Archive for the ‘erotic’ Tag
I’m feeling somewhat sarcastic today. That shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows me because I’ve been accused by many of using sarcasm every time I open my mouth. I can’t deny that accusation because it’s mostly true. I use sarcasm as both a weapon and also for defense against ignorance and noitallism. Noitallism is a word I’ve created to describe a common malady among certain people who think they know everything and can’t wait to rub your nose in their vast quantity of knowledge. It’s an ongoing game of verbal chess that I really do enjoy. Those of us who live for sarcasm have an interesting way of thinking as reflected by our sarcastic definitions of common words. Here are a few examples:
- AARP: American Association of Retired Persons. An organization that sends out welcome letters to people over 50 to remind them that they will soon be dead.
- ACADEMY AWARD: Recognition of achievement in the motion picture industry. Given annually to a group of people who are 100 times prettier, richer, and more popular than you will ever be or have any hope of being.
- ABS: A part of the human body that can, apparently in only minutes a day as part of this exclusive TV offer, become rock hard.
- ACNE: Nature’s way of telling you that you are not quite ready to have sex.
- ADULT: What you become when you finally give up drinking, sleeping around, and bouncing from job to job. Also known as the kill-me-now syndrome.
- BANK: A place to enjoy waiting in line when you can’t make it to the post office.
- COFFEE: A laxative that you can buy in the same place that sells croissants.
- EROTIC: Titillating, causing arousal. In other words, all the things you have to picture to look like you’re enjoying it with someone who would never let you do the things you’re picturing.
- FOREPLAY: Two minutes of boring displays of affection that must be endured if you want to get to the good stuff.
- FRIEND: A person you use to pass the time between relationships.
- INTERESTING: A word meaning “I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to say.”
- LIKE: A word that somewhere in the late 20th century began to be used as the connective tissue in all spoken sentences, despite the fact that the words on either side of it need nothing to connect them in the first place.
- LOVE: A deep and abiding affection that compels you to go to the bitter end with someone you should probably have ditched at the altar.
- SHAME: The realization that nobody else thinks the thing you were caught doing was as wholesome as you thought it was.
There you have it folks, your first introduction to some of the new and improved sarcastic definitions. A special thanks goes out to the VP of sarcasm, James Napoli, and all of us sarcastic SOB’s that seem to piss off just about everyone.
SARCASM RULES!
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Today we’ll be introduced to what might be called something less than a romantic love poem. For those of you out there who worship at the steps of classical poetry, I apologize. I like my poetry a little more down to earth and accented with a bit of humor, be it erotic or rude, you decide. This was written some years ago, but it took a long time for me to actually decide to blog it. Anyone who knows me from that time will understand the fun of it, I hope.
❤PUPPY LOVE❤
First love is a thrill you never forget,
It sends a warmth through your heart.
Fifty years later the memory remains,
but the feelings have fallen apart.
How to recall those wonderful days,
when the freshness of things made you wish,
For the love a girl with beautiful hair,
in a field, all alone…
Do you smell fish?
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I thought a few limericks were in order today. The first one was created just for my better-half’s sister. The remainder are just for fun.
There once was a lady from BelAir
Who had long and flowing hair.
When she jumped into bed,
she often hit her head,
but never disturbed a single hair.
❤❤❤
A health-care provider from Bloom
Wanted someone to paint her living room.
The price for a painter was high
But she knew how to be sexy and shy,
and hopefully the painting will be done soon.
❤❤❤
There are my two “G” rated limericks. I normally don’t post them, but these are being done for special people. Now I can get on with a few more interesting ones that have a little more “Oomph”.
At Fred’s flat a bouncy young whore
Started bouncing about on the floor.
“That does it!” said Fred.
“Now you’ve busted the bed!”
And dismounted and showed her the door.
💥💥💥
Daphne’s looks are completely imperial
And her style of lovemaking’s ethereal.
She’s erotically active
And intensely attractive.
What a shame her disease is venereal.
