Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away I was required to work eight hours a day, 40 hours a week, with insurance companies. Truthfully it wasn’t much fun and after talking to literally hundreds of insurance company employees, they agreed. I was forced to read hundreds of accident reports and then pass them on to the insurance carriers. Some information contained in those reports was incredible to say the least. The following list of quotations is taken from actual submitted insurance claims concerning automobile accidents. You can read them, take your time, and try to figure out exactly what they mean. Here we go . . .
“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.”
“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have. The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.”
“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”
“I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.”
“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”
“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”
“The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him.”
“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”
“The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.”
“I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.”
“The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.”
“I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.”
I give thanks everyday that I know longer have to deal with this nonsense. The only thing worse than dealing with insurance companies is dealing with their customers.
As I’ve stated so many times in the past, “an unexamined life isn’t worth living”. With that in mind I’m offerring up these twenty questions. There are no right or wrong answers and no scoring of any kind. This isn’t a test but a chance to help you examine yourself. I’m going to answer them as truthfully as I can. I hope you’ll take a few minutes by yourself or with your partner or spouse and answer them together. It should prompt some interesting discussions. Enjoy . . .
1. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be?
A. The ability to speak every language in the world.
2. If you knew there would be a nuclear war in one week, what would you do?
A. I’d take my better-half, my cat, and a couple of cases of good wine and spend the week camping in the mountains.
3. Would you have one of your fingers surgically removed if it’s somehow guaranteed immunity from all major diseases?
A. No way in hell.
4. How do you picture your funeral? Is it important to you to have people mourn your death?
A. Cremate me, throw my ashes in the ocean, and move on with your lives. No special anything.
5. If you could take a 1-month trip anywhere in the world and money were not a consideration, where would you go and what would you do?
A. I’d fly to Easter Island to take photographs and meet the people.
6. If your friends and acquaintances we’re willing to bluntly and honestly tell you what they really thought of you, would you want them to?
A. Yes and I would do the same for them if requested.
7. You believe in any sort of God? If not, you think you might still pray if you were in a life-threatening situation?
A. I’ve been in life threatening situations and there was no praying of any kind going on. If there is a God (which I doubt) he didn’t seem the least bit interested.
8. Assuming that complete recovery were instantaneous, would you be willing to accept a year of complete paralysis below the neck to prevent the otherwise certain extinction of the blue whale?
A. No way, there’s an easier solution. Kill all the damn whale hunters.
9. Would you like to know the precise date of your death?
A. No way, I just love surprises.
10. Someone you loved deeply is brutally murdered and you know the identity of the murderer, who unfortunately is acquitted of the crime. Would you seek revenge?
A. Yes and it would be done intelligently and be undetectable.
11. If there were a public execution on television, would you watch it?
A. No, look how well that sort of thing worked out for the Romans.
12. How many times during the day do you look at yourself in a mirror?
A. As few times as possible. I no longer impress myself much.
13. Would you prefer to be blind or deaf?
A. Deaf, it would be a blessing not to listen to the constant drumbeat of noise from the rest of the planet.
14. How old were you when you first had sexual intercourse?
A. Age 13 and it was wonderful.
15. You are given $1,000,000 to donate anonymously to charity or to a stranger. How would you dispose of it?
A. $750,000 to the Wounded Warrior Project and the remainder to the ASPCA’s no-kill shelters.
16. How much do you like your body? You awoke alone on a warm morning and we’re going to laze about the house, how long would you wait to get dressed? What do you wear when you sleep?
A. I probably wouldn’t get dressed until at least 11 a.m. I always sleep in the nude whenever possible and will till the day Idie.
17. Would you be willing to eat a bowl of live crickets for $40,000?
A. Hell no that’s disgusting but I might reconsider for $50,000.
18. Can you urinate in front of another person?
A. Many times and in many places.
19. Would you be willing to go to a slaughterhouse and kill a cow?
A. I’m a meat eater not a meat killer. We have specialists to handle that.
20. Would you be willing to murder an innocent person if it would end hunger in the world?
A. Absolutely not.
Those were my honest answers and it wasn’t as bad an experience as I thought it might be. The straight-up truth is always easier than trying to prevaricate or exaggerate.
It’s been ten years this month that Andy Rooney passed away. I’ve been thinking for a few days on exactly how I wanted to memorialize him. A standard review of his resume doesn’t do him justice. I wanted to thank him more than anything for the interesting insights he gave me while sitting and enjoying his essays.
