“The meaning of good and bad . . . is simply helping or hurting.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Joke of the Day
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: Man: “What’s up with the jar?” Bartender: “Well you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, then you get all of the money.” Man: “What are the three tests?” Bartender: “Pay first. Those are the rules.” So, the guy gives him the $10 and the bartender adds it to the jar. Bartender: “Okay, here’s what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole fifth of pepper tequila – the WHOLE thing all at once. Second, there’s a pit-bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Thirdly, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You’ve got to make things right for her too.” Man: “Well, I know I’ve paid my ten bucks I’m not an idiot. I won’t do it. You’d have to be nuts to drink a fifth of tequila and then get crazier from there.” Bartender: “Okay. But your money stays in the jar.” Well, as the night goes on and the man drinks a few more, he asks: “Wherez zat teeqeela”? He grabs the tequila with both hands and downs it with one big slurp, tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside the bar here a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps, and growling, then eventual silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. “NOW,” he says, “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?
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Limerick of the Day
For sculpture that’s really first-class,
You need form, composition and mass.
To do a good Venus,
Just leave off the penis,
And concentrate more on the ass!
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Joke of the Day #2
A rather stupid young girl called up her druggist and ask him what she could do to help her boyfriend with his terrible dandruff problem. The druggist recommended Head & Shoulders. A week later the young lady called the druggist in a panic and asked, “How do you give someone shoulders”?
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EXPERIENCE ENABLES YOU TO RECOGNIZE A MISTAKE WHEN YOU MAKE IT AGAIN
There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual pleasantries she began to undress for the day’s work. He told her not to bother because he was feeling pretty bad with the flu he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home, he only wanted some hot tea and then to get some rest in bed. The model said, “Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It’s the least I can do.” He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup, too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. “Oh my God!” he whispered loudly. “It’s my wife. Quick, take all your clothes off.”
Joke of the Day #2
A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical examination. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow-up visit the doctor talked to the old man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” The old man replied, “Just doing what you said, doctor: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you’ve got a heart murmur and be careful.”
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Limerick of the Day
A worried young man from Istanbul
Discovered large red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
“Get out of my clinic!
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool”
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What’s Grosser Than Gross
When a cheerleader jumps high into the air and lands in a split.
I’ve been blogging now for more than fourteen years, and I’ve tried to be as interesting as possible as I spread as much useless informationthat I could find to as many readers as possible. Initially I spent my first four years writing a political blog that was interesting, but all of the lame and badly written death threats from either side of the aisle convinced that I was wasting my time. Since the changeover to a more easy-going and friendly blog, blogging has returned to being fun. Now it’s time for another sidestep from my normal routine to an even friendlier and more fun format. “HUMOR”. It’s probably one of the few areas that almost everyone can enjoy whether it’s from jokes (both clean or dirty), limericks (both clean or dirty), humorous trivia, or any other means to help you grin, smile, laugh, and lighten your day. I’ll give it a go for the remainder of this year with the hope it will keep you coming back for more.
“Joke of the Day”
A farmer sent his 15-year-old son into town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck. “See if you can get a girl in exchange for this,” he said. The lad met a prostitute along the way and said, “It’s my birthday and all I’ve got is this duck. Would you be willing to fuck? “Sure,” she said, “I’m sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I’ve never owned a duck.” Afterwards, she said, “Do you know for a 15-year-old boy, you’re quite a good lay. If you’d like to do it again, I’ll give you back your duck.” “Sure,” said the boy. When his pleasurable work was through, he left the village to return home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt so sorry for the boy and gave him two dollars. When he got home, his father asked, “How did you make out?” The son said, “I got a duck, a fuck, a duck for a fuck, and two dollars for a duck.”
In keeping with the new format here is the “Limerick of the Day” which should pay homage to a former lecherous President and his BFF:
Many years ago, I started this blog, and I chose its name very carefully. I fully intended then and still continue now to supply all of you with as much useless information as I can possibly find. Today I’d like to test the trivia knowledge of all of you fans of celebrities and Hollywood. This information was gleaned from a long-lost trivia book I stumbled upon in an old trunk I’ve had in storage for years. The first printing of this book was in February of 1975 at a total cost per copy of $1.25. I consider myself a trivia aficionado but the answers to these retro-Hollywood questions left me clueless. Maybe you’ll have more luck.
Name one of the two actresses who starred as the singing and dancing Dolly Sisters in the 1945 movie of that title? Betty Grabel was Jenny and June Haver was Rosie
What comedian appears in “Whistling in Brooklyn,” “The Fuller Brush Man,” and “Susan Slept Here”? Red Skelton
What does W. C. Fields give away in the comedy film “The Pharmacist”? Large vases.
