11/11/2021 ⚡Stupid Newspaper Headline⚡ Leave a comment
11/11/2021 Isn’t It Romantic? Leave a comment
(Sarcasm On)
I’m sitting here in my man-cave reading a novel that is quite romantic. I’m not a usual reader of romance novels but there’s a reason I’m reading this one. For the last nine days in a row my better-half has requested my presence to watch Rom-Coms after dinner. I have to admit that I enjoy some of them but the great majority are kind of trashy and stupid. She insists that these movies are the epitome of romance, I couldn’t disagree more. Over the years I’ve been called many things, some good and some not so good by a variety of ladies. I can honestly say I have never been called romantic and again I disagree with them as well. In my opinion women should not be the final word on whether a man is romantic or not. On one or two occasions I’ve actually had women call me out in front of others for being unromantic, and for the last time I again absolutely disagree.
I recall an old movie that I thoroughly enjoyed watching starring Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah called Roxanne. It was a mushy silly takeoff on some Shakespearean story and at one point in the story Steve Martin serenaded Daryl Hannah at her bedroom window. If that’s a requirement for being identified as romantic, forget about it. I may be a lot of things but a singer I’m not. If I attempted to serenade a woman two things would immediately occur. First, she would cover her ears and slam the window shut. Secondly, the police would arrest me for “disturbing the peace” and “being a public nuisance”. So scratch serenading off my list of romantic things I could do.
I love reading but reading Shakespeare and stuffy poetry aloud to a woman I’ve just become interested in isn’t going to happen either. I’m more likely to recite some of my own poetry which is usually funny and a little off-color. You know what I mean, “There once was a man from Nantucket . . .”. Strike two for me. Maybe my critics were right after all. Allow me to continue my thought processes before you make your final decision.
I’ve been known to create a CD or two filled with romantic Lionel Richie love songs which I must say works like a charm. I’ve also been known to send flowers on occasion but unfortunately only to my mother on Mother’s Day.
Quite a few times in the past I’ve given IOU’s to various women for foot rubs. I’ve been complimented numerous times about my delicate and sensitive touch but I’ve never fully explained to most of them about my harmless but fun foot fetish. That’s my little secret.
Body massages are always a great approach for intimacy with many wonderful advantages available if done properly. Just so you know, I can massage with the best of them. So give me some points for that.
Taking a woman to dinner can be a pleasurable experience as well. It’s also a pretty good way to guilt them into sex. Spend $20 for the meal and you’ll likely get a long leisurely French kiss at the door. Spend $50 and you get an invitation to come in and play “slap and tickle” on the couch for a while. Spend over $100 for the meal and purchase an expensive bottle of wine and you’ll be swept into the “Promised Land” on the ‘Wings of Angels”. Been there and done that too.
Take them to a movie after that good meal and make sure it’s a tear-jerking “chick flick” and your golden. Dropping a few tears during the love scenes is perfect. Pretend to wipe the tears from your cheek so she can’t see you doing it, but make sure she does. A good meal, a bottle of good wine, a mushy movie, and a tear or two, and she’s yours for the asking. Now, if that’s not romance I don’t know what is.
So what have we learned about me. I like good food and good wine – Check! I like movies – Check! I like to spend time with women – Check! I write off-color and funny poetry – Check! I like massaging the naked bodies and feet of women – Check! I can drop a tear or two if necessary – Check! I like sex – Check! I can sleep over or go home immediately after sex – Your choice!
HOW MUCH MORE ROMANTIC CAN I GET?
(Sarcasm Off)
11/10/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** Leave a comment
In the street, a big lady from Fareham,
Would take out her tits to compare’em;
She explained: As I’m blessed
With great mounds on my chest,
it’s a bit of a shame not to share’em.
11/10/2021 My Terrible Two’s – 1948 Leave a comment
I know that some of you are going to find this hard to believe but as a child of two I was a serious problem for my mother and father. The term “Terrible Two’s” really meant something to them as they reminded me so often over the years. I was a bit rebellious even then and stayed that way for most of my adult life. In 1948 I was two years old and it was also a year of transition for the country due to the end of World War II. Here are a few facts and figures from 1948 for your amusement.
- Harry S. Truman was named President of the United States but never appointed a vice president when he first took over the office after the death of FDR. The population of the United States at the time was 146,631,000.
- The number of births recorded in that year were 3,637,000.
- There were 563,000 males graduated from high school as did 627,000 females.
- Average salary for a full-time employee was $2900.00 and the minimum wage per hour was $.40.
- The Cleveland Indians defeated the Boston Braves in the World Series.
- And in NFL news, the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Chicago Cardinals to win the championship..
- The PGA championship was won by Ben Hogan.
- The popular word game Scrabble made its debut in 1948 and soon became the source of stimulation and fun for families on cold winter nights. Many of the favorite toys of the time were interactive and included Lincoln Logs, the game Cootie, Jack-in-the-Box, model airplanes, and electric trains.
- The Hallicrafter Company developed and marketed a small television with a 4 inch screen (B&W Only) that was more affordable and convenient for some families.