I was never a big fan of 60 Minutes from the start because I felt at times they were dishonest and biased despite what they claimed. I can count on one hand how many of their shows I actually watched in their entirety. That being said, I tried never to miss an Andy Rooney segment if at all possible. He brought to the table many years of experience which helped make him special. His downright honesty was the first thing I noticed and appreciated. He spoke of things as he saw them and didn’t tolerate biases and prejudices and all the other crap the majority of journalists do. I’ve always felt that he, like Jerry Seinfeld, had that special view of things along with an excellent means of communicating them to millions of people with humor and honesty.
If the three of us were in a room together that was full of stacks of old books here’s what would happen. Seinfeld would write a 30 minute long TV episode about how people stacked books. I would attempt to explain how certain book stackers irritated me. Andy would take certain information from some of those books and weave a five-minute story that would make you laugh and capture your imagination at the same time. He had a knack!
I’ve missed him a lot over the years but I’ll never forget the pleasurable moments he gave me every Sunday night. Shalom and Aloha Andy and thanks again.
I thought I would spend some time today dragging you back to the reality that was the 1960’s. I’ve written this story one other time many years ago but I think it never hurts to repeat something that makes me smile. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did at the time.
Let me take you back to the 1960s when life was good, drugs were plentiful, and love was free (as we all know it’s never free). I was a struggling Art major attending a small midwestern school with my fair share of financial difficulties as most college students have. I was forced to take jobs that I hated but sometimes you just have no choice in the matter. I was a busboy in the college cafeteria during my freshman year which was quite possibly the most demeaning job I’ve ever had. It was awash with benefits like the $1.50 an hour I was making and the incredible amount of crap I had to take from my fellow students. I decided a short time later that I’d never bus tables again, resigned my position, and walked away.
By walking away it made my financial situation a bit more difficult forcing me to scramble to find some kind of work to pay my bills. Where do you go in a case like that, the student billboard of course. As I was perusing through the tons of nonsense hanging on that billboard I found a small note with only three words on it and a telephone number, NUDE MODEL WANTED. I put the note in my pocket and returned to my dorm room to give it more thought. An hour or so later I finally called the number and surprise, surprise, it was one of my professors home telephone number. In those days $10 an hour was a lot of money but the consequences of modeling nude were numerous. He assured me I wouldn’t be required to model for my own classmates but I knew that being in such a small school the word would get out quickly enough. For about a week I weighed the pros and cons of sitting nude before numerous art classes and finally made the fatal telephone call and accepted the job.
You have to understand something, I was at that time in my life extremely shy and my self-esteem had yet to be developed to its present fantastic levels. My instructions were as follows; sit unmoving for one to two hours a session (10 min. break per hour), make no unnecessary facial expressions, no acknowledgment of friends, and TO BE TOTALLY FREAKING NAKED. I must’ve been out of my mind.
Not Me Either!
Day one started in front of the mirror in my dorm room checking my body for unnecessary hair in odd places and zits no matter where they were. There was only so much I can do because “what you see is what you get”, so I made my way to the Art building for my debut. I stood in the hallway, removed my robe and pranced (I could’ve used a better word here) naked into the room. Unfortunately as I looked around I knew damn near everyone. All of my so-called friends and classmates decided they would show their moral support by attending. The hooting and catcalls only lasted for a few minutes until the instructor quieted things down. He was grinning and enjoying himself like everyone else. As I told them all the next day and as I’m telling you now, “it was a VERY, VERY cold room”. I was able to ignore all the laughter, lewd comments, and the snickering but I managed to survive.
Over the next three months I modeled for probably 500 students and I soon became quite popular in the artist community. I had more dates than I can handle and my dance card was always filled on the weekends. Is there a moral to this story? I really can’t say. Getting naked in front of strangers was difficult but the money was good and kept my head above water for that school year. I got naked many times over the years since but only in special one-on-one situations with female friends where I immediately waived my fee.
Are you old? Let me rephrase that. Do you think you’re old? That’s the question everyone knows is coming but nobody wants to deal with. Unfortunately most people who are old know it but again refuse to deal with the reality. Some people just can’t get past the fact that there isn’t one damn thing they can do to combat it. Plastic surgery works for some but eventually you’ll end up looking like a really silly cartoon character. Many have paid for a new young face, fake hair, fake boobs, butt implants, and still insist on wearing old people clothing. Old folks never quite get the hang of dressing properly because they keep sliding “fashion backward” to a time when they were young. They mistakenly think it still looks cool.