What was cowboy sidekick George (Gabby) Hayes known as when he appeared with Bill Boyd in the Hopalong Cassidy movie series? “Windy”
What is Shirley Temple’s middle name? Jane
What is the title of the movie in which Charlie Chaplin falls in love with a blind flower girl? “City Lights”
Who portrays the “Invisible Man” in the 1933 movie of that title, and what is his occupation? Claude Rains played the role of a mad scientist named Griffin.
In the original MGM movie “The Champ” tells the story of an old prizefighter and his young son. Name the actors who played the two roles. Wallace Beery and Jackie Cooper, respectively.
During World War I, Humphrey Bogart served in the U.S. Navy. His ship was shelled, and this caused what to happen to him physically? It caused his upper lip to be partially paralyzed, resulting in a tightly set mouth and a lisp.
What longtime star, whose career began in 1925, was actually named Billie Cassin and was also known on the stage as Lucile LeSueur? Joan Crawford
I tend to look for publications containing limericks and I like them funny, silly, bawdy, and outright outrageous. Many of my readers constantly complain that my selections are too tame. They want lots of sexual content and even go so far as to complain about my selections of children’s limericks. I enjoy posting the more innocent lyrics from kids with the hope they will someday grow up and write some truly memorable and bawdy poetry. Someone has to assist the next generation in their endeavors, and I have gladly volunteered. Here are a few you can sample . . .
I thought it was only right and necessary to congratulate the Jack Daniels company for their release of a new and excellent single malt, Jack Daniels American Whiskey. They’ve always had the best quality products and I’m looking forward to sipping some of this one. With that thought in mind, here are a few more interesting tidbits on whiskey to educate all of you silly wine and beer drinkers.
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Let’s start with a quote from Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw.
“I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea.”
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Here are a few facts about the company.
Approximately 2500 barrels are produced each day.
Jack Daniels is the only distiller in the world that makes barrels for its own products.
Tennessee’s Moore County, where the Jack Daniel’s distillery is located, has been a dry county since Prohibition, so you have to go to the next county to buy a bottle.
On the first Friday of every month, pay day, all employees at Jack Daniels, get a free bottle of Jack Daniels. It’s a guarantee that no one takes that day off.
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According to Margaret Thatcher’s private diet notes, in 1979, the soon-to-be Prime Minister only allowed herself to imbibe whiskey (and soda) “on days when meat was eaten. Otherwise, no alcohol.” Meat days were Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sundays.
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Errol Flynn
“I like my whiskey old and my women young.”
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Legend has it that the original Jack Daniels became so frustrated with his safe that he kicked it and shattered his left big toe. He got gangrene and the toe was surgically removed, followed by his foot, then his leg. He died six years later from complications from the original infection.
It’s obvious he didn’t make proper use of “the water of life”.
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Whiskey, like a beautiful woman, demands appreciation!
I seem to be on a sports mission this week even though I’m not a devoted sports fan. Fortunately, or unfortunately I have a family member who is a professional sports analyst and as I watch him a lot of sports information and misinformation has made its way into my brain. I then decided to look for some of the more obscure and interesting facts about baseball that you may never have heard before. I think you’ll find them interesting.
Abner Doubleday
Though a U. S. Army officer, Abner Doubleday, is generally hailed as having invented baseball at Cooperstown, New York, in 1839. Games called baseball, embodying the idea of hitting a ball and running bases were mentioned in English publications as early as 1744 and later in America 14 years before the Declaration of Independence.
During the baseball rivalries between the two major leagues in the 1890’s, the Pittsburgh Nationals, taking advantage of a technicality, signed a player from another club. For that reason, the Nationals president, J. Palmer O’Neill, and his club later became known as the Pittsburgh Pirates
Hugh L. Daily
Between 1882 and 1887, Hugh L. Daily played second base, shortstop, and pitched for several major league baseball teams. As a pitcher, he won 74 games, including a no-hitter, and he registered a long-standing record of striking out 19 batters in a game. Not bad for a man with only one arm.
The first formal rules for playing baseball required the winning team to score 21 runs.
Hoyt Wilhelm
The famous knuckleball baseball pitcher Hoyt Wilhelm hit a homerun in his very first time at bat in the major leagues, and never hit another in more than 400 times at bat in a 20-year career. In his second season, he hit a triple and never had another, and two doubles and hit only one more of them. His career batting average was .088.
Ty Cobb
Ty Cobb, of the Detroit Tigers played slightly more than a score of baseball seasons in the American League. He banged out 4,191 hits and posted a lifetime batting average of .367.
To boost attendance, the St. Louis Browns of the American League signed up a midget in the 1951 season. Eddie Gaedel was 3’7″ tall and wore uniform number 1/8th. He went to bat only once, in a game against the Detroit Tigers, and walked on four pitches. Midgets are now banned by the major leagues.
