had the best quality products and I’m looking forward to sipping some of this one. With that thought in mind, here are a few more interesting tidbits on whiskey to educate all of you silly wine and beer drinkers.
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Let’s start with a quote from Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw.
“I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea.”
*****
Here are a few facts about the company.
Approximately 2500 barrels are produced each day.
Jack Daniels is the only distiller in the world that makes barrels for its own products.
Tennessee’s Moore County, where the Jack Daniel’s distillery is located, has been a dry county since Prohibition, so you have to go to the next county to buy a bottle.
On the first Friday of every month, pay day, all employees at Jack Daniels, get a free bottle of Jack Daniels. It’s a guarantee that no one takes that day off.
*****
According to Margaret Thatcher’s private diet notes, in 1979, the soon-to-be Prime Minister only allowed herself to imbibe whiskey (and soda) “on days when meat was eaten. Otherwise, no alcohol.” Meat days were Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sundays.
*****
Errol Flynn
“I like my whiskey old and my women young.”
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Legend has it that the original Jack Daniels became so frustrated with his safe that he kicked it and shattered his left big toe. He got gangrene and the toe was surgically removed, followed by his foot, then his leg. He died six years later from complications from the original infection.
It’s obvious he didn’t make proper use of “the water of life”.
*****
Whiskey, like a beautiful woman, demands appreciation!
I seem to be on a sports mission this week even though I’m not a devoted sports fan. Fortunately, or unfortunately I have a family member who is a professional sports analyst and as I watch him a lot of sports information and misinformation has made its way into my brain. I then decided to look for some of the more obscure and interesting facts about baseball that you may never have heard before. I think you’ll find them interesting.
Abner Doubleday
Though a U. S. Army officer, Abner Doubleday, is generally hailed as having invented baseball at Cooperstown, New York, in 1839. Games called baseball, embodying the idea of hitting a ball and running bases were mentioned in English publications as early as 1744 and later in America 14 years before the Declaration of Independence.
During the baseball rivalries between the two major leagues in the 1890’s, the Pittsburgh Nationals, taking advantage of a technicality, signed a player from another club. For that reason, the Nationals president, J. Palmer O’Neill, and his club later became known as the Pittsburgh Pirates
Hugh L. Daily
Between 1882 and 1887, Hugh L. Daily played second base, shortstop, and pitched for several major league baseball teams. As a pitcher, he won 74 games, including a no-hitter, and he registered a long-standing record of striking out 19 batters in a game. Not bad for a man with only one arm.
The first formal rules for playing baseball required the winning team to score 21 runs.
Hoyt Wilhelm
The famous knuckleball baseball pitcher Hoyt Wilhelm hit a homerun in his very first time at bat in the major leagues, and never hit another in more than 400 times at bat in a 20-year career. In his second season, he hit a triple and never had another, and two doubles and hit only one more of them. His career batting average was .088.
Ty Cobb
Ty Cobb, of the Detroit Tigers played slightly more than a score of baseball seasons in the American League. He banged out 4,191 hits and posted a lifetime batting average of .367.
To boost attendance, the St. Louis Browns of the American League signed up a midget in the 1951 season. Eddie Gaedel was 3’7″ tall and wore uniform number 1/8th. He went to bat only once, in a game against the Detroit Tigers, and walked on four pitches. Midgets are now banned by the major leagues.
Babe Ruth
For 62 years, baseball’s greatest slugger, Babe Ruth, alone held the record (nine) for pitching the most one-season shutouts in the American League. In 1978 he became the co-holder, with Ron Guidry, of the record.
Growing up I was expected to play as much sports as possible by my ever so athletic father. I completed one year of varsity basketball which I absolutely hated and two years of football which ended with my being unconscious on the sidelines after being drilled by a rather large and muscular defensive player. Baseball was always my main thing, and I began playing at seven years of age and played until I went off to college. Unfortunately for me the college I attended had no baseball team and that really pissed me off as well. I had many coaches throughout the years and was required to sit and listen to endless “pep talks” prior to our games and endless criticisms if and when we lost. There were only one or two coaches who actually took the time to create and deliver a pep talk that accomplished what they wanted. A few others believed in blatant terrorism and threats to help motivate us to a victory. Today’s post is a short story about some real coaches with real methods that showed real results.
⚾⚾⚾ 🏈🏈🏈
Coaches use all kinds of psychology to lift the spirits of their players. Notre Dame football coach Knute Rockne once refused to sit with his team in the second half of a game. He sat up in the stands, which got the team so fired up they went out onto the field and wonthe game.
One of the most unusual pep talks was delivered by coach Dana X. Bible during the Indiana-Nebraska football game of 1936. Nebraska was losing, 9-0, at halftime. Coach Bible looked scornfully around the dressing room and berated the players unmercifully. “You don’t have the desire to win!” he thundered. “You don’t have the courage to fight back!” Then he said, “The first eleven players who go out that door will start the second half and the rest of you will sit on the bench.” Immediately, the fired-up team jumped to their feet trying to quickly reach the door. But Bible got there first and barred the way. “That’s not good enough,” he snarled. “You’re not ready to win.” A slugging match followed with teammates who really liked each other pushing and shoving, and then scrambling for the door. It became a free-for-all but finally, eleven players managed to squirm through. Bible immediately put those eleven on the field and they beat Indiana 14-9.
To those of you who were alive in the 1960’s, you know what a strange time it was not only for the country but for each of us individually. Free love, drugs, rock & roll, and anti-war fever made for interesting relationships and all the craziness you could possibly handle. I have to say I enjoyed the hell out of it. With that in mind I’m offering up a few limericks from the early sixties that you might find interesting. Put on your bell-bottoms and roll up a “J” and enjoy.
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