Well I’m not complaining about any of those things just willing to pass along some others you should be looking for if you’re worried about getting old. I’m old, I know I’m old, and I went through this list myself just for laughs. I’m not laughing now. In my head I’m thirty years old but this list kicked my elderly ass. If you are experiencing 50% of the things on this list you ARE really old. Have fun . . .
Your kids are becoming you and you don’t like them very much.
Going out is okay but coming home is better.
You forget names but it’s okay since no one remembers you either.
Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.
The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.
You spend a good deal of your day looking for things you hid so you wouldn’t lose them.
You can’t use more four letter words i.e. what?, when?, and where?
You notice everything sold in stores is “sleeveless”.
What used to be freckles are now age spots.
You constantly call your children and grandchildren for help with your computer.
You have three sizes of clothing in your closet (fat, fatter, and fattest) two of which you will never wear again.
You find yourself spending a great deal of time trying to have conversations with Alexa.
All of your favorite songs are now only heard in TV commercials.
You find yourself trying to remember what stories you told one person.
You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch.
Well how have you fared? Now that you’ve received a second opinion verifying what you already knew, welcome to old age. I’ve been here for a while waiting for all of you to arrive. Just between us, in a few days you won’t remember any of this anyway. I have to go now, it’s 3:30 PM and time for dinner at the IHOP. There’s a 10% discount for old farts so don’t forget your mask and your AARP membership card.
Life to me is nothing more than a series of connections of actions and words between individuals. What I do or say on any given day has some effect on others. They in turn take actions and say things prompted by what I’ve said or done. Therefore my actions and words will ripple through great numbers of people allowing me the ability to indirectly create change. That’s one of the many reasons I enjoy blogging. On most days the majority of citizens feel disenfranchised by the system because they believe they cannot effect change. Many people fear change but I don’t. I’ll keep writing and voicing my opinions and they will be read by others, not just in the United States, but worldwide. My records indicate that the things I’ve written have been read in over eighty countries. It’s the best solution I can offer as I try to effect change. What blogs offer is considerably more interesting than what Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram are supplying us with. Find some blogs you can relate to and get involved.
“When you’re safe at home you wish you were having an adventure; when you’re having an adventure you wish you were home.” – Thornton Wilder
“You cannot change anyone, but you can be the reason someone changes.” – Roy T. Bennett
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu
“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.” – John F. Kennedy
“Take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills so that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style, the sharpness, the clarity, and the emotions to affect other people. – Jim Rohn
“You can’t just keep doing what works one time, everything around you is changing. To succeed, stay out in front of change.” – Sam Walton (Walmart)
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” – Leo Tolstoy
I honestly try to avoid getting into political discussions and arguments with people because any fool knows it’s a waste of time. As I’ve always explained, I don’t have a lot of good things to say about any politician whether they be Democrats or Republicans. I think the system has the ability to corrupt even the most honest elected official once they been in office for a period of time. As a lover of history I constantly fall back on the words and opinions of past politicians who practiced their politics in a different way than these modern magicians.
Today I think it’s time that we hear from some of those experts on exactly what a politician is or should be. These quotes, no matter how old, still retain a great deal of truth about the human condition both good and evil and how they operate within their political reality.
“Politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.” Charles De Gaulle 1961
Anonymous: Do you pray for the Senators, Dr. Hale? Hale:” No, I look at the Senators and pray for the country.” Edward Everett Hale 1964, Senate Chaplain
“If ever this free people – if this Government itself is ever utterly demoralized, it will come from this human wriggle and struggle for office – a way to live without work; from which nature I am not free myself.” Abraham Lincoln 1865
“Politicians who vote huge expenditures to alleviate problems get reelected; those who propose structural changes to prevent problems get early-retirement.” John McClaughry 1978
“A politician should have three hats: one for throwing in the ring, one for talking through, and one for pulling rabbits out of if elected.” Carl Sandburg (1878-1967)
Welcome to the Every Useless Thing discussion on up-and-coming younger generations. It’s obvious that the older generations are responsible for the various nicknames to the younger generations i.e. Greatest Generation, Silent Generation, Baby Boomers, Gen X, Gen Y (Millennials), Gen Z, and the internet generation. Of course they never name themselves because that’s the job of the next generation to take care of. It’s all so silly. That’s why a history lesson is in order. Here we go . . .
I remember as a child being told by my parents that the younger generation (including me) were screwed up, uncaring, and unthinking. I took great offense to that and it just motivated me to rebel at every opportunity much to their chagrin. Jump ahead thirty-five years and I actually heard myself saying the same kinds of things during one of my angry moments in dealing with my son. Soon after that conversation I was having a coffee at a local café (pre-pandemic) and I just started chuckling to myself. The more I thought about the conversation with my son the funnier it became because it’s not often I’m able to recognize an epiphany when I have one.