Babe Ruth
For 62 years, baseball’s greatest slugger, Babe Ruth, alone held the record (nine) for pitching the most one-season shutouts in the American League. In 1978 he became the co-holder, with Ron Guidry, of the record.
To those of you who were alive in the 1960’s, you know what a strange time it was not only for the country but for each of us individually. Free love, drugs, rock & roll, and anti-war fever made for interesting relationships and all the craziness you could possibly handle. I have to say I enjoyed the hell out of it. With that in mind I’m offering up a few limericks from the early sixties that you might find interesting. Put on your bell-bottoms and roll up a “J” and enjoy.
I have upon occasion been called a sarcastic smartass. Truth be told, I’ve been called that on many occasions by many people and I wear that mantle with pride. It probably will explain this post that concerns two of my all-time favorite people, Oscar Wilde and Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain), two of the most famous smartasses in the world. History calls them humorists, rascals, and intellectuals but that’s just history being kind. They took biting humor and sarcasm to new levels and did it in such a way as to make people love and respect them. Fortunately, I don’t have to worry about that. Here’s a little personal information on Oscar with a collection of his quotes.
Oscar Fingal O’Flaherty Wills Wilde (16 October 1854 – 30 November 1900) was an Irish poet and playwright. After writing in different forms throughout the 1880s, he became one of the most popular playwrights in London in the early 1890s.
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
“If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.”
“It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it.”
“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.”
“You can never be overdressed or overeducated.”
“Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”
Now for a little taste of Mark Twain. He was a good old down-home boy who had the ability to make politicians shiver in their boots and the rest of us to laugh at his humorous way of seeing things.
Samuel Langhorne Clemens (November 30, 1835 – April 21, 1910), best known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American writer, humorist, entrepreneur, publisher, and lecturer. He was praised as the “greatest humorist the United States has produced”. Here a a few pearls of wisdom from Mark.
“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”
“A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.”
“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”
“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”
“Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.”
“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.”
Back in my college days when I thought I knew everything but really didn’t, I had a professor once ask me what person living or dead would I like to sit down and have a meaningful conversation with. I can’t remember my answer but I’m sure it was stupid and meaningless because at that time I was totally clueless. If I could communicate with him now these two gentlemen would be my first and second choices. Better yet, I’d love to have them both sitting with me in a corner of a dark quiet pub sharing a bottle of brandy or bourbon and puffing on a cigar to discuss the state of the world or anything else they’d like to tell me.
I’m a bit of a history lover but that usually involves old history like the Romans, Egyptians, and the Greeks. Today I thought I’d go into the past back to 1940. That’s well before my time and I’m pretty sure there aren’t many people left who were born in 1940. I’m also sure you’ve heard many people say it was always better back in “the good old days.”, so let’s find out.
The top three radio shows of 1940 were The Adventures of Ellery Queen, Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy, and Fibber McGee and Molly. I wonder if they were appreciated by their audience as much as some of the TV shows are today.
1940 was also the first and only year for the production of the Mercury 8, a new model car. Also available was the Chevrolet Special Deluxe Sport Sedan, the new Ford V-8, and the Buick Super Model 51 Four-Door Sedan.
It was the year of the World’s Fair held at Flushing Meadows-Corona Park in New York and was the largest world’s fair at that time.
Because of the war there were shortages of many things but one of the first new items to return to the stores was a new product, nylon stockings. They went on sale for the first time on May 15, 1940.
The 1940 college football season ended with the University of Minnesota Golden Gophers being named the national champions and Stanford in second place. The Heisman Trophy winner was Michigan halfback Tom Harmon. In the National Football League, the Chicago Bears defeated the Washington Redskins 73-0 in one of the most one-sided games in professional football history.
Here some facts and figures of 1940. The president of the United States was Franklin D. Roosevelt, and the vice president was John Nance Garner. The population of the United States was 132,122,000, and the average salary for a full-time employee was $1200. per year. The minimum wage per hour was $.30.
On May 15, 1940, the first McDonald’s restaurant is opened in San Bernardino, California by brothers Dick and Mac McDonald.
On January 31, 1940, Ida M. Fuller became the first American citizen to receive a Social Security check. Her first check was for $22.54.
On January 17, 1940, Eleanor Roosevelt publicly endorsed birth control in a statement that she was not against the “planning of children”.
Now let’s get down to the important stuff. Here are the average costs for many of their everyday foodstuffs and we can only wish to have these prices back again. A loaf of bread was $.08, a pound of bacon was $.27, a dozen eggs was $.33, a gallon of milk was $.26, 1 pound of coffee was $.21, gasoline was $.11 per gallon, postage stamps were .03, the average car cost was $990.00, and a single-family home averaged just $2938.00.
