Being a lover of baseball, I enjoy every facet of the game. That includes some of the craziest and outrageous quotes when these superstars and broadcasters step up to the microphone. Yogi Berra was made famous by his confusing and hilarious quips, but he isn’t alone. Here are a few quotes that will make you smile a little and hopefully laugh out loud a lot.
“Well, I see in the game in Minnesota thar Terry Felton has relieved himself on the mound in the second inning.” Fred White, sportscaster for the Kansas City Royals
Folks, this is perfect weather for today’s game. Not a breath of fresh air. Curt Gowdy, sportscaster
All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they took that and blew it all out of proportion. Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher
If Jesus were on the field, he’d be pitching inside and breaking up double plays. He’d be high fiving the other guys. Tim Burke, Montral Expo pitcher
I am throwing twice as hard as I ever did. It’s just not getting there as fast. Lefty Gomez, NY Yankee pitcher
I prefer fast food. Rocky Bridges, infielder, when asked why he wouldn’t eat snails
Always root for the winner. That way you won’t be disappointed. Tug McGraw
Raise the urinals. Darrel Chaney,Braves infielder, on how to keep the team on it’s toes
I lost it in the sun. Billy Loes, Brooklyn pitcher, after fumbling a grounder
Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean. Pedro Guerrero, NL infielder and outfielder
There seem to be a few of you out there who continue to request a selection of down&dirty limericks. I’m feeling a little down&dirty myself today, so I’ll bow to the pressure and offer up a few.
I thought on this rainy day we should revisit some retro baseball stories. These are two of my favorites and one of the many reasons I love baseball so much. The first story is something that was called The Five-Base Hit. The second is a story about a debt owed to Albert “Chief” Bender, an old-time pitcher. I hope you enjoy them.
Strange things happen in professional baseball, but even stranger things can happen in amateur sandlot ball. Harry Hardner was involved in one of the most peculiar plays possible in baseball.
Hardner’s Walnut Street team played on a field in Milwaukee that had no fences. No matter how far the ball was hit, it was in play until the pitcher had it back in his glove. In one game Hardner got a fat pitch and drove it far over the outfielder’s head. Hardner raced around the bags happily.
Just as Hardner crossed the plate, a teammate who was coaching at first base began shouting, “Run to first! “Run to first! The teammate and the opponent’s first baseman noticed that Hardner had failed to touch first on his way around the base paths.
Tired as he was, Hardner took off for first base again just as the ball came in from the outfield. He slid hard into the bag just as the throw arrived. The umpire called him safe. He was given credit for just a single. But his teammates always called it a five-base hit.
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One of baseball’s greatest pitchers was an Indian named Albert “Chief” Bender, who pitched for the Philadelphia Athletics and Phillies. Bender won 208 games in the majors, but his own favorite story concerned a game he lost as a bush-leaguer. In 1901 Bender agreed to pitch his first professional game for the Dillsburg, Pennsylvania, team. He was to be paid five dollars. Even Bender had to laugh when he saw where the game would be played. It was a hayfield, with a cabbage patch in the outfield. Bender himself hit a home run into the cabbage patch, but he lost the game in the 10th inning. Afterward the manager handed the “Chief” $3.20 and said “we don’t have enough money. I’ll give you the rest the next time I see you.” 41 years later the “Chief” was being interviewed by Ed Pollock a reporter for the Philadelphia Bulletin. Bender recited the story and surprise, surprise, a few days later a letter and small canvas bag reached the Bulletin. The letter read in part:
Dear Sir: In going over our records we have an outstanding amount due you from the summer of 1901. Not knowing your whereabouts nor having seen you for all these years, we were unable to remit. The cabbages were harvested and sold later that year, giving us a small surplus. We are enclosing the money reserved for you.
In the canvas bag was a three-cent piece with the date 1864, a two-cent piece, two dimes dated 1875, 23 nickels, and 40 Indian-head pennies. The change added up to a $1.80, the exact amount Bender was owed. But the Dillsburg team was really being generous. The coins were very rare and worth a great deal more than their face value.
A few weeks ago, I posted information from a book gifted to me by my better-half called The Little Book of Whisky. I developed a taste for Scotch more than 40 years ago during my years as a police officer. I was then introduced to bourbon whiskey many years later and absolutely loved it. Thank heavens I have a large number of whisky drinking readers and in response to their emails, I decided to list a few more items of trivia about whiskey. Read on and do so preferably with a drink in your hand.
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Whisky or whiskey is a type of liquor made from fermented grain mash. Various grains (which may be malted) are used for different varieties, including barley, corn, rye, and wheat. Whisky is typically aged in wooden casks, which are typically made of charred white oak. Uncharred white oak casks previously used for the aging of port, rum or sherry are also sometimes used.
The Whisky Playlist(1-5)
Whisky Bent and Hell Bound – Hank Williams Jr.
Poison Whisky – Lynyrd Skynyrd
Whisky River – Willie Nelson
Whisky and Wimmen – John Lee Hooke & Canned Heat
It Was the Whisky Talkin – Jerry Lee Lewis
Whiskey Wisdom #1
Inventor, scientist and engineer Nikola Tesla, best known for designing the alternating current (AC) electric system, and the Tesla Coil, drank whiskey every day. He believed it would help him live to be 150 years old. He died at the age of 86.
Whisky Health Notice #1
A study published in 2010 by the United States National Institute of Health Recommended that adults who consume 1-6 portions a week of whiskey were 50% less likely to suffer dementia as nondrinkers and heavy drinkers.
“A Whiskey a Day Keeps the Doctor Away”
Famous Whiskey Quotes
“Never delay kissing a pretty girl or opening a bottle of whiskey.” Ernest Hemingway
“When life hands you lemons, make Whiskey Sours.” WC Fields
“The true pioneer of civilization is not a newspaper, not religion, not a railroad but whiskey!” Mark Twain
“My God, so much I like to drink Scotch that sometimes I think my name is Igor Stra-whiskey.” Igor Stravinsky
Well, as I said in the past so many times it’s a gray and rainy and crappy day here in Maine. The state is overrun with tourists from Canada and from Massachusetts zero making any kind of trip even to just shop is a pain. Least touristy summer days totally destroy what sense of humor I normally have, and I need something to make me smile at least. So, with that in mind about some jokes.
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The terrible tempered Mr. Anderson, having missed an easy putt, shouted, “Oh Fuck!” A young lady in the party said, “You needn’t use such vile language. “Anderson stared at her angrily and said, “Oh, come on. I’m sure you’ve heard that word many times before. “I have, said the young lady, but never in anger.”
A woman who was having a one-night stand with the man she had casually picked up said rather contemptuously, “You have a very small organ.” To which the man immediately replied, “It merely seems small because it has been asked to play in a cathedral.”
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus. “It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway”, he said. “Actually,” said his guide, it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.” The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?” “Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”
“Worry is the first time you find you can’t do it the second time; panic is the second time you find you can’t do it the first time.”
There was a young woman named Sally
Who loved an occasional dally.
She sat on the lap
of a well-endowed chap,
And said, “Ooh, you’re right up my alley.”
A woman said proudly, “Before I married my husband, I told him quite frankly of the various different love affairs I had had. I did not want to marry under false pretenses. “What honesty,” said one of those who was listening to her. “And what courage,” said another. “And what a memory,” said a third.
I consider myself to be an avid reader, but many friends and family consider me an obsessive reader. I admit to reading a lot, but that obsessive description seems a little much. I’ve been an avid reader of just about everything starting at about age 4 and I’ve never lost my love of reading and books. I thought with the advent of the Kindle and the Nook and other electronic reading devices I’d be in heaven. What I didn’t count on was missing the feel of the books in my hands, their smell, turning the pages, and just how contented those actions made me feel. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Kindle and I read it every day but it’s just not the same. Unfortunately for me I gave away a lot of my most favorite books when I bought the Kindle initially. Now I find myself looking to replace many of those books so I can sit on a quiet deck on a summer day and spend time reading my old friends. Today’s blog will be a few historical facts about books. Enjoy.
The art of printing was born with the first printed book, the Gutenberg Bible, and considered by many as the most beautiful book ever produced. 300 copies were printed, nearly 1300 pages each, 42 lines in Latin to the page. The Gutenberg Bibles remain among the most value books in the world.
Charles Darwin believes that the proposed first printing of this book The Origin of Species would be too large: 1250 copies. But the edition was sold out the very first day of its publication.
In 1814, when George Byron’s poem The Corsair was published, 30,000 copies were sold in a single day.
Kepler’s story Somnium, published after his death in 1630, is the first piece of authentic science fiction, as opposed to fantasy, because it was the first to try to describe the lunar surface as it really was.
The first collection of Aesop’s animal fables was put together 200 years after his death and included many that originated long after the Greek slave from Africa had departed this world.
Clement Clarke Moore (1779-1863) – a biblical scholar, professor of Oriental and Greek literature, and compiler of a Greek and Hebrew lexicon – wrote the exquisitely simple and easily remembered “Visit from St. Nicholas”:Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house . . .
“The best moments in reading are when you come across something—a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things—which you had thought special and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.”
I love that term “water of life”. Any dedicated whiskey drinker has heard that phrase and knows what it means. Those of you who do not partake in whiskeys, then I’ll try to educate you a bit. I’m not exactly sure at what age I had my first sip of whiskey, but it must have been in my eighth year while playing Checkers with my grandfather. He was an avid winemaker, and he loved his whiskeys and brandies. In his old and dirty cellar near the furnace, he had huge casks of wine and brandy that he was making. Sitting in between those two casks was a small table, two old chairs and a Checkers game that was much older than I was. That’s where my whiskey, wine, brandy, and Checkers education began and eventually turned me into quite a winemaker myself and to become an aficionado of whiskey and brandy. I can never take a drink of Jack Daniels or Jim Beam or any of the other whiskeys without thinking about my grandfather. He was freaking awesome.
On one of my better half’s many recent shopping safaris she discovered a very small book titled “Whiskey” and in her infinite wisdom purchased it immediately and brought it home for me. After reading through the book, it’s only fair that I share some of the wisdom about whiskey that some of you probably have never heard. Let’s get started.
” The light music of whiskey falling into a glass – an agreeable interlude.” James Joyce
It seems that Americans in general prefer bourbon style whiskeys, but they are willing to take a chance with some of the Irish and Canadian whiskeys. Here are the top five sellers in the United States:
Jack Daniels Bourbon Whiskey
Crown Royal Canadian Whiskey
Fireball Canadian Whiskey
Jim Beam Bourbon Whiskey
Jamison Irish Whiskey
Jack Daniels is the world’s most famous whiskey brand. The actual Jack Daniels learned how to make whiskey at the age of six. Fully grown Jack Daniels was a diminutive 5’2″ tall and wore a size four shoe.
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” W. C. Fields
In October 2019 at an auction at Sotheby’s in England a bottle of Macallan Fine and Rare, 60-year-old whiskey (Cask Number 263) distilled in 1926 sold for $1.9 million. The 700 ml bottle of 20 shots would cost you $95,000 per shot.
“What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for.” Irish Proverb
Everyone wants a good life. As I sat thinking about it recently, I felt a few commonsense rules were needed. I’ve been around a very long time and have collected ideas from many sources that assisted me in creating this list. I’m no genius but if you follow this list, I guarantee your life will improve dramatically.
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Talk slow, think fast. Remember that great loves and great successes also hold great risks. Call your mom. Respect yourself, respect others and take responsibility for your actions. When you’ve made a mistake, Correct it!
Eat plenty of whole rice. Always give people more than they expect. Be able to sing your favorite song. Don’t believe anything you hear and half of what you see. When you say, “I love you”, mean it!
Pet your pets. Spend some time alone. Accept change but maintain your values. At times, silence is the best answer. Read more books!
Learn all the rules, and then break a few. Trust everyone . . . but always lock your car. Do not bring up the past. Good fences sometimes make for good neighbors. Don’t trust anyone who fails to close their eyes when they kiss you.
Only swear when absolutely necessary. When you say, “I’m sorry”, say it with eye contact. Believe in love at first sight. Honor your body, treat it like a temple. Fight fair.
He was an American writer and professor of biochemistry at Boston University. A prolific writer, he wrote or edited more than 500 books. He also wrote an estimated 90,000 letters and postcards. Best known for his hard science fiction, Asimov also wrote mysteries and fantasy, as well as a great deal of non-fiction.
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I’ve been a fan of Isaac Asimov, for as long as I can remember. I’ve tried to read everything of his that I could find and have never regretted it. He’s one of the most prolific writers who’ve ever lived and is well-versed in virtually any topic someone would like to talk about. Over the years I’ve also discovered that he was one of the funniest writers as well and has written books of limericks and stories that were outrageously funny. I recently acquired a book of his from 1992 (the year of his death) titled Azimov Laughs Again. It’s a volume of funny stories from his life as well as some of his favorite jokes and limericks. Here are a couple jokes to help get your day started.
Mr. Ginsberg, age 83, went to the doctor for a complete examination head to toe. About halfway through, the doctor was called to the telephone. He said, “Mr. Ginsberg, this will not take more than a few minutes. Here’s a jar. While I am gone, go to the bathroom and place a semen sample in it for examination. Then we’ll continue. “A few minutes later, the doctor indeed returned, and there stood Mr. Ginsberg with the jar- totally empty. “Doctor,” said Mr. Ginsberg. “I did my best. I tried with my right hand, and I tried with my left hand. I even tried with both hands, but nothing happened. The doctor said soothingly, “Now, Mr. Ginsberg, don’t feel embarrassed. At the age of 83, it is quite common to be impotent.” Whereupon Ginsberg said, with towering indignation, “What do you mean, impotent? I couldn’t open the jar.”
Old Mr. Anderson and his equally aged wife were filing for divorce. The judge, eyeing them with astonishment, said, “How old are you, Mr. Anderson?” “Ninety-three”, Your Honor. “And your wife?” “Ninety-one”, Your Honor.” “And how long have you been married?” “Sixty-six years.” “Then why do you want to get a divorce now?” “Well, you know how it is, Your Honor.” We were waiting for the children to die.”
He has an interesting sense of humor and I freaking love it. Here’s a small add-on which is one of his favorite limericks.
I think it’s likely that some of you may have gotten the wrong idea with the title I used for this post. Twisted in this context does not mean heavily sexual or bawdy. These limericks are written specifically for children, and they are a cross between limericks & tongue twisters. As a kid I loved tongue twisters and at a very early age whilst sitting through a number of sessions to correct a minor lisp I had, tongue twisters were one of the exercises that we were permitted to do to help us get control of our speech patterns. I know it sounds stupid, but it was even more stupid when you’re the one who was required to do it. Enjoy!
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She saw a seesaw at sea,
A shawl she was wearing, was she,
The sea shrank her shawl,
Till it shrank her shawl small,
To the seesaw she saw she said “Gee!”
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Louise is pleased by cheesy chicken squeezed with cheesy cheese,
Squeezy peasy chicken cheesy served to please Louise,
“To other chicken, phooey!
Even Chinese chicken suey,
More squeezy greasy peasy cheesy chicken, if you please!”
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Hannah from Havana grew bananas in Savanna,
A bonanza of bananas that had grown in her bandanna,