- Terry Bradshaw, of the Pittsburgh Steelers, was born on September 2. Ozzy Osbourne, rock singer and musician, was born on December 3. Samuel L Jackson, actor, was born on December 21 and Orville Wright, aviation pioneer, died on January 30, 1948.
- Here are some prices you can hardly believe: a loaf of bread-$.14, a pound of bacon-$.77, a pound of butter-$.87, a dozen eggs-$.72, a gallon of milk-$.44, 10 pounds of potatoes-$.57, a pound of coffee-$.51, 5 pounds of sugar-$.47, 1 gallon of gasoline-$.26, movie tickets-$.36, postage stamps-three cents, and average family car-$1250, and last but not least a single-family home-$7700.00
- During a Yankee Stadium anniversary event on June 13, 1948, Babe Ruth stepped to the microphone, thanked friends and fans for their support, and retired. On August 16, at 8:01 p.m. he passed away.
- The 1948 Winter Olympics were held in St. Moritz, Switzerland, and were the first Olympics since 1936, due to World War II.
- The Summer Olympics were also revived, with London hosting the games. For the first time the games were televised allowing Americans to view athletes from the United States and 58 other nations. Germany and Japan however were barred from participating. The United States closed the games with 84 medals, 38 of which were gold, making America by far the top medal winning nation.
- On May 14, 1948, Israel declared its independence, technically ending it’s civil war, but the conflict between Arab and Israeli groups continued.
- The World Health Organization was established on April 7, 1948.
- The Lone Ranger, The Green Hornet, The Adventures of Sam Spade, and Inner Sanctum, were some of the favorite radio stars and shows of 1948.
- The top hit song of the year was “Buttons and Bows” by Dinah Shore.
- Some of the most popular movies for the year were Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Fort Apache, Key Largo, The Three Musketeers, and The Treasure of Sierra Madre.
So ended my Terrible Two’s which allowed me to move up to my Terrible Three’s and then my Terrible Fours. I pretty much stayed “Terrible” until Monday of last week.
SAY GOODBYE TO 1948
⚡Stupid Newspaper Headline⚡ Leave a comment
“Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide”
11/09/2021 Needed, Insurance Claim Translators Leave a comment
Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away I was required to work eight hours a day, 40 hours a week, with insurance companies. Truthfully it wasn’t much fun and after talking to literally hundreds of insurance company employees, they agreed. I was forced to read hundreds of accident reports and then pass them on to the insurance carriers. Some information contained in those reports was incredible to say the least. The following list of quotations is taken from actual submitted insurance claims concerning automobile accidents. You can read them, take your time, and try to figure out exactly what they mean. Here we go . . .
- “I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.”
- “Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have. The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.”
- “I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”
- “I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”
- “The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.”
- “I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”
- “In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
- “As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”
- “The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him.”
- “I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”
- “The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.”
- “I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”
- “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.”
- “The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.”
- “I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.”
I give thanks everyday that I know longer have to deal with this nonsense. The only thing worse than dealing with insurance companies is dealing with their customers.
BEWARE! THEIR EVERYWHERE
11/08/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** Leave a comment
A woman who lived in St. Paul,
Had breasts undeniably small;
Her husband growled: “Dear,
Why not burn your brassiere?
It’s fulfilling no function at all!”
11/08/2021 Is 2021 Becoming 1984? Leave a comment
I’m a reader of just about any printed material. I enjoy fiction, nonfiction, and anything else I can get my hands on. By far my favorite genre is science fiction and I’ve been reading it religiously since the age of nine. I love it for a number of reasons but primarily because of its ability to foretell the future. So many things included in the oldest sci-fi stories have eventually become part of our reality i.e. lasers, satellites, cell phones, and space travel. I then asked myself the question, if sci-fi writers have the ability to see the future so clearly, why not others. The novel 1984 is considered sci-fi by some but to me it’s just social commentary taken to extremes. But . . . could it be prophetic as well?
I look at the direction of our country today. It’s slowly sliding toward socialism with people like LBJ, Jimmy Carter, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and Joe Biden insinuating their kind of changes into every facet of our lives. In Orwell’s future, the Party is everything and only our service to the Party has any value. Sounds vaguely familiar doesn’t it?
Orwell rewrote the language into something called Newspeak. Changing words to reflect new meanings such as terms like Head Start, Hope and Lifetime Learning Credits, Peace Corp., Americorp and of course Welfare. Newspeak allowed the Party to suddenly change the perception of something just by making the name more palatable. The “proles” weren’t smart enough to figure that out. Are we?
BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING was the mantra of the “proles” in Orwell’s novel. The “proles” were the regular citizens excluded from the upper echelon of society and needed to be strictly controlled. Could the NSA be the new “Big Brother”? Could Homeland Security be the new “Thought Police”? You tell me.
Mentioned throughout Orwell’s novel are the following three terms:
- WAR IS PEACE – Doesn’t this clearly describe our current approach to the rest of the world or not?
- FREEDOM IS SLAVERY – Does corroding our civil rights and freedoms under the guise of security explain this?
- IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH – When government transparency becomes just some phony “politically correct” term, does that explain this?
Orwell’s” Ministry of Truth” comes alive when you read this description:
“There were the huge print shops with their sub-editors, their typography experts, and their elaborately equipped studios for the faking of photographs. There was the tele-programs section with its engineers, its producers, and its teams of actors specially chosen for their skill in imitating voices.” – Sounds a lot like the Main Stream Media and “Fake News” to me.
I could continue these comparisons all day long. Orwell had the Thought Police and the Ministry of Truth and we have the Criminal Justice System. The comparisons were striking to me but will easily be shrugged off by our current government as a gross exaggeration of an old and antiquated novel. Just like the lasers and communication satellites were written about in the 1940s, at the time they were also considered a gross exaggeration. I’ve made my decision on where I think were headed as a country and a society. I’m not saying it’s a certainty but it could become our reality very easily and very quickly.
I’ll admit one thing of Orwell’s that does not translate to our current generation is the “Ministry of Love”. He thought his “Big Brother” government should mandate copulation and childbirth as a service to the Party as a means of keeping the population levels growing. I’m sure he never anticipated a government assisted by the courts that would permit the wholesale slaughter of unborn children just to maintain the status quo and keep citizens voting a certain way.
LETS CALL THAT OUR “MINISTRY OF UNLOVE”
11/07/2021 ✨Great Quote Award✨ Leave a comment
“One fifth of the people are against everything all of the time.”
Robert Kennedy
11/07/2021. What’s Are Your Answers? Leave a comment
As I’ve stated so many times in the past, “an unexamined life isn’t worth living”. With that in mind I’m offerring up these twenty questions. There are no right or wrong answers and no scoring of any kind. This isn’t a test but a chance to help you examine yourself. I’m going to answer them as truthfully as I can. I hope you’ll take a few minutes by yourself or with your partner or spouse and answer them together. It should prompt some interesting discussions. Enjoy . . .
1. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be?
A. The ability to speak every language in the world.
2. If you knew there would be a nuclear war in one week, what would you do?
A. I’d take my better-half, my cat, and a couple of cases of good wine and spend the week camping in the mountains.
3. Would you have one of your fingers surgically removed if it’s somehow guaranteed immunity from all major diseases?
A. No way in hell.
4. How do you picture your funeral? Is it important to you to have people mourn your death?
A. Cremate me, throw my ashes in the ocean, and move on with your lives. No special anything.
5. If you could take a 1-month trip anywhere in the world and money were not a consideration, where would you go and what would you do?
A. I’d fly to Easter Island to take photographs and meet the people.
6. If your friends and acquaintances we’re willing to bluntly and honestly tell you what they really thought of you, would you want them to?
A. Yes and I would do the same for them if requested.
7. You believe in any sort of God? If not, you think you might still pray if you were in a life-threatening situation?
A. I’ve been in life threatening situations and there was no praying of any kind going on. If there is a God (which I doubt) he didn’t seem the least bit interested.
8. Assuming that complete recovery were instantaneous, would you be willing to accept a year of complete paralysis below the neck to prevent the otherwise certain extinction of the blue whale?
A. No way, there’s an easier solution. Kill all the damn whale hunters.
9. Would you like to know the precise date of your death?
A. No way, I just love surprises.
10. Someone you loved deeply is brutally murdered and you know the identity of the murderer, who unfortunately is acquitted of the crime. Would you seek revenge?
A. Yes and it would be done intelligently and be undetectable.
11. If there were a public execution on television, would you watch it?
A. No, look how well that sort of thing worked out for the Romans.
12. How many times during the day do you look at yourself in a mirror?
A. As few times as possible. I no longer impress myself much.
13. Would you prefer to be blind or deaf?
A. Deaf, it would be a blessing not to listen to the constant drumbeat of noise from the rest of the planet.
14. How old were you when you first had sexual intercourse?
A. Age 13 and it was wonderful.
15. You are given $1,000,000 to donate anonymously to charity or to a stranger. How would you dispose of it?
A. $750,000 to the Wounded Warrior Project and the remainder to the ASPCA’s no-kill shelters.
16. How much do you like your body? You awoke alone on a warm morning and we’re going to laze about the house, how long would you wait to get dressed? What do you wear when you sleep?
A. I probably wouldn’t get dressed until at least 11 a.m. I always sleep in the nude whenever possible and will till the day I die.
17. Would you be willing to eat a bowl of live crickets for $40,000?
A. Hell no that’s disgusting but I might reconsider for $50,000.
18. Can you urinate in front of another person?
A. Many times and in many places.
19. Would you be willing to go to a slaughterhouse and kill a cow?
A. I’m a meat eater not a meat killer. We have specialists to handle that.
20. Would you be willing to murder an innocent person if it would end hunger in the world?
A. Absolutely not.
Those were my honest answers and it wasn’t as bad an experience as I thought it might be. The straight-up truth is always easier than trying to prevaricate or exaggerate.
GIVE IT A TRY
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