💥💥💥
ENJOY YOUR DAY OF REST
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Being the cynical bastard that I am and having less love for our human race than most, makes this topic concern even me. Most of my life and career has been involved with close personal communications (interviews and interrogations) with hosts of diverse individuals. I’ve been able thanks to years of training and experience to read them exceeding well, hence my overall dislike of so many. Granted a majority of people come across in a good way but once pressures and stresses are introduced to the mix, all of the negative reactions become easily recognizable. My educated guess is that the best people are those with a much stronger control of their basic instincts. I can’t blame the negatives on emotion alone because we all deal with them equally.
The Pandemic has brought us all to the emotional edge in a number of ways through intense worry and fear. It’s interesting in the extreme to recognize both the good and the bad effects and who handles them the best. I won’t even try to explain the negative behaviors of people whose lives are completely consumed by politics and the media. They come to this discussion already biased and flawed. Then we have the medical professionals and first responders who as they always do show us the way things should be done. Compassion, caring, and fearlessness are their norm. A few bad apples have been observed through this horrible period but overall we as a people owe them praise and thanks. Fortunately the negative and selfish people with concerns only for their personal agendas are easily and quickly identified. I’m not here to name names but you already know who they are if your paying the least bit of attention.
I fear that the pressure of death, serious financial ruin, job loss, and long periods of isolation have begun to take their toll on all of us. I’ve noticed in recent weeks the edginess of ordinary citizens doing ordinary things and showing a total loss of patience for each other in a mean and nasty way. All that tells me is that the Pandemic is having a much deeper and long-term harmful effect than I first thought. Returning to the new normal still requires a huge change for all of us from the old normal. We humans are not big fans of change, large or small. This intolerance for each other will hopefully wan as time goes on but who knows for sure. We’ve been told for more than a year now to stay the hell away from each other or else. Some of the incidents I’ve observed lately fill me with doubt that there is a short term solution. We must all wait and see and then do what we can to help remedy this confusing situation.
As always I will remain the pragmatic cynic.
That being said its now time for a little humor. Anyone who follows this blog knows of my deep appreciation for really erotic limericks. I’ve delved into my archives and found this little ditty. Enjoy!
There’s a feckless young fellow named Goody
Who insists that he wouldn’t, but would he?
If he finds himself nude,
With girls in the right mood,
The question is not would he, but could he?
Surprise…it wasn’t quite as erotic or lewd as you were expecting. Next time it’ll be a doozy.
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I hesitate to get into this subject since it’s not something I’ve ever been very good at. I’d like to talk about texting in general and also about sexting in particular. To me they’re similar enough to discuss as one topic since both seem to be the "thing to do" these days.
I’m someone who lives for technology in most things and I work very hard to stay on top of the latest and greatest trends. Some things like sexting and texting just never really appealed to me because I’ve always been more of a hands-on kind of guy when it comes to the opposite sex. It’s my belief that if you want someone to respond sexually to you, you do it in person. Why is it necessary to text at all? Put me on speed dial and hit the damn button if you have something to say, especially if it’s something erotic. Hearing the words spoken by someone who I desire is way more erotic than a text message that could be sent by damn near anyone.
I understand that texting and sexting are all the rage with many of the younger generation because it’s so much easier to say outrageous and erotic things on a computer. Young women can get as crazy as they want, say anything they want, and all too often send pictures and videos thinking it’s safe and won’t easily get distributed. Sorry girls but just think about it. You sext your heart out to someone you think you love and want to be with. Two weeks later the magic has disappeared and he walks away after sending your photo’s, videos, and sext messages to all of his friends. Nothing on the net can be totally controlled no matter how hard you try. You should never forget that, ever!
As I was recently surfing around the net I discovered a few sites giving advice on how to talk dirty with sexting. I won’t link to them from this blog but if your really that interested just look around a little, they’re everywhere. This first list is suggested sexts from men to women.
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"Passed the lingerie shop, and thought of you."
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"Are you wet in the right places?"
"I need to feel you."
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"When I think of you, everything gets harder."
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"What are you wearing under your clothes."
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"Are you ready for some ecstasy?"
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"My hands feel empty without your breasts."
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"I want to be inside you."
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"You need a tongue bath."
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"Meet at the door naked."
Tell me ladies, do these really do anything for you? I find them just a little lame and would be more than a little embarrassed sending them to anyone. Now lets check out a few examples of some suggested sexts sent by women to men.
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“I’m imagining you all over my body.”
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“My clothes feel so uncomfortable right now, come and help me get out of them.”
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“I can’t stop thinking about what you’re going to do to me tonight.”
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“Does it make you hard to imagine me standing naked.”
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“I’m dying to please you tonight.”
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“I want you in my mouth.”
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“I’m so horny, do you want me to keep myself warm until I can see you.”
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“I want to stroke you all the way to heaven.”
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Does it turn you on knowing that I wrote this txt with one hand because my other is busy.”
I’m sorry but if these were sent to me by any woman I’d be a little amused but far from aroused. A number of years ago when texting and sexting first arrived on the scene I met and dated a young lady who was truly addicted to sexting. She drove me crazy with dozens of messages all day long and the harder I tried to tell her it wasn’t my thing the more persistent she became. I then told her that I was too cheap and refused to spend my hard earned money just to receive unlimited sexts from anyone. On our next date she gave me an unexpected gift, a new cell phone. She demanded that I carry that cell phone which was set up for unlimited texts and that I respond to her sext messages with some good dirty talk of my own. Shortly after that she sent me her first few nude photo’s which helped me to decide to break things off. I returned her telephone unused and disappeared from her life. Just not interested.
Here are a few additional stats I found interesting but a little scary. Our friends over at Harlequin Publishing ran a survey of their readers with the following troublesome results:
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43% of women talk dirty through texts.
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Two-thirds of that 43% said they’d only send racy messages while in a serious relationship, while 35% only needed a few dates before they’re ready to start sexting.
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27% of women admitted to sending nude pictures via email or text messages.
Well there you have it. It appears that this sort of interaction is here to stay in one form or another. That doesn’t change anything for me though. I’ll always prefer to hear my soulmate whispering softly to me on the telephone as she’s speeding home to be with me.
I wish all of you ladies the best of luck. It’s a dangerous world out there so please be careful with what your sending onto the net. I’m reasonably sure I’ll eventually be reading some of what you’ve sexted to your lovers if you continue putting it out there. There’s one thing we all should know by now, once something is on the net it’s there forever.
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I’ve always been an avid TV watcher from a very early age. I come by it honestly since I was one of that first generation to be introduced to it at birth. I’ve always watched a lot of programming but there’s a recent trend that disturbs and annoys me. I’ve read Bram Stoker’s Dracula many times and giving credit where credit is due, it was a scary and harmless story for any young kid to read. When Bela Lugosi made the movie, it scared the shit out of an entire generation. As always it faded into history and we moved on. To me this obsession with vampires, werewolves, and zombies is odd. I’ve read the classics like The Wolfman and seen Romero’s Dawn of the Living Dead when it actually premiered. It was a big deal at the time only because it was filmed in the Monroeville Mall in Monroeville, Pennsylvania, a twenty minute ride from my home. We all went to see the movie but as most other movies it scared the crap out of us and then faded into history and we moved on.
The people who are salivating over Twilight are an enigma to me. I understand erotic fantasies and how real they can become but c’mon. Turning what once was a horrific movie and book anti-hero into everyone’s new love interest makes no sense to me. We now have blood drinking vampire cults, bars where full costume is required, and the movement continues to grow. Zombie this and zombie that is giving me an effing headache. Are things in this society so badly screwed up that escaping into the world of vampirism and zombies is the only way to go? Thanks but no thanks.
Turning vampirism and blood sucking into an erotic sexual fantasy is beyond ridiculous. The TV networks being true “blood suckers” in their own right have discovered “there’s gold in them thar vampires”, and are making millions by filling the air waves and movie theatre’s with more blood drinking heroes and heroines. Even reality shows like “Sons of Gun’s” just had to have an episode where they created a weapon for zombie killing. That episode took me from being a casual viewer of the show to a future no-show.
One of my all time favorite horror movies has always been Young Frankenstein. I’d much rather have a huge belly laugh at the theatre and then go home to a warm bed and the woman I love instead of fantasizing sexually over ridiculous story lines and even more ridiculous characters. To those of you who read this and get angry, save your breath, and then move on.
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everyuselessthing.com 