Archive for the ‘limerick’ Tag
I have always been proud of my sense of humor, and I look for that trait in people I associate with. It was always one of the first things I looked for when dating as well and it never failed me. I think in the future this blog will contain much more humor meaning of course a bit of “off color” funniness. Humor that isn’t tweaked by double entendres is “boring funny” and I find that totally unacceptable. I fully intend to load this blog with non-boring humor as often as possible starting today. Here goes nothing . . .
- A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks into his shirt pocket and then asks for second beer. After drinking that one he again looks in his shirt pocket and asks for a third beer. This happens about seven more times before the bartender finally asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?” “The man replies, I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts looking good enough, I’ll be heading on home.”
- Little Johnny is walking past his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out loudly, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”
- Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket next to her. “Hello, sir,” she said. “Do you like movies?” “Yes, I do, “he responded, then returned to his book. Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?” The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Goldie asked, “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man thought for moment and replied, “How did you know my name was Katz.?”
While many of my postings contain humor, I also feel required to add a few additional lines of beautiful poetry better known as a limerick. I always prefer ones that are a bit off-color whenever possible.
There was a young fellow of Kent
Whose prick was so long that it bent,
So, to save himself trouble
He put it in double,
And instead of coming he went.
💥💥💥
LAUGH, YOU’LL FEEL BETTER!
Let’s start this post with a statement of obvious fact:
“Organic gardening is a lot of shit.”
Now we can move on to some humor for all of you card playing fanatics out there:
Mr. Jones had come home from a hard day of work and was appalled when his wife reminded him that they had arranged to visit a friend’s house for dinner and bridge. “I’m too tired to budge”, he protested. “It can’t be helped”, said Mrs. Jones, her eyes turning dangerous. So, Jones was forced to shower, change clothes, and drag himself off to the friend’s house. In the bridge game he was paired off with the hostess and then proceeded to play one lousy game after another, so that he and the hostess lost steadily. Finally, he got up and muttered, “I’ve got to go to the bathroom.” He didn’t bother to close the door of the bathroom, and the sound of water trickling into water was clear and distinct. Mrs. Jones, totally embarrassed said, “Please excuse my husband. He’s had a very hard day.” The hostess then said, “No need for excuses. I don’t mind. This is the first moment since we started playing bridge tonight that I knew what he had in his hand.”
Since I love history, here is an interesting backstory I thought I’d share with you:
George IV of Great Britain hated his wife with growing intensity, and she returned it with interest. There were prolonged and rather disgusting divorce proceedings between them, and the entire British nation took an emotional part in it. When Napoleon died at St. Helena in 1821, the news was immediately brought to George IV’s attention. “Our greatest enemy is dead”, he was told. “Oh, is she?”, smiled George.
And of course, here is the expected and gratuitous limerick:
I met a lewd nude in Bermuda,
Who thought she was shrewd, but I was shrewder.
She thought it quite crude
To be wooed in the nude.
I was cruder, pursued her, and eventually screwed’er
YOU MUST BE FEELING SMARTER ALREADY
I tend to look for publications containing limericks and I like them funny, silly, bawdy, and outright outrageous. Many of my readers constantly complain that my selections are too tame. They want lots of sexual content and even go so far as to complain about my selections of children’s limericks. I enjoy posting the more innocent lyrics from kids with the hope they will someday grow up and write some truly memorable and bawdy poetry. Someone has to assist the next generation in their endeavors, and I have gladly volunteered. Here are a few you can sample . . .
🐸🐸🐸
A frog drove her car down the road.
Hearing one of her tires explode,
The frog didn’t panic,
She called her mechanic,
And the next thing you know she was toad.
🛌🏻🛌🏻🛌🏻
One evening a boy named Carmelo.
Dreamt he ate an enormous marshmallow.
He woke up at dawn,
And his pillow was gone.
When he screamed, he saw feathers, poor fellow.
🐽🐽🐽
An eye whispered once to an ear,
With a hint of disdain and a sneer.
As its eyebrow arose,
It glanced down at the nose
And said, “Something sure smells around here.”
🏫🏫🏫
Said little first-grader Pam Plunkett,
The past tense of “shrink it” is “shrunk it”.
Told, yes, that is true!
Just who taught that to you?
She said, “I’m not really sure, I just thunk it.”
*****
WHO DOESN’T LUV KIDZ?
(Special thanks to Brian Cleary)
As the title suggests here are a few humorous stories and one gratuitous limerick. They’re all pearls of wisdom and I hope they help make you a little wiser. Here goes . . .
Once Yogi Berra, in his younger days, was in a batting slump. The manager felt this was because he was swinging at too many bad pitches. He therefore called Yogi to one side during a slow day in the schedule and gave him an intensive course in judging incoming baseball to determine whether they were outside the strike zone. Yogi’s batting promptly grew even worse, he said “It’s this judging of balls. I just can’t hit and think at the same time.”
And here’s a limerick for all of you aficionados:
To moralists, sex is a sin
Yet Nature suggests we begin.
She arranged it, no doubt,
That a fellow juts out
In the place where a damsel juts in.
🤣🤣🤣
A friend of mine was on a plane. It had achieved a high and steady flight and was set on autopilot. The pilot stretched, yawned, and said, “What I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job. “What the pilot didn’t know was that the public address system was still on, and his words were heard throughout the plane. A stewardess hurriedly ran forward to the cockpit to tell the pilot to shut off the PA system before he committed any further indiscretions. As she ran by, an elderly female passenger yelled out, “Don’t forget, honey. He wants coffee, too.”
Julius Caesar was once asked what kind of death was the best. He gave the best conceivable answer, for he said, “A sudden one.” Unfortunately for Caesar he was assassinated the next day – suddenly.
An irate woman once told Winston Churchill, when he was a young man and temporarily sporting a small mustache, “Young man, I like neither your politics nor your mustache.” To which Churchill replied, “Madam, you are not likely to come into contact with either.”
😎💩😎
Since we’re celebrating “Hump Day”, here are a few truly twisted limericks to test your reading skills. Pick any one of these three and try to read it as fast as possible without tying your tongue in a knot. Doing that is probably just as difficult as it was for me trying to type these damn things. Have fun with it.
😉😉😉
Two witchy witches in a Wichita ditch,
One witch with a twitch caused the witches to switch,
The spell they were under,
Caused people to wonder,
Which Wichita witch switched was which?
😤😤😤
Frankly, Frank Fankley felt cranky,
Inside Frank Fankley’s frank was Hank’s hanky.
Hank’s hanky Frank got,
Filled with Hank’s hanky snot,
“It ain’t frankly swanky,” said Fankley, “NO THANK-Y!”
😋😋😋
A petulant flatulent platypus starts,
To tooting and flouting his flute to his farts,
But at platypus outings,
His flatulent floutings,
Flout his flute flat at the tootiest parts.
💥💩💥
SPECIAL THANKS TO LOU BROOKS
To those of you who were alive in the 1960’s, you know what a strange time it was not only for the country but for each of us individually. Free love, drugs, rock & roll, and anti-war fever made for interesting relationships and all the craziness you could possibly handle. I have to say I enjoyed the hell out of it. With that in mind I’m offering up a few limericks from the early sixties that you might find interesting. Put on your bell-bottoms and roll up a “J” and enjoy.
😎😎😎
A gorgeous voluptuous creature
Seduced a young Methodist preacher.
It worked out quite well,
For under his spell
This gal’s now a Sunday school teacher.
😤😤😤
There was an old lecher named Gus
Who wore a horrible truss.
It would pinch, sweat and itch,
When the son of a bitch
Got too close to young girls on the bus.
🥴🥴🥴
To Sadie the touch of a male meant
A rather emotional cardiac ailment.
And acute shortness of breath
Caused her untimely death
In the course of erotic impalement.
🤤🤤🤤
PASS THE BONG
There seem to be a few of you out there who continue to request a selection of down&dirty limericks. I’m feeling a little down&dirty myself today, so I’ll bow to the pressure and offer up a few.
😅😅😅
There was a young lady named Eva
Who filled up her bath to receive her.
She took off her clothes,
From her head to her toes,
And a voice through the keyhole yelled, “Beaver!”
😂😂😂
There was a young harlot at Yale,
With her Price List tattooed on her tail.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
She had it emblazoned in Braille.
🤣🤣🤣
A cheerful young golfer, named Jock,
Gave his ball a three-hundred-yard sock.
It doesn’t sound far
For a chap that shoots par,
But twas done with the end of his cock.
😁😁😁
A mathematician named Eddie Hall,
Has a hexahedronal ball.
The cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Is his phone number – so give him a call!
💥💥💥
ISN’T POETRY FUN?
Since we’re well into the middle of August already, I feel like I’m on another planet. These changes in the weather patterns are just too weird to try and explain. I’ve lived in Maine almost 24 years and I’ve never seen or experienced summer weather that would require using an electric blanket in July. It’s hard at times to celebrate a summer that we haven’t had yet but I’m sure next year will be just as effing great. With that depressing thought in mind, I feel the need to inject a little humor back into our lives. You’re welcome to come along for the ride if you like.
😁😅😂🤣
There was a man who had insomnia so bad he couldn’t even fall asleep when it was time to wake up.
It was an enormous funeral that was winding its way through the streets of the town, and, in every way, no signs of sorrow had been seen. A bystander, who had been away from the neighborhood for a while, nudged a neighbor. “Who died?” he whispered. “Big Angelo’s girlfriend, said the other.” Big Angelo’s girlfriend? But she was so young! What did she die of?” “Gonorrhea!” “Gonorrhea! But that’s impossible. No one dies of gonorrhea.” “You do when you give it to Big Angelo.”
I sat next to the Duchess at Tea.
It was just as I feared it would be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were truly phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me.
A man and a woman met on the beach, they fell in love with each other at first glance, and after three days, were married. The wedding night was just as successful as it could be, but when the woman awoke the following morning, she found her husband dressing. She asked, “Where are you going?” “Darling, we married so quickly I didn’t have a chance to tell you I’m addicted to golf. I’m afraid you’ll rarely see me. She nodded and said, “That’s all right, we married so quickly I forgot to tell you I’m a hooker.” The man smiled and said, “That’s nothing darling. Don’t worry about that because it’s easily corrected. You just need to hold the club like this . . . . “
Chemists are known for synthesizing some marvelous chemicals. There is the story that one synthesized an aphrodisiac for men that was so powerful it had to be swallowed very quickly to avoid getting a stiff neck.
And last but not least a short but interesting story about a visitor to the home of Pablo Picasso. The visitor remarked there were no Picasso’s on the walls. “Don’t you like Picasso paintings?” asked the visitor roguishly.” “Of course, I do,” said Picasso. “I just can’t afford them.”
WHY AREN’T YOU SMILING???
I’m not quite sure how to act today, there’s a huge yellow orb in the sky and I’m not exactly certain what it is. I suspect it has something to do with global warming but unfortunately, I have very few liberal friends to help explain it to me. Let’s move along to today’s post. I recently acquired a small paperback book titled Raunchy Riddles, published in 1984, (Sarcasm On) an era of true sophistication and good humor. (Sarcasm Off) Here’s a small sampling of the fine work of that era.
What would a country girl do for birth control? If she can, she crosses her legs . . . If she can’t, she crosses her fingers!
Why are anchovies like telephones? They’re the next best thing to being there!
What should a girl do if she’s looking for a passionate husband? Try a few on for sighs!
What’s brown and smells like a bell? Dung!
How can you tell the novice at a nudist colony? He sticks out like a sore thumb!
What’s a “vagrancy brassiere”? No visible means of support!
What happens when people tease you too much about masturbating? You grow callous!
What’s the greatest thing about masturbation? It’s sex with someone you love!
What does a cautious gynecologist do? Tries not to stirrup any trouble!
Why should you guard your rear when you’re in a hospital? You’re in enema territory!
WHO DOESN’T LOVE THE EIGHTIES??
Well, as I said in the past so many times it’s a gray and rainy and crappy day here in Maine. The state is overrun with tourists from Canada and from Massachusetts zero making any kind of trip even to just shop is a pain. Least touristy summer days totally destroy what sense of humor I normally have, and I need something to make me smile at least. So, with that in mind about some jokes.
😂🤣😂🤣😂
The terrible tempered Mr. Anderson, having missed an easy putt, shouted, “Oh Fuck!” A young lady in the party said, “You needn’t use such vile language. “Anderson stared at her angrily and said, “Oh, come on. I’m sure you’ve heard that word many times before. “I have, said the young lady, but never in anger.”
A woman who was having a one-night stand with the man she had casually picked up said rather contemptuously, “You have a very small organ.” To which the man immediately replied, “It merely seems small because it has been asked to play in a cathedral.”
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus. “It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway”, he said. “Actually,” said his guide, it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.” The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?” “Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”
“Worry is the first time you find you can’t do it the second time; panic is the second time you find you can’t do it the first time.”
There was a young woman named Sally
Who loved an occasional dally.
She sat on the lap
of a well-endowed chap,
And said, “Ooh, you’re right up my alley.”
A woman said proudly, “Before I married my husband, I told him quite frankly of the various different love affairs I had had. I did not want to marry under false pretenses. “What honesty,” said one of those who was listening to her. “And what courage,” said another. “And what a memory,” said a third.
(A TRUISM)
ORGANIC FARMING IS A LOT OF SHIT
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