I read quite a bit and the diversity of my subject matter is what makes it so much fun. The following quotation was in a recent book I read and as soon as I saw it I began chuckling again. Even 5000 years ago the adults were saying the same damn things about their younger generations and it keeps me optimistic about the generations to come. Also having a close relationship with a few of the younger generation keeps me on my toes and aware of their thoughts, ideas, and approaches to us grown-ups. Broad brushing a group of individuals is foolish and should be avoided at all costs.
A tablet from ancient Assyria, from about 2800 B.C., has been found that states: “Our earth is degenerate in these latter days. There are signs that the world is speedily coming to an end. Bribery and corruption are common.”
More than 2000 years later, Socrates complained, “Children are now tyrants . . .They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize over their teachers.”
And Plato also wrote of his students: ” What is happening to our young people? They riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions, their morals are decaying, what is to become of them?”
If reading that doesn’t make you chuckle just a little then you’ve got a problem. It gives me a great deal of comfort to think that the grown-ups then were moaning and complaining just like we do now and how the next generation will be moaning and complaining about us.
I realize how many of you absolutely adore and idolize celebrities and some politicians. I will admit that not all of them are objectionable but as with any group of people there’s a certain percentage that give them all a bad name. I thought I’d start off first with five presidents that were arrested and convicted of crimes of one sort or another. See if you can match up the arrest with the appropriate photograph. Not as hard as you might think but if nothing else it makes them a little more human.
NAME THAT PRESIDENT
President Ulysses S. Grant was once arrested for speeding and his horse and carriage were impounded. He paid in a $20 fine and then walked back to the White House.
President Thomas Jefferson and President-To-Be James Madison were once arrested by an overeager police officer in Vermont in the spring of 1791, for carriage riding on a Sunday.
Then there’s “Tricky Dicky” Nixon of Watergate fame. The first and only president to be forced to resign from office because of his misdeeds and terrible judgment. Fortunately for him Pres. Gerald Ford officially pardoned him.
President Franklin Pierce was arrested in 1853 for running over an old lady.
Now that you’ve completed the presidential quiz, next comes some really out of control celebrities. Some of these photos are old but most are relatively current. Without cheating, name as many as you can without doing research on-line and then send me your total on a comment. I thought they were fairly easy so it shouldn’t be all that tough. It’s fun to see them without all the makeup and expensive clothes and having “regular folks” problems.
CELEBRITY MUG SHOTS
NAME YOUR FAVORITE CELEB
Nick Nolte, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Gary Bussey, Paris Hilton, Robert Downey Jr.,
Jane Fonda, Mike Tyson, Yasmine Bleeth, Macaulay Culkin, Kloe Kardashian, Heather Locklear
Here’s the third list of stupid quotes as promised. I wouldn’t want the celebrities to feel left out. Regardless of what they say, they love any and all attention they can get. We should be soooooo proud.
“When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crackhead with no shoes under a bridge. You never think that is going to be you. And it never was me. I was never under a bridge, and I always had shoes.” – Nicole Richie
“I want to go to Egypt and Japan and opened orphanages… a chain of them.” – Lindsay Lohan
“I have started smiling! I’ve mastered this smirk; it’s a smile that isn’t a smile.” – Victoria Beckham
“To have your niece die in your arms is the greatest gift from god.” – Celine Dion
“Sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered.” – Jake Gyllenhaal
“I felt like my vote was the vote that put [Obama] into office. It was down to one vote, and that was going to be my vote. And that may not be true, but that’s how much power it felt like I had.” – P Diddy
“There are many other kinds of milk available. Why don’t we try drinking rats’ milk and dogs’ milk?” – Heather Mills
“I’m not a sexual person, really. I don’t really care about sex.” – Paris Hilton
“It’s so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day.” – Lady Victoria Hervey
“If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.” – Cyndi Lauper
“I always wanted to be a hairdresser.” – David Beckham
“I’ve always wanted to be a spy, and frankly I’m a little surprised that British intelligence has never approached me.” – Liz Hurley
“There’s the perception Danni Minogue is the sweetest little thing in the world but she’s not… she’s got balls of steel.” – Sharon Osborne
“I’ve been up and down so many times that I feel as if I’m in a revolving door.” – Cher
“How the fuck am I supposed to get in then?” – Kate Moss, on being told that the only available toilet on a photoshoot location had no door.
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