Archive for the ‘foreplay’ Tag

01/08/2023 “Sarcasm”   Leave a comment

I’m feeling somewhat sarcastic today. That shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows me because I’ve been accused by many of using sarcasm every time I open my mouth. I can’t deny that accusation because it’s mostly true. I use sarcasm as both a weapon and also for defense against ignorance and noitallism. Noitallism is a word I’ve created to describe a common malady among certain people who think they know everything and can’t wait to rub your nose in their vast quantity of knowledge. It’s an ongoing game of verbal chess that I really do enjoy. Those of us who live for sarcasm have an interesting way of thinking as reflected by our sarcastic definitions of common words. Here are a few examples:

  • AARP: American Association of Retired Persons. An organization that sends out welcome letters to people over 50 to remind them that they will soon be dead.
  • ACADEMY AWARD: Recognition of achievement in the motion picture industry. Given annually to a group of people who are 100 times prettier, richer, and more popular than you will ever be or have any hope of being.
  • ABS: A part of the human body that can, apparently in only minutes a day as part of this exclusive TV offer, become rock hard.
  • ACNE: Nature’s way of telling you that you are not quite ready to have sex.
  • ADULT: What you become when you finally give up drinking, sleeping around, and bouncing from job to job. Also known as the kill-me-now syndrome.

  • BANK: A place to enjoy waiting in line when you can’t make it to the post office.
  • COFFEE: A laxative that you can buy in the same place that sells croissants.
  • EROTIC: Titillating, causing arousal. In other words, all the things you have to picture to look like you’re enjoying it with someone who would never let you do the things you’re picturing.
  • FOREPLAY: Two minutes of boring displays of affection that must be endured if you want to get to the good stuff.
  • FRIEND: A person you use to pass the time between relationships.

  • INTERESTING: A word meaning “I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to say.”
  • LIKE: A word that somewhere in the late 20th century began to be used as the connective tissue in all spoken sentences, despite the fact that the words on either side of it need nothing to connect them in the first place.
  • LOVE: A deep and abiding affection that compels you to go to the bitter end with someone you should probably have ditched at the altar.
  • SHAME: The realization that nobody else thinks the thing you were caught doing was as wholesome as you thought it was.

There you have it folks, your first introduction to some of the new and improved sarcastic definitions. A special thanks goes out to the VP of sarcasm, James Napoli, and all of us sarcastic SOB’s that seem to piss off just about everyone.


07-22-2013   2 comments

I hesitate to write about today’s subject because I know many of my female readers will take me to task.  As Groucho Marx used to say on You Bet Your Life, "Today’s topic is foreplay. Say the secret word and win a hundred dollars".

The term foreplay gets tossed around all to often when men have their discussions about being successful lovers.  It comes across as more of a joke topic than anything they should take too seriously.  Most women are out-spoken in their demands that men become more accomplished in this most important area. I can’t argue that fact because over the years I’ve found it to be true.

I think many men are good at foreplay but even they are accused at times of being unskilled.  It’s become an easy way for women to keep a man on the defensive and to force him into working even harder than usual.  It’s those passive-aggressive remarks like “Oh, that was nice but my old boyfriend wasn’t good at that either”, that can really kill the mood. I’m not being too critical of them because it’s just human nature to try and reap the most benefits from every situation. I’ve known a few women who considered successful foreplay by a man to be when he removed his pants.  As with all human beings, everyone is different in their approach to just about anything. 

I once had a fairly successful interlude with a young woman who told me up front there would be no actual intercourse.  She was of the Bill Clinton school of sexual definition in that oral sex was not really sex.  We never had actual intercourse but OMG it really didn’t matter, that  girl had some serious skills.  It was one of the few times in my life where I was totally satisfied with a developing relationship and was really disappointed when her flight was called and she flew away.  I guess that’s why to this day I love airports and flight attendants but hate flying.  Ahhhh good memories.

I was watching a TV show a while back and heard the term "King of Foreplay" used during a conversation about relationships.  I’m certainly not claiming that title but I’ve studied as hard as I could over the years and I’m close to reaching that goal.  If I could live at least seventy-five more years I might just make it.  There are no hard and fast rules on foreplay because what works for one women doesn’t work for the next.  It can be very difficult and time consuming for the inexperienced man to figure these things out.

After cruising around the net I found this list of foreplay tips on how to be a better lover.  I’ll make a short comment on each since I’ve probably tried them all at one time or another. As with everything, some worked and some didn’t.  See what you think.  For you inexperienced young guys out there pay attention and learn from your elders.

Masturbate for your partner – Didn’t Work
Masturbate each other – Worked
Masturbate your partner – Worked
Suck nipples – Worked
Role-Play – Didn’t Work
Whole body massage – Worked
Give a lap dance or strip tease – Never as Foreplay
Shower together – Never as Foreplay
Tie one of you up – Really Worked
Oral Sex – Really Worked
Tickle – Never Tried
Nibble earlobes – Worked
Spank playfully – Really Worked
Talk dirty to each other – Worked
Blindfold one of you – Really Worked
Used sex toys – Really Worked
Shave each other’s private areas – Worked
Suck fingertips – Worked
Watch a porno – Never as Foreplay
Play an Adult Sex Game – Never Tried
Drip hot wax on your lover – Really worked
Body paint each other – Never as Foreplay

Hopefully the woman your trying to seduce doesn’t require any more than two or three of them.  My advice is to become proficient in them all and begin your life-long search for that "King of Foreplay" title.

We all know who Dr. Ruth is I think.  She’s the four and a half foot tall sex expert who has the answers to every sex question.  Here are a few tips from her for  those men who are having difficulties.

  • Check it out. If anything "down there" hurts or isn’t working the way you think it should, don’t wonder about it — see a doctor. For him, difficulty maintaining an erection and, for her, pain during intercourse always requires a medical evaluation.
  • Don’t zone out. Many couples are embarrassed to ask their partner to stimulate erogenous zones that are very pleasurable but can be considered taboo. The nipples, the anus, the back of the neck — all have nerve endings. So don’t be shy. The only shame when it comes to foreplay is a missed opportunity for pleasure.
  • Stay the course. There is a moment before orgasm when many women give up, thinking nothing will happen. It’s a self-sabotaging mistake. Stay with the stimulation and the orgasm will come.
  • There is not an exact science to foreplay. You and your partner(s) should understand what you need and want from each other. While we speak about foreplay techniques we must regard before anything else that every human being is distinctive and diverse from each person else and the above-mentioned foreplay techniques have a different impact from one person to another. Accustom yourself to the occasion.

Isn’t Dr. Ruth just terrific.  I’ve always wondered if growing up at “zipper height” caused her to pursue sex as her life’s work.  Just a thought.

Research indicates more than 85% of ladies reached more intense orgasms when their partners spent more than 10 minutes on foreplay.  So boys, increase your number of  foreplay techniques and become more sexually adventurous.  It’s worth every second for you to bone up (pun intended) on your skills.  They’ll serve you well for many decades to come (again pun intended